Am I out of line?

I understand how hard and difficult it is to not “go along” with your BIL and husbands plan. The net of it? You can’t deny the unpleasant experiences you’ve had with your MIL. You know this. Your post is so straightforward asking for advice. Trust your gut. You know what the result will be and can predict what the future will be with your MIL’s “short term living” timeframe will do to you and your family.

Approach this situation in a logical way with your husband. Frankly, you will be doing all of the heavy lifting during the day since he is gone during the day. Do yourself a favor and take 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to write/type out the reasons why the short term living situation will not work for you. List out solutions next to those reasons, as you will be giving your husband insight and providing a solution as to why it’s not going to work for you.

Please be sensitive in your approach and discussion with your husband as I’m sure this experience is very hard for him to process.

Stay strong and don’t question how you feel, friend.

Absolutely not. As others have said, July will never come and you’ll be stuck taking on all of the responsibilities. My grandfather has dementia and he has 9 children and 31 grandchildren. Of those, my mom and I are the only ones that help. They are all against going into a nursing home, but there comes a point when you just have to do it. Your kids deserve a happy home and so do you!

Your own children and family come first. Period. Even if it means a break up of your marriage, do not put your children in that situation.

You are about to be saddled with her care. I would say your home is not an option. As soon as they get her into your house YOU will become a full time care giver. Sure the bro in law wants her to live with you! He can then blame you, make decisions from the side lines without lifting a finger, and get out of any responsibility. Since he made the decision she can live with him.
If she was in the psych ward she could be a danger to you and your family by trying to cook at night while the family is sleeping. Get up and leave the house to go back home, or slap a child because she is upset or frustrated shes not in her own home and cant get there. She was in a psych ward for some reason.

It sounds like your husband and bro in law all ready made the decision, you just arent in on it yet. Dont do it. You cant be up 24/7. And then when you are exhausted, you will be blamed for putting her somewhere. Then it's all your fault for putting her in a home. The onus is off of them then. Seems they have it all figured out. If she comes to stay, then it's your husb responsibility. I'd step back and make him do everything. I would say you have the children to look after. Just because you are female doesnt mean you are a natural caregiver and that another person can decide what you are going to do.
Id refuse and say your home isnt an option. If she is forced on you dont lift a finger. Shes your husband's responsibility. Seems they arent asking you but telling you.

Yo need to talk to Doctors and Social workers at this facility to make arrangements for her. Or your bro in-law does. They can help assist in This...No, do NOT take this on or you will be stuck with it....

Short term Respite care while the BIL & Husband find a permanent solution.

Your brother-in-law wants his mother to live with you, not him? Why does he get a vote and you don't? You will be the caregiver for a woman who does not like you and treats you and your children badly. You need to tell your husband some hard truths, like: a) you will lose your job if she lives with you without someone coming in to take care of her b) the children will be traumatized if she lives with you..., and c) you will leave your husband if you spend 24 hours a day with someone who dislikes you that much. Maybe she can stay with your brother-in-law.

The answer is no!

Hi,

your concerns and gut feelings are already steering you to not take on this exhausting and huge responsibility. You are already working from home, taking care of children, cooking, cleaning a house, laundry, etc, etc, etc. you are not physically or mentally capable of taking care of another person with a full time brain disease, it WILL definitely consume you. Period.

You need to speak up, tell your BIL to take care of his own mother Or Tell him to hire a caregiver at his house, or tell your husband to quit his job and he should do it (sounds silly right?) but why should you do it??? Look into respite care or a long term facility too.

I am my mother’s sole caregiver 24/7. I’m single with no kids and unfortunately unemployed too AND it’s still exhausting for me! She’s up all throughout the night, has to be watched that she doesn’t eat a crayon (Small activity toys), need to keep her busy all day, must assist her with “every single” daily task, bathroom, washing, getting dressed, taking meds/vitamins, etc. etc. etc.

Do not agree to take on this responsibility, you will be arguing even more with your husband then, and you will not have enough energy for your children, and will develop a short fuse with everything.

Good luck, stay safe.

I can see how this is not good for your marriage- both ways. Honestly, I think if you refuse to take this on, it gives your marriage a better chance. it does sound as if the "boys", your DH and BIL are solving the immediate problem by giving it to you. You have to protect your kids, that is the bottom line, so I would refuse.

Boundaries, boundaries! You have to speak up, and right now at the beginning. So often this "temporary" situation turns permanent, and that sounds like bad news. Call a family meeting right away.

How old is your husband? If he's more than 1 hour old it's time to cut the old umbilical cord I do believe. Bringing her into your home would be an absolute disaster; and you're kidding yourself if you really think she'd be out by July.

Don't allow it to happen. My mum moved in with me almost 4 years ago and I've had to give up my whole life because of it. I've needed counselling and anti depressants because of her negativity and behaviour. Something needs to be arranged but please don't sacrifice your family life for her.

Don't do it!!!!! Make hubby sit down and talk to you even if he doesn't want to. You have enough on your plate and you have no idea how long it will take you to find care for her. You could end up having her with you for years. Don't let them guilt you into it. The fact you'll be doing all the work and they didn't consult you should be a huge red flag.

Can you tell the hospital that she can't come live with you? Won't they then have to place her for you?

Your husband may react badly if you do not agree to take care of his mother, but you need to stick to your guns and not let her move in. If your husband cares more about his mother than about you, that tells you something.

If you were not working at home and taking care of the children I would say give the husband and BIL a month trial taking care of her. But during this covid crisis, with your husband working outside the home and you trying to take care of the children while working at home there is no way you will be able to work at home and take care of your mil. The only way I see is working is if the MIL’s sons are willing to hire full time care for their mom during the day from 30 mins before she gets up until 30 mins after your husband gets home from work.

If your DH won't support you, your marriage is already on the rocks.

Isn't it so good of your BIL to suggest YOU be the one to take her? I assume this is your husband's mother. What does he have to say about it? I know it is tough with quarantine stuff the way it is now but could you hire part time home health aide to check on her daily? You are not out of line if you don't feel taking her into your home would be a negative experience for your family. And if you are working from home, that means you don't have the time to provide her the care her doctor apparently wants her to have. You and your husband need to agree with what you choose to do and stick to that plan.

I agree with much that has been said here:

Contact the hospital and say there will be no-one at home to care for her as you won't be doing it - so, unsafe discharge.

If things go wrong and you can't stop her coming (husband won't change his mind) be out when she is arriving and for as long as you can manage it - if possible go on vacation with the children. If you can't be away, tell husband you won't be home during the day while she's there and leave in the mornings before he does.

How old are your children? If they are old enough to cope your last resort could be: take to your bed and pretend to be sick. Husband then has to think of an alternative plan.

I’m so sorry your going thru this. Your not out of line. Why doesn’t your mil live with your bil since he’s volunteering you. Tell him she can live with him. If your mil is hateful to you and kids before diagnosis it will only get worse as the disease progress’s. So having that toxcitity in your home is not good.

I have not even stopped to read other comments to your question. Oh my, this is where you have to stand strong for yourself and children. Nice that decisions have been made for you. Others must feel they can walk on you or push you around. Woo put on the brakes. Especially with you working from home plus taking care of the family and home. Strange how men don't realize how hard a women works. One month can end up in two, three and more. Once in, how to change that? Good luck, stand firm!!!

Don’t do it. There is no way it will only be 1 month. Between finding an opening in a care home to getting her finances and health insurance in order or the whole crazy Medicaid process....that takes months. Work with the social workers at the hospital to find placement. That’s what they are there for and they know the process.

You are not out of line. Reach out to the Nurse Resource Manager at the hospital she is in and let them know that she can not come home. They will work with you to find a nursing home or assisted living facility for a direct admit from the hospital instead of sending her home. From my own experience, you can not allow her to come to your house if you already are visualizing problems. Your children and your marriage should come first. Just giving you my opinion and praying you find the right solution for all involved.

I'm not trying to be negative here but very concerned for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. Your BIL and husband is going to stick this ALL on you so you better pull out all stops and stand your ground. It happened to me and others. Once placed in your home, BIL will"forget" or "don't have the time" for researching and find her a place. You know why? Cause he's already found one!! Husband will use the excuse he knows nothing about caregiving FOR HIS MOM and will back away putting in extra time at work or whatever, which just leaves you to care for the kids and put up with abuse from your MIL. You'll more than likely have to scale back your job as things progress. Nip it in the bud right now or you'll be sorry!

I agree with those saying....Don't Do This. It's awful convenient for brother-in-law to make the decision to have her come live you with you. Why is she not going to live with him? Oh....let me gander a guess. Brother-in-law is single and lives in a "too small" residence and you are the woman in the family and therefore the "natural" choice to take care of her. It's a guess, but I'm willing to bet it's probably not too far off the mark. He's either too busy or his place is too small. The reason doesn't matter. He's decided that it shouldn't be him...of course.

Given what you've said about your history with your MIL, she should not be living with you. You should not be expected to be the primary caregiver for her while your husband escapes to his work every day leaving you to care for your children, care for THEIR mother, and also try to work from home. It's an impossible ask. You will never get anything done. My mother didn't even live with me and it was a constant stream of phone calls and asks all day long while I was working.

Your BIL is making the decision that is right for HIM. And once you move her in, she will not leave. There will never be a reason for her to leave. You'll be told over and over to just "hang in there, it's just temporary". But it won't be.

You need to be strong and put your foot down. Dementia does not make people suddenly better people. She was just in a psych ward. Why can't BIL send her home with care? Or....he can temporarily move-in with her until he can arrange for care. Let me tell you...it won't take until July to figure something out if HE has to take care of her.

You are not out of line. You are not being unreasonable. They are being unreasonable putting this task on you. Being a mother, or gender female, does not automatically make you the most appropriate person to care for her. They are....her children. I hate that this happens so often.

Don't Do This. There - I think you already know this. It's hard to be the "bad guy" but if she moves in she will never move out. Brother in law already saying he wants to take time - then he should take her until time is right. You have kids and a husband - it is not fair to the kids. Also, if she is far enough along to require a psych ward - I would not trust her around kids unsupervised. Sane she would never harm them. But she is not responsible. You have to be the adult now. Maybe look for a group home instead of facility, but dont start something you cant finish.

I have not read the responses but want you to know that in no way should you take your mother into your home. Absolutely no way. I can’t stress this enough!!! I am caring for my two parents. They live across the street from me. My mother has dementia. Dementia patients get worse and worse quickly. My word to your family who is pressuring you to have her live at your house. Have her move into their home for a month. They will very quickly realize the exhaustion in caring for one with dementia. Show all the responses to your brother in law and hold your ground.

Does not sound fair at all. You are working from home and taking care of the kids. You have enough on your plate. Not sure what work you do but how would it effect your family if you lost it due to this situation. Maybe that would be a good way to manage the conversation without it getting too heated. Good luck!

Sorry, I haven’t read all of the replies, but tell Hubby that if his Mother moves in, he will have to work from home or quit his job. He cannot take the chance of giving her the coronavirus, which will probably kill her. That should change his tune pretty quickly.