My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.
Anyway...your BIL owes you and your husband an apology. Not only did he want to pawn his mother off on you regardless of your circumstances but he also blew up at you both because of the stress he is putting himself under by second guessing the ALF decision.
You can't stop others from making mistakes. You and your husband hopefully have had several conversations about what you both are and are not willing to do for his mother. At the top of that list is you are not willing to move her into your home.
You can help your husband by sharing with him what you learn on this forum. You can help your husband establish healthy boundaries with his family members who are intrusive. Your marriage and your family come first.
Your husband needs to have a clear picture about how much money his mother has to pay toward her care. Once her meds start working and she's medically stable, she should get all important paperwork done e.g. durable power of attorney for both medical and financial, living will/advance directives and will. Dementia only gets worse and everyone needs to be on the same page about her end of life care.
MrsBrightside - you found this group just in the nick of time. It could have been YOU in your SIL's position right now, having MIL living under your roof, and BIL taking his sweet time weighing options for his mother while you're pulling out your hair trying to hold on to your sanity.
Even if you found this forum earlier, you may not be able to change what others do. Sometimes, people have to try things out for themselves in order to discover they shouldn't have done those. That's the case for many of us, we found out the hard way and try to warn others. Your BIL/SIL now found out for themselves...
Just thank your lucky star you dodged a bullet.
The best thing for your MIL will be to ask the hospital social worker for help finding her a placement, even if it is temporary. Do what is best for the majority of people.
If it were me, I would say NO. Don't get bullied into doing this.
Although your in-laws feel your the best ones to care for your Mother-In law, clearly communication is not their strong suit. I’m sure you value your family’s feelings and would not want to alienate them from Grandma, but this is a decision that needs serious consideration. I am speaking from personal experience. And as you mentioned before, your relationship with your MIL isn’t the best. The work, the responsibility, the toll it will take on you...I would strongly recommend you and your husband seek counsel with someone in the profession of elder care before moving forward. This is no easy situation and I feel for you.
Good luck
While I absolutely agree that you need to stand firm in what you will and won’t do regarding her care and that the care of your children and DH comes first, that’s a line between you and your husband not an argument on stand you need to take with your BIL, SIL & MIL, which is not to say that you shouldn’t back up DH as he is drawing any lines with them. I also don’t agree that it’s all up to you and it’s not the stand I would take. What is totally up to you is what you are willing and able to take on and as long as you are clear with DH about what that is and stick to it you are absolved of any dreams and illusions he might hold on to in regard to your care of MIL. It is however his home as well and if he still chooses to move her into it I don’t see how you can refuse, you just don’t lift a finger to enable it, it will be his responsibility to provide whatever care she needs, deal with any issues she creates or disruptions her being there creates for the kids. I know easier said than done but if you can be clear with DH in private and help steer everyone to the better solution that doesn’t include MIL living with either son and family it sure sounds like you will be helping everyone do what’s best for MIL. So often with these things the hardest decision emotionally is the best decision.
If you don't heed our advice, you will find out the hard way the most of us did. Learn from our mistakes. Learn from those of us who've been there, done that.
DEMAND your husband to VISIT Agingcare.com and spend a few hours reading the posts from other caregivers so he can see that is in his future when he brings his demented mother home. He is sacrificing his marriage and his family for his mother who would be better served in a facility.
PS. I suspect your MIL has been just as crappy to your SIL as to you, and neither son either tied to call her out on it earlier.
BIL wants MIL to be part of all decisions? That is fine. It is fine for all three of them to make any decision they want... based on the options available.
These are the options...
1) Pick a facility
2) BIL’s house, if he and wife are willing
3) MIL moves home (her home, not yours) with care and other paid support services
They are free to choose any option they want... as long as it is an option. Your home is not an option. Period. Any of the valid options above are what they get to choose from. No one gets to make hi-jacking someone else’s life an “option”. Ditto for DH’s “decision”. His decision is between the available options. And your home is not one of them. Not good for her or for your family. Rinse and repeat.
And a grandparent watching their grandkids warrants no obligation on either your or BIL’s part to provide in-home nursing care. None. It warrants appreciation... like a thank you, dinner or flowers... not giving up your home life, health, marriage and kids’ education/well-being.
I also found the social worker at the hospital did not have a lot of information about the quality of the assisted living and nursing homes in the area. We hired a social worker to guide us. We found her at aginglifecare.org
She charged by the hour, she had a ton of information and would say things like "avoid this place" and "This place will want to see two years of private pay available." Really helpful information to have.
A friend told me the hospital social worker she was dealing with said "I don't know about the quality of these places because my job is to just get people moved out of the hospital." Shocking! But good to know.
There was a night nurse that was cruel and would not provide dry warm blankets for SD because he had become incontinent. The next day, a Friday, I found a much nicer place and highly rated but had to wait until Monday to get paperwork complete for the move.
The first place, most likely not coincidently, was owned by a group of doctors. It reminded me of the nursing home where I visited a great aunt back in the 60's. Dark, dreary, smelly and scary. This was all before I found this site and just did not know any better, only one week into caregiving for Alz mom.
Ypu are fortunate to have found this site so early in your journey, you can use the mistakes and experience of others to help with your decisions and to support you in the decisions that are YOURS to make.
Bright, if I seem to becoming more harsh, I am, because I feel you starting to cave in and relinquish your control and say so to all the others.
NO MORE INFORMATION IS NEEDED, you have made up your mind.
Some real positives happening: Getting more time to respond. Having a family meeting. (Some families splinter up before this even gets started). Everyone having a say. Everyone being listened to. Getting more medical info.
From the original post "Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care".
I think the sticking point is BIL (& maybe Husband?) Not yet accepted the diagnoses. It's a shock, this is their Mom, I get it.
Once the dementia diagnosis is accepted, what stage/level MIL currently is, what is required in the near future THEN a care plan can be made.
I personally agree with the vast majority of posters to not move MIL in, but if the Brightside family decide to do it, I hope they do it with their eyes open, all the facts & of their own decision (not pressure from BIL).
It's a long journey, so good travelmates are essential!
Second, you say “I feel like my husband is listening to my concerns, but he hasn’t given me his opinion on anything yet. He keeps saying he wants to hear from the doctor, etc’. He wants to ‘ hear all the facts before making a decision.” Dear Lady, IT'S NOT HIS DECISION TO MAKE.
You need to be much much stronger. This isn’t about your ‘concerns’. You are saying NO. Your husband’s ‘opinion’ is NOT RELEVANT. He is not going to be the one doing all the work. Your ‘opinion’ is the only one that matters on that – you, DH, BIL and SIL can all have opinions about other care options, but the person who does the care is the one who decides if they can do it. Your husband can 'hear all the facts’, but he does NOT ‘make the decision’. You already know what any decision reliant on you ought to be, because YOU have already decided what you should and should not do.
Please, do not let your husband and your inlaws push you into doing something that will be so bad for you, your marriage and your children. You know already that you will regret it. Don’t go there! Don't put it off to avoid a quarrel now, because the quarrel will still come, and it will be even more bitter later on.
I pray that you are well. I am concerned and would like to hear from you. How did things go?
499HopeFloats
May 30, 2020
"I love you. I support and respect you. But that respect will decrease over time if you allow other people to have a seat at the table of our marriage and home because you don’t want to make them angry.
THESE are the things you should consider over the weekend. I have given this a great deal of thought. I will not be changing my mind. I will not be a caregiver/housekeeper for anyone. I will not be part of a breach in our marriage and family life. I am protecting our home and will continue to do so.
I am a soft-hearted person, but I can also have a lion heart when it comes to protecting my family. The emotional manipulation your brother has employed in the past will no longer work for me. I will fight for you and our kids, even if you can’t right now. That is how much I love you.
If you are with me in that, we will come up with a response to BIL and MIL that is helpful to MILs needs, without rocking our whole world.”
The three hardest things when dealing with emotionally manipulative people are A) being firm in your decision without getting emotional B) staying off of the defensive... you do not need to justify your decision to anyone C) not letting them suck you back into emotion... they will push your buttons - guilt, cultural expectations, etc. - and they know you well enough to know which buttons are most effective.
You have to step out of their game. If you stay in, they will win... they are VERY good at the game. You have to move off their board. For some people, it takes years of therapy. You have about 10 minutes to get these skills. I wish you the best."
I feel for you, this expectation from your BIL is not okay nor realistic. Does he know how your MIL has treated you all these years? I think you should tell him. And besides, why can't she move in with HIM? You do not have to do this. If she moves in it could be for a lot longer than just until July.
There is some great advice here, I do think you should contact the advisors on this website for their expert help, include your husband on the communications - he is likely feeling torn between his obligations to you and your kids, and his mother - and doesn't know how to meet both. Their advice might be able to clarify that for him.
Take care, I hope things work out. Keep breathing, you sound like an amazing woman with your family's best interests at heart. Bless.
It can be INCREDIBLY hard to speak what you know has to be said when you know no one is going to want to hear it.
SO I would just print out 499HopeFloats answer, and any/all other answers that tell you unequivocally NO, DO NOT DO THIS! Print them out and then just hand them over to your husband and your BIL, If you don't open your mouth, they won't be able to put their words into it. Just hand over the printed out answers. If they have a question, tell them to keep reading, pretty much everything has been covered in these responses to your questions. What part of NO can't they understand?