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My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.

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I never could find your update but I read that your MIL is living with her other son and his wife. You dodged a bullet!

Anyway...your BIL owes you and your husband an apology. Not only did he want to pawn his mother off on you regardless of your circumstances but he also blew up at you both because of the stress he is putting himself under by second guessing the ALF decision.

You can't stop others from making mistakes. You and your husband hopefully have had several conversations about what you both are and are not willing to do for his mother. At the top of that list is you are not willing to move her into your home.

You can help your husband by sharing with him what you learn on this forum. You can help your husband establish healthy boundaries with his family members who are intrusive. Your marriage and your family come first.

Your husband needs to have a clear picture about how much money his mother has to pay toward her care. Once her meds start working and she's medically stable, she should get all important paperwork done e.g. durable power of attorney for both medical and financial, living will/advance directives and will. Dementia only gets worse and everyone needs to be on the same page about her end of life care.
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" If only I would have found this group sooner, maybe I could have shared it in time with everyone, and we wouldn’t be in this mess."

MrsBrightside - you found this group just in the nick of time. It could have been YOU in your SIL's position right now, having MIL living under your roof, and BIL taking his sweet time weighing options for his mother while you're pulling out your hair trying to hold on to your sanity.

Even if you found this forum earlier, you may not be able to change what others do. Sometimes, people have to try things out for themselves in order to discover they shouldn't have done those. That's the case for many of us, we found out the hard way and try to warn others. Your BIL/SIL now found out for themselves...

Just thank your lucky star you dodged a bullet.
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Mrs. Brightside, how did things go coming into the weekend?
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MrsBrightside Jun 2020
She’s still at my brother in laws. We thought we had an assisted living home picked out, ready for her to move in to this weekend. Then my bil started to second guess it, thinking perhaps it wasn’t the right choice. My sil blew up, as she’s at her wits end, and said she’s done helping. Then she stormed out of the room and my bil started laying into my husband and me, using profanity, saying we don’t do anything to help. Which is so untrue. Luckily my husband stopped me from saying anything I’d regret. He handled it well. We left. My husband was supposed to call his brother this morning on his way in to work. I’m still waiting to hear how that conversation went. If only I would have found this group sooner, maybe I could have shared it in time with everyone, and we wouldn’t be in this mess.
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Don't do it! Taking care of someone is not easy even when you love them and get along with them. Everything you have stated sounds like this is a disaster in the making as well as not a fair situation for you. I would totally advise you not to do it.
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No no no no no! Don’t do it. If BIL can’t make a decision you do it. For the sake of your marriage and family do not move her into your home. It is obvious that you will be the one doing most if not all of the work caring for her. Your husband isn’t home, where is the BIL in all of this?

The best thing for your MIL will be to ask the hospital social worker for help finding her a placement, even if it is temporary. Do what is best for the majority of people.
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Based on just two facts - dementia and her behavior towards you - makes this an impossible situation. Do NOT, no matter how hard or what pressure is put on you, TAKE THIS WOMAN INTO YOUR CARE. It will end up destroying everything you love and hold sacred. You and your family come first - no if's about that. I fear once she is with you, you won't get her out to a facility. DO NOT ALLOW THIS.....STAND FIRM. If you need help for her now, she needs a caretaker to do this job - not you - and consider placing her. She obviously does not deserve you based on how she has been towards you in the past.
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Since all of her care falls on you, you have every right to ask questions and say NO if you choose to.  You don't say the ages of your children, but I don't know how you're going to take care of someone with dementia, work a full time job and juggle your children while taking care of her.  I would suggest that one of her two sons take FMLA from their job to manage her until she is placed.  I am sure that would light a fire under your BIL making a decision.

If it were me, I would say NO.  Don't get bullied into doing this.
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well it nice of your brother in law to suggest that YOU take care of her until he figures things out.  sorry.....get ahold of an Elder attorney immediately and get things set up.  check around into different nursing facilities and see if they will take Medicaid because you might be able to get her into a place and when her funds run down, Medicaid will kick in.  IN the meantime, hire a full time nurse (they can change out shifts) to stay with your mother in law, which she can pay for.  We all feel that we have to "take care" of our elders, but do NOT feel guilty if you do not.  It will take over YOUR life.  If you have disagreements now with hubby it will only get worse and you will grow apart.  Its not fair to the children either, let alone you since it appears that you will have the majority of the work.  what happens when hubby gets home from work.......will he take over the care of your mother?  or will you still be doing everything?  good luck
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Dear Friend,
Although your in-laws feel your the best ones to care for your Mother-In law, clearly communication is not their strong suit. I’m sure you value your family’s feelings and would not want to alienate them from Grandma, but this is a decision that needs serious consideration. I am speaking from personal experience. And as you mentioned before, your relationship with your MIL isn’t the best. The work, the responsibility, the toll it will take on you...I would strongly recommend you and your husband seek counsel with someone in the profession of elder care before moving forward. This is no easy situation and I feel for you.
Good luck
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your life would change if you do and your marriage will break up trust me tell your brother in law NO LET HER GO TO HER HOME AND HAVE AIDES COME IN and her sons can help out there also.
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don't bring your mother in law to your home tell your brother in law its not an option and your husband also.
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MrsBrightside, I just read your update and something that stood out to me is the fact that too much moving around will be hard on your MIL (as well as everyone else). Maybe a good thing to focus her sons on is that while it would make everyone feel less guilty rite now perhaps if she were to go home to her home or one of yours you need to give serious thought as to whether or not it would be best for her in the long run. This is a good opportunity to make a more long term move that everyone can settle into. Ideally for anyone advancing in age is the ability to remain as independent as possible and while it sounds like her current home isn’t practical (maybe too much independence) IL or AL is best for her now. A place where she can have her own space and hopefully be able to stay at least on the same campus when she needs more care rather than uprooting her multiple times. While harder for her sons to think about now perhaps, having to do it later and perhaps having to live her directly into more skilled care later will be harder on her. Focus on needing to do what’s best for her, not her sons and not even you. She’s used to living on her own why not enable her to continue doing that rather than having to adapt to a families schedule, having kids in the house full time etc (paint the not so pretty picture of this for an elderly informed person still rehabbing) and then likely having to move her again.

While I absolutely agree that you need to stand firm in what you will and won’t do regarding her care and that the care of your children and DH comes first, that’s a line between you and your husband not an argument on stand you need to take with your BIL, SIL & MIL, which is not to say that you shouldn’t back up DH as he is drawing any lines with them. I also don’t agree that it’s all up to you and it’s not the stand I would take. What is totally up to you is what you are willing and able to take on and as long as you are clear with DH about what that is and stick to it you are absolved of any dreams and illusions he might hold on to in regard to your care of MIL. It is however his home as well and if he still chooses to move her into it I don’t see how you can refuse, you just don’t lift a finger to enable it, it will be his responsibility to provide whatever care she needs, deal with any issues she creates or disruptions her being there creates for the kids. I know easier said than done but if you can be clear with DH in private and help steer everyone to the better solution that doesn’t include MIL living with either son and family it sure sounds like you will be helping everyone do what’s best for MIL. So often with these things the hardest decision emotionally is the best decision.
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You are out of out of line and out of your mine if you allow this to happen. Why can't mil live with your bil during this decision making journey. You have a lot on your plate and I think your bil and your husband have more than a little nerve adding to the plate. Your husband should definitely visit this site and learn; he or yout bil need to contact hospital social worker immediately and explain that your home is not a safe discharge. The social worker at the hospital can only give you a list of facilities to look at; they cannot make recommendations that's business policy in every hospital. Something like this site will help you find facilities in your area that you may be pleased with. Understand that no matter how good a facility is it is not home for a dementia resident. When your mother or your loved one is home with you, when they call you you drop everything except the baby, to rush to them. That's probably not going to happen in a facility. They have limited staff even in the best of facilities and if a resident is a two person assist they're going to have to wait until there's another CNA available to help. That's just a fact of life. The dementia and the history that you and mil have means that your home is not a safe place for her and if she comes it won't be a safe place for you or your marriage either.
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MrsBrightsie - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

If you don't heed our advice, you will find out the hard way the most of us did. Learn from our mistakes. Learn from those of us who've been there, done that.

DEMAND your husband to VISIT Agingcare.com and spend a few hours reading the posts from other caregivers so he can see that is in his future when he brings his demented mother home. He is sacrificing his marriage and his family for his mother who would be better served in a facility.
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I saw the update.   You are saying a Thursday or Friday release date.  Call the hospital immediately and tell them there is no safe bed at your house.

PS.  I suspect your MIL has been just as crappy to your SIL as to you, and neither son either tied to call her out on it earlier.  
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Glad to see the update.

BIL wants MIL to be part of all decisions? That is fine. It is fine for all three of them to make any decision they want... based on the options available.

These are the options...

1) Pick a facility
2) BIL’s house, if he and wife are willing
3) MIL moves home (her home, not yours) with care and other paid support services

They are free to choose any option they want... as long as it is an option. Your home is not an option. Period. Any of the valid options above are what they get to choose from. No one gets to make hi-jacking someone else’s life an “option”. Ditto for DH’s “decision”. His decision is between the available options. And your home is not one of them. Not good for her or for your family. Rinse and repeat.

And a grandparent watching their grandkids warrants no obligation on either your or BIL’s part to provide in-home nursing care. None. It warrants appreciation... like a thank you, dinner or flowers... not giving up your home life, health, marriage and kids’ education/well-being.
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You have a lot on your plate. Tell brother in law and husband that while placement is being determined, you need in home health care to assist you. (You can probably ask the doctor for this service before they release her). Hubby and bro-in-law need to be prepared to fork over any additional hours of pay that you will need. If they have to spend money instead of getting the free care from you, they decision might be made a little quicker. Additionally, get a calendar out for bro-in-law and tell him/his wife or kids to sign up for every other weekend to come in and take full charge of her - or a couple days/nights per week. Your mom has 2 children who should be actively involved. When hubby gets home from work, he can kick in his share of the up/down get me this or that routine that you've been doing all day. If you take all this on your shoulders and don't lay out some guidelines, you could easily become the permanent 24/7 caretaker
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FloridaDD Jun 2020
While your suggestion was well intended, the BIL and his Wife will likely not live up to their commitments.  I have seen it happen.  Between job demands, their kid being sick, the covaid, there will some excuse as to why they cannot make it.  Mrs. B, do NOT agree to this.   Tell them your DH will go every other weekend to give them a break.
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Mrs Brightside-
I also found the social worker at the hospital did not have a lot of information about the quality of the assisted living and nursing homes in the area. We hired a social worker to guide us. We found her at aginglifecare.org

She charged by the hour, she had a ton of information and would say things like "avoid this place" and "This place will want to see two years of private pay available." Really helpful information to have.

A friend told me the hospital social worker she was dealing with said "I don't know about the quality of these places because my job is to just get people moved out of the hospital." Shocking! But good to know.
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gladimhere Jun 2020
The same happened with stepdad following a knee replacement. The hospital gave us two days notice to find rehab facility. The hospital social worker gave us a short list of places to check out and see if they had any beds available. Chose one, after a visit, it was the best of three.

There was a night nurse that was cruel and would not provide dry warm blankets for SD because he had become incontinent. The next day, a Friday, I found a much nicer place and highly rated but had to wait until Monday to get paperwork complete for the move.

The first place, most likely not coincidently, was owned by a group of doctors. It reminded me of the nursing home where I visited a great aunt back in the 60's. Dark, dreary, smelly and scary. This was all before I found this site and just did not know any better, only one week into caregiving for Alz mom.

Ypu are fortunate to have found this site so early in your journey, you can use the mistakes and experience of others to help with your decisions and to support you in the decisions that are YOURS to make.

Bright, if I seem to becoming more harsh, I am, because I feel you starting to cave in and relinquish your control and say so to all the others.

NO MORE INFORMATION IS NEEDED, you have made up your mind.
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Just read the update:

Some real positives happening: Getting more time to respond. Having a family meeting. (Some families splinter up before this even gets started). Everyone having a say. Everyone being listened to. Getting more medical info.

From the original post "Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care".

I think the sticking point is BIL (& maybe Husband?) Not yet accepted the diagnoses. It's a shock, this is their Mom, I get it.

Once the dementia diagnosis is accepted, what stage/level MIL currently is, what is required in the near future THEN a care plan can be made.

I personally agree with the vast majority of posters to not move MIL in, but if the Brightside family decide to do it, I hope they do it with their eyes open, all the facts & of their own decision (not pressure from BIL).

It's a long journey, so good travelmates are essential!
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gladimhere Jun 2020
I think what DH and BIL are doing is called denial.
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Mrs Brightside, you gave more information 5 hours ago in a reply to 499, and it was a worry. First, if BIL and SIL don’t want to care for MIL at her condo because “it’s too dirty and messy for them to spend time there”, they can always hire a cleaner. Or perhaps clean it up themselves. It’s a joke, not a reason for MIL to come to you!

Second, you say “I feel like my husband is listening to my concerns, but he hasn’t given me his opinion on anything yet. He keeps saying he wants to hear from the doctor, etc’. He wants to ‘ hear all the facts before making a decision.” Dear Lady, IT'S NOT HIS DECISION TO MAKE.

You need to be much much stronger. This isn’t about your ‘concerns’. You are saying NO. Your husband’s ‘opinion’ is NOT RELEVANT. He is not going to be the one doing all the work. Your ‘opinion’ is the only one that matters on that – you, DH, BIL and SIL can all have opinions about other care options, but the person who does the care is the one who decides if they can do it. Your husband can 'hear all the facts’, but he does NOT ‘make the decision’. You already know what any decision reliant on you ought to be, because YOU have already decided what you should and should not do.

Please, do not let your husband and your inlaws push you into doing something that will be so bad for you, your marriage and your children. You know already that you will regret it. Don’t go there! Don't put it off to avoid a quarrel now, because the quarrel will still come, and it will be even more bitter later on.
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Be careful to remember that the Social Worker is NOT your friend. The Social Worker is looking to solve the problem of where to place MIL, and you are the easiest solution. Don’t believe a word they say, no matter how sympathetic it sounds!
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Imho, your gut instinct is what you should go with since that is correct. You CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT have her live with you.
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MrsBrightside
I pray that you are well. I am concerned and would like to hear from you. How did things go?
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Is there such a time to say "No" to someone? No one can work 24/7.
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I took care of my mil because I thought I was suppose too. I had the same issue with her, just nasty. I ended up calling an ambulance anytime she fell because I couldn’t lift her. The men don’t understand. I also worked from home full time, taking care of kids etc. I ended up contacting her doctor and had a private chat about not being able to care for her any longer. The doctor worked to place her in rehab to get her stronger and told my husband and sister in law. She never got stronger and was then moved to long term care. No hurt feelings or being judged. So I suggest you take a little time before your mil comes to your house and ask the medical team caring for her now for some help in the situation. Hopefully they will have some solutions.
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DON'T TAKE HER!!! In the words of someone else in this thread, JUST SAY NO. Tell the hospital and your brother that you absolutely cannot take her into your home. You have too much on your plate right now if you have school age children you are home schooling PLUS working from home & being a wife and all that intails. Tell the hospital & your brother to place her - trust me, they will find a place when give the fact that you won't take her. Please do not give in. You owe it to your children to be "present" for them, not give them leftover time from caregiving because there will not be any!! Trust me, I've been doing it for over 5 years. I am single, grown children and work full time (essential worker). Even with a part time care giver coming in every day for 8 hours, I am exhausted because I am basically working 2 full time jobs. 7 to 4 away at my job & then 5 to 11pm feeding her, changing her, doing laundry, cleaning up after her. I give her an over the counter sleeping pill just so I can have an hour to my self before I fall into bed at midnight. I have already put my brothers on notice, I am DONE in another year. If they don't want her I will place her somewhere and never look back. I owe it to myself to enjoy my 60s!
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Please consider how many fulltime jobs you can handle. Homeschool is one full time job. Working from home is another full time or part time job. Caring for your home and your marriage requires time. Caregiving is a 24/7 job. It seems that you will not have enough hours in the day, especially for a mother who is especially needy. Please consider talking to social services about your schedule and try to find alternative placement for your mother before she comes home with you. It may be much harder to find her a place once she is in your home.
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I hope I am not breaching any of the guidelines for this forum by reposting another's response here from several pages down this thread... but the words are SO helpful and eloquent, it needs to be pushed back up to the top of the comments - for all to see again. It helped me heaps. With huge thanks to 499HopeFloats for putting these heart-full words together for MrsBrightside. (And more hugs to you and your family MrsB):

499HopeFloats
May 30, 2020
"I love you. I support and respect you. But that respect will decrease over time if you allow other people to have a seat at the table of our marriage and home because you don’t want to make them angry.

THESE are the things you should consider over the weekend. I have given this a great deal of thought. I will not be changing my mind. I will not be a caregiver/housekeeper for anyone. I will not be part of a breach in our marriage and family life. I am protecting our home and will continue to do so.

I am a soft-hearted person, but I can also have a lion heart when it comes to protecting my family. The emotional manipulation your brother has employed in the past will no longer work for me. I will fight for you and our kids, even if you can’t right now. That is how much I love you.

If you are with me in that, we will come up with a response to BIL and MIL that is helpful to MILs needs, without rocking our whole world.”

The three hardest things when dealing with emotionally manipulative people are A) being firm in your decision without getting emotional B) staying off of the defensive... you do not need to justify your decision to anyone C) not letting them suck you back into emotion... they will push your buttons - guilt, cultural expectations, etc. - and they know you well enough to know which buttons are most effective.

You have to step out of their game. If you stay in, they will win... they are VERY good at the game. You have to move off their board. For some people, it takes years of therapy. You have about 10 minutes to get these skills. I wish you the best."
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Hi Mrs Brightside
I feel for you, this expectation from your BIL is not okay nor realistic. Does he know how your MIL has treated you all these years? I think you should tell him. And besides, why can't she move in with HIM? You do not have to do this. If she moves in it could be for a lot longer than just until July.

There is some great advice here, I do think you should contact the advisors on this website for their expert help, include your husband on the communications - he is likely feeling torn between his obligations to you and your kids, and his mother - and doesn't know how to meet both. Their advice might be able to clarify that for him.

Take care, I hope things work out. Keep breathing, you sound like an amazing woman with your family's best interests at heart. Bless.
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Mrs. Brightside,

It can be INCREDIBLY hard to speak what you know has to be said when you know no one is going to want to hear it.

SO I would just print out 499HopeFloats answer, and any/all other answers that tell you unequivocally NO, DO NOT DO THIS! Print them out and then just hand them over to your husband and your BIL, If you don't open your mouth, they won't be able to put their words into it. Just hand over the printed out answers. If they have a question, tell them to keep reading, pretty much everything has been covered in these responses to your questions. What part of NO can't they understand?
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