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Dad is now 92, has been mom's caregiver for many years. He suffered an accident 12 months ago which resulted in bringing in a part-time nursing aide to assist them in their day to day needs.
I could immediately see that dad and mom would benefit from assisted living. Last winter, after about 40 hours of searching, visiting and seeking out something that would work well for them, I targeted a CCRC community that would allow them to start in independent living and ease into assisted living. I put a deposit down, they passed all the assessments, and then at the 11th hour dad changed his mind and said he didn't want to go. That he didn't need to go into a place like that.
Over the past year, as he continues to gradually decline, I have had to take on more responsibilities, all financials and bills, groceries, doctor appts, upkeep of the condo, clothing, dealing with insurances, all the while pleading with him to consider assisted living.
I found the perfect place for dad and mom, and after much back and forth and arguing, dad actually said yes, due in part to a medical episode where mom collapsed (turns out it was low blood sugar) and he freaked out.
Well, we are again at the 11th hour, with a date set to take possession of the unit in just a few weeks, and yesterday dad changed his mind yet again and said he wasn't going to go, that he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.
I have had enough. Since dad insists that he is capable of caring for himself I temporarily terminated his nursing care, and will no longer be addressing his day to day needs, including a major issue with Verizon that will result in his phone being shut off in 2 weeks if not rectified. If he wants the nursing care, he will just have to make the arrangements himself.
My sister, who elected to move out of the area and across the country in the midst of all of this, has done very little up to this point, and I just told her that if she wants to deal with him she can, but I am done.
She seems appalled that I am doing this, but I am tired of enabling him. Am I wrong for resorting to such drastic "tough love" measures?

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Ummmm.

No, not wrong, not exactly. But I think it might be as well to flag up what's happening to APS.

You've every right to step back, the idea would be to make sure that when he falls flat on his face there is somebody ready to catch him. Ideally, he'll change his mind about AL right back again and nobody will get hurt in the process.

What about moving your mother, though? What's going to happen to her care needs during this catharsis?
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I don't think you were wrong, I think this should have been done the first time he backed out. He does not see or count all you do to keep them 'independent'. Contact APS as suggested above and let him deal with a few weeks of reality. The more you coddle, the more they will demand to be coddled.
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If you can lean on him to "do what's best for mom," maybe that's the way he'll say yes. If you point out that Mom needs more care, and she's going to get it with or without him, will he say yes then? You can also tell him that legal arrangements were made for the condo to be under new ownership, and he can't back out now without accruing legal fees.

But stepping completely away puts your mom at risk, and she seems to be an innocent party here.
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Novaman Nov 2022
We actually did take this “what’s best for mom” approach and it did work. But now I think my dads own personal wants and desires are over riding what’s best for mom.
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What is your MOTHER'S opinion of moving someplace nice and safe?
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You are 100% in the right. Old age is no excuse for stupidity.
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Not wrong. But be prepared for worse. I feel sorry for you and your mother.
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I'm all for Tough Love, but considering the fallout & nobody getting hurt, as CountryMouse said.

Yes Barb, what DOES Mother want? Side door opening there.. she goes.. he follows. (He can even hold his pride intact if need be "Oh the Mrs wanted to move").

As to Dad. If he has the old "I'll manage" line - it's a common cover up. Deciding you are still independent & actually BEING independent are two different things.

What's his personality? Does he need to hear he will still be the Man of the House? (In their smaller apartment). Can Captain & steer his own ship? Maybe slip him the old *make him think it was HIS idea..?*
"You made a great decision choosing that place Dad... " 😁 Plus reassurance. It will be OK. (He may be more worried than he lets on).
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Novaman Nov 2022
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately at this point mom does whatever dad wants. There is no way she will do anything without him. They are essentially joined at the hip.
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Is your father legally competent? Do you sign for him as POA? Do you have HCPOA?

When you first started looking at CCRCs, your parents could have started in independent living. Now they would be starting in AL, correct? Would that be enough for your mother?

I have no problem with tough love if your father is mentally competent.

Since your sister does nothing, consider making a contract so that you are paid for all of your time. That's what I did.
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Novaman Nov 2022
I have exercised power of attorney to handle all of his affairs, which is what he wanted because he recognized that he could no longer handle things. Unfortunately we never put into place medical POA’s for either my father nor my mother.

yes. When I first started looking at CCRC’s IL could have worked for my parents, especially they way the place had it set up, but now, nearly a year later, it makes more sense to just put them in AL although I bet they would still pass the assessment for independent living. As long as dad is around, mom can do just fine in AL. If dad was not around, she would likely have to move to memory care.

as far as the workload for mom and dad’s care being shouldered pretty much by myself, this has been a big bone of contention. I think my sis has deep seated issues in her relationship with mom and dad. When mom suffered her stroke 15 years ago, my sister suddenly disappeared, and after dad suffered his accident last year and it was clear that we were going to need to step up care, my sister suddenly announced that she and her family were going to move West.

I’ve been begging for help but Sis now claims that she simply doesn’t have the time to help because she is too busy working for a startup. This is in light of the fact that her husband is already retired and the 2 of them are quite wealthy and no longer need to work.
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I think what you have done will actually get him to realize how dependent upon you and others he really is.
Stay strong. Don't cave in. IF your mom is going to "suffer the consequences" of this decision then you might have to get real tough and tell dad that mom has to move to AL (or MC if that is appropriate for her). If that happens I bet as soon as he is by himself he will realize that he is better with her and in AL.
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Novaman, the reminds me my aunt and uncle. No matter she couldn't/wouldn't "go against" the wishes of her husband. Even when she fell and lay on the floor for 2 days because he didn't want to call 911.

There are some folks who can't be helped because of their stubborness/pride/mental issues.

If there is some way you can make this dad's idea to get mom good care, that might work.

Mostly, I would step back and let him realize he's not "independent".
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So, my father just got Covid. He's fine.

Anyways, I spent some time with him, did his property taxes but he has to sign the check. He decided he wanted to sign the check and could see fine (he's legally blind). I can't tell you how many times I've listened to whining that he can't see well enough to sign a check and I wasn't getting within 2-feet of him with 2 red lines on the test.

So, I have a health issue, seriously exacerbated by stress. Serious, might kill me some day, but probably not tomorrow, but my cancer risk, definitely elevated. So, the next day he calls me angry that I took the property taxes home, that he doesn't know where anything is, blah, blah, blah.

I lost it. We had this discussion 2 weeks ago. So, I gave him 3 options,

1. Keep doing what we're doing.
2. I'll find a bill paying service for him.
3. He can do it himself.

He whined, cried that I was being unfair, you name it, he played it.

Between my mother and him it's been almost 6-years now of the same thing. I have tons of stress in my job and I can't handle more. I can't even leave my job because he throws a fit when I talk about doing it. I am going to leave.

Caregiving is hard. I say it all the time, I have it easy compared to many, I have resources, a good job, and he's not in the throws of dementia, yet, I think.

Still, it's hard, even when it's easy.

PS: He'll never, not ever, not in a million years, willingly leave his home.
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Beatty Nov 2022
Eeerggh (big sigh)

Help me now! Stop helping me! Why aren't you helping me?!

Giving him 3 choices (on repeat). HE chooses. HIS consequences.

You got this!
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Have you sat him down and explained to him how much work it is to get into these places and when he changes his mind at the last minute it means you just wanted a lot of hard effort on your part. And that you can't keep doing this. They forget you have other obligations besides managing their lives. They don't realize that changing their minds completely derails everything you worked on for the past few months. Would he have any sympathy for that?
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Update- it only took 48 hours for my tactic to have an effect. Dad has once again agreed to go to assisted living. Let’s see if this sticks.
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againx100 Nov 2022
You have POA right? That gives you some amount of clout then. Are you signing the paperwork as POA? Or is dad signing? I signed everything for the AL my mom is moving into at the end of the month. I haven't told her yet (oh boy!) but she's going whether she likes it or not.

So, somehow, you need to MAKE it stick. They have to go! Kicking and screaming if necessary. Continue to do as little as possible for them at home so that it is uncomfortable for him, as long as it is not unsafe for either of them. But he needs to feel a little pain to get him to stop being so difficult. I know change is hard and all, but getting old is filled with crappy situations with less than ideal solutions.
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You did exactly the right thing. Keep doing the absolute bare minimum for the man until they're MOVED INTO AL, LOCK STOCK AND BARREL. And before moving day, let dad know he'll lose a LOT of $$$$ if he backs out again bc the facility has a rule.....3 strikes and the whole deposit gets forfeited. White lies are required to light the fire under this man's butt and get him moving in the right direction. Also play the guilt card and remind him this is for MOM'S SAKE more than his, and for her wellbeing, the move is required. His stalling tactics have hurt HER, and will now hurt his wallet if anymore monkey business transpires. You propping him up gives him the false illusion he's independent and in need of nuthin from nobody. The reality is, he's lost without you. Let him FEEL it. Or else he'll play this back and forth game until a crisis occurs, forcing a move for one of them into SKILLED NURSING and separating them. #Truth.

Stick to your guns and your tough love tactics BEFORE the crisis hits and the choices are taken away. Stubborn elders live to regret foolish wishy washy indecision ALL the time.

Good luck!
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You're not doing wrong. Your father needs some tough love and hopefully it will help the asinine stubbornness so many of our seniors have about still being totally independent when they're not. No good ever comes when family is supportive of their loved one's delusional behavior. No good ever comes from adult children covering everything for their elderly parents but allowing them to think that they're still perfectly capable and in charge.
Your sister who criticizes you yet conveniently moved across the country can move back here and handle your parents herself. If she's unwilling to and my guess is she will be, tell her to go pound sand.
Even though you're totally doing the right thing in all likelihood something bad is going to have to happen for your parents to see reason and move to the AL. Let the phone get shut off. Let the bills become a mess. This may be enough for them to move and I hope it is.
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