I am living with my grandmother and grandfather. My grandmother is experiencing some memory issues and possibly some early onset dementia. My other family is trying to control what she does and when and I think they have decent intentions (most of them anyway). But they aren’t going about it the right way. She wants to drive and they say she can’t and just say it and I suggested having the doctor assess her and see what he says and that resulted in my aunt blocking my number and blocking me on Facebook. My gram said she wanted friends and I suggested going to activities with a local agency that has them for seniors and can also provide transportation if needed. It goes through the insurance. My family seems to be against it. My pap tells my gram that if she does that that he is going to kick her and me out of the house. My gram is constantly anxious and worked up about these things and they argue constantly. Her kids are trying to help but I’m finding that they tend to side with my grandfather. Especially with my living here. And the only logical answer to why they have such an issue with me living here is that they want to throw her in a nursing home and be done with it and I am in their way of doing that. My goal is to get her a care taker if she needs, get her some independence back, and help her to be involved in different activities as well as letting her go somewhere if she can’t drive but wants to get out. Please help. Any advice is welcomed and anything tips and tricks are too. Am I in the wrong for wanting to help her like how I want to?
lastly I didn’t come here for others to make me feel bad for trying to help but it seems this may be a more judgey environment than what I was expecting. This was my first and only post. Blessed be all.
Please don't write off this forum. Your position is really quite difficult, and I am sure that everyone who posted, wishes you all the best in helping your grandmother. Best wishes, Margaret
Who made the dementia diagnosis? Do you accompany her to doc appointments? Who does?
"My other family is trying to control what she does and when and I think they have decent intentions (most of them anyway). But they aren’t going about it the right way."
Why do you think your way is the right way? Do you have medical/professional/ caregiving experience?
"She wants to drive and they say she can’t and just say it and I suggested having the doctor assess her and see what he says and that resulted in my aunt blocking my number and blocking me on Facebook. "
Does your Aunt live in the home? Is she grandma's child?
"My gram said she wanted friends and I suggested going to activities with a local agency that has them for seniors and can also provide transportation if needed. It goes through the insurance. My family seems to be against it. My pap tells my gram that if she does that that he is going to kick her and me out of the house. "
Does your grandfather also have mental health/cognitive challenges?
"My gram is constantly anxious and worked up about these things and they argue constantly. "
Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?
"Her kids are trying to help but I’m finding that they tend to side with my grandfather. Especially with my living here. And the only logical answer to why they have such an issue with me living here is that they want to throw her in a nursing home and be done with it and I am in their way of doing that".
That is quite a leap of logic. Why are you living there? How does that prevent NH or Memory Care admission?
"My goal is to get her a care taker if she needs, get her some independence back, and help her to be involved in different activities."
How will the caretaker be paid? What kind of activities and socialization do you envision can happen in her home?
Who has Power of attorney?
I have a degree in human services and a minor in criminal justice. So yeah I do have a lot of experience in the helping field. I’m not saying my view is the best but I don’t think making her feel shame and guilt is the right way from the helping side of things. While I was never a caregiver, I do have experience helping people and helping them reach their own goals.
No my aunt is not her child. It’s her sons wife. And no she does not live in the home.
I’m sure he does but he won’t admit it but he’s I’ve seen some declines in him as well.
No, not to my knowledge but then again the rest of the family does not seem like they want to involve me.
I’m living here because when I was 18 I moved out of my dads house since there was emotional abuse. And my gram and pap both agreed to let me live with them. Then I had my own apartment but moved back home to save money because rent was wasting it. Again, they both agreed. And now I’m still here because I recently lost my job and am looking for others. I apply to several every day. I don’t know why they are seeing me here as an obstacle other than what I mentioned.
i have not looked into the cost of a care taker yet but there is a local agency that she could go to for activities throughout the day and they do provide transportation and most of it if not all runs through her insurance. I plan to stop to talk to them in person this week.
She does not have a power of attorney at the moment but she did ask me to be it. However, as you can imagine I don’t see that going well with others in the family.
Strong motivations often involve either money or religion – or both. Would it help you to get a counseling session yourself, to get a clearer understanding of where you all stand?
i live here because my pap and gram agreed to let me move back home. That is why I’m here. And now my gram begs me not to leave and also I am looking for a job and apply to several daily.
i have a therapist that I see weekly.
Your goals differ from the rest of your family member's goals, obviously. You're all on different wavelengths and that's going to cause lots of chaos for all concerned. Any elder with dementia should NOT be driving, period, regardless of anyone's 'opinion' on the matter, which should not be open for discussion. Someone has to have the final say on your grandmother's care, and the old saying, "Too many cooks spoil the broth" is apropos on this situation, don't you think?
A family meeting should be called where decisions are made, once and for all, as to the care and management of grandma, who gets POA to make the decisions on her behalf, and then everyone else has to bow out.
Wishing you good luck as you agree to let the chips fall where they may in this matter.
i agree a family meeting would be best but they don’t seem to be open to that.
and she doesn’t have an power of attorney right now.
Your Grandmother is living with your Father.
That means that in some ways you are each/both dependent on your father. If you wish to be independent you should move out.
HOWEVER, if you are encouraging your Grandmother to move and be independent and do as YOU suggest or as SHE wishes, are you willing to support her in her already mental deteriorating state?????
You are young. You need to be starting on your own life, your own job, your own independence, your own place to live, your own friends. That you love and wish to support your Gram is absolutely admirable, and all too rare in this day and age,.
BUT, you need to know that by causing dissension in the household you are endangering your Gram's place to live. And eventually your Gram will likely NEED placement and the loving visits of all.
As to driving, most seniors, my dearly loved and departed bro included, the way they accept that they should no longer be driving is to have a serious injury. Your Gram, if she is having signs of early dementia, likely should NOT be driving. Her response times would be critical. If she DOES intend to drive she should--you are correct--get a full testing workup and then go to the driving authorities for testing there of her vision and of her driving by a driver's test.
Best out to you. You are very loving, but it is time for you to move on to your own independence. Your gram has lived her life and this is the time for you to live yours. That would be my advice, but you must do things as you see best fit for you in your own life.
If you want to help grandma, help grandpa.
Maybe get grandpa to go to the Senior center with grandma so they can bot have a bit of a break. Most areas have Senior Centers that residents can go for free while some programs may require a fee many do not. While there it is possible that someone may talk to grandpa about getting grandma involved in a Day Program.
Many Spouses are reluctant to allow others to help because they think they should be able to do it all themselves. And it is VERY difficult for some people to ask for help and even harder to get them to accept help.