My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.
Although your in-laws feel your the best ones to care for your Mother-In law, clearly communication is not their strong suit. I’m sure you value your family’s feelings and would not want to alienate them from Grandma, but this is a decision that needs serious consideration. I am speaking from personal experience. And as you mentioned before, your relationship with your MIL isn’t the best. The work, the responsibility, the toll it will take on you...I would strongly recommend you and your husband seek counsel with someone in the profession of elder care before moving forward. This is no easy situation and I feel for you.
Good luck
If it were me, I would say NO. Don't get bullied into doing this.
The best thing for your MIL will be to ask the hospital social worker for help finding her a placement, even if it is temporary. Do what is best for the majority of people.
MrsBrightside - you found this group just in the nick of time. It could have been YOU in your SIL's position right now, having MIL living under your roof, and BIL taking his sweet time weighing options for his mother while you're pulling out your hair trying to hold on to your sanity.
Even if you found this forum earlier, you may not be able to change what others do. Sometimes, people have to try things out for themselves in order to discover they shouldn't have done those. That's the case for many of us, we found out the hard way and try to warn others. Your BIL/SIL now found out for themselves...
Just thank your lucky star you dodged a bullet.
Anyway...your BIL owes you and your husband an apology. Not only did he want to pawn his mother off on you regardless of your circumstances but he also blew up at you both because of the stress he is putting himself under by second guessing the ALF decision.
You can't stop others from making mistakes. You and your husband hopefully have had several conversations about what you both are and are not willing to do for his mother. At the top of that list is you are not willing to move her into your home.
You can help your husband by sharing with him what you learn on this forum. You can help your husband establish healthy boundaries with his family members who are intrusive. Your marriage and your family come first.
Your husband needs to have a clear picture about how much money his mother has to pay toward her care. Once her meds start working and she's medically stable, she should get all important paperwork done e.g. durable power of attorney for both medical and financial, living will/advance directives and will. Dementia only gets worse and everyone needs to be on the same page about her end of life care.