My 86 yr. old Mother has mid-level dementia, and mobility issues. She's gorgeous for her age. However, she is trying to meet men on the Internet. She spends way too much money, (most of her purchases end up in the trash, can't hear (even with top notch hearing aids), so I'm constantly repeating myself at least 2-3 times (often because she can't hear) because she's very ditsy and doesn't listen. Never has. I'm her Uber driver for everything, her personal shopper, car washer, window cleaner, you name it. I’m also her bill pay reminder, gardener and housekeeper.
She was a lousy mother; we were all somewhat neglected. She was always busy with one husband/man or another. I have two sisters. One helps a tiny bit, the other utterly refuses any help. I find myself feeling very "stuck", and resenting having to spend my latter years like this, living with her and on top of it, having no privacy. I worked very hard at stressful jobs for 40 plus years. This is my reward?
My anger towards her boils over sometimes, then I feel guilty for not being able to contain it. On top of it, she's a complete Narcissist, and I don't enjoy talking with her anymore. It's just too difficult.
Any advice on how to keep my sanity?
First, if you can afford to, you should move to your own place. You will feel better if you can go to your sanctuary.
Second, gradually divest yourself of some of the chores you described. I wouldn’t drop them all immediately but set up an Uber if she needs to go out, instacart for shopping, etc.
Third, tell your siblings you are going on a well earned vacation for a few weeks and they need to step up to the plate. Even if you go nowhere you need a respite.
Fourth, set boundaries of what you will and will not do. You are being exploited by your mother and siblings. Learn not to be a victim.
Fifth, take care of yourself so that you can enjoy your life when she is finally gone.
You need to handle your response to the situation. Do not let the situation control you.
Good luck!
my thoughts are that I love him and I can't leave him - so that's my advice to you. do what you can and when it gets to you take a few days and tell the others to do it (make your list of what you do) then go without guilt! you have a place in heaven - i hope to meet you there!
How to keep your sanity - First, seriously, get others to do the job. Start off with delegating some tasks and transition to more and more. Or, let some jobs go. That's terribly difficult for me but I'm getting real good at it with time. You can stop doing it all but you won't until you let go of that, "Only I can do it" belief.
You also need to join a good support group because more than solace ("Am I the only caregiver who feels angry and frustrated?"),(Btw, Are you nuts?), you will get laughter, and deep-knowing feedback that only other caregivers can give.
You will hear worse stories than yours which will shamefully make you feel great and lucky by comparison. One of our members apologized at the end of a meeting admitting to attending just to hear worse stories. We all laughed in total agreement.
You will see confirming nods, and hear affirming sounds from others listening to your story. As a result of talking to other caregivers who KNOW what you're going through you'll feel a bit soothed, a kind of small healing to your soul. Imagine the unexpected relief from dropping a suffocating weight that is simultaneously on the top of your head, on your face and chest.
Sharing the experiences about your week with people in your shared culture of caregiving will give you support and strength. It took me years to join. As I've mentioned in other responses I'm not a joiner but I learned that there can be comfort in accepting the kindness of a listener who with their own admirable broken spirit gives strength by understanding.
It's not nice of me, but I catch myself feeling 'Is this our reward for trying to be decent people and making better life choices than my relatives...?!'
My only advice is to accept that feelings and actions are not the same, i.e. you can justifiably feel frustrated or angry but still act lovingly. And make sure to find some time to do things that please and refresh you, however small. God bless you!
ps: my only sibling has serious health issues and my only daughter in another state has a young husband fighting cancer..help is not really an option. This is the reality of advanced elderly parents {many who now live into the late 90’s} and we someday will be doing this to our kids which scares me even more!
i’m just like you, extremely angry. (we’re not angry for exactly the same reasons, but it doesn’t matter.)
i’m definitely not the image of peace and tranquility.
i normally really am, a bundle of joy, very happy person.
right now i look like a grenade.
anywayyyyy, i hope you find a good way to transform the anger. keeping it in, is no good either. i don’t know the solution. just know that i’m your fellow-angry-person.
I consider myself lucky with some aspects, my caregiving role allows me lots of free time. Yet, I am here and many things become more of my responsibility. And knowing as most progressive diseases get only worse makes it very difficult.
The fact that my early retirement should look different after working most of my life 2 jobs, late 30s sometimes two jobs and night school for five years for accountancy which required studying another 20 hours a week, so working 80 hours a week was unusual.
Sure, great rewards personally and professionally, but now I need to be available 24/7.
The only suggestion will be reward yourself however big or small, any help, relief respite you can find, don’t hesitate and no guilt. I say I did not create, contribute to this disease.
I concentrate more on my own hobbies, social aspects, distancing myself from disease.
LOL 😂 Wise words indeed PennyBob!
Stay cool! ❄️❄️❄️
Then go out and reclaim your life.