I am about to get married and am very happy about this. My fiance and I live with his Mother who has Alzheimer's with Dementia stage 3. Because of my fiance's work schedule and routine health needs, I am home much of the time with my Mother In Law. It is not always easy because I have had to decrease my work hours to accomodate being home with her. Also, she has gotten in my face numerous times and even grabbed me in order to try and take things out of my hands, especially keys for my car. At times I don't want to be around her because of this however, I know that I am responsible for her. This sickens me in a way, because I feel forced. I want to to marry my fiance; but, I don't like feeling tied down with caring for her and not being able to do things for myself. So, I am getting to my point. Because of his health situation, there is the possibility that he might not be around in the long run. I hate to accept this and acknowledge this! But, I have to face reality. In the event something happens to him, he has told me that my Mother In Law would be with me and I would take care of her. I am having a hard time grasping this and haven't said anything to my husband. I do love her and definitely want to make sure she is cared for. Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you!

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Why, do you want to marry your fiancé?

I can see why he wants to marry you. I am having a little trouble understanding how this relationship is improving your life.

If it's going to be "because I love him and I know he loves me" then that is lovely and romantic. And you can move out and return to your full-time work and enjoy allowing your relationship with him to develop at its own pace. Meanwhile, he can make proper plans for his mother's care that do not rely on the continuing good health, goodwill and willing self-sacrifice of another person.

At the moment, he has acquired a live-in nurse who will also be his mother's future security should anything happen to him. The sacrifices you are having to make towards this are compensated... how? How is he making up for your lost earnings? What's happening to your pension and your security?

I am all for love and marriage and for people caring for people. But don't be a sucker.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to Countrymouse

I think you are being sold a pig in a poke. Don’t do it. The MIL is sick and your fiancé is also sick. I think you are being set up
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to PandabearAUS

I fear for your future. You should too.

first, quitting your job is a big mistake. Your own future depends on you own career and earning potential...also your own retirement. Please do not just throw that away.

you admit that your future husband has health issues and might not be around for long.....why are you marrying him? Sorry to say this and it might sound rather blunt but it sounds like he is marrying to get a unpaid nursemaid for Mom and set up himself for the same as it may be necessary for him too. Plus...are you really going to try to be sole caregiver AND wage earner for this dysfunctional setup?

if I were you..I would back out of the marriage for now. Insist he get full time PAID help for his mother and you go get a job. Build your future for yourself instead of sacrificing it to them.
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Reply to Katiekate
wren9184 Jul 24, 2019
Well - said!
This sounds like a match made in heaven - for him and his MIL and not for you. You should definitely reflect on why you you find yourself in this situation, meaning, have you been trained since childhood to be a servant to others? It seems to me that by design your finance found you and decided you were "perfect" for his plans, to make you carer for his mother and him self. A person who really loves another does not expect servitude as part of the deal - so as a stranger, I want to tell you that I am suspicious of his intentions and feelings towards you. You sound happy that you want to be married, but are concerned of a lifetime of servitude either to him, to his mother, or both. Now, noone can force you to be a carer but its sounds that you are "going along with the plan" and are already in this role and not expressing your own voice. Your voice also appears to be in two minds, one one hand you want this relationship (which comes as a package deal the the MIL) and you also see the red flags. Another red flag would be a potential partner who expects you to take care of his mother. Is this a cultural thing or something else? It all sounds like there isn't much in this for you, does there? Or am I missing something? I would definitely see a counsellor if I was you. It sounds to me you need support to find your own voice and develop assertiveness and decision making, in your interests, not in the interests of others. In short, avoid become a doormat. You will really regret it.
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Reply to Arselle2
Tiger55 Aug 2, 2019
Totally agree, Arselle2
Please do not do this. I know that you're optimistic that things will work out and excited about getting married. I've been married 37 years, moved MIL into my home, It is no longer MY home but hers and her son's. She has broken, given away, moved, or thrown away more of my items than I can list. Usually I don't know about it until its too late to retrieve them. Are you ready to give up your life? Go no where unless she's with you? Forget having any friends, they will stop visiting, they will stop asking you to do things because they KNOW you can not leave MIL home alone and she will get to the point you will not want to take her to social gatherings because she has no stops anymore, will act and say very inappropriate things, making others around her embarrassed and uncomfortable. Don't forget a shopping trip to the mall means packing a diaper bag because she will be needing it. Public bathrooms are hard to clean them up, change depends, usually pants too. Bag the clothes up and seal in a ziploc, still smells, you're the one carrying the mess, literally. Special diets to adhere to. Constant negativity not just from MIL, but also from new husband because he doesn't have any fun anymore, YOU don't do enough for him or spend enough time with him. You are looking at 16 hour days, squeeze a shower in somewhere. All housework done? Meds set up? She's already physically attacking you, gonna get worse. You are nothing to her, only her son counts, you are unpaid, unappreciated, overworked and overwhelmed servant. Get your own apartment, pick up more hours at work or find one making more money. You DO NOT need nor want to do this, believe me, you really don't. If he loves you he will agree to mom getting home health care, HE can move from mom's house, go to couples counseling to help him understand that marriage for the sake of finding a caregiver for his mother is not a reason to get married. Does he have siblings you will need to deal with? Good luck there too if he does. You don't want to jump into this rabbit hole, like Alice in wonderland you will be attending the mad hatter's tea party for the rest of your life.
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Reply to Takincare
Tiger55 Aug 2, 2019
Well said: 'Takincare'. 👏
Sounds to me like this man is really "married" to his mom.  This is not a basis for healthy marriage but for acquiring an accessory to serve his household needs. I suspect we are talking "bigamy" here -  why not follow advice to move out, resume your work career and let the relationship develop and see where it is going.  Please don't be trapped into the "I must be married to be a worthwhile human being."  Marrying so you can say "I'm married..." Better off single.
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Reply to rovana
Monica19815 Jul 28, 2019
Excellent advice.
Crushed; I'm going to give this one more shot and then I'll go away.

You are 50. You are in your peak earning years. How many quarters of Social Security have you got? Have you calculated your PIA for ages 62 and for FRA? Do you qualify for SS (many teachers do not). What is your pension estimated to be?

Why are you cutting back on your hours at work if MIL has the funds to pay for care?

A trust that takes effect in 5 years? Why then? What if he dies tomorrow?

The trust will allow you and MIL to stay in the house? How will you pay for upkeep, utilities, food, and your current healthcare and future Medicare premiums?

Why are YOU paying for household bills?

I don't need the answers to these questions. But, my dear, YOU surely do.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Tiger55 Aug 2, 2019
Agree: Barb, bravo!
CL18, a post of yours from August sounds like you had a better understanding of this situation then...

Answered Aug 2, 2018
Screaming not acceptable. I feel like a monster - like I'm losing it. How do you cope?
I completely understand how you feel. It is best to turn around and walk away (easy to say; but, the best) My Mother in Law can be insulting and a bully. As a teacher, I have a great deal of patience; however, when she is sassing me and getting in my face I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel like I want yell. It takes a lot for me to be calm long enough to make sure I am safely away from her. When alone I feel like trembling jelly and want to just leave, never come back. I do love her and feel guilty when I feel myself losing my patience- which is my key to walk away. On one side I know this isn’t who she really is. But when someone is in my face and giving me a, sincerely, evil grin after trying to lock me outside or is grabbing my foot to get me to leave the house; I feel all my defenses brim over. I hope you are able to get some respite. It does help!! Best wishes!! Take care.

You NEED your job for your own future security. Your job provides you the ability to prepare for the years when you will be elderly. It provides an escape from the daily frustration of caring for MIL. It provides you the opportunity to build on a young person's character and experiences. What would you do without it?
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to gladimhere

Look at this without even considering what to do If he dies. If he dies, he won’t know what’s going on anyway. You’re already decreasing your work schedule to help care for her & can’t afford to pay bills. She is only going to get worse. If it’s hard now, think how much harder it’s only going to get. What if he is around for years & never wants her placed in a nursing facility? Are you prepared to completely quit your job or have WWIII with your fiancé/husband?

Now, If he does die, does he have a large life insurance policy to pay the bills? Because even if with all your heart you love her & want to care for her, you’re still going to need money for the things you need/want.

I’m sorry & I hate to sound rude, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy romance. Never marry thinking/hoping a situation/someone will improve. If you were my daughter/sister/friend, I would be begging you with tears in my eyes to break this off.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to mollymoose

"...Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills... "

I don't know how old you are, but it seems to me that YOUR priority should be to get a better education and then a better job. I might be dead wrong here but it seems to me you're in the situation you're in because he can provide a roof over your head and support you because you can't do it yourself. HIS priority is to get a free full time caregiver/servant for his mother for the rest of her life.

If he truly loves and cares about you, he'll make sure you will be taken cared of after he dies, not just let you clear out the clutter after 4 years of asking.

Since you don't have a good paying job now, ten years down the road or whenever you're done taking care of MIL, you will not have any marketable skills, thus no job and no money, maybe no place to live too.

Unless the prenup stipulates that you will be financially taken care of for life, that prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Everyone here is trying to shake you and make you see the danger of your situation, but you seem to be stuck on 'love.'
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to polarbear
lealonnie1 Jul 29, 2019
Yep. And sometimes love ain't enough. This seems to be one of those cases.
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