Am I selfish for wishing my grandfather would just be allowed to pass away peacefully?
My grandfather is 83 currently. He was a heavy smoker and drinker back in the day as well as a being a farmer. He has a lot of health issues. He is overweight, a prior cancer survivor of the mouth and skin kind, has sleep apnea, chf, and most notable of all stage 3 COPD. He has always been the kind of man who put my grandmother's needs before his own. which resulted in him neglecting himself medically. when my mother and I first moved into the home to help them out 3 years ago, his COPD was so bad that he would constantly fall asleep on the couch due to low oxygen levels. they were involved in a car accident in 2022. my grandfather sustained a broken back and some lacerations but was otherwise okay. that quickly changed overnight as he was admitted to ICU. he had suffered a COPD exacerbation that was so bad he nearly passed away that night. I want to make it known, my grandfather had signed a DNR months prior. my uncle is his POA. the hospital flat out asked them if they wanted him to be intubated or allowed to pass comfortably. they went against his wishes and had him intubated. flash forward some 3 years later, he has spent his time in a nursing home. the care he receives is not the greatest. because he is a larger man, he is often left neglected when it comes to him needing changed. he is in hospital currently because staff failed to realize that he has severe pneumonia. he was on a ventilator initially with a trach. that has since been removed but with how things are going, I fear he will need it again. they have done PT with him but he refuses to move so he is basically bed bound and being fed via NG tube. His life is miserable. Filled with constant back and forth to hospital and nursing home. My grandmother and uncle make me furious as they would rather keep the man alive in his sad state than just let him pass on. I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm a bad person for wanting to let him go.
BUT...
Are there any other things that your Uncle does that goes against what your grandpa would have wanted?
If you really wanted to you could contact the lawyer that drew up the forms the first time making your uncle POA. If grandpa is cognizant he could make someone else POA. OR you could try to obtain Guardianship. Guardianship would over rule the POA. I can tell you if you have a good or even cordial relationship with your uncle that would no longer be the case if you went ahead with this.
If grandpa is cognizant he can reinforce to his doctors, the staff at the facility where he is that he has a signed DNR. there is a document that is a bit m ore detailed. In the State where I live it is called a POLST. Signing one of those would be more helpful as it specifies if a person wants to be intubated or not. It is not just CPR
Your not selfish, this is healthy, you are accepting of what will come .
That broke my heart. My grandfather was MISERABLE. He was in pain and he needed to be able to pass peacefully. We asked him if he wanted hospice and he agreed he did. He wanted comfort care.
My grandmother was livid but didn't have much choice.
The doctor, my mother and the rest of the family finally convinced my grandmother to leave the hospital just for a short break - and he passed while she was gone. He was waiting for her to leave. She wasn't wrong that she was keeping him alive by her sheer force of will. In agony.
To this day she blames hospice for his death, because she never came to terms with the fact that he was suffering and in his last days.
Sometimes it is hard for people to let go - so they hold on tighter. They don't realize (or don't care in some cases) that they are prolonging agony for the life they are trying to protect.
Accepting that someone you love is passing is hard for everyone. But keeping their needs first and foremost is important. and that's what you are doing.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/can-anyone-out-there-relate-494294.htm
If so, why are you using two different addys? This is very confusing for us as a forum. Please pick one to use and ask Administration to delete your other one.
I believe that you are right, if that helps. And I would sure want you at my side were you my granddaughter, and would have already done my advance directive, as I have, and let you be my advocate and protector in a peaceful passing.
But that isn't the case for your family and this is their right to their own choices, hard as that is to bear.