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BTW - I am at my wits end. I am posting for the first time while sitting in my car in a park close to my home. I have sort of "run away from my own home". I am trying to finally set boundaries. I am extremely tired right now but have been reading the forums and truly need help.


My sweet mil moved in with us, unexpectedly, 3 years ago. Her heath has been declining fairly rapidly lately. Then on New Years Day she slipped out of bed onto the floor. She was very ill and dehydrated and delirious from a severe UTI. This will not be easy to recover from. They just assume (since I don't have a job outside the home) that I will be responsible for her. I have a lot of my own personal family history. I am kind and compassionate and have loads of experience taking care of my sweet mom for years. She died a horrible death in her home from rapid onset ALS in July 2020. My Dad died unexpectedly in 2016.


I have been struggling with my own grief and trauma. They are all aware of this.


Now this crisis. I basically have to ask permission to leave my own home. Usually to be with my adult daughter at medical appointments.


I have reached my breaking point. I absolutely cannot and will not live this way anymore. The family is truly wonderful and I do love them. However they have never been through anything like this. I have done so much over the years to help and guide them. Which I was very happy to do. And to take care on my 83 yo mil. This latest crisis has been a nightmare though.


She has 4 children all local. So you would think they could figure it out. I have physically removed myself from the situation in an attempt to force them into taking ownership.


Let's see how it works.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Laurie

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your instincts are right. This situation must stop. You need to make it very clear that you cannot do this and they must find an alternative solution. Also, be prepared for pushback, gaslighting and shaming. Remember that all of us here have your back and believe you because we have done this work and they haven't. So when they tell you that you are selfish or not thinking of MIL's best interest, remember that one person can only provide so much care for profoundly ill/disabled people for so long before they start to suffer physically and mentally themselves. They don't get that so make sure you keep our voices in your head, not theirs. Sending ❤️
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Just adding my affirmation that you tell them politely that you are no longer willing to be the caregiver in any capacity (and not part of any "team" either). You do not owe them an explanation (or they will start negotiating with you).

For example, if you tell them you need a break because you are burnt out, they will only come up with a minor "fix" until they can get you back in the fray.

"No" is all you need to tell them. Give them a hard deadline to get the replacement care in play (like 1 week). Then stick to the deadline and don't accept any begging or negotiating from them or they won't respect this or any other of your boundaries.

What does your hubs say to this situation? Does he defend you? I surely hope so. If not, that's a whole other post...
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Take your time; we are here to listen!
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Crum - I had a whole post typed out and was about to post it when I scrolled up and lost it. I will retype it. Sigh.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 2022
Laurie, My way to avoid this is to type posts into my word processing package. Then when I am happy with it, I cut and paste it into the 'post' box., the post it straight away. It saves a lot of frustration!
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Thank you all so much. I will post more as soon as I can. ♥
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((((((((Hugs))))))!

Did she go to the hospital after the fall?

Did she go to rehab after? Why not?

Who has POA for health and finances?
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I don't remember the exact post but a woman had asked question on how to have people except the word No. I think she had taken care of both parents or a parent and a spouse but sure it was one after the other. So had done caregiving for years. Both were now gone and she was ready to go on with her life doing what she wanted to do. Problem, because she was so good at caregiving family thought she could now care for an Aunt. Of course she said No her caregiving days were over but they were not excepting No.

This maybe your problem. You are seen as the caregiver in the family. The person with the answers. They don't see where the caregiving roll is also exhausting and not always rewarding. That you have been there, done that and just can't do it anymore. Start with husband. Tell him this was a wake up call. That you are not willing to care for her 24/7 with no life of your own. DH needs to be more involved as do his siblings. If they can't be or won't be then MIL may need to be placed. Just because ur able to stay home does not mean you are not entitled to a life.
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Glad that you got out of the house and are having some time to yourself, even is it being spent on this forum!

You have already started, but time to set boundaries and take a BIG step backward. She is not your personal responsibility. Sure, it's very nice of you to help your husband by helping your MIL. 3 years is a pretty big investment of time so don't feel bad about wanting to end it. Did she end up in the hospital with her recent issues? If so, she should have gone straight to rehab or a nursing home from the hospital.

Talk to hubby and tell him that you're done. You love him and want to be there for HIM but can not be the main caregiver anymore.
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The aim here is a plan that works for ALL. Keep that the message.

At present it works for MIL & her adult offspring - it did work for you, but no longer. That's ok. As the care needs increase, so must the care team. (Not a care team of one).

Is everyone on the same team here? Team Family?

Don't let any 'but think of MIL, she needs you' guilt rubbish. You ARE thinking of MIL - to get her a care TEAM.

I think a family meeting is order. For everyone to 1. Express themselves. 2. Be heard. 3. Examine MIL's real care needs going forward. 4. Start the ideas of how to locate this.

How much care is needed?
How much can family do?
How to find & fund the rest?

But before a family meeting, have a meeting with DH. Pick a time you have his full attention. Go out for dinner even. Where does he see himself in this? Will he be standing with you? Help you to step-down from your duties?

Or the big question: does DH expect/assume/insist 'Wife cares for MIL?'

Exploring this first can shed light on the best path to forge.
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Dear Laurie, you made me sing ‘Busted flat in Baton Rouge’, which sounds about where you are at right now. Go home, go to bed, go to the doctor tomorrow and get a few sleeping tablets (or to the Chemist shop for the non-prescription ‘Sleep Right’ type antihistamines that work for most people). When you are less distraught, write back and tell us a bit more. Then we can give you all the support and suggestions that we can - and that you certainly need and deserve. Anyone who writes ‘Am I being taken advantage of’ almost certainly is!

People on this site can offer everything from love and sympathy to a script to practice and follow with this mob of ratbags (Aussie slang, sounds right). Just survive the night and come back tomorrow. Love and best wishes, Margaret
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Yes, you are being taken advantage of by your husband's family if you are sitting in your car, late at night, parked in a park so you can have some time to yourself. You have to ask permission to leave your own home, for petesake, and your family is aware of your struggles with grief and trauma. That right there tells me they KNOW you're having difficulties and STILL expecting you to leave your blood on the floor taking care of your MIL.

Sometimes being kind & compassionate comes back to bite us on the arse.

The 4 children who all live locally CAN figure it out, they just don't feel like it b/c they have YOU leaving your blood on the floor FOR them so they can slough off and do nothing. It's time for them to step UP and for you to step DOWN.

Let's see how it works indeed, now that you've physically removed yourself from the situation to force them into taking ownership for their OWN mother.

Don't back down. Stand your ground. That's the right thing to do. Take care of YOU now, someone has to.

Best of luck!
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Yes, they are. Time to find new place to live for the MiL. If your husband refuses, time to find a new place for yourself.
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It is already dark. Get a safe place to lie your head down to rest. Not in your car.
Do not stay in the park now.
Couch at daughter's home?
Hotel/motel room.
Be safe until you have recovered your emotions. Would it help you at all, if I told you that emotions are often high and sensitive during and just before the full moon?

Your emotions are valid. Your distress is valid. Your post makes sense, and will make sense to the caregivers here. You will have choices.

But just for this moment, take care of you only.
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