Am I out of line?

Just say no. Boundary setting is so important especially now. It won't be good for anyone if you're not comfortable. Why isn't your brother in law taking her to his home? Given the diagnosis of dementia, I would limit the number of moves for your mother in law due to the exacerbation of adjustment difficulties. Research facilities through medicare.gov, the state department of health, and touring. There is also a checklist available online to use as a tool when touring. I think standing your ground is your best bet. To do otherwise, may just breed resentment. Good luck.

No you are not out of line. You are being realistic. Why is July the magic month?
With Covid-19 some communities are not offering tours or taking new residents. Your MIL may have to be on a waiting list for months.
Contact a care advisor from this website, they can help you. (Better yet have DH or BIL do it.) You are going to have to force her two sons to care for her because she their mother not yours. If MIL is already rude to you it won't get better. Your children will hear it all. Why hasn't DH ever confronted her on her behavior before her diagnosis? Until then she can live with BIL and he can experience what he is asking you to live.

Don’t do it. She can stay in her home and have help come in, barring that only do it if brother-in-law agrees to having immediate help hired from the day she comes in, and have that help hired before she comes.

Under no circumstances, do not take in your MIL! Do not feel guilty about it either. You have plenty on your plate with working from home and taking care of your children. It's too bad your husband didn't stand up for you and let your BIL know that this is not an option. MIL needs to be referred to a rehab at a nursing facility and then elder law attorney needs to be contacted asap to help with financial assistance, possible Medicaid, etc. You must make your voice heard and do not waiver. This effects you and your children as much, if not more, than anyone else. My thoughts are with you as you deal with this situation.

You are certainly NOT OUT OF LINE. Your BIL... has no right to do this to you. HE is not going to be the one to have to give up much of his life. I see this type of thing all the time.... people expecting me (and others) to do what they themselves are not willing or just can't do. I had a husband like this. He expected me to take care of his mom full time but.... HE would not even go visit her before she got sick.
It is easy to tell others what their job is when YOU are not the one having to do the care. YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST BEFORE YOUR MIL. Yes... I don't believe in just ignoring her like my ex did. (Yeah.. I divorced him. He was abusive to his kids and me) When MIL had problems... her house was condemned, he ignored it. I offered to move (she had altitude sickness and we lived in Colorado) but he would have none of it. Just ignored the issue. He then let his other family members deal with it and they did. He was always happy to let others take care of problems with his mom. There are some like that and is your hubby like that? I hope not. Hopefully, I would love to see this..........all family members, your siblings.. his siblings... aunts..uncles... get together for a family council and figure this out. Everyone should be responsible for helping to figure out what needs to be done NOT just one family OR one family member telling every body else what THEY are going to do. If it ends up that YOU are taking care of her then.... who will do the grocery shopping? ALL the grocery shopping? You let him know that he will be responsible for ALL the grocery shopping... ordering her medications... filling her med planners...picking up her meds at the pharmacy......keeping track and buying anything she needs......Doing the laundry when he is home. This way... he may see that he is expected to also do some of the work and then decide that this is NOT something that "he is prepared for". Yeah.. my ex would have me do EVERYTHING for his mom while he did NOTHING. Nope... do NOT do that. He also has to take on some of the responsibility and NOT leave it all on you or anyone else Now... if this can be done... and your kids can help... this is actually a great way for kids to see "real life" and learn how to do patient care. Kids can cook...bake.... clean..... help with grocery lists....Don't know how old your kids are...Do you have anyone at a church to help? The problem is... when YOU are doing this by yourself... YOU cannot do this yourself. I would make up a list of what needs to be done... the ordering of meds... picking them up... buying groceries... etc... and make sure he sees it. You are not going to think of everything. But.. your hubby needs to take on added responsibility for homeschooling... grading papers... making assignments.. making sure the kids are on track and doing what they are supposed to be doing. These days, kids are NOT maturing. What I mean by that... they are waited on hand and foot. They can help with the other kids..They can cook, bake clean...vacuum..sweep/mop...And do a ton of praying... I believe in prayer.

I have to say this sounds very unfair to you! I take care of my mom in my home and it is overwhelming at times. I resigned my job to take care of her. With Covid my college age kids are home now which although nice to have them here, has added to stress. I cannot imagine doing a job and homeschooling and a MIL with dementia all in my home. I would lose my mind. I would have a heart to heart with hubby. My heart goes out to you! Please let us know how it goes.

No you are not out of line and your first priority should be you, because YOU are, as you said, the one there. AND once she is there, you'll be in the bind. She's going to have to be somewhere and she MIGHT be able to be with family but clearly the demands on YOUR family and YOUR marriage come first. Wherever she is now, you can claim it would be an unsafe discharge, but that's only if your husband sees your side of it...how about how truthfully, with dementia, multiple changes of environment won't be a good thing, so better she stays put until a reasonable plan is in place. Living with you doesn't seem like a good long term plan for all the reasons you elaborated on. The only way it might work is if you arrange for, and I would hope your dear brother in law agrees to contribute toward, private hire help in your home, or maybe she qualifies for some support to help cover the expenses? Maybe even help from your local Area Agency on Aging who can offer some respite hours and guidance in figuring this out. It's grossly unfair to burden you when you are working and have all these other responsibilities in the home with caregiving as well. You might be surprised at how it eats at your time as you have to be concerned about meals and clean up. And MD appts etc...Just beware too that any outsider coming in is a potential risk of bringing the virus into your own home...aides are too often low paid and carrying more than one job, some at nursing homes where there is risk...Why is this all your bros in laws decision? Why isn't he taking her into his home, if he wants time to figure it out? Another PS: how bad IS the dementia? Can she live alone with support and safety measures in place? Sometimes the MD's and other professionals will say they can't live alone to CYA. Wishing you luck...and energy...

Dr Grenan here to help you.I treat/work with Alzheimer's and Dementia Patients......also my family took care of my grandmother at her house with Grandpa. My mom was a nurse. Peace & love. It is ez for your Bro in law to tell you what helps him!!!!!! There is NO right answer only the best choice.
God Bless You For Loving & caring The arguments/disagreements have to stop!
Dr Jack Grenan

No is a complete answer. Your BIL is way out of line. You are the easiest placement for him to figure out, but that doesn't make it right. You have to protect your kids and your family. If you are not on board with this you will resent EVERYONE and that will come out to your kids, your husband, your MIL too. When you said I do, you didn't marry the whole family directly. Please don't do this.

Sorry, I haven’t read all of the replies, but tell Hubby that if his Mother moves in, he will have to work from home or quit his job. He cannot take the chance of giving her the coronavirus, which will probably kill her. That should change his tune pretty quickly.

Does not sound fair at all. You are working from home and taking care of the kids. You have enough on your plate. Not sure what work you do but how would it effect your family if you lost it due to this situation. Maybe that would be a good way to manage the conversation without it getting too heated. Good luck!

I have not read the responses but want you to know that in no way should you take your mother into your home. Absolutely no way. I can’t stress this enough!!! I am caring for my two parents. They live across the street from me. My mother has dementia. Dementia patients get worse and worse quickly. My word to your family who is pressuring you to have her live at your house. Have her move into their home for a month. They will very quickly realize the exhaustion in caring for one with dementia. Show all the responses to your brother in law and hold your ground.

Don't Do This. There - I think you already know this. It's hard to be the "bad guy" but if she moves in she will never move out. Brother in law already saying he wants to take time - then he should take her until time is right. You have kids and a husband - it is not fair to the kids. Also, if she is far enough along to require a psych ward - I would not trust her around kids unsupervised. Sane she would never harm them. But she is not responsible. You have to be the adult now. Maybe look for a group home instead of facility, but dont start something you cant finish.

I agree with those saying....Don't Do This. It's awful convenient for brother-in-law to make the decision to have her come live you with you. Why is she not going to live with him? Oh....let me gander a guess. Brother-in-law is single and lives in a "too small" residence and you are the woman in the family and therefore the "natural" choice to take care of her. It's a guess, but I'm willing to bet it's probably not too far off the mark. He's either too busy or his place is too small. The reason doesn't matter. He's decided that it shouldn't be him...of course.

Given what you've said about your history with your MIL, she should not be living with you. You should not be expected to be the primary caregiver for her while your husband escapes to his work every day leaving you to care for your children, care for THEIR mother, and also try to work from home. It's an impossible ask. You will never get anything done. My mother didn't even live with me and it was a constant stream of phone calls and asks all day long while I was working.

Your BIL is making the decision that is right for HIM. And once you move her in, she will not leave. There will never be a reason for her to leave. You'll be told over and over to just "hang in there, it's just temporary". But it won't be.

You need to be strong and put your foot down. Dementia does not make people suddenly better people. She was just in a psych ward. Why can't BIL send her home with care? Or....he can temporarily move-in with her until he can arrange for care. Let me tell you...it won't take until July to figure something out if HE has to take care of her.

You are not out of line. You are not being unreasonable. They are being unreasonable putting this task on you. Being a mother, or gender female, does not automatically make you the most appropriate person to care for her. They are....her children. I hate that this happens so often.

I'm not trying to be negative here but very concerned for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. Your BIL and husband is going to stick this ALL on you so you better pull out all stops and stand your ground. It happened to me and others. Once placed in your home, BIL will"forget" or "don't have the time" for researching and find her a place. You know why? Cause he's already found one!! Husband will use the excuse he knows nothing about caregiving FOR HIS MOM and will back away putting in extra time at work or whatever, which just leaves you to care for the kids and put up with abuse from your MIL. You'll more than likely have to scale back your job as things progress. Nip it in the bud right now or you'll be sorry!

You are not out of line. Reach out to the Nurse Resource Manager at the hospital she is in and let them know that she can not come home. They will work with you to find a nursing home or assisted living facility for a direct admit from the hospital instead of sending her home. From my own experience, you can not allow her to come to your house if you already are visualizing problems. Your children and your marriage should come first. Just giving you my opinion and praying you find the right solution for all involved.

Don’t do it. There is no way it will only be 1 month. Between finding an opening in a care home to getting her finances and health insurance in order or the whole crazy Medicaid process....that takes months. Work with the social workers at the hospital to find placement. That’s what they are there for and they know the process.

I have not even stopped to read other comments to your question. Oh my, this is where you have to stand strong for yourself and children. Nice that decisions have been made for you. Others must feel they can walk on you or push you around. Woo put on the brakes. Especially with you working from home plus taking care of the family and home. Strange how men don't realize how hard a women works. One month can end up in two, three and more. Once in, how to change that? Good luck, stand firm!!!

I’m so sorry your going thru this. Your not out of line. Why doesn’t your mil live with your bil since he’s volunteering you. Tell him she can live with him. If your mil is hateful to you and kids before diagnosis it will only get worse as the disease progress’s. So having that toxcitity in your home is not good.

I agree with much that has been said here:

Contact the hospital and say there will be no-one at home to care for her as you won't be doing it - so, unsafe discharge.

If things go wrong and you can't stop her coming (husband won't change his mind) be out when she is arriving and for as long as you can manage it - if possible go on vacation with the children. If you can't be away, tell husband you won't be home during the day while she's there and leave in the mornings before he does.

How old are your children? If they are old enough to cope your last resort could be: take to your bed and pretend to be sick. Husband then has to think of an alternative plan.

Isn't it so good of your BIL to suggest YOU be the one to take her? I assume this is your husband's mother. What does he have to say about it? I know it is tough with quarantine stuff the way it is now but could you hire part time home health aide to check on her daily? You are not out of line if you don't feel taking her into your home would be a negative experience for your family. And if you are working from home, that means you don't have the time to provide her the care her doctor apparently wants her to have. You and your husband need to agree with what you choose to do and stick to that plan.

If your DH won't support you, your marriage is already on the rocks.

If you were not working at home and taking care of the children I would say give the husband and BIL a month trial taking care of her. But during this covid crisis, with your husband working outside the home and you trying to take care of the children while working at home there is no way you will be able to work at home and take care of your mil. The only way I see is working is if the MIL’s sons are willing to hire full time care for their mom during the day from 30 mins before she gets up until 30 mins after your husband gets home from work.

Your husband may react badly if you do not agree to take care of his mother, but you need to stick to your guns and not let her move in. If your husband cares more about his mother than about you, that tells you something.

Can you tell the hospital that she can't come live with you? Won't they then have to place her for you?

Don't do it!!!!! Make hubby sit down and talk to you even if he doesn't want to. You have enough on your plate and you have no idea how long it will take you to find care for her. You could end up having her with you for years. Don't let them guilt you into it. The fact you'll be doing all the work and they didn't consult you should be a huge red flag.

Don't allow it to happen. My mum moved in with me almost 4 years ago and I've had to give up my whole life because of it. I've needed counselling and anti depressants because of her negativity and behaviour. Something needs to be arranged but please don't sacrifice your family life for her.

How old is your husband? If he's more than 1 hour old it's time to cut the old umbilical cord I do believe. Bringing her into your home would be an absolute disaster; and you're kidding yourself if you really think she'd be out by July.

Boundaries, boundaries! You have to speak up, and right now at the beginning. So often this "temporary" situation turns permanent, and that sounds like bad news. Call a family meeting right away.

I can see how this is not good for your marriage- both ways. Honestly, I think if you refuse to take this on, it gives your marriage a better chance. it does sound as if the "boys", your DH and BIL are solving the immediate problem by giving it to you. You have to protect your kids, that is the bottom line, so I would refuse.