Am I the only caregiver who often feels angry and frustrated with the "role" of Caregiver I've been delegated?

First, if you live with your mother, move out. I would also tell your mother to inform your siblings that you’re done and it is time to step up to the plate. Don’t take your siblings calls.

Then go out and reclaim your life.

I’ve been advised to stop referring to myself or even thinking of myself as a caregiver. I’m a daughter. There are things I can and cannot (or will not) do as a daughter. There are people trained to provide caregiving. I’ve been advised to maintain very clearly separate households and to set and protect very clear relationship boundaries. I do not want to become more of a crutch than I already am. I can take care of basics, but when I am no longer able, we are going to have to have some help. I laugh when she says she doesn’t want to have to pay someone to help and do things for her. Who can blame her? After all, she’s currently getting a great deal of help from me for absolutely nothing. Funny/Not Funny. It breaks my heart to hear about some of the quandaries in which some have found themselves. I’m learning valuable lessons. Some would say I’m developing a cold heart. That’s okay. Ice is a protective coating. After reading a few posts, I might need to change my title to daughter/magical helper elf. I just refuse to add the title caregiver.

I have to say in all honesty, despite all kind advice previously given to my post about correcting elders got their behaviour. I hate my siblings with an uncontrollable rage at the moment and I hate myself for not having the guts to do what us right for me and my hubby. Hopefully it will pass but I’m not holding my breath. There will
be war eventually.

I go from frustration, to guilt to sadness. I don't even want to be in my own house. My husbands has Asperger's and it is his mother. He does a lot for her but she is now in the stages of starting to wander and has been making poor choices. We both work full time so we had to make the choice to place her. Only full time care givers can understand what we go through. The memory issues, the repeating, the mood swings the smells and mess. We all need to do what is right for our situation.

You are not alone. In fact, most if not all will tell you the same. I don’t believe caregiving is especially rewarding.
I consider myself lucky with some aspects, my caregiving role allows me lots of free time. Yet, I am here and many things become more of my responsibility. And knowing as most progressive diseases get only worse makes it very difficult.
The fact that my early retirement should look different after working most of my life 2 jobs, late 30s sometimes two jobs and night school for five years for accountancy which required studying another 20 hours a week, so working 80 hours a week was unusual.
Sure, great rewards personally and professionally, but now I need to be available 24/7.
The only suggestion will be reward yourself however big or small, any help, relief respite you can find, don’t hesitate and no guilt. I say I did not create, contribute to this disease.
I concentrate more on my own hobbies, social aspects, distancing myself from disease.

My mom is a sweet lovely lady who was a wonderful mother BUT OMG my anger is high… so high again that I have signed up this week for mental health counseling to deal with it. The absolute craziness of my moms mid level dementia is driving ME crazy! She looks normal even sounds normal to many people who interact on the surface with her but her decisions and insight are so bad and unsafe. Even in a facility she convinces them to allow unsafe behaviors like showering alone…then she falls {hurts her back} and everyone acts shocked. Frustrates me! This is why we put her in assisted living. Exhausting. I might add if I hear the expression one more time…self care…I will explode. That sounds so sweet…so easy… but when you leave the facility there is more work..calls, insurance issues, pharmacy billing issues, pee pads to purchase, eye and dental appts, mounds of paperwork, annuity money transfers and banking..REALLY?....self care is fit in between the work needed to maintain moms calm life..then the guilt for being angry of my lost life … it is hard to get ONE day totally mine..Counseling will calm me down again..relieve my guilt for being tired of this when others think it is so wonderful that I still have my mom {she is 89..me 71} and mom is healthy..…I get you ..I totally get it.
ps: my only sibling has serious health issues and my only daughter in another state has a young husband fighting cancer..help is not really an option. This is the reality of advanced elderly parents {many who now live into the late 90’s} and we someday will be doing this to our kids which scares me even more!

I think that many if not most of us feel as you do at times (or even much of the time), especially if we have never got on with our parent for whatever reason and did not actually volunteer to be a caregiver. We now have not only my 88-year-old narcissistic mother with early dementia living in AL but expecting us to run her life but also my 56-year-old brother going through a bitter divorce and wanting to stay with us because the atmosphere at home is making him suicidal.

It's not nice of me, but I catch myself feeling 'Is this our reward for trying to be decent people and making better life choices than my relatives...?!'

My only advice is to accept that feelings and actions are not the same, i.e. you can justifiably feel frustrated or angry but still act lovingly. And make sure to find some time to do things that please and refresh you, however small. God bless you!

I also think in terms of "is this my reward". I married late and almost immediately "Bang, he has Alzheimer's disease".

How to keep your sanity - First, seriously, get others to do the job. Start off with delegating some tasks and transition to more and more. Or, let some jobs go. That's terribly difficult for me but I'm getting real good at it with time. You can stop doing it all but you won't until you let go of that, "Only I can do it" belief.

You also need to join a good support group because more than solace ("Am I the only caregiver who feels angry and frustrated?"),(Btw, Are you nuts?), you will get laughter, and deep-knowing feedback that only other caregivers can give.

You will hear worse stories than yours which will shamefully make you feel great and lucky by comparison. One of our members apologized at the end of a meeting admitting to attending just to hear worse stories. We all laughed in total agreement.

You will see confirming nods, and hear affirming sounds from others listening to your story. As a result of talking to other caregivers who KNOW what you're going through you'll feel a bit soothed, a kind of small healing to your soul. Imagine the unexpected relief from dropping a suffocating weight that is simultaneously on the top of your head, on your face and chest.

Sharing the experiences about your week with people in your shared culture of caregiving will give you support and strength. It took me years to join. As I've mentioned in other responses I'm not a joiner but I learned that there can be comfort in accepting the kindness of a listener who with their own admirable broken spirit gives strength by understanding.

Narcissist is the key word here. They will suck you dry and then move on. you need to get her out of your house and into assisted living and then refuse to be her slave anymore.

I hear ya! i to was delegated that role for my dad - he was stubborn and we didn't see eye to eye! today, i am helping with my brother he is 73, his daughter does bills and medicare etc. i go over every other day and help with the dog and try to make my brother see the lite on things he really should be doing. these are major issues! no one else wants to go.

my thoughts are that I love him and I can't leave him - so that's my advice to you. do what you can and when it gets to you take a few days and tell the others to do it (make your list of what you do) then go without guilt! you have a place in heaven - i hope to meet you there!

Laurpar: Your mother requires placement in a memory care facility with, of course, her financials footing the bill.

i can empathize with you. I have a narcissistic mother too. Here is what would make me feel better if I were you:

First, if you can afford to, you should move to your own place. You will feel better if you can go to your sanctuary.

Second, gradually divest yourself of some of the chores you described. I wouldn’t drop them all immediately but set up an Uber if she needs to go out, instacart for shopping, etc.

Third, tell your siblings you are going on a well earned vacation for a few weeks and they need to step up to the plate. Even if you go nowhere you need a respite.

Fourth, set boundaries of what you will and will not do. You are being exploited by your mother and siblings. Learn not to be a victim.

Fifth, take care of yourself so that you can enjoy your life when she is finally gone.

You need to handle your response to the situation. Do not let the situation control you.

Good luck!

Oh my dear Lady , you are absolutely NOT alone !! I have many brothers and sisters but Im the one here doing the job ! Every time I help do whatever it is that needs getting done … I either get sworn at or she’ll throw something at me … luckily she can’t see well so I haven’t been hit yet ! Lol im constantly having to repeat myself or what was said by tv or whatever… she’s a wonderer so there’s that … anyway sorry my point is you are so not alone ! It’s so overwhelming !! Ill tell you what , I am grateful that she can spend her last years at home ! She earned that ! 💚🙏💚 good luck ! 💚

Hello, no, you're not alone! I am angry for pretty much the same reasons you are. I do have help from my younger sister, however we have a third sibling who lives on the same property who for his own issues which is severe anxiety, wont seek treatment..he could possibly be a willing participant in our family but he chooses not to. My younger sister is more of a daily living assistant for half the week and the other half its me, however, I'm the only one managing finances, medical appointments,legal stuff, dmv, bills, calling all these God forsaken agencies and having to deal with automated phone calls that never answer your question, hardly ever allow you to speak to a living person, or have you on hold for 2 hours and then drop the call, etc 😡. It's just a huge fiasco over here. We are dealing with both of my parents, my mother has dementia and is extremely stubborn and will not take a shower even though being obviously filthy. She is not that far gone that she doesn't know what's going on, she can have a conversation with you about the weather, about growing plants, about her old job, about maintenance of a car, taking care of a garden, deep spiritual convos (at least for a few minutes) etc but when you say mom, it's time to take a shower, your clothes are dirty and there's food stuck all over your shirt and your pants are changing colors from the reaction between the Sun and your sweat, she says, "I'm not going to live under your thumb!", I'm like lady, if you were living under my thumb, you would have a shower three times a week! I understand the brain shrinks and yada yada yada when people have dementia, however, that realization does not help the situation AT ALL. Things don't just magically get better because you know and understand the reason why a behavior is happening. The situation is still just as difficult for those of us that have to manage and take care of people. I don't know what to do about it because there is no way to force her to take a shower and that's come from professional caretakers.

My 80-year-old father who recently went downhill and we are noticing some cognitive deficits now and who has been the controller of everything/the estate, has bathroom issues, wont shower, is loud because he cannot hear, but actually he's loud anyway because he gets angry very easy and his way of dealing with things is to yell and raise his voice at everyone, and when I've confronted him about this he denied screaming and yelling at me throughout childhood😑 All my friends that I'm still friends with since high school laugh at this because they remember being terrified of him and running and hiding when he would come home from work or we would have to cross paths with him otherwise. My best friend from high school whos now a PHD in psychology remembers being in my room and him kicking the door open and yelling and screaming at us and blaming me who was 15 at the time for my younger sisters anger management issues...my sis was nine at that time and was diagnosed with ADHD so not really sure what responsibility I had as far as her anger management issues go, but whatever. There's a whole bunch of other stuff left over from childhood, as is the case with a lot of us here and now I'm supposed to be caregiving when I don't have the personality or the mental ability to be in this position. My hard wiring is screwed up and thats been the case for my whole life.. I am not a nurturer unless you are a plant or an animal...Kids love me and I don't know why. But I am not the person to be in this situation with my elderly parents, but I am the oldest, the only girl, and there's no one else in my family who thinks well enough that can do the management that I am doing so I'm basically trapped and that feeling trapped alone causes a lot of stress, so I feel you! We do have some caretakers that come in Monday through Friday for different amounts of time, however it doesn't really do much for my situation. I hope you find relief!

You have not been delegated, but rather manipulated. Getting a Geriatric Psychiatrist to evaluate mom for placement might be a good first step and then calling a service like, "A Place for Mom" or the care advisor on this website would be a great second step.

Hiring an Elder Law Attorney to meet with you and your sisters would give each of you an opportunity to care for your mom from a distance, but as a group.

When all is settled and you move into your own space, then consider a therapist for yourself, so that you can work through issues of neglect and maybe even abandonment. You don't have to continue a living in confinement with a narcissist..........you have options!

OMG, this is me with my disabled person. Please help me. He has had constant diarheia and i have to pick it all up cuz he refused to ware a diaper. I have no life. I fix all his meals, make appts, clean etc. He has a failing kidney and must go to dialysis. I am now seeing a therapist to help with stress. I have one a "well off financially" younger sister who does nothing, she doesn't even visit him. There are no other family memebers to help. I am 68 years old, this is not how i want to retire.

Oh, how I feel for you. You have EVERY right to be angry, mad, annoyed, etc...especially with two other siblings who seem to have decided you alone get to be the caretaker. That is incredibly selfish of them. But I get it. I am in the same boat. You need to have a life, and you deserve to. Is there any way you can put Mom in a nice home? Is the money there? You have done enough and especially if she was not a great mother to you. No guilt, no shame, no obligations...You seem to have gone above and beyond to care for her, and now it's time to stop and get back to your own life before it is gone. Find a way to get mom into a nice place and tell your two siblings they are being selfish. I am sorry, but being nice just doesn't cut it here.

Well first you volunteered to be used by the entire family. You have to ask yourself why you took that role on? Why you do whatever your told? Why you do your mother's bidding every time. You don't have to. You can say no. Or later, or not today.
I wouldn't spend time screaming because someone can't hear. Too bad. Get a note pad and write small answers. You'll give yourself a headache, and strain your voice.
I would tell the family I'm done. She needs more help than you can give. But you made it easy for the rest of the family. They won't want things to change.
YOU have to change. You have to ask yourself why you are a doormat, and a martyr. Your getting something out of it. Your siblings aren't martyrs. Only you can get a backbone and say enough.

https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/

never think you are the only one. Of course that’s exactly how I’m feeling today. When you open a cabinet as usual and think I’ll just get my water gas out. But see your water glass along side many other types of drink holders and knives etc on those shelves it is such an awaken that this is the future. I scream inside and cry outside . I can’t hide the tears.😥

Reading your situation and history; if you weren't angry and frustrated, then I would consider you to have issues. I am in much the same situation and daily feel abused by the rest of the family.

NO you're not. I feel angry almost every day and as soon as something angry is out of my mouth I ask God to forgive me and help me get through it. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I just try to remind myself that I'm dealing with someone who is sick and can't help what they say nor do. It's hard but I have to keep my strength up and do it. I have found sitting in my chair playing bingo or paint by numbers on my table actually helps. I don't have to concentrate that much but can still be alert to what's going on. I know that might sound crazy but it does help.

I have a similar situation. I also feel angry, resentful and overwhelmed with this responsibility. I have no sibs. My mother is similar to yours. You are definitely not alone. I am trying to get away at least once a week for an overnight or whole day. Let the caregivers handle it. Trying not to expect her support and ignore her real or imagined helplessness and manipulations to keep me engaged in decades old frustrations and pity party. As much as I have read and learned and healed myself, I still sometimes realize I am wanting her validation or approval. I am working on healing that and giving those things to myself. My best to you. You are not alone.

How were you delegated?

Your question is, “Any advise to keep my sanity?”

Your mother apparently hasn’t come to terms with either her age or romantic prospects. Your description of her habits makes her sound like an overgrown teenager who derived her validation by being admired and pursued by men and plenty of them. You made the decision to move in with her and now you have no privacy and are at her beck and call for things that don’t sound like hands on personal care. It also sounds like you mother has enough disposable income to waste her resources on frivolous purchases she makes herself either personally in your presence or over the Internet. You used to enjoy her company but now you don’t because she can’t hear and is a narcissist. It also sounds like your sisters took the measure of her long ago and either refuse to put up with her entirely or provide a little help, perhaps out of concern for you, not her. Were you perhaps her favorite child, thought you could handle her and that’s why you agreed to move in?

Despite her “moderate dementia,” I don’t think your mother would allow herself to be placed out of her home just yet, It sounds like she is still calling all the shots in “her” home. But I don’t see you actually moving out and abandoning your mother.

Make a list of all the things your mother does that annoy and frustrate you. If you hate to garden, tell her she must purchase a lawn service, find one, and stop doing it. Refuse delivery of all internet purchases and remove her computer or phone access if necessary, Make a shopping schedule and stick to it. Make the situation tolerable by taking charge of the household until she really does need placement. Tell her frankly but lovingly that you can no longer live with her if she does not comply. If she doubts and tests you, see if you can move in with your sister or a friend for a couple of weeks until she gets the message. In the meantime, spend as much time as you can with your own friends and invite them over. Your mother needs to visibly observe that she is not the center of your world. You might find that can get your mother’s ditsy behavior under better control if you withdraw from any task she can do herself that does not involve spending money or using you as a chauffeur. Start giving her assignments of things you expect her to do for you that are manageable and safe. To keep your sanity, you must take control and mean to what you say. She will soon require much more care than you can provide.

I ended up moving out (was living with 2 parents)…got my own apt nearby. I was losing my mind. 3 months later they decided to go to a facility. Which meant I was in charge of cleaning out the house and selling it.

I still am called upon as their personal Uber driver. The latest was 1 AM when he was coming back from a trip to the ER…because he didn’t want to take the transport that was being provided.

i continue to take care of the bills and most of the personal shopping items. (My sister—who got to keep her job—shops for clothes for them. And does come to take them out for dinner.)

I am only 10 min from the facility but find it really hard to visit. They have everything they need and yet the complaining will never cease.

I spent my first few years of post retirement oversees in a developing country doing what I love. My sister insisted I needed to come home (which meant giving up my PAID dream job). I foolishly gave into the guilt. Not to mention they didn’t like me living with them. They acted as if I was using them for my housing needs! (I actually overheard my mom tell her sister this! My dad later divulged he thought I had been fired from my overseas job! …I have NEVER been fired from ANY job…and have always been celebrated for my contributions! This job was no different!). After my horrible unwelcome arrival…the pandemic hit!! It was after things opened up a bit is when I moved out.

Moving out was the best decision…but the responsibilities are still here. I am “stuck”. I just can’t seem to move in any direction. I just exist. I don’t have the energy to make any changes.

I fight against feelings of resentment and anger. I know I have “choices” and can make different decisions. It just seems I’m just too tired to make them.

All this to say you aren’t alone.

If she lived in an assisted living or memory facility, think of all the men she could be meeting. She wouldn't even need the internet. In my parent's AL there were a bunch of single men. Seriously, since she seems to be a very social person, she might be very happy in a place with people her own age.

This isn't your job. I have no intention of either of my children "taking care" of me. That's on me to plan for myself. If I get dementia, they can place me in a facility and not even think about us living together or them taking care of me in some way. Please stop thinking of providing her care as your job. You are entitled to your own life. I get why you're angry. I am not build for caregiving and I was angry too while I did it for a short time. Having bad parents makes it even worse. Please start looking for a way out. This is the only life you get.

Good Morning,

First of all it's good that you are aware of this and on this forum to pick and choose what you think will benefit your situation.

At first glance I thought about your mother's finances--you have to protect the elderly from scams, frauds, telephone calls that the grandchildren need $ also a scam to bail him out. People do these things unfortunately.

What took your parent(s) their whole to save up some swindler could take in 5 minutes flat. Secure her funds; take away the keyboard on the computer if you have to and replace the "online friends" which actual people--neighbors, Church,
family, etc.

Your story is not isolated about the siblings not pitching in. It's a broken record after a while. I don't even say it any more instead I get my hair colored, eat right, work evenings' remotely so I won't be in the poor house in my old age, keep good credit, am well read (library card), have the Church people in every Sunday to bring Communion and bought a violin.

Now, I realize we just got out of a Pandemic. Life was/is different. As I write this my mother is getting dressed and going to her "Tuesday Morning With Dementia Friends" for (4) hours. I drop her off and pick her up. I, in hand, fill her pillbox, and go to an indoor pool.

The respite provides continental breakfast, hot lunch, with her health insurance Physical and Speech Therapy. An RN is on hand--they take Mom's blood pressure, vitals, etc. and they plant, bake, exercise and it's basically a lot like high school.

These (4) hours I can get things done, exercise with neighbors and have peace of mind. There is fee for the facility and some do offer transportation.

Keep in mind--upon admission for this program, the respite staff asked me, "do you have a plan in place, should something happen to you."

Right now in all honesty I am solo with all of this. I bring in services and know Mom's insurance by the back of her hand. You have to find a place in the neighborhood where she is supervised and you can go to the hairdressers, the Y, cafe, library, whatever.

I had the most beautiful childhood (2) great parents. It's hard enough doing this (caregiving) when you love the people but even harder if you are not in the best of circumstances.

Call on the troops, whatever you can get delivered, deliver. Buy flowers every week at the market, hire someone to clean, outsource everything. You can't keep this up.

I hope this helped. You are not alone in this and there are a lot of services out there. Mom may not like it but it's necessary so when all of this is said and done you are still standing in once piece.

Amen Sister...

Stop enabling her shopping. Don’t take her and she won’t waste the money. She will be angry at first - then she will have to give in.

Take away the internet from her. Change the password.

Invest in tablets of paper - start writing to each other if she can’t hear.

You need to have the strength to make changes and manage both of your routines.

Turn your anger into action towards CHANGE.

Re-look at EVERYTHiNG through a lens of common sense.

Eg If Mom has Dementia, - should she have access to the majority of her funds? No. Maybe just a little treat money.

If she is at risk of fraudsters, this trying to meet men via the computer - should she have computer access? No, or at least supervised.

If Mom cannot arrange her care, should she be in charge of hers & your weekly calender? No.

Look at what she can do safely independantly.
Look at where she needs supervision.
Look at what needs to be taken away.

Most of it seem to be just 2 issues imho.

ADAPT to how Mom now is & what she now needs.

Learn to say NO.

I've been there with my mother who had bipolar and several health problems. I worked remotely with family advice for a few years until her care level got too high for me to handle anymore. Finally Mom was moved to a facility after several fall injuries. I also had to return to employment.