Good morning,
I am new to the Forum. I've been caring for dad. Doctors appointments, hospital visits, preparing food, running errands etc. I have a full time job, kids and a husband. He has 4 other kids that DO NOT help, not because they cant, he doesn't ask! My blood pressure is taking a toll on me. I take my pills everyday and its still high! I currently have a doctors appointment on tomorrow to check on it. My pressure this morning was 172/123. Anyway, I have been ignoring his CONSTANT calls, keep in mind that it isn't an emergency! I tell him that I do not feel well and that he has to call and ask someone else for help. That doesn't work! I told him I was tired from last week and he said that it wasn't from him!!! Really! I was running around the city for him all that week plus I had the little ones to tend to once I arrived home. My question to you guys is, what would you do? Am I being selfish for ignoring the calls?
What did your doctor say when you went to your appointment?
How are you today?
If hes anything like my Dad he wont care about you're health. All he'll care is whether you're "fit to serve him". Honestly, its an eye opener when you realise.
It is likely he will not care about you, you're family or anyone else. With my Dad its obvious his problems are priortiy 1 whereas everything else is priority 10.
In the past Dad has said to me "you look tired" Yes Dad I am.
"You need to slow down a bit and stop running around for everyone". What?
I'd just done his grocery shopping, driven hour round trip to deliver to him, then rushing home to look after 6 years old so wife could go to work.
Translated "Save all you're energy for me"
MANY times I've unplugged the phone, blocked him, blocked the hospital from calling (another of many fake admissions).
Maybe u can make a big chart for Dad and say "this is why I can no longer do for you".
Because, dad, my blood pressure is going to kill me, literally, and then what?
Do it. Tell him what he should have been told a while ago. Enough is enough. Take care of YOU, you owe that to your husband and kids!!!
Take care.
You need to talk to ur siblings. Tell them u understand where they are coming from but you can't do it all and ur B/P is proof. If they can't/won't help then Dad needs to hire someone.
Dad should be able to get a bowl of cereal and make toast for breakfast. He can make a sandwich for lunch. Dinner would be the big thing. Maybe u can find an homecare aid who can come in a few hrs a day. Can do some cleaning, laundry. Then prepare dinner. Maybe make up some Tuna fish for next day lunch. Take him to appts.
There is meal on wheels. Dad can use a Senior bus to go shopping and to appts. Call Office of Aging in your County and see what resources are available for Dad.
Or your husband can talk to Dad. Man to man. He can tell him that his demands are effecting ur health, making it hard for you to work, care for the kids and do what needs to be done in your home. If he can't get his other children to help he is going to need to hire someone. Because his wife is no longer doing it.
Figure out what you can do for him, like the one day a week. tell him and let the rest go. You don't have to answer every phone call from him either. I am glad you are ignoring some calls. Good for you!!!
If your dad doesn’t ask siblings to help they feel like everything is okay. They may not realize more is needed if they aren’t told or have their own reasons for not pitching in.
Can your dad get assistance from Council on Aging? Can her hire someone to help?
Take your life back. You deserve to have good health. You need time for you and your family. Step away. He will figure it out. Or look into an assisted ted living facility for him.
I'd also suggest you start charging him for what you do for him. $20/hour. That's what I did.
No, you are not selfish.
Your Dad has been playing on your sympathy.
Selling you a bill of goods.
Is he a narcissist?
You asked what we would do?
I would take myself and my high b/p reading to urgent care today,
not wait until tomorrow. Or call to report the b/p to the doctor now, before tomorrow's appointment. Maybe a sibling could drive you, or take care of your children?
Yes hes an extreme narcissist!
Not that I'm qualified to say but I don't think even the most annoying parent could put your blood pressure up to 172 so I assume there is some underlying problem - this makes it more important, not less, that somebody else gets involved in supporting your father. Is anyone in the family aware of your state of health?
Yes, I have called them. They will help some. They think he is really annoying and bothersome. So they don't help like they should.
What are your father's actual needs? Have they been assessed professionally either by his physician, by a social worker or by the local Area Agency on Aging?
Or do you just accept what he tells you as what he needs?
You are going to die (no, really, die, in the service of your dad's "needs" if you dont set some boundaries in place.
Get an assessment. Then decide what you can and can't do. It's okay to say "no, I cant possibly do that".
Stick with us!
Dad gets around pretty good. He just needs food prep and taking him to runs errands. He walks on a walker by himself. And i just accept what he tells me he needs.
It is no good if you stop doing and then think about only Dad, while you are stroke material.
Sit down right now.
Take about 3 deep breaths, slowly.
Stop doing. Stop doing anything.
Just sit or lie down.
Take your b/p again in one hour.
You are on overload and breaking down, your BP is a warning signal...please heed it.
Look into some home care for him and set your boundaries. If necessary block his # when he starts his speed dialing to you, you can unblock when you are ready.
Your first responsibility is to your minor children and husband, not him.
I wish you the best!