Am I out of line?

No is a complete answer. Your BIL is way out of line. You are the easiest placement for him to figure out, but that doesn't make it right. You have to protect your kids and your family. If you are not on board with this you will resent EVERYONE and that will come out to your kids, your husband, your MIL too. When you said I do, you didn't marry the whole family directly. Please don't do this.

Dr Grenan here to help you.I treat/work with Alzheimer's and Dementia Patients......also my family took care of my grandmother at her house with Grandpa. My mom was a nurse. Peace & love. It is ez for your Bro in law to tell you what helps him!!!!!! There is NO right answer only the best choice.
God Bless You For Loving & caring The arguments/disagreements have to stop!
Dr Jack Grenan

No you are not out of line and your first priority should be you, because YOU are, as you said, the one there. AND once she is there, you'll be in the bind. She's going to have to be somewhere and she MIGHT be able to be with family but clearly the demands on YOUR family and YOUR marriage come first. Wherever she is now, you can claim it would be an unsafe discharge, but that's only if your husband sees your side of it...how about how truthfully, with dementia, multiple changes of environment won't be a good thing, so better she stays put until a reasonable plan is in place. Living with you doesn't seem like a good long term plan for all the reasons you elaborated on. The only way it might work is if you arrange for, and I would hope your dear brother in law agrees to contribute toward, private hire help in your home, or maybe she qualifies for some support to help cover the expenses? Maybe even help from your local Area Agency on Aging who can offer some respite hours and guidance in figuring this out. It's grossly unfair to burden you when you are working and have all these other responsibilities in the home with caregiving as well. You might be surprised at how it eats at your time as you have to be concerned about meals and clean up. And MD appts etc...Just beware too that any outsider coming in is a potential risk of bringing the virus into your own home...aides are too often low paid and carrying more than one job, some at nursing homes where there is risk...Why is this all your bros in laws decision? Why isn't he taking her into his home, if he wants time to figure it out? Another PS: how bad IS the dementia? Can she live alone with support and safety measures in place? Sometimes the MD's and other professionals will say they can't live alone to CYA. Wishing you luck...and energy...

I have to say this sounds very unfair to you! I take care of my mom in my home and it is overwhelming at times. I resigned my job to take care of her. With Covid my college age kids are home now which although nice to have them here, has added to stress. I cannot imagine doing a job and homeschooling and a MIL with dementia all in my home. I would lose my mind. I would have a heart to heart with hubby. My heart goes out to you! Please let us know how it goes.

You are certainly NOT OUT OF LINE. Your BIL... has no right to do this to you. HE is not going to be the one to have to give up much of his life. I see this type of thing all the time.... people expecting me (and others) to do what they themselves are not willing or just can't do. I had a husband like this. He expected me to take care of his mom full time but.... HE would not even go visit her before she got sick.
It is easy to tell others what their job is when YOU are not the one having to do the care. YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST BEFORE YOUR MIL. Yes... I don't believe in just ignoring her like my ex did. (Yeah.. I divorced him. He was abusive to his kids and me) When MIL had problems... her house was condemned, he ignored it. I offered to move (she had altitude sickness and we lived in Colorado) but he would have none of it. Just ignored the issue. He then let his other family members deal with it and they did. He was always happy to let others take care of problems with his mom. There are some like that and is your hubby like that? I hope not. Hopefully, I would love to see this..........all family members, your siblings.. his siblings... aunts..uncles... get together for a family council and figure this out. Everyone should be responsible for helping to figure out what needs to be done NOT just one family OR one family member telling every body else what THEY are going to do. If it ends up that YOU are taking care of her then.... who will do the grocery shopping? ALL the grocery shopping? You let him know that he will be responsible for ALL the grocery shopping... ordering her medications... filling her med planners...picking up her meds at the pharmacy......keeping track and buying anything she needs......Doing the laundry when he is home. This way... he may see that he is expected to also do some of the work and then decide that this is NOT something that "he is prepared for". Yeah.. my ex would have me do EVERYTHING for his mom while he did NOTHING. Nope... do NOT do that. He also has to take on some of the responsibility and NOT leave it all on you or anyone else Now... if this can be done... and your kids can help... this is actually a great way for kids to see "real life" and learn how to do patient care. Kids can cook...bake.... clean..... help with grocery lists....Don't know how old your kids are...Do you have anyone at a church to help? The problem is... when YOU are doing this by yourself... YOU cannot do this yourself. I would make up a list of what needs to be done... the ordering of meds... picking them up... buying groceries... etc... and make sure he sees it. You are not going to think of everything. But.. your hubby needs to take on added responsibility for homeschooling... grading papers... making assignments.. making sure the kids are on track and doing what they are supposed to be doing. These days, kids are NOT maturing. What I mean by that... they are waited on hand and foot. They can help with the other kids..They can cook, bake clean...vacuum..sweep/mop...And do a ton of praying... I believe in prayer.

Under no circumstances, do not take in your MIL! Do not feel guilty about it either. You have plenty on your plate with working from home and taking care of your children. It's too bad your husband didn't stand up for you and let your BIL know that this is not an option. MIL needs to be referred to a rehab at a nursing facility and then elder law attorney needs to be contacted asap to help with financial assistance, possible Medicaid, etc. You must make your voice heard and do not waiver. This effects you and your children as much, if not more, than anyone else. My thoughts are with you as you deal with this situation.

Don’t do it. She can stay in her home and have help come in, barring that only do it if brother-in-law agrees to having immediate help hired from the day she comes in, and have that help hired before she comes.

No you are not out of line. You are being realistic. Why is July the magic month?
With Covid-19 some communities are not offering tours or taking new residents. Your MIL may have to be on a waiting list for months.
Contact a care advisor from this website, they can help you. (Better yet have DH or BIL do it.) You are going to have to force her two sons to care for her because she their mother not yours. If MIL is already rude to you it won't get better. Your children will hear it all. Why hasn't DH ever confronted her on her behavior before her diagnosis? Until then she can live with BIL and he can experience what he is asking you to live.

Just say no. Boundary setting is so important especially now. It won't be good for anyone if you're not comfortable. Why isn't your brother in law taking her to his home? Given the diagnosis of dementia, I would limit the number of moves for your mother in law due to the exacerbation of adjustment difficulties. Research facilities through medicare.gov, the state department of health, and touring. There is also a checklist available online to use as a tool when touring. I think standing your ground is your best bet. To do otherwise, may just breed resentment. Good luck.

Mrs. Brightside,

It can be INCREDIBLY hard to speak what you know has to be said when you know no one is going to want to hear it.

SO I would just print out 499HopeFloats answer, and any/all other answers that tell you unequivocally NO, DO NOT DO THIS! Print them out and then just hand them over to your husband and your BIL, If you don't open your mouth, they won't be able to put their words into it. Just hand over the printed out answers. If they have a question, tell them to keep reading, pretty much everything has been covered in these responses to your questions. What part of NO can't they understand?

Hi Mrs Brightside
I feel for you, this expectation from your BIL is not okay nor realistic. Does he know how your MIL has treated you all these years? I think you should tell him. And besides, why can't she move in with HIM? You do not have to do this. If she moves in it could be for a lot longer than just until July.

There is some great advice here, I do think you should contact the advisors on this website for their expert help, include your husband on the communications - he is likely feeling torn between his obligations to you and your kids, and his mother - and doesn't know how to meet both. Their advice might be able to clarify that for him.

Take care, I hope things work out. Keep breathing, you sound like an amazing woman with your family's best interests at heart. Bless.

I hope I am not breaching any of the guidelines for this forum by reposting another's response here from several pages down this thread... but the words are SO helpful and eloquent, it needs to be pushed back up to the top of the comments - for all to see again. It helped me heaps. With huge thanks to 499HopeFloats for putting these heart-full words together for MrsBrightside. (And more hugs to you and your family MrsB):

499HopeFloats
May 30, 2020
"I love you. I support and respect you. But that respect will decrease over time if you allow other people to have a seat at the table of our marriage and home because you don’t want to make them angry.

THESE are the things you should consider over the weekend. I have given this a great deal of thought. I will not be changing my mind. I will not be a caregiver/housekeeper for anyone. I will not be part of a breach in our marriage and family life. I am protecting our home and will continue to do so.

I am a soft-hearted person, but I can also have a lion heart when it comes to protecting my family. The emotional manipulation your brother has employed in the past will no longer work for me. I will fight for you and our kids, even if you can’t right now. That is how much I love you.

If you are with me in that, we will come up with a response to BIL and MIL that is helpful to MILs needs, without rocking our whole world.”

The three hardest things when dealing with emotionally manipulative people are A) being firm in your decision without getting emotional B) staying off of the defensive... you do not need to justify your decision to anyone C) not letting them suck you back into emotion... they will push your buttons - guilt, cultural expectations, etc. - and they know you well enough to know which buttons are most effective.

You have to step out of their game. If you stay in, they will win... they are VERY good at the game. You have to move off their board. For some people, it takes years of therapy. You have about 10 minutes to get these skills. I wish you the best."

Please consider how many fulltime jobs you can handle. Homeschool is one full time job. Working from home is another full time or part time job. Caring for your home and your marriage requires time. Caregiving is a 24/7 job. It seems that you will not have enough hours in the day, especially for a mother who is especially needy. Please consider talking to social services about your schedule and try to find alternative placement for your mother before she comes home with you. It may be much harder to find her a place once she is in your home.

DON'T TAKE HER!!! In the words of someone else in this thread, JUST SAY NO. Tell the hospital and your brother that you absolutely cannot take her into your home. You have too much on your plate right now if you have school age children you are home schooling PLUS working from home & being a wife and all that intails. Tell the hospital & your brother to place her - trust me, they will find a place when give the fact that you won't take her. Please do not give in. You owe it to your children to be "present" for them, not give them leftover time from caregiving because there will not be any!! Trust me, I've been doing it for over 5 years. I am single, grown children and work full time (essential worker). Even with a part time care giver coming in every day for 8 hours, I am exhausted because I am basically working 2 full time jobs. 7 to 4 away at my job & then 5 to 11pm feeding her, changing her, doing laundry, cleaning up after her. I give her an over the counter sleeping pill just so I can have an hour to my self before I fall into bed at midnight. I have already put my brothers on notice, I am DONE in another year. If they don't want her I will place her somewhere and never look back. I owe it to myself to enjoy my 60s!

I took care of my mil because I thought I was suppose too. I had the same issue with her, just nasty. I ended up calling an ambulance anytime she fell because I couldn’t lift her. The men don’t understand. I also worked from home full time, taking care of kids etc. I ended up contacting her doctor and had a private chat about not being able to care for her any longer. The doctor worked to place her in rehab to get her stronger and told my husband and sister in law. She never got stronger and was then moved to long term care. No hurt feelings or being judged. So I suggest you take a little time before your mil comes to your house and ask the medical team caring for her now for some help in the situation. Hopefully they will have some solutions.

Is there such a time to say "No" to someone? No one can work 24/7.

MrsBrightside
I pray that you are well. I am concerned and would like to hear from you. How did things go?

Imho, your gut instinct is what you should go with since that is correct. You CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT have her live with you.

Be careful to remember that the Social Worker is NOT your friend. The Social Worker is looking to solve the problem of where to place MIL, and you are the easiest solution. Don’t believe a word they say, no matter how sympathetic it sounds!

Mrs Brightside, you gave more information 5 hours ago in a reply to 499, and it was a worry. First, if BIL and SIL don’t want to care for MIL at her condo because “it’s too dirty and messy for them to spend time there”, they can always hire a cleaner. Or perhaps clean it up themselves. It’s a joke, not a reason for MIL to come to you!

Second, you say “I feel like my husband is listening to my concerns, but he hasn’t given me his opinion on anything yet. He keeps saying he wants to hear from the doctor, etc’. He wants to ‘ hear all the facts before making a decision.” Dear Lady, IT'S NOT HIS DECISION TO MAKE.

You need to be much much stronger. This isn’t about your ‘concerns’. You are saying NO. Your husband’s ‘opinion’ is NOT RELEVANT. He is not going to be the one doing all the work. Your ‘opinion’ is the only one that matters on that – you, DH, BIL and SIL can all have opinions about other care options, but the person who does the care is the one who decides if they can do it. Your husband can 'hear all the facts’, but he does NOT ‘make the decision’. You already know what any decision reliant on you ought to be, because YOU have already decided what you should and should not do.

Please, do not let your husband and your inlaws push you into doing something that will be so bad for you, your marriage and your children. You know already that you will regret it. Don’t go there! Don't put it off to avoid a quarrel now, because the quarrel will still come, and it will be even more bitter later on.

Just read the update:

Some real positives happening: Getting more time to respond. Having a family meeting. (Some families splinter up before this even gets started). Everyone having a say. Everyone being listened to. Getting more medical info.

From the original post "Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care".

I think the sticking point is BIL (& maybe Husband?) Not yet accepted the diagnoses. It's a shock, this is their Mom, I get it.

Once the dementia diagnosis is accepted, what stage/level MIL currently is, what is required in the near future THEN a care plan can be made.

I personally agree with the vast majority of posters to not move MIL in, but if the Brightside family decide to do it, I hope they do it with their eyes open, all the facts & of their own decision (not pressure from BIL).

It's a long journey, so good travelmates are essential!

Mrs Brightside-
I also found the social worker at the hospital did not have a lot of information about the quality of the assisted living and nursing homes in the area. We hired a social worker to guide us. We found her at aginglifecare.org

She charged by the hour, she had a ton of information and would say things like "avoid this place" and "This place will want to see two years of private pay available." Really helpful information to have.

A friend told me the hospital social worker she was dealing with said "I don't know about the quality of these places because my job is to just get people moved out of the hospital." Shocking! But good to know.

You have a lot on your plate. Tell brother in law and husband that while placement is being determined, you need in home health care to assist you. (You can probably ask the doctor for this service before they release her). Hubby and bro-in-law need to be prepared to fork over any additional hours of pay that you will need. If they have to spend money instead of getting the free care from you, they decision might be made a little quicker. Additionally, get a calendar out for bro-in-law and tell him/his wife or kids to sign up for every other weekend to come in and take full charge of her - or a couple days/nights per week. Your mom has 2 children who should be actively involved. When hubby gets home from work, he can kick in his share of the up/down get me this or that routine that you've been doing all day. If you take all this on your shoulders and don't lay out some guidelines, you could easily become the permanent 24/7 caretaker

Glad to see the update.

BIL wants MIL to be part of all decisions? That is fine. It is fine for all three of them to make any decision they want... based on the options available.

These are the options...

1) Pick a facility
2) BIL’s house, if he and wife are willing
3) MIL moves home (her home, not yours) with care and other paid support services

They are free to choose any option they want... as long as it is an option. Your home is not an option. Period. Any of the valid options above are what they get to choose from. No one gets to make hi-jacking someone else’s life an “option”. Ditto for DH’s “decision”. His decision is between the available options. And your home is not one of them. Not good for her or for your family. Rinse and repeat.

And a grandparent watching their grandkids warrants no obligation on either your or BIL’s part to provide in-home nursing care. None. It warrants appreciation... like a thank you, dinner or flowers... not giving up your home life, health, marriage and kids’ education/well-being.

I saw the update.   You are saying a Thursday or Friday release date.  Call the hospital immediately and tell them there is no safe bed at your house.

PS.  I suspect your MIL has been just as crappy to your SIL as to you, and neither son either tied to call her out on it earlier.  

MrsBrightsie - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

If you don't heed our advice, you will find out the hard way the most of us did. Learn from our mistakes. Learn from those of us who've been there, done that.

DEMAND your husband to VISIT Agingcare.com and spend a few hours reading the posts from other caregivers so he can see that is in his future when he brings his demented mother home. He is sacrificing his marriage and his family for his mother who would be better served in a facility.

You are out of out of line and out of your mine if you allow this to happen. Why can't mil live with your bil during this decision making journey. You have a lot on your plate and I think your bil and your husband have more than a little nerve adding to the plate. Your husband should definitely visit this site and learn; he or yout bil need to contact hospital social worker immediately and explain that your home is not a safe discharge. The social worker at the hospital can only give you a list of facilities to look at; they cannot make recommendations that's business policy in every hospital. Something like this site will help you find facilities in your area that you may be pleased with. Understand that no matter how good a facility is it is not home for a dementia resident. When your mother or your loved one is home with you, when they call you you drop everything except the baby, to rush to them. That's probably not going to happen in a facility. They have limited staff even in the best of facilities and if a resident is a two person assist they're going to have to wait until there's another CNA available to help. That's just a fact of life. The dementia and the history that you and mil have means that your home is not a safe place for her and if she comes it won't be a safe place for you or your marriage either.

MrsBrightside, I just read your update and something that stood out to me is the fact that too much moving around will be hard on your MIL (as well as everyone else). Maybe a good thing to focus her sons on is that while it would make everyone feel less guilty rite now perhaps if she were to go home to her home or one of yours you need to give serious thought as to whether or not it would be best for her in the long run. This is a good opportunity to make a more long term move that everyone can settle into. Ideally for anyone advancing in age is the ability to remain as independent as possible and while it sounds like her current home isn’t practical (maybe too much independence) IL or AL is best for her now. A place where she can have her own space and hopefully be able to stay at least on the same campus when she needs more care rather than uprooting her multiple times. While harder for her sons to think about now perhaps, having to do it later and perhaps having to live her directly into more skilled care later will be harder on her. Focus on needing to do what’s best for her, not her sons and not even you. She’s used to living on her own why not enable her to continue doing that rather than having to adapt to a families schedule, having kids in the house full time etc (paint the not so pretty picture of this for an elderly informed person still rehabbing) and then likely having to move her again.

While I absolutely agree that you need to stand firm in what you will and won’t do regarding her care and that the care of your children and DH comes first, that’s a line between you and your husband not an argument on stand you need to take with your BIL, SIL & MIL, which is not to say that you shouldn’t back up DH as he is drawing any lines with them. I also don’t agree that it’s all up to you and it’s not the stand I would take. What is totally up to you is what you are willing and able to take on and as long as you are clear with DH about what that is and stick to it you are absolved of any dreams and illusions he might hold on to in regard to your care of MIL. It is however his home as well and if he still chooses to move her into it I don’t see how you can refuse, you just don’t lift a finger to enable it, it will be his responsibility to provide whatever care she needs, deal with any issues she creates or disruptions her being there creates for the kids. I know easier said than done but if you can be clear with DH in private and help steer everyone to the better solution that doesn’t include MIL living with either son and family it sure sounds like you will be helping everyone do what’s best for MIL. So often with these things the hardest decision emotionally is the best decision.

don't bring your mother in law to your home tell your brother in law its not an option and your husband also.

your life would change if you do and your marriage will break up trust me tell your brother in law NO LET HER GO TO HER HOME AND HAVE AIDES COME IN and her sons can help out there also.