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I am about to get married and am very happy about this. My fiance and I live with his Mother who has Alzheimer's with Dementia stage 3. Because of my fiance's work schedule and routine health needs, I am home much of the time with my Mother In Law. It is not always easy because I have had to decrease my work hours to accomodate being home with her. Also, she has gotten in my face numerous times and even grabbed me in order to try and take things out of my hands, especially keys for my car. At times I don't want to be around her because of this however, I know that I am responsible for her. This sickens me in a way, because I feel forced. I want to to marry my fiance; but, I don't like feeling tied down with caring for her and not being able to do things for myself. So, I am getting to my point. Because of his health situation, there is the possibility that he might not be around in the long run. I hate to accept this and acknowledge this! But, I have to face reality. In the event something happens to him, he has told me that my Mother In Law would be with me and I would take care of her. I am having a hard time grasping this and haven't said anything to my husband. I do love her and definitely want to make sure she is cared for. Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills. Any advice is appreciated.


Thank you!

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You say that you are living with your MIL and Fiance so you do know what you are in for, and it doesn't sound as though you are enjoying it. I know that you know it will get a good deal worse, and no better with the MIL and I know that you know you may soon be caring for BOTH your MIL and your then husband. If this is not something you are signing on for, you had best make this clear to your Fiance. I didn't read below to any Trust documents. You say you Trust your Fiance. I would quote a past President by saying "Trust, but verify".
As to legality, you are never responsible for caring for an elder legally, and if you were made responsible you can always resign legally from those duties. Sometimes not without ease, but you can do it. If, say he has a trust leaving all his funds to his mother for her care and you as Trustee, you would have a choice upon his death to resign that designation. So no, you are never legally responsible for her, you could leave on his death. Other family or court appointed guardian would act on her behalf.
I will say only that if you are unhappy BEFORE the marriage with the overall situation I think you will be amazed at how much worse it is AFTER, as there will be many assumptions made about your having CHOSEN this. And ultimately this is your choice for your life. I wish you the very best of luck moving forward.
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Tothill, not trying to contradict you, but it depends on what type of trust it is whether you can change the beneficiary or restate the trust.

Yours is probably an irrevocable trust. A revocable trust can be changed. Just an FYI.

Crushedlove, when are you guys getting married? Is there any particular reason that you have not already been married? Obviously none of us can know what your relationship is, we can only share from personal experience and beliefs. You must follow your desires and I think most of us want you to really look at this situation from all angles to ensure that you are not being used or set up to be crushed because you didn't see something coming. I get that you love and trust this man, good foundational start.

Can I recommend that you do some serious research on prenuptial agreements, there are some issues with them that are not generally known and could truly set people up for big surprises.
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Friend... I don't think you should marry him cuz sounds like he's just looking for someone to take care of his mother. (Sorry to say that, but your future may go into the crapper if you trust blindly). Best wishes.
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I would demand to see the trust documents and full disclosure on the trust financials. I would then have it reviewed by a lawyer. Who is the trustee? Who is the beneficiary? If you are not legally named in those documents ... then you lose. As for the house... if Mom needs to go into a NH..the house will be used to pay her nh. costs... get a lawyer to explain to all to you. Also..Medicaid would probably require the trust be spend down for her sole benefit too. Get a lawyer.

you are walking into a VERY BAD deal for yourself. Do at least the legal work to be sure you are protected to whatever degree you can. Remember...Mom can probably change the trust to exclude you any time she wants to.

I fear for your future...even more now that you are so obviously entering into this with ignorance of the impact on your future.
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CrushedLove18 Aug 2019
I honestly am feeling stunned by your reply. My MIL is not capable of changing anything legally, let alone drive. She is functioning on a 10 year old level.. most of the time she is functioning like a 3 or 4 year old.
Yes I need a lawyer to learn the details. I will be named in any trust. I trust my fiancé!! Because you are an outsider I understand what you are saying; but, you don’t know the kind of relationship that my fiancé and I have.
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Good luck CrushedLove. We all want what's best for your future and your well being.
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CrushedLove18 Aug 2019
Thank you! I appreciate this.
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I think you should run
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Right on! 'againx100'.
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You will be just a caregiver with benefits. This arrangement will lead to derangement. Say "I don't" to this whole idea.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Well said: Geaton777
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Crushed; I'm going to give this one more shot and then I'll go away.

You are 50. You are in your peak earning years. How many quarters of Social Security have you got? Have you calculated your PIA for ages 62 and for FRA? Do you qualify for SS (many teachers do not). What is your pension estimated to be?

Why are you cutting back on your hours at work if MIL has the funds to pay for care?

A trust that takes effect in 5 years? Why then? What if he dies tomorrow?

The trust will allow you and MIL to stay in the house? How will you pay for upkeep, utilities, food, and your current healthcare and future Medicare premiums?

Why are YOU paying for household bills?

I don't need the answers to these questions. But, my dear, YOU surely do.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Agree: Barb, bravo!
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So, I wish to thank everyone for their input. I was initially looking for some basic advice on what to expect as a daughter in law. I wasn’t looking for relationship advice, that wasn’t my need. We are all caregivers... I assume. We have chosen to care for our loved ones instead of sticking them where we don’t have to deal with them. Yes, I don’t want to be completely responsible for the care of my MIL; but, I know I have the support of my fiancé. If something happened to him I know that she makes enough money to pay for her care and that I would be able to live in the house. When the time comes for more round the clock care, I will be able to make that decision.
By the way... doing a prenup is my idea... I think figuring everything out now is better than being left with helplessness.
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lealonnie1 Aug 2019
If you reread your original post, you are saying "any advice is appreciated." The story you portray sounds awful and even frightening, truthfully. As care givers, most of us have allowed ourselves to be bullied, taken advantage of, coerced, manipulated, lied to, and guilted into doing things we never would have dreamed of before. All in the name of love, too. So, as care givers in the know, and as women in general, we feel obliged to be mother hens and steer you away from what appears to be a horrendous situation for you.
In reality, we've given you the same advice we'd give our daughters, our sisters, our friends or our loved ones who were struggling to make the decisions you're trying to make. We don't want to see you homeless or penniless or stuck alone caring for a demented old woman who tries to stab you one night.
That's what we do here...we look out for each other, regardless if it annoys someone to hear advice they weren't looking for.
Be smart, take care, and keep your eyes wide open my friend. In the end, only you have to live with the choices you make in life, as we all do. Best of luck!
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"...Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills... "

I don't know how old you are, but it seems to me that YOUR priority should be to get a better education and then a better job. I might be dead wrong here but it seems to me you're in the situation you're in because he can provide a roof over your head and support you because you can't do it yourself. HIS priority is to get a free full time caregiver/servant for his mother for the rest of her life.

If he truly loves and cares about you, he'll make sure you will be taken cared of after he dies, not just let you clear out the clutter after 4 years of asking.

Since you don't have a good paying job now, ten years down the road or whenever you're done taking care of MIL, you will not have any marketable skills, thus no job and no money, maybe no place to live too.

Unless the prenup stipulates that you will be financially taken care of for life, that prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Everyone here is trying to shake you and make you see the danger of your situation, but you seem to be stuck on 'love.'
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
Yep. And sometimes love ain't enough. This seems to be one of those cases.
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Too many posts to read so sorry if I am repeating.

First living with her is not a good idea. The way I look at this, your a free Caregiver. I would think twice about marriage when he says you will continue to care for her when he is gone.

So my answer, is NO, you are not responsible for a MIL. She will continue to decline, to the point you will have to do everything for her. Toileting was the worse for me. It sounds like he may never consider LTC for her.
I, also, would not be responsible for anyone that I didn't have full POA for, At this point, I doubt if she could or would assign u as secondary. So, ur hands would be tied if he passes and you have no rights.

You may want to explain to him that if he passes you will not be financially able to care for Mom. And it will take more out of you physically to care for her as the desease gets worse. And you will have no say in her care.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
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"In the event something happens to him, he has told me that my Mother In Law would be with me and I would take care of her. I am having a hard time grasping this and haven't said anything to my husband."

On what basis is he "telling" you this?

Are you going to become her guardian? Do you do everything he tells you to?

This sounds like a very one-sided relationship, one in which you are getting the short end of the stick.

A pre-nup? Will he agree to a pre-nup that stipulates that you will not do hands on, live-in care for his mother if he pre-deceases her?

I think you should seek counseling to work this issue through before you marry.
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CrushedLove18 Jul 2019
I see exactly what you are saying. Actually last night I sat down and talked to him about my feelings regarding caring for his Mother. He said that he has a trust that will become in affect in 5 years and that will allow her and me to continue to live in this house. Also, Mother actually makes enough to afford for all her care in the event something happens to him. I would also be able to make the decision regarding the best care for her. Currently we have care for her 3 days out of the week.
My fiancé and I have discussed a prenup and he agrees that we should look in to it.

Thank you for your input.
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Crushed, I hope your and your fiancé's and his mother's story will have a happy ending, with all my heart I do. And it *can*. There is, for example, nothing at all wrong if you both of you make MIL and her welfare a priority in your life together.

But as well as sorting out the practical side of your marriage, you and he together need to attend to a practical care plan for your MIL. Keeping her at home as part of your household for as long as possible may well be part of that, but it mustn't all fall on you and at the moment it is all on you. He seems to be thinking that you are the care plan. No. Not good enough.

Have you had a look around at what care options are available locally? Support services, respite breaks, continuing care and memory care facilities?
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Thank you everyone for all your input. I have actually had all these thoughts over the years and am aware of the loss of my freedom. I do want to state that my fiancé and I have known each other 25 years and recently connected 4 years ago. I don’t doubt his love for me and that he wants me to be his wife. I know he supports my needs and interests. I love him and have been in love with him since the day I met him. However, I do know that his Mother is definitely top on his priority!! It is their house... I moved in 2 years ago and it was already completely full of his Morher’s things! Although, after voicing my frustration about all her stuff crammed in the basement... (4 years later) I have cleaned it all out and with my fiancé’s blessings!
My point is that I do have his support in some things. BUT... yes, I still feel tied down. At this time I am going to insist on a prenup and speaking with a lawyer.
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gladimhere Jul 2019
What purpose is the prenuptial? If the home is in MIL's name and fiance's Medicaid, if they become involved, will place liens on the house equal to the cost of nursing home care. There may be a way for you to remain in the house then recovery would happen after your death. Medicaid does not recognize prenuptial agreements.

Good you plan on seeing an elder law attorney.
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I am speaking from experience. RUN. Run as fast as you can away from this situation. If you still wish to date your fiance, that is fine. But know that this could go on for MANY years and that is precious wasted time. I wish I had know 5 years ago what I know now. I would have RUN. I wish you all the best....truly I do. I do not want you to make a mistake that will affect you negatively for MANY years.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
👍 so true Monica, & Sorry for what you went thru.
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Another consideration is this future MIL house? What marital assets will be left if he does die before her? You are left with zero, widowed dil, except being burned out, stuck with MIL, no legal rights to anything, zero anything to your name or to call your own. Marriage is celebrated as love yet if you ask a lawyer it's actually more of a financial transaction hence divorce is dissolving that contract and splitting assets and obligations as fairly as possible. He is setting you up for a full life of servitude with zero benefits. There is no need to live with her, she can get home health care, depending on her financial situation she may be able to have it at least subsidized by the state. Make sure to keep your job and save for your own retirement and old age, no one else will. If he loves you he will agree, if you are just potential "free" caregiver he wont. Future MIL is already showing her true colors and will get much worse towards you. As dementia sets in behavior will become worse, physical abuse towards you will escalate and if he's not putting his foot down now and getting you OUT of this negative situation now he never will. Believe me he will not, I know he will never do it if he hasn't by now (I live it)
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Look at this without even considering what to do If he dies. If he dies, he won’t know what’s going on anyway. You’re already decreasing your work schedule to help care for her & can’t afford to pay bills. She is only going to get worse. If it’s hard now, think how much harder it’s only going to get. What if he is around for years & never wants her placed in a nursing facility? Are you prepared to completely quit your job or have WWIII with your fiancé/husband?

Now, If he does die, does he have a large life insurance policy to pay the bills? Because even if with all your heart you love her & want to care for her, you’re still going to need money for the things you need/want.

I’m sorry & I hate to sound rude, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy romance. Never marry thinking/hoping a situation/someone will improve. If you were my daughter/sister/friend, I would be begging you with tears in my eyes to break this off.
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Sounds to me like this man is really "married" to his mom.  This is not a basis for healthy marriage but for acquiring an accessory to serve his household needs. I suspect we are talking "bigamy" here -  why not follow advice to move out, resume your work career and let the relationship develop and see where it is going.  Please don't be trapped into the "I must be married to be a worthwhile human being."  Marrying so you can say "I'm married..." Better off single.
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Monica19815 Jul 2019
Excellent advice.
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Please do not do this. I know that you're optimistic that things will work out and excited about getting married. I've been married 37 years, moved MIL into my home, It is no longer MY home but hers and her son's. She has broken, given away, moved, or thrown away more of my items than I can list. Usually I don't know about it until its too late to retrieve them. Are you ready to give up your life? Go no where unless she's with you? Forget having any friends, they will stop visiting, they will stop asking you to do things because they KNOW you can not leave MIL home alone and she will get to the point you will not want to take her to social gatherings because she has no stops anymore, will act and say very inappropriate things, making others around her embarrassed and uncomfortable. Don't forget a shopping trip to the mall means packing a diaper bag because she will be needing it. Public bathrooms are hard to clean them up, change depends, usually pants too. Bag the clothes up and seal in a ziploc, still smells, you're the one carrying the mess, literally. Special diets to adhere to. Constant negativity not just from MIL, but also from new husband because he doesn't have any fun anymore, YOU don't do enough for him or spend enough time with him. You are looking at 16 hour days, squeeze a shower in somewhere. All housework done? Meds set up? She's already physically attacking you, gonna get worse. You are nothing to her, only her son counts, you are unpaid, unappreciated, overworked and overwhelmed servant. Get your own apartment, pick up more hours at work or find one making more money. You DO NOT need nor want to do this, believe me, you really don't. If he loves you he will agree to mom getting home health care, HE can move from mom's house, go to couples counseling to help him understand that marriage for the sake of finding a caregiver for his mother is not a reason to get married. Does he have siblings you will need to deal with? Good luck there too if he does. You don't want to jump into this rabbit hole, like Alice in wonderland you will be attending the mad hatter's tea party for the rest of your life.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Well said: 'Takincare'. 👏
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Why, do you want to marry your fiancé?

I can see why he wants to marry you. I am having a little trouble understanding how this relationship is improving your life.

If it's going to be "because I love him and I know he loves me" then that is lovely and romantic. And you can move out and return to your full-time work and enjoy allowing your relationship with him to develop at its own pace. Meanwhile, he can make proper plans for his mother's care that do not rely on the continuing good health, goodwill and willing self-sacrifice of another person.

At the moment, he has acquired a live-in nurse who will also be his mother's future security should anything happen to him. The sacrifices you are having to make towards this are compensated... how? How is he making up for your lost earnings? What's happening to your pension and your security?

I am all for love and marriage and for people caring for people. But don't be a sucker.
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CL18, a post of yours from August sounds like you had a better understanding of this situation then...

Answered Aug 2, 2018
Screaming not acceptable. I feel like a monster - like I'm losing it. How do you cope?
I completely understand how you feel. It is best to turn around and walk away (easy to say; but, the best) My Mother in Law can be insulting and a bully. As a teacher, I have a great deal of patience; however, when she is sassing me and getting in my face I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel like I want yell. It takes a lot for me to be calm long enough to make sure I am safely away from her. When alone I feel like trembling jelly and want to just leave, never come back. I do love her and feel guilty when I feel myself losing my patience- which is my key to walk away. On one side I know this isn’t who she really is. But when someone is in my face and giving me a, sincerely, evil grin after trying to lock me outside or is grabbing my foot to get me to leave the house; I feel all my defenses brim over. I hope you are able to get some respite. It does help!! Best wishes!! Take care.

You NEED your job for your own future security. Your job provides you the ability to prepare for the years when you will be elderly. It provides an escape from the daily frustration of caring for MIL. It provides you the opportunity to build on a young person's character and experiences. What would you do without it?
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I think you are being sold a pig in a poke. Don’t do it. The MIL is sick and your fiancé is also sick. I think you are being set up
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This sounds like a match made in heaven - for him and his MIL and not for you. You should definitely reflect on why you you find yourself in this situation, meaning, have you been trained since childhood to be a servant to others? It seems to me that by design your finance found you and decided you were "perfect" for his plans, to make you carer for his mother and him self. A person who really loves another does not expect servitude as part of the deal - so as a stranger, I want to tell you that I am suspicious of his intentions and feelings towards you. You sound happy that you want to be married, but are concerned of a lifetime of servitude either to him, to his mother, or both. Now, noone can force you to be a carer but its sounds that you are "going along with the plan" and are already in this role and not expressing your own voice. Your voice also appears to be in two minds, one one hand you want this relationship (which comes as a package deal the the MIL) and you also see the red flags. Another red flag would be a potential partner who expects you to take care of his mother. Is this a cultural thing or something else? It all sounds like there isn't much in this for you, does there? Or am I missing something? I would definitely see a counsellor if I was you. It sounds to me you need support to find your own voice and develop assertiveness and decision making, in your interests, not in the interests of others. In short, avoid become a doormat. You will really regret it.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Totally agree, Arselle2
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You do understand that you are living in her house and marriage to her son won't change that. Are you willing to always be the other woman in her son's life?

You are already at your wits end with her and your fiance has made his expectations crystal clear. He has no plan to ever put her in a care facility and if you can't continue as is you should reconsider marrying this male and his mom.
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Crushedlove - to add to my previous reply, below are just a few recent posts/threads from other caregivers who are in the trenches.

Listen to the inner voice that lead you to post your question in this forum. I have a hunch the voice is giving you a big warning.

These are just a small sample of thousands of threads:

New caregiver here, any tips for dealing with a combative dementia patient?

What solutions are available for urinary and bowel incontinence, other than wearing a diaper which chafes if worn all the time?

Should I try to fly my 88-year-old incontinent mother cross country to attend her brother’s funeral?

Part of me can't wait for the day she stops initiating conversations...

How do I separate myself from my mother and have my own life?

Feeling hopeless. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
You are so right about being in the trenches. My mother, 92 and going strong, lives in memory care and I'm STILL overwhelmed and sometimes even depressed by the crushing weight of responsibility I feel is on my shoulders with her chronic needs and care. In the past 6 months alone we've taken 3 trips to the ER, one to the hospital, one 20 Day rehab stay with 1 move to a new facility, daily check in visits, one stroke, 3 trips to an ENT doc for vertigo, about 15 calls from the ALF with one threat of being thrown out.......and that's not the half of it. I could write a book. I can't even imagine having her in my home, or a mother in law, NO POSSIBLE WAY. The disease is unmanageable for the most part, and I'd never be able to do the incontinence care alone, never mind the 2000 other things involved.
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Crushedlove - please think twice, three times, or more about the caregiving job that you will have to take on once you get married and move in.

Please take the time to look around the forum and see as many posts as you possibly can because that will most likely be your future.

You will find that most people are so burned out taking care of dementia/Alz patients in their homes because they will have NO life. You will have no time for yourself, no time to be a wife. If/when you have children, what will you do?

Then think long and hard about whether you want to become your future MIL 24/7 caregiver for the next decade or more, that is if your marriage even withstands the stress of caring for a demented person who doesn't like you.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
I think she already lives in the future MILs house.
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This sounds like a situation you need to walk away from.....or run, better yet, as soon as possible! Alzheimer's and dementia is a very serious disease and one you may not be able to handle at home, long term, especially alone. Not to mention a financial hardship and an emotional roller coaster like nothing else on earth. I question your fiance's motives here, since he's suffering health issues as well. How are you supposed to take care of both of them? Has he asked you if you WANT to do this, how YOU feel about it, or is it a forgone conclusion? Why has he not looked into placement in memory care for his hard to handle mother? There are too many red flags for you to ignore. If you insist on staying, hire an elder care attorney to draw up all the necessary documents so there will be no nasty surprises in store for you regarding your legal responsibilities. In any event, I would not get married........mother can have a long life ahead of her yet, filled with much decline in behavior, incontinence, immobility issues and other difficulties too numerous to mention. If nothing else, do lots of research on the disease and its remaining stages so you're not blindsided.
I wish you the best of luck.
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TXGirl82 Jul 2019
Exactly my thoughts. He TOLD you that your MIL will be with you and you will take care of her?

If you were my sister, I would beg you to step back and take a hard look at how this will likely play out. Then, as @lealonnie1 has advised, run away. Better to stay single...
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Before this marriage, see an elder law attorney to learn your financial responsibility for your soon to be husband. I have thought about this extensively, and if a man ever shows up, there will not be a marriage. Too many legal and financial obligations when you marry when older. You could become responsible for hubby's health costs. And Medicaid does not recognize prenuptial agreements.
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Wow that's great advice, my thanks to: 'gladimhere'.
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Why tie yourself down to this? Her health isn't good and his isn't either, those are red flags. I would put marriage on the back burner and definitely not quit your job. U can love someone without marrying them.
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I fear for your future. You should too.

first, quitting your job is a big mistake. Your own future depends on you own career and earning potential...also your own retirement. Please do not just throw that away.

you admit that your future husband has health issues and might not be around for long.....why are you marrying him? Sorry to say this and it might sound rather blunt but it sounds like he is marrying to get a unpaid nursemaid for Mom and set up himself for the same as it may be necessary for him too. Plus...are you really going to try to be sole caregiver AND wage earner for this dysfunctional setup?

if I were you..I would back out of the marriage for now. Insist he get full time PAID help for his mother and you go get a job. Build your future for yourself instead of sacrificing it to them.
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wearynow Jul 2019
Well - said!
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