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I’m 58. I alone have been taking care of my mother, who has dementia for 8 years while working full time. Last year I changed my hours to 30 hrs weekly, which caused me to bring home paperwork. I have an adult care provided for her when I work. I feed her, bathe her, change her, stay up with her at night even when I work the next morning (she has sun-downers). Because of her incontinence, I'm constantly changing her bedding and I basically take care of all her needs. I can’t even remember when I haven’t been tired. I only nap now. I get up, dress, brush my teeth and put my hair up in a band. It takes about 5 minutes. I eat on the go since my mother can only drink ensures or protein drinks. I’ve been told I’ve aged years and I feel years older than I am. She is currently at the end stage. I was told at most, she has a few months left. I was thinking of taking a 3 week vacation after she passes, then look for another less stressful job. I am currently a Lead Internal Auditor and Production Assistant. I have enough money saved to take an 8 week break. I want to make a clean start. I’ve been working at the same job for over 16 years. I had asked to have my work load decreased at my current job, especially when I went from salary to hourly but I was told "you can handle it." The work load did not decrease but increased because of employee cuts. I’m thinking a clean break will make me feel refreshed and renewed. I've bought paint, matts, rugs, furniture and other things to upgrade and refresh my house when my mother passes. I currently have them stored in my garage. I am ready for a change. Am I being selfish to want to start anew?

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We have been going for only 2years,so we feel for you.Look into respite care.I am only 52,but I hate walking around like zombie.Have you thought of the next step assisted living,or a nursing home.At our age we need to think of our health and mental wellbeing ,too.
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No. You are not selfish. You took care of your mom and now is your time to enjoy the rest of your life. I am taking care of my mom who is 83 yo and has dementia. I will use her money to pay for help whenever I decide to go out ir travel. I have no intention of turning into a prisoner. She might live to 95 for all I know. By that time I might need help myself. I am 66 yo and thank God in decent health. Take care of yourself.
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Don't feel guilty about taking a vacation, you've certainly earned it. But I would caution going slowly.... you've mentioned so many changes that have and will happen, you don't want to find yourself suddenly overwhelmed and crashing. Changing jobs is hard and deserves some time to itself. Heck, even planning a vacation can bring on stress.

Give yourself time to grieve after your mom passes, rest however it suits you (take days and just sleep!), and then make changes at a pace you know you can safely handle. Good luck to you :)
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BillsLiz - i agree with your doc that it could be 6 months to a year. I was dealing with all the coordination and issues that would arise, though had aides to help w mom. That was for a number of years, and even though I wasn't full time hands on care, am also exhausted. I think it's taken about 3 months to start to feel some energy again. Don't rush back into it.

For the OP - yes, finding a job after 50 is hard. See if your Alzheimer's Association will help with some funds for a respite break for you now. If you can scout out another job now, that would be good for you, though I understand you don't even have the energy to think that through or do it. As others have suggested, definitely see if your mom qualifies for medicaid, in our state there is a nursing home diversion program, that is through community based medicaid (shorter look back period) and they pay for aides to keep a person at home. If you could get someone overnights, that would get you some sleep and energy back.
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No, you are not being selfish. I am dreaming of what I will do when that time comes. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother more than life itself however, I am exhausted. Working full time and then taking care of my mother after work and night and weekends which leaves no time for me. So, I totally understand. Don't ever think you do not deserve to take care of you because you have given your life up to take care of your mom and now it is your time.
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You must seek respite as you will certainly drop over from caregiving for 8 years.
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Why is your mother not wearing "Depends?" And why don't you have those large quilted pads on her bed underneath her? They save you from washing tons of bedding.

No, you are not being "selfish." You are taking care of yourself, which is essential.

I recommend that you consider hiring an adult overnight babysitter or aide so you can get some sleep!

Definitely do NOT quit your current job until you have a new one already lined up and the contract signed. It's very tough to find another job after age 55, no matter how qualified and experienced you are. (I can tell you this from personal experience.)
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Different people react to major change in different manners. When my marriage ended abruptly and with no notice, I had a break down. I have weathered many a situation that would bring others to their knees, but that was my breaking point. But when my last child moved out 2 years later, I waited for the 'empty nest syndrome' to hit me and even prepared with prebooked counselling appointments. You know what I was fine, I was better than fine, for the first time in my adult life I was responsible for only me and it was wonderful.

It may not be prudent to some, but last year I spent almost two months in Europe, this year I go for another 25 days. Perhaps I should be working between my school semesters, but I need to enjoy my life while I can too.
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By all means take a vacation but don't rush into quitting your job. i made the mistake of quitting a good job and moving cross country to live with and care for my parents. It's been 15 years non-sop one thing and then another. I destroyed my career, then went thru my finances, took early social security. Now I am broke, burnt out and still freaking parents. Jobs aren't easy to come by as we age except low ones. Realise that you are probably burnt out so take a vacation and recharge but don't make any other major life decisions unless you have enough money to retire now. Best to you. Btw The doctors have my dad six months to live...15 years ago.
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You are not selfish. Definitely move forward with taking a 8-week break. Put your mom into a care unit if necessary. Just take care of yourself for a change. Take chances. Live your life. She most likely would want you to do this too if the dementia hadn't stolen her mind.
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Agree--I want ouuut if I can't wipe myself or move around. And an 80 year old taking care of a 105 year old takes my breath away.

Going to drink wine, eat chocolate and live wild on my new Don't Live Too Long plan.
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I don't think you are being selfish at all. I'm practically in the same situation except I don't have a job to return to. I'll have to rebuild my life completely when my father goes.
I would suggest that you don't put yourself through two major life changes in the one go. Work will provide structure and a social outlet of sorts. Take your break and change your job in due course.
I'd also suggest you don't put off your treats until she's gone. Be good to yourself on a regular basis. Have a proper dinner, get your hair done, do up your room now. That's the sort of thing that keeps me sane and able to carry on.
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Good for you Rosemary44 of the QE2 sailing. You go girl!
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I am trying to have a "good life" during, as time is flying by. My mother is in an nh and well cared for at 105, and definitely not looking like passing, though her QOL is very limited. I am 80 and sg other is younger. I can't wait any longer or my health may be compromised to the point where travelling will not be an option. I live at a distance, and look after all mother's finances, paperwork, and issues that arise in the nh. I visit every few months, and that would not change much if I were to travel. The problem with seniors looking after seniors is a new one, and we have to develop news ways of dealing with it. Should seniors be spending their retirement years looking after ancients? I quit working at 73, as caregiving for my mother was becoming too much on top of work. Then the care giving issues ramped up considerably until a couple of years ago. So far this is my retirement with a few trips thrown in, and dealing with my own health issues (CFS/FM. Fortunately, where I live (Canada), good facility care is affordable.
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Dear fbrewster,

You have been an amazing caregiver and daughter. It is not selfish at all to want to make a fresh start.

After a long period of putting another person first, it is only natural to want to do something for yourself. And you should!

I am still grieving my dad, but many have suggested I do something to renew myself. I try different things but I'm just not sure yet.
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You are anything but selfish. I’m 58 and have been my husband’s caregiver for 10 years. I have always known that the caregiver needs to take care of the caregiver so he/she has something to give to the cared for. My husband is now in a memory care facility several states away where I can afford it. There is other family to check on him and I’ll go about every three months.

But, I’M EXHAUSTED!!! I feel like my brain is numb. By the time I get out of bed, feed the dogs and get my breakfast, I’m done for the day. I have no energy. I was so looking forward to the day when I was no longer a caregiver on a minute by minute basis. I had kept active singing in choirs, feeding my spirit, so that I’d have a life to continue with when he didn’t live here anymore. I don’t have the energy to do anything. My doctor, who has many patients in my situation, says it will take 6 months to a year to feel normal again.

Be gentle to yourself. It takes a long time for your body to recover from the stress and lack of sleep. I jumped into a bathroom remodel that has taken way longer than it should have. But, I’m fine with it because I don’t have two brain cells to rub together in order to move things along, or even get upset about the delays. My dishes pile up and my house is dirty and I just don’t care. I’ll get to things when I feel like it or need to. In the meantime I’m hanging on to my dreams of a good “afterlife” for when I have the energy to enjoy it. I’m just not sure when that will be yet.
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Why would you even think you're being selfish? You said "after" your mother passes. It's not like you're considering abandonment.

It is time for you to find some happiness in life!
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I admire you tremendously..we’re the same age & my mother & I live together...she has dementia & is 90 yo...91 next month...I have help w Aides in the house...one Mon TWTH & another Fri-Sunday. I don’t work FT ...just occasionally Sub Teach. I do overnight change w diaper & w her from 1 pm on Mondays till next Tuesday a.m. Otherwise the Aides stay between 10-11 hrs /day. I can’t imagine working full time. My mother’s SS goes mostly to pay the Aides. I don’t do vacations...My mother & I used to go on every vacation together.. She’s been sick recently too w cough & on antibiotics, nebulizer. I’ve been up every night every hour giving her drink & cough drops. I’m always tired & always have a headache. She was in nursing home for 10 months & I took her home & discharged her the weekend she turned 90. She don’t walk anymore & needs lift machine to get in & out of bed & on & off commode. I didn’t want nursing home to clean out her $$$ totally...she could not get on Medicaid for a while....it was the less expensive choice....but most women I met who were daughters of mothers in NH worked FT & would not be able to handle at home. Would your Mom be able to get on Medicaid? Can you get Aides in the house or get her into AL or NH? Good luck. You’re not alone
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When that time comes you be prepared to make great plans. I hope you have more help now though to rest some or get away for a day or so too.
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I must really be a different kind of person as I will do everything possible not to be a burden to my children. If I knew I was terminal and didn't have enough money to have nursing people take care of me, I would commit suicide before I would ruin my childrens life with me being a burden, to them. Probably could never do it but in my mind right now I pray that I could do that if the event came to that. I want my children to remember who I was and not at what I had became in later life. I pray a sudden heart attack that comes fast and final. I hate these end of life pain people have to go live. I think it is really unfair about it all. But who has all of the answers right now of why it has to be this way. Maybe someday we will understand all of the whys.
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Seeing our parents go through a long sad decline makes us want to enjoy life to the fullest when we can. I love that you have plans for filling the void when your Mom is gone. You will have no regrets because you have been there for her. You deserve a long rest to rejuvenate. I would feel bitter toward a company that heaped more work on me at the hardest time of my life and said “you can handle it.” What you have handled is heroic.
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Absolutely NOT (are you being selfish). Life DOES go on...I hope you take a nice break, and get your health back on track.

And BRAVO for all you have done for your mother!! It sounds like you have loved her very much...
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It is not selfish to be thinking about a fresh start. I just lost my mom in December 2017. I had been working on a plan to change careers and be more flexibility and be more mobile. Nothing wrong with that. I had to prepare to make a career change after being in the same job for 20+ years, so why not utilize the available time while taking care of mom. I was able to keep her home with me until her last breath. That was my promise to her. I had no family help but did find resources for outside help. My mom also had dementia.
What I didn't expect was the flood of emotions after mom passed. I hadn't taken into account that I had never suffered a deep loss such as losing a parent. I still have no family support and very little support from friends (who never supported me all the years mom lived with me). So here I sit, 2 1/2 months later, and I am lost, the pain goes as deep as my soul, and just overcome with emotion I did not expect. I felt as though I had watched her slip away for so long, and cried almost every night, and honestly felt that it would be a relief. But I did not find that. So be prepared for what could be unexpected emotions.
I told myself I would take a trip after mom passed. I haven't had a vacation in 15 plus years. Even though I do not have the funds really, I'm doing it anyway because I promised myself. I am not the least bit excited, yet, but hope I will be fine once I get on the plane.
I am still working the 20 plus job but that's ok for now. I am allowing the emotions of grieving to come as they will. I am not holding any emotions back. I do feel that is the way to get through in a healthier way. I am still working on the skills to move into a different career, but it is slow going and I'm ok with that too. I am 60 years old and ready for a change. So I definitely understand what your are thinking.
Be sure to think it out clearly as others have said. Not always that easy to find employment as we get older. Sad but true. Nobody said you can't make your own employment! Good Luck. Everything will work out as time allows. Be patient with yourself and your mom and the process.
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I agree with everyone-go for it. When my wife died a friend asked me to come to his condo as he was going to be there for a week. My first response was "I can't go" (caught up in the routine of caring) then my second response was "Why not". I was gone for 3 weeks-1 week with a friend (we laughed and talked)-several days then to visit my daughter and then a week with my Dad. I read 5 books and when I came home I was more relaxed and ready to face my new journey as a single person. Go for it!
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OF COURSE YOUR NOT BEING SELFISH
Looking after somone with dementia for 8 years you deserve a medal.
Your your not getting any younger yourself also and imagine have missed out on alot of things being a carer.
Although you have planned everything somtimes the elderly live much longer than any of us or Drs expected. So you may have to calculate that into uour plans also.
Hope all the best for you.
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Girl, you need it! Go for it!
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This adult care provider seems to have it easy if your mom is asleep her entire shift. I would first address the sun-downers. Reverse that and put the weight on the care provider who is getting paid. Paint now and refresh your home for your own emotional enjoyment now. Life is not promised to you either dear. Enjoy your time. Best of Luck
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You are not selfish. But take care of your health now! Exercise & eat healthy. Lots of veggies & fruit. I am on plant based diet. Husband had bypass 7 yrs ago. Two days after in hospital during the night he had stroke. Has moderate dementia. Loss use of left arm. Walks slow & unsteady. Two falls put in him hospital. Complete personality change for the worse. He’s 76. I’m 66. I work full time. He can still be home alone. Is forgetful & argumentive. I won’t miss him. My husband died with the stroke. I have no Guilt. You shouldn’t either. Change your perspective. The best to you.
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I agree with all the above comments EXCEPT I hope you wait a few months before quitting your job. Perhaps a few months FREE of the intense stress you are experiencing might give you a fresh outlook on your current job of 16 years. No harm in "looking" but don't assume a new job would be better. Good luck !
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You are not selfish rather realistic - I'm sure that with your work load that your home has been neglected - do your redecorate & enjoy it as a renewal

Just take a bit of time - you could be changing too much to soon which could put you in a tailspin - when your mom goes you may need the routine of work to keep your rhythm going

Take time for a good spa day for a facial, mani, pedi & massage to give your body a boost & reboot
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