Am I being unreasonable?

Update: After the last visit in December, she didn’t stay with us again for awhile. Fast forward to Spring break. We decided to take the children to the beach because we haven’t been in over 2 years and our Autistic kids generally do well on a beach vacation because they like to swim. So we book a condo and start prepping to go and then about a week before we leave, his mom complains she isnt feeling well. She’s scared to be alone while we are gone. She’s crying. So my husband decided we would just take her with us. I told him absolutely not. This is our family vacation and I didn’t want her tagging along again. He can’t see she tries to manipulate him into going on vacation with us every year since her boyfriend died. Then she will tell all of her friends how her son is so good to her, he takes her on vacation. Well this time I said no way. If you are so worried about her take her to the doctor. So my husband took her to the doctor to see if she had something wrong with her that needed urgent attention and the doctor didnt find anything wrong with her but the usual. He even said it seems like it’s all in her head. So we asked her niece to come over to her house and check on her while we are gone and went on vacation. She called and called and called. If I didn’t answer my phone she would call his. Or even my oldest daughter’s phone. She got on my nerves. Complaining that her niece can’t cook. Complaining she wishes she can be on vacation too. I was sick of her. I’m so glad I put my foot down this time. My husband will just have to get over it. She doesn’t have to go on vacation with us just because she’s old.

FUW - Glad to hear MIL lost her battle to drag out her stay and finally went home.

I am curious as to your husband's attitude to his mom moving in. Is he still thinking it's a good idea?

This another example of one spouse not understanding that his/her priority should be his/her immediate family, spouse and children. Bringing an elderly parent into their home, requires a conjoint agreement. Otherwise, it's a rude imposition. You have the right to refuse.

I don't know if I could do it. My MIL just recently moved in with us, but our situation is totally different. For one, she is 94 years old and recently fractured her hip. We have one kid still at home, but he's 19 and about to go to college. My husband does most of the meal fixing and tea bringing, but I help her with showers (no problem because she's 110 pounds tops). I can't imaging doing everything, especially with younger children at home with special needs. I'll be honest and forgive me if I'm out of line, but it would also bother me that she is in that condition due to choices she has made in life, yet he's expecting you to alter your life (and have a stranger come into your house) to care for her when he's gone a lot.

Please tell us she went home.

Do not allow this.

Your husband has no right to impose on you the care of his elderly mother. You got to stop the problem before it begins.

Is your husband waiting on her? Or are you doing all the work?

What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...

Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.

So MIL came to visit on Christmas Eve for 2 days and then she decided to stay one more day so now she’s leaving Monday morning. I have to admit I’m ready for her to go home. She suddenly doesn’t want to lift a finger. She doesn’t want to use her walker to walk around the house so what’s the point of bringing it? She expected me to stay home with her instead of going to see the Christmas lights with my own family. I left with my husband and kids anyways. I wasn’t staying home with her. She doesn’t attempt to even get a bottled water from the fridge herself. She expects one of us to do it. She expects us to make her dinner plates all day and take it to her while she sits around does nothing. She isn’t at a hotel. I’m just ready for her to go home.

Fedupwife45, I get it, your husband wants to take care of his mother. I came from a long line of you take care of family in your home until the last resort. it's more of an inbred obligation. Thankfully your MIL wants to stay in her home, let her. You have your hands full with spectrum children. Work it out together. I brought my SIL in with brain cancer at my wife's request with no question. I brought my father in at my mother's request then his. His was due to my mom passed and he did not have the finances to live on his own. My siblings are MIA.
Talk to each other, understand his closeness to her but remember that you both have 4 others to worry about. If you have to have counseling to talk about it that may be a good start.
You are doing the right thing to not have her move in, It may seem like the right thing but with what her ailments are she will at some point maybe soon, need professional assistance.
Keep your home for you, trust me, I know!

Busybody relatives love to stick their “well meaning” noses into other people’s lives.

Here’s an angle that may work using these relatives to your advantage.

When you talk to them, tell them how difficult the last visit was. Tell them how unhappy you were that MIL did this and that, inviting her friends, feeding unhealthy food to your kids, abusing the dog, etc. They will think you’re a bad DIL, but that’s a good thing. Wear that “bad DIL” badge proudly. Spread your reputation as a difficult DIL no MIL can live with peacefully. That will give them some things to gossip about which will sure get to MIL’s ears. And that’s a good thing too because it will discourage her from thinking that your house is a nice home to move into.

On another angle, occasionally remind your husband of the last MIL visit and how you don’t ever want a repeat of that.

So if you have been following along, you would know that my mother In law has chosen not to move in with us after all, which is good. However, My oldest daughter told me she heard my MIL talking on the phone when she over spending the night talking to her sister and cousins on speaker phone. They asked if she’s still moving in with her son because her house is old and falling apart and we have a nice big house and she needs to move in with us. Really? Its none of their business where she lives. None of them have opened their homes to her. None of them are living with their children. I just feel like if they put the idea back in her head, she’s going to change her mind and want to move in.

"I told him there is no way she’s living with us permanently. I’m not allowing it."

Yes, yes, yes!

I can hear the power in your voice. You own the house and you allow who comes and who stays. You are the mother and you raise your kids your way.

While MIL was a visitor, she acted like she was the queen of the house by inviting her guests over, opening your mail, ignoring your rules about unhealthy food for your kids, putting your dog outside, etc.

Imagine if she was a permanent resident of your house, what else would she do? Everything she has done and worse. She would get into everything you, your husband and your kids do, she would try to run your lives, would try to get rid of the dog. Everyone would have to live under her rules. You and your husband would have no privacy, and would argue constantly over her, until you get so fed up and decide you would not want to live like this anymore. Shuder, shuder...

I am glad your husband agreed to take his mom home. Hope he'll remember how awful those 2 weeks were and not to repeat them again.

Update: MIL did come for a 2 week visit and it was not something I want to do again. Half of the kids were in quarantine at the time due to COVID exposure at school. She kept going to the store buying candy, soda and potato chips to share with them. We live a healthy lifestyle. We do not give junk food to the children on a regular basis. That caused conflict. My husband worked as usual. If I didn’t cook what she wanted she would cook unhealthy food or go get fast food for herself and our kids. I didnt like that. I told her we limit fast food and she said I’m only going to be a grandma once. My son ate it and he’s fine. That pissed me off. She calls extended family over to bring unhealthy food. She calls her sister over to bring cakes and pies and she’s a diabetic. She doesn’t like our dog and would put him outside and he’s not an outside dog and she’s nosey. She opened some our mail and 2 of my packages. I overheard her on the phone telling somebody she can’t spoil the kids the way she wants to because of me. We got into an argument over the youngest kids. I became so frustrated I told my husband she has got to go. She can’t stay another week. He agreed and he took her home and Im glad. I told him there is no way she’s living with us permanently. I’m not allowing it.

Take a girls' trip during the ''visit'' and let him deal with her care. Don't return until she's gone. Mommy's Boys are the worst.

Great to hear that MIL not moving in !

If your mother is fully vaccinated, the chances are that she won’t be ‘super sick’. Here virtually no-one that’s vaccinated has ended up in hospital, let alone in ICU, from a second Delta infection. If she is in quarantine for 14 days, get her to say her bit at the end of it. If she has recovered fully from a mild infection and feels OK at the end of quarantine, there is no new need for her to change her preference to stay in her home (or go to AL). It’s just the same issue as before, and unfortunately you will have to go through it again with your husband as well as your MIL. He just can’t take being wrong, can he?

If you can’t stop your husband from bringing his mom into your house, my suggestion is that demand your husband to take off work and care for his mother during her ‘extended’ visit . You will do no more than what you’re doing now. No entertaining her, taking her out, making special food, doing her laundry, cleaning her room, serving her meals, sorting her meds, taking her to doctors, etc.

Your husband will need to do everything that his mom needs as long as she’s there. That might encourage him to cut the visit short.

Looks like your husband is hell bent on getting his mother to move into your house and will never stop until this happens. He will badger his mother until eventually she relents. More than likely it will because of a health issue or crisis he can use to get you to agree. Once he moves her in she will be there until she passes. And if you have read other posts that can be a decade or more. You must not give into his unreasonable demand. Stay strong. This is going to be an uphill battle for you and has the potential to damage your relationship with him. Not your fault if that happens. It will be fully on him.

Update: So my Mother in law has contracted COVID now and yes she has had her vaccines back in April. So I guess it’s a break through infection but she isn’t super sick though and she doesn’t need to be hospitalized but hubby is freaking out big time. He doesn’t want her to be alone but she told us she’s fine. He wants her to come for an extended “visit” once quarantine is over and stay a few days but I’m concerned a few days will turn into forever.

FedUpWife

Have you seen this post? Your husband should read it, too.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-so-stressed-out-with-my-mother-in-law-living-with-us-i-dont-know-how-i-should-handle-this-anymore-468687.htm?orderby=recent

FedUpWife - your husband obviously loves and cares for his mother. But I was taken back by your comment "my husband was crushed she didn’t want to move in with us" because you previously mentioned he had said perhaps he had not thought things through about having his mom moving in. I thought he had learned something from reading what we wrote here. Obviously not.

He thinks that the only way his mother can be cared for is under his roof, his way. If MIL had said yes, he was going to ram the caregiving job down your throat whether you like it or not. I stand by my first recommendation that you two need marital counseling. The general rule in a marriage is that when it comes to big decisions, both spouses have to be in agreement to do something or it doesn't happen, the NO vote wins. In this case, you don't even have a vote. However, I am glad that you two get along great in all other aspects.

I share your concern that this issue is going to come up again in the future when MIL can no longer speak up for herself, or changes her mind.

MIL is a gem. She cares for you and thinks of how difficult it will be for you having to take on her care. I've been on this forum for about 3-4 years now, and I don't remember reading about a senior accepts going to a nursing home willingly. It's always the opposite. The elderly fight tooth and nail against going to a facility, even Assisted Living. That's why sp196090 was surprised by MIL's decision.

For now, see if MIL would be willing to put her wishes down on paper in the form of living will or advance directives. I wish you and your family well.

SP, for this particular MIL the really hard conversation was how to say thank-you-but-no-thank-you to her extremely overbearing son. She's done it! Give the woman some credit.

Update: We sat down with my MIL and she told us she would rather stay in her own home because it’s small and she can navigate it easier. Our home is too large and too far away for her liking. So she is NOT moving in. She also said when she gets to the point that she can not get around she wants to check into a nursing home. She said I have my hands full with the children and she doesn’t want to be a burden on me. She only asks that we visit her and don’t forget she’s in there. So it seems like she has been on my side all of this time. Of course my husband was crushed she didn’t want to move in with us but she doesn’t have dementia and she knows what she wants. My only concern is her moving in is going to come up again at some point in the future especially if she’s unable to say no.

wow, ouch
you already do so much, you are a saint and I understand doing it for the love of your own children.

Your in law is only 75 years old. She is too young to be in care, and if she does need help then it should be found for her while in her own home. I am assuming she is not living on the streets and has her own residence?

If she needs companionship I'm sure you do not have the time nor energy. She should join a community.

I think perhaps your husband is making a decision based on emotions and is not thinking straight, but if you both talk about it more, without the emotional side and more on a practical level, I'm sure he will come to his senses.

I personally could not do it, your plate is not just full, but it's spilling.

It would be too big of a disruption for you and your children.

I am going to be honest and hope you do not do this, but at the same time find a good situation for her, and I hope everyone involved can come to a decision that works for everyone, because it has to work for everyone, that means you too.

btw: what cultural aspect is there? I missed reading that.

The consensus here seems to be moving MIL in is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it seems unanimous. I agree.

I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.

It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."

The 'culture' angle comes up where I live ALL the time, with newer arrivals saying 'in our country, we look after our own'. We did here too. But life changed...

I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!

Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??

The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.

H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!

Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.

PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.

FedUpWife - when you have your family meeting, remember we're behind you to give you our support.

I am so very glad to hear your husband is rethinking his plan and being open to hearing and seeing things from our real life caregiving experiences. I am also glad he was able to look past the negative tone and comments we made about him, to see our advice. He's a very generous guy in my book. And we said all those things because we wanted to defend you.

I hope you, too, can overlook JennaRose's one comment that you didn't like. All her other comments were in support of you. JennaRose is a very gracious lady and it shows in her apology to you.

I hope after the family meeting, you and your husband will come out as one united team working together to find the best solution for everyone: you, him, your children, and MIL.

As for coming from a different culture, my husband wasn't born in the US either. In his culture, elders live with their family. In fact, his grandma lived with her 2nd husband and youngest daughter who took care of her for many years until she died (of Alzheimer's.) Her daughter sacrificed her life. She didn't date and never married (no time and energy.) Taking care of her mother (my husband's grandmother) basically consumed her life. Now that her mother passed away, she's way beyond child bearing age. She can date, but at her age now, there are fewer prospects. That was the price she paid for adhering to her culture.

Typically, when a poster asks a question, s/he shares the pertinent information, including culture if it's important. Sometimes, we ask about the cultural background the poster comes from if it seems relevant. If not shared, then we typically don't go ask.

Best wishes to you FedUpWife.

Exactly Barb!

As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.

My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.

I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.

FedUp, I understand your and your husband's committment to your marriage. I suggested visiting a marital lawyer so that you could ascertain your financial standing.

Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.

"We take care of our own"

"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"

"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."

"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".

So, which of those is true?

I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.