I’m 58. I alone have been taking care of my mother, who has dementia for 8 years while working full time. Last year I changed my hours to 30 hrs weekly, which caused me to bring home paperwork. I have an adult care provided for her when I work. I feed her, bathe her, change her, stay up with her at night even when I work the next morning (she has sun-downers). Because of her incontinence, I'm constantly changing her bedding and I basically take care of all her needs. I can’t even remember when I haven’t been tired. I only nap now. I get up, dress, brush my teeth and put my hair up in a band. It takes about 5 minutes. I eat on the go since my mother can only drink ensures or protein drinks. I’ve been told I’ve aged years and I feel years older than I am. She is currently at the end stage. I was told at most, she has a few months left. I was thinking of taking a 3 week vacation after she passes, then look for another less stressful job. I am currently a Lead Internal Auditor and Production Assistant. I have enough money saved to take an 8 week break. I want to make a clean start. I’ve been working at the same job for over 16 years. I had asked to have my work load decreased at my current job, especially when I went from salary to hourly but I was told "you can handle it." The work load did not decrease but increased because of employee cuts. I’m thinking a clean break will make me feel refreshed and renewed. I've bought paint, matts, rugs, furniture and other things to upgrade and refresh my house when my mother passes. I currently have them stored in my garage. I am ready for a change. Am I being selfish to want to start anew?
Just be careful about your expectations of when that will be. My mom has been on hospice for over 11 months. My husband and I make plans for our future life, but know that could not be for a year or two, or it could be in months.
Before you leave your job, make sure you can get another of your choosing. So you will be able to manage financially.
When you do go, have a drink for me. :D Hugs
I agree though, about timing. My LO has been in Late stage dementia for over a year. She was even close to hospice, but, seems to be holding on okay. Even though Vascular Dementia normal life expectancy is average 4 years, I anticipate that she may have much more time. I might have a backup plan to get some respite time, just in case she does survive a while yet.
Good luck with your plans.
I often feel like quitting my very stressful job and have purposely not taken vacation in years so I can use it when needed at the end of mom's life, but realistically know that I do not have enough saved for retirement and have no pension or health care benefits
Do you have access to early retirement benefits? If not, then yes take that needed vacation, but honestly 8 weeks savings is not enough when you're job seeking in your late 50s
For those without pensions, here are some rules of thumb for retirement savings
8-12x annual salary
1-2x annual salary in emergency funds
I obviously don’t know you so I don’t know if the following applies:
- Keep in mind that when you actually lose your mom, your main reason-to-be will be gone. You might not only miss her terribly but also feel that life lost its meaning. We, caregivers tend to feel our reason to be is our caregiving role. So plan ahead, you may need your work to keep your mind busy.
-Like it’s mentioned before, although your planning seems very methodical and practical, consider your mom might stay longer than expected.
- This is just a side note....cannot believe the similarities! I take care of my mom too, and my profession? Lead Internal Auditor...smallest world!
- The fact that you’re asking if planning what and how you’re is bad and makes you a selfish person means you, yourself feel there’s something wrong with it. What deep inside seems wrong to you? That’s your answer..
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Go and enjoy yourself!
However, an 8-week break will fly by in the blink of an eye, and it is very hard to find a job after you're 50.
I took what I planned to be a few months' break after an exhausting job ended in 2010. Living on unemployment and then savings, somehow several years flew by. (I had no problem finding things to do!) I had a college degree and many years' solid experience and thought it would be easy to find another job. I've been job hunting since I was 59 and have had no luck finding a good job. I've also tried a series of make-do low level jobs that were unbearable.
Before you let your job go you might google articles, statistics and comments on age discrimination. Maybe you could get a long break from your present job after your mother passes and when you go back it would be more bearable with less on your plate at home.
If I'd known about this problem I would have settled into a job in my late 40s and stayed there through retirement.
I kept a journal of what I would do if my Mom were no longer with me. I cared for her for 13 years, 2 of them in my home where she was completely bedridden. It has been 2 years since she passed away and I have been able to do some of the things but not others as I was thrown back into a parent situation....a year after Mom passed we are now facing care for my MIL as the SIL that was living with her passed away. It was like going back to it after a tease of freedom. Then an old school friend who was done caregiving for their parents began to flag their new home and good fortune in my face constantly while I was thrown back into the worrisome situation starting all over again. In short, please don't feel bad for thinking of yourself and making plans! In addition to the big ones, don't forget to do small things for yourself on a daily basis as they add up too.
It's much easier to get another job while you are working. But once you're unemployed, you will appear more desperate and less desirable.
SERIOUSLY, PLEASE GET SOME SLEEP SOON!!!!
Just take a bit of time - you could be changing too much to soon which could put you in a tailspin - when your mom goes you may need the routine of work to keep your rhythm going
Take time for a good spa day for a facial, mani, pedi & massage to give your body a boost & reboot
Looking after somone with dementia for 8 years you deserve a medal.
Your your not getting any younger yourself also and imagine have missed out on alot of things being a carer.
Although you have planned everything somtimes the elderly live much longer than any of us or Drs expected. So you may have to calculate that into uour plans also.
Hope all the best for you.
What I didn't expect was the flood of emotions after mom passed. I hadn't taken into account that I had never suffered a deep loss such as losing a parent. I still have no family support and very little support from friends (who never supported me all the years mom lived with me). So here I sit, 2 1/2 months later, and I am lost, the pain goes as deep as my soul, and just overcome with emotion I did not expect. I felt as though I had watched her slip away for so long, and cried almost every night, and honestly felt that it would be a relief. But I did not find that. So be prepared for what could be unexpected emotions.
I told myself I would take a trip after mom passed. I haven't had a vacation in 15 plus years. Even though I do not have the funds really, I'm doing it anyway because I promised myself. I am not the least bit excited, yet, but hope I will be fine once I get on the plane.
I am still working the 20 plus job but that's ok for now. I am allowing the emotions of grieving to come as they will. I am not holding any emotions back. I do feel that is the way to get through in a healthier way. I am still working on the skills to move into a different career, but it is slow going and I'm ok with that too. I am 60 years old and ready for a change. So I definitely understand what your are thinking.
Be sure to think it out clearly as others have said. Not always that easy to find employment as we get older. Sad but true. Nobody said you can't make your own employment! Good Luck. Everything will work out as time allows. Be patient with yourself and your mom and the process.
And BRAVO for all you have done for your mother!! It sounds like you have loved her very much...