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Good morning,


I am new to the Forum. I've been caring for dad. Doctors appointments, hospital visits, preparing food, running errands etc. I have a full time job, kids and a husband. He has 4 other kids that DO NOT help, not because they cant, he doesn't ask! My blood pressure is taking a toll on me. I take my pills everyday and its still high! I currently have a doctors appointment on tomorrow to check on it. My pressure this morning was 172/123. Anyway, I have been ignoring his CONSTANT calls, keep in mind that it isn't an emergency! I tell him that I do not feel well and that he has to call and ask someone else for help. That doesn't work! I told him I was tired from last week and he said that it wasn't from him!!! Really! I was running around the city for him all that week plus I had the little ones to tend to once I arrived home. My question to you guys is, what would you do? Am I being selfish for ignoring the calls?

AK, sit back for a minute. Please.

What are your father's actual needs? Have they been assessed professionally either by his physician, by a social worker or by the local Area Agency on Aging?

Or do you just accept what he tells you as what he needs?

You are going to die (no, really, die, in the service of your dad's "needs" if you dont set some boundaries in place.

Get an assessment. Then decide what you can and can't do. It's okay to say "no, I cant possibly do that".

Stick with us!
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Hi BarbBrooklyn,

Dad gets around pretty good. He just needs food prep and taking him to runs errands. He walks on a walker by himself. And i just accept what he tells me he needs.
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No you are not being selfish, enough is enough already. Have you read up on boundaries and their purpose? There are many good books on Amazon that I would encourage you to read.

You are on overload and breaking down, your BP is a warning signal...please heed it.

Look into some home care for him and set your boundaries. If necessary block his # when he starts his speed dialing to you, you can unblock when you are ready.

Your first responsibility is to your minor children and husband, not him.

I wish you the best!
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Thanks DollyMe. I started to block the number but I thought I was being selfish. I will look at the books on Amazon. I love to read!
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If you just want to set limits then I would tell him that only have one day each week that is going to be dedicated to him, the rest of your time needs to be given to your family (and yourself!). So he needs xyz. "Put it on a list dad and I'll pick it up next Tuesday". Repeat, repeat, repeat until he gets the message. If he wants/needs anything that badly that he can't wait then maybe he'll just have to look elsewhere, and maybe he'll learn that your world doesn't revolve around him.
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Just think of it this way: if (God forbid) you die from high blood pressure, who THEN is going to be jumping thru these fiery hoops for dad? Obviously not you. So, no, you are not being selfish to let his calls go to voicemail. Or to tell your siblings it's their turn to help dad. Or to tell dad it's time to place himself into either Assisted Living or a similar situation where he can get help for himself that he apparently needs. Or he can call an Agency to hire a caregiver for a few hours a day to get the help he needs.

Because, dad, my blood pressure is going to kill me, literally, and then what?

Do it. Tell him what he should have been told a while ago. Enough is enough. Take care of YOU, you owe that to your husband and kids!!!

Take care.
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Thank you so much.
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Call forward your phone to the next sibling in line. Someone will figure out you are done.
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JoAnn29 Feb 10, 2020
What a good idea.
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Have you tried calling your siblings yourself? I see from your profile that your father has cancer; and you say he doesn't like to ask his four other children for help. So... what is their take on his health and any support he needs?

Not that I'm qualified to say but I don't think even the most annoying parent could put your blood pressure up to 172 so I assume there is some underlying problem - this makes it more important, not less, that somebody else gets involved in supporting your father. Is anyone in the family aware of your state of health?
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Hi Countrymouse,

Yes, I have called them. They will help some. They think he is really annoying and bothersome. So they don't help like they should.
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Yes, you are doing too much.
No, you are not selfish.

Your Dad has been playing on your sympathy.
Selling you a bill of goods.
Is he a narcissist?

You asked what we would do?

I would take myself and my high b/p reading to urgent care today,
not wait until tomorrow. Or call to report the b/p to the doctor now, before tomorrow's appointment. Maybe a sibling could drive you, or take care of your children?
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Hi Sendhelp,

Yes hes an extreme narcissist!
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Definitely not selfish. You need to set some boundaries and not mind when he grumbles about you. Look after yourself. That BP is too high

Figure out what you can do for him, like the one day a week. tell him and let the rest go. You don't have to answer every phone call from him either. I am glad you are ignoring some calls. Good for you!!!
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Thanks you so much for your response.
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Have your Dr. write Dad a note. "Your daughter's B/P is extremely high. I find this is caused by her having too much on her plate"

You need to talk to ur siblings. Tell them u understand where they are coming from but you can't do it all and ur B/P is proof. If they can't/won't help then Dad needs to hire someone.

Dad should be able to get a bowl of cereal and make toast for breakfast. He can make a sandwich for lunch. Dinner would be the big thing. Maybe u can find an homecare aid who can come in a few hrs a day. Can do some cleaning, laundry. Then prepare dinner. Maybe make up some Tuna fish for next day lunch. Take him to appts.

There is meal on wheels. Dad can use a Senior bus to go shopping and to appts. Call Office of Aging in your County and see what resources are available for Dad.

Or your husband can talk to Dad. Man to man. He can tell him that his demands are effecting ur health, making it hard for you to work, care for the kids and do what needs to be done in your home. If he can't get his other children to help he is going to need to hire someone. Because his wife is no longer doing it.
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akvaughn40 Feb 10, 2020
Thank you so much for your response.
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You need to speak with your family and tell them you cannot continue this, and that it is because of your health and blood pressure. Then you don't do it. Period. There is none of this "he won't accept it and it won't work". He has no choice. You do not ignore calls. You tell him "NO. Sorry". He may need to go into care before he kills you. Is it selfish to wish to live, and to live a decent life? No. Of course not. You need to act in your own behalf. If you have a stroke you are of no use to ANYONE, and everything will be taken care of by others, but you won't be around to enjoy it.
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akvaughn40 Feb 11, 2020
Thank you!
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