My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
I'm 100% certain that you will be doing the overwhelming majority of caregiving for her. If she moves in, you should move out.
Always beware the Mommy's Boys. There's a reason Norman Bates was single.
Well, now [smiling sweetly].
In the wonderful world of social care, we don't care what DH wants. Not if it conflicts with what the client (MIL, in this case) wants. Your DH may be overbearing, he may currently be filled with crusading zeal about keeping your MIL safely confined in his comfortable converted home-office where she will be waited on hand and foot (by you, ha!), he may be refusing to listen to anyone, but reality will do its thing and intrude. MIL, especially if supported by you, other family members and (if need be) health and social care professionals, makes the decisions here. Not your husband.
So can we return to this key question: when you talk to MIL, what does SHE want? Ignore your husband for a moment and let's get to the heart of the matter.
When my Grandmother was falling & needed more help at home - what she wanted was to be fit & young again! Sadly that did not happen.. She wanted to stay home but no home care really existed then. Family was next choice, but joining other households with school age children & all that goes with it was not right.
What she WANTED was her own space & not to be a burden on family. Plus what she needed was intermittent help.
So the dreaded AL became a choice she wanted afterall.
I am curious -- what is your H's typical schedule for out-of-town travel? He's gone about how many nights a week? Month?
Even if you got a job, you would come home and then have a lot of work to do, with extra because of MIL. Does your MIL drive herself places? What exactly can't she do for herself?
Your H doesn't realize that he would be killing his mother if he doesn't force the issue and get her into a facility that would monitor her meals. What kind of cooking does she do? Is it unhealthy? Does she buy junk food?
This situation is absolutely awful for you and your children. What are your thoughts after reading the responses here? Can you see the possibility of having to leave your H?
The nights that aspie does not sleep, the meltdowns, the destructive behaviors, the smeared feces on the walls, the eloping, ghosting-not all aspies are the same, it varies. But requires 24/7 supervision of some sort, overall.
Can you also reach out to your Autism community for support on what to do?
Unless hubby is hiring people to cover mom 24/7 and a cook and housecleaner - there is no way this should happen.
Has your husband never seen an AL facility. I suggest that you take him and tour a couple of them to see what they offer. They are not your "grandma's nursing home". Some of them are very nice. If you choose the right one there will be no "institutional meals"; she will have people her age to associate with, activities to participate in and is staffed 24/7 to assist your MIL. Your husband can still caregive by advocating for her needs and when you visit you will visit as her children - not as caregivers.
You and he need marital counseling.
Edit to add;
Perhaps, it's his desire to protect his mother, but he forgets as a husband and a father, his first duty is to protect his wife and children.
I found when knee-jerk reactions to leap in to help or fix other's problems happened to my DH or myself, we were definately in the FOG - could not see the situation clearly. Operating under Fear (who else can do it?) Obligation (family takes care of family) & Guilt (it would be selfish not to).
I've found common sense is the cure. More thinking, less emotion - helps me to see things clearer. Make better rational decisions.
One example was a family member volunteered o help, but quickly got overwhelmed. Then told others to help too (not ASK btw). I actually heard all 3 FOG being used - for manipulation, especially a very thick layer of guilt. Got me thinking...
We said no. Got But but but. But no-one else. But family. But it would be selfish. Why did she volunteer we asked? Because she wanted to be the BEST ever helper. Actually what she was trying to do was delegate the grunge work to others... but APPEAR to be the BEST ever helper. Wow. So by holding a mirror up, that word *selfish* was reflected back to sender. It was quite a different picture. It showed;
The volunteer helper was motivated to help to meet their own needs - to feel good about themselves. They cared not who did the job, but wanted the recognition.
It wasn't evil. Just naive. I've forgiven. But I do remember & have learned to be careful.
Helping can be great, for both sides, but there healthier ways to do than manipulation.
May 18, 2021
Am I being unreasonable not wanting my mother in law to move in with us?
Elise - there are so many things many of us didn't know until we moved our parents in and found out the hard way, and that it was too late to move them out.
It's easy to move your MIL in but it will be almost impossible to move her out. It will feel like you are kicking her out when she needs so much help.
Here are a few things that some of us have to deal with:
--MIL now shares the house and starts criticizing the way DIL cooks, manages house, the kitchen, disciplines the kids, all while the husband does nothing about it, or sides with his mother.
--The parent takes over the living room and the TV all day all night and won't give the couple any privacy. If the parent has hearing loss, the TV will be on full blast.
--The parent takes over the conversation at every meal and wants to be the center of attention.
--The parent will demand to be included in all the social activities and be brought along, and will get angry if left at home.
--The MIL now sees her son's house as hers, and the wife becomes the outsider or the third wheel.
Since your MIL has mobility issues, here are some issues you might have to deal with:
--MIL will fall, even if you're standing next to her. Can you pick her up? How's that back of yours?
--MIL might need help with personal hygiene. Who's going to help bathe her and dress her? Who's going to help her with #1 and #2? Who's going to clean up bathroom messes when she has accidents? Who's going to pick up and launder her soiled clothes? If she uses a bedside commode (since she can barely walks), who's going to dump out the bucket and clean it daily?
--Eventually in a few years, she will become incontinent. Who's going to do diaper duties? And clean her nether regions?
--If she has other health problems, who's going to transport her to doctor appointments, and help her in and out of the car?
--Since she's still driving and shouldn't, who's going to tell her she has to stop driving before she kills someone? This issue is a big one for many people because the elder is so stubborn and won't give up the keys.
One other thing, not only you can't go on vacations, you won't have much (if any) of a social life either. Friends will move on. You will feel isolated and stuck.
Your MIL may not have any of the issues I mentioned above, but that will change. Her needs will get more and more. Your husband is clueless as to what is waiting in store for you all, especially you Elise.
Some of us made the mistake of moving our in-laws in, and found out we have become a 24/7 unpaid servant doing the hardest, most unwanted and thankless job, and worst of all, we can't get out of it, then we think to ourselves, it's better to be divorced than to be in this horrible situation.
FedUpWife, the above is the reality for many of us and that is why we want to warn others. Your MIL is only 75, she may live another 10-20 years if well medicated and taken care of. Can you see why some of us in this situation would rather be divorced than be a slave for10-20 years?
Your husband appears to have little respect for you. He clearly thinks that you are Superwoman, which is nice, but it's not the same as respecting your "no, I can possibly do that".
This book might help-- https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/
A better arrangement might be for the nephew to move in with MIL and take care of her as his rent. :-) Sounds like that might solve everyone’s problem, at least for the moment. It just delays the problem, but that might help.
I am with you, btw, in rejecting the divorce idea, but maybe you could intimate to your husband that is what quite a number of people have told you, to let him know how very seriously people - especially women/wives - who have lived through this exact situation view the difficulties and problems he is trying to insert into your lives - yours, your children’s, and his mother’s.
She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.
My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.
Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.
And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.
If you feel that you have no choice in this, perhaps it might help to agree with DH to a one month trial. Her house will stay vacant, and you can all go back to square one, with experience.
Invite him to look around the forum. He'll find plenty of people who regret moving their parents in to live with them. Their lives were changed drastically for the worse.
MIL and DIL typically do not get along living under the same roof. Three of my close friends got divorced due to MIL/FIL moving in and butting into their marriages.
Tell him having the nephew move into his mom's home and live for free is a HAREBRAINED idea.
What you are both facing now is something that absolutely depends on YOU to make it work. If it’s a reversal of the usual situation, he’s a brave and sensible man to accept that “maybe he isn’t thinking this through”. Good luck to both of you – and to a good solution for MIL as well. Yours, Margaret
One to three meals a day
Monitoring of medication
Personal care, including dressing and bathing
Housekeeping and laundry
24-hour emergency care
Some medical services
Social and recreational activities
You, alone, can not possibly give her the above care at home without burning out.
You and your husband can search online for some good AL facilities near where she lives right now and broach the subject with MIL. Take her to go visit a few of them. She can either sell her house, or rent it out, and use the money to pay for a place at an AL.
I just saw your latest post…see Social Worker & have her sent to rehab facility first & then apply for Medicaid when that short term rehab ends.
HUGS!!! 🤗🤗🤗
Please let him know he is not the villan here. Just another adult trying to care for an aging parent - a son trying to be the 'Good Son' as he was raised.
Curing old age for our parents is not possible 🙁
Acceptance & grief are next.
Your sanity and your children come first. She can go to a nice assisted living and your family can visit her.
I am glad that you get along with her. Keep in that way because it is stressful to have parents living in your home. I had my mom in my home and it changed our lives. It truly wasn’t the best situation.
I loved my mom very much, but caregiving is a demanding job and it never gets any easier. It becomes harder with each passing year. My mom recently died in a hospice house and she received excellent care.
Your mom will be well cared for in a facility. She will adjust to her new surroundings. Your husband will too.
I hope your MIL is okay. Is it possible for you to talk to her doctor about her health problems and get a recommendation from the doctor to put your MIL in a facility where they can monitor her health?
When I first starting caring for my Mom she fell down right before her doctor's app't right outside the medical building and her doctor said to me "maybe you should think about putting your Mom in a nursing home".. We were new to this doctor at that time and since then he thinks I'm a great caregiver. Of course my Mom had to get a walker since she wasn't steady on her feet.
My point is there are some doctors who will recommend a facility depending on the situation.
All the best,
Jenna
1. a Doctor may have good local knowledge of various places
2. A doctor's suggestion may have more weight than family suggesting it
2. MIL may be more willing to accept a Doctor's authority
3. it gives her Son/DIL a professionaly advised direction - less guilt all round.
I respect you and your husband for being committed to each other and for being devoted parents. Couples are united as one, yet are still individuals with our own needs. There has to be harmony in a relationship, whether there are children involved or not.
You have decided that divorce isn’t a viable solution. Divorce can be challenging, especially when children are involved.
In some cases though, divorce is the sensible choice for all involved if situations aren’t resolved. No one wins if a couple stays together “for the sake of the children.” Children don’t win if the parents are always at odds with each other about important issues, showing no concerns or respect for one another. What does that teach children?
My husband and I have been married for 43 years, so I truly understand your desire for a marriage that lasts for a lifetime.
My mom lost her beloved home in hurricane Katrina and mom lived with us for 15 years. I was looking after my mom long before she moved in because she had Parkinson’s disease and needed help. We have two children. It was a big adjustment for all of us, including my mother. She recently died in a hospice house. I miss her terribly but I am glad that she received excellent care, is no longer suffering and is reunited with my father in the afterlife.
Your mother in law’s home is just a house! My childhood home was completely destroyed in hurricane Katrina. It was an incredibly emotional experience. In the end though, it’s only a house. Mom’s house held many memories, all of her possessions inside the home were ruined. It broke my heart to see my mom’s face while looking at everything that was ruined. I felt it was important for her to have closure, so I brought her to see it when she asked to see her house one last time.
Guess what my mom did shortly after seeing her home? She attended Mass with us and said a prayer of thanks to almighty God that she still had her life! We were so glad that we had evacuated to Texas. Many people died in hurricane Katrina. My point is that your mother in law and your husband need to let go of the idea that keeping a home is in her best interests.
Sell the home. Find a wonderful assisted living facility and visit her. That is the most logical choice.
No one questions your love for each other. I dearly loved my mom. Mom was homeless and we offered her shelter. Was it the best solution? It would have been fine short term, until other arrangements were made. Having mom here full time was difficult. I was the one, like your husband who mixed up ‘love’ with ‘care’ for my mom. Our family dynamics changed and it became complicated. I needed therapy to learn coping skills and help in moving forward.
I hope your husband will come to his senses. Therapy would provide a safe place to express any concerns, plus it would help having an objective viewpoint to help clear up confusion.
Wishing you all the best to you and your entire family.
"I get angry just reading your post, wow! How dare he do this to you!!! Yes, he is being extremely selfish and not thinking about you and all that you need to do for your children which is so much work. I feel for you just reading what responsibilities you already have.
I would just tell me him NO. If he doesn't like your answer tell him to put his Mom in a facility that would be most beneficial to her. And then say the subject is closed.
Good luck to you,
Jenna"
That was in the beginning of this thread. Since then you gave us more information about your situation thus I added more responses that I thought would be helpful.
I apologize that you became offended when I wrote "what kind of woman would stay with this type of man?" I wrote that because of the picture you painted of the situation. I don't live in your house so I'm not there to see what goes on, only you know that. I can only go on the information you provide.
My ex-husband (who was born and grew up in another country) was not supportive of me when I became very sick with chronic lyme disease. He caused me so much stress that I was getting sicker then I already was. First I begged him to go to marriage counseling which he finally did but it didn't help. Then I asked him to move out which he finally did. He did not want to divorce but I did. All I wanted was support from him which he was not capable of giving.
Jenna
You had a right to ask your husband to leave. You tried everything possible to resolve issues that were standing in the way of achieving a healthy marriage. It is sad that even with the benefit of marriage counseling, he wasn’t willing to support your needs. Ideally husbands and wives support each other in times of need.
Marriage is a two way street. He had his chance in therapy to work it out, and he blew it. You are better off without him. Good for you, for not settling for things to be all ‘his’ way, in order to remain married. That never works!
There will always be compromises in a relationship. Both people have to be satisfied though, otherwise one person is in control of the other. There isn’t a ‘boss’ in a healthy marriage. It’s an equal partnership.
Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.
"We take care of our own"
"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"
"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."
"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".
So, which of those is true?
I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.
I love this response, Barb!
As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.
My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.
I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.
I am so very glad to hear your husband is rethinking his plan and being open to hearing and seeing things from our real life caregiving experiences. I am also glad he was able to look past the negative tone and comments we made about him, to see our advice. He's a very generous guy in my book. And we said all those things because we wanted to defend you.
I hope you, too, can overlook JennaRose's one comment that you didn't like. All her other comments were in support of you. JennaRose is a very gracious lady and it shows in her apology to you.
I hope after the family meeting, you and your husband will come out as one united team working together to find the best solution for everyone: you, him, your children, and MIL.
As for coming from a different culture, my husband wasn't born in the US either. In his culture, elders live with their family. In fact, his grandma lived with her 2nd husband and youngest daughter who took care of her for many years until she died (of Alzheimer's.) Her daughter sacrificed her life. She didn't date and never married (no time and energy.) Taking care of her mother (my husband's grandmother) basically consumed her life. Now that her mother passed away, she's way beyond child bearing age. She can date, but at her age now, there are fewer prospects. That was the price she paid for adhering to her culture.
Typically, when a poster asks a question, s/he shares the pertinent information, including culture if it's important. Sometimes, we ask about the cultural background the poster comes from if it seems relevant. If not shared, then we typically don't go ask.
Best wishes to you FedUpWife.
I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!
Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??
The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.
H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!
Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.
PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.
I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.
It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."
you already do so much, you are a saint and I understand doing it for the love of your own children.
Your in law is only 75 years old. She is too young to be in care, and if she does need help then it should be found for her while in her own home. I am assuming she is not living on the streets and has her own residence?
If she needs companionship I'm sure you do not have the time nor energy. She should join a community.
I think perhaps your husband is making a decision based on emotions and is not thinking straight, but if you both talk about it more, without the emotional side and more on a practical level, I'm sure he will come to his senses.
I personally could not do it, your plate is not just full, but it's spilling.
It would be too big of a disruption for you and your children.
I am going to be honest and hope you do not do this, but at the same time find a good situation for her, and I hope everyone involved can come to a decision that works for everyone, because it has to work for everyone, that means you too.
btw: what cultural aspect is there? I missed reading that.
Best of luck to all of you; may you all be blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.
He thinks that the only way his mother can be cared for is under his roof, his way. If MIL had said yes, he was going to ram the caregiving job down your throat whether you like it or not. I stand by my first recommendation that you two need marital counseling. The general rule in a marriage is that when it comes to big decisions, both spouses have to be in agreement to do something or it doesn't happen, the NO vote wins. In this case, you don't even have a vote. However, I am glad that you two get along great in all other aspects.
I share your concern that this issue is going to come up again in the future when MIL can no longer speak up for herself, or changes her mind.
MIL is a gem. She cares for you and thinks of how difficult it will be for you having to take on her care. I've been on this forum for about 3-4 years now, and I don't remember reading about a senior accepts going to a nursing home willingly. It's always the opposite. The elderly fight tooth and nail against going to a facility, even Assisted Living. That's why sp196090 was surprised by MIL's decision.
For now, see if MIL would be willing to put her wishes down on paper in the form of living will or advance directives. I wish you and your family well.