Married for 20 years my stepfather (88) and mother (82) lived on a rural property about 35 min from me. He was the primary cook and general caregiver for my mother.
Last fall he became ill and was hospitalized. Subsequently went to rehab to gain his strength back. Was released from rehab but still needed care. Tried a home visit, but clearly wasn't going to be enough, needed more help so we went to ALF. Since mother wanted to be with him she moved there also. He moved into the ALF and within 24 hours was told he needed hospitalization and died a week later on Christmas Day. With the help of my siblings and her siblings she agreed that she shouldn’t move back to the rural address. We sold the property.
So now mom was in the ALF but living as an independent. I had her briefly evaluated by her doctor who said she had mild cognitive impairment. In addition mom has multiple chronic issues (among them instability, high blood pressure, diabetes (uncontrolled), glaucoma, macular degeneration ) takes lots of medication and needs a walker. I look at her medication boxes regularly, there is usually a couple of days missed, but she fills them on odd days. I planned to get her medications administered to her by the ALF in the next few weeks, but didn’t know how to approach her with this.
I’m afraid of making my mother feel like an invalid.
In the middle of this last few months after losing her husband, her home, and her dog (run over in the middle of this) there was another death in the immediate family.
Mom’s outlet has always been a sewing club at a church where she used to live. I’ve taken her there a few times and she knows it’s too far away. We’ve attended a different places locally but she couldn’t see the screen and it was a modern type service which she couldn’t follow. She hasn’t wanted to go back.
One day she says she’s been enjoying the ALF and has started to make new friends. They have tons of activities at the ALF, but she doesn't always want to participate. She stays in her apartment a lot. Then on another day she has talked about missing her friends, that the ladies she eats with at the ALF aren’t really her friends.
Just recently she got invited to a bday party with friends from old church. Upon getting there she asks if there’s any ALF nearby. They all say yes and they decide to go and look at the place. Two hours later Mom promptly calls me and says she is thinking of moving there to be by her friends. She misses them. The friends she has made at the ALF aren't her real friends she's had for over 15 years. I’ve tried to get her connected and we've been to another church she didn't like. I also contacted another church and they are reaching out to her. But it will take awhile.
The place she wants is over an hour away from me. I don’t have children but I am a school administrator and can’t take off of work all of the time. I’ve taken more time off in the last several months. I can't be running up there all the time.
Am I being selfish?
When we spoke on the phone mom said my husband and I had our own lives to live. This has always been the case, my mom has always been independent and gave me the courage to do the same thing….but she needs help! I have tried to preserve her independence and respect her wishes as long as possible. She doesn't realize how much help she needs.
I am torn because I want her to have quality of life, however long that may be, and I want to preserve her independence. Yet I have to be near her and be able to work with the facility where she is living while she's still "independent" as she says. She's really not all that independent.
Any advice out there for how to talk her off the idea of this? Or am I wrong? Do we all have the right to live where we want as long as we can?
A friend (POA for her father ) lives about 2 hours from him ( in NH): she & NH admin do Care Meetings via phone. She & her husband make the trip to visit once a month or so. Hoping you can come to a decision that works for both of you.
I appreiate it
Is she private pay at these ALFs? How long will her money last? Do they accept Medicaid after a certain period of private pay? Are either of these facilities campus-type arrangements with Memory care and NH facilities?
How often has mom been hospitalized in the past year?
Does your mom understand that if she moves back to her town, you will be unable to take her to doctors, show up in the ER and can only visit twice a month?
Can mom manage this move on her own?
I don't think you're being selfish. I think that you are looking realistically at the future and your mom is not.
There is no easy answer here. But lay the situation out for your mother and see if she seems to understand the subtleties of the situation.
Yes private pay. Has resources for some time but are all in my name which she does not have access. Also when diagnosed properly has a good long term care policy I will activate. All total more than 10 years.
Yes ALF are part of a large well known corporate entity. The one she lives in has memory care, the one she wants does not. This is part of the reason I chose it.
Mom not hospitalized in last year. 1.5 years ago had a fall, only went to the ER.
I plan to tell her all of this about the drs and can't visit as often. I don't know that
Mom can't move on her own. It was a huge endeavor to move her there over the last few months. Kept wanting things from the property we sold then a week later would ask me to get rid of them. I seriously don't plan on helping her if she insists. She would have to do it all herself. That sounds mean but its just such a bad idea.
It sounds like mom is beyond the " mild cognitive impairment" stage.
I wouldn't lift a finger to move her. " we'll see." "Let me look into that" and " we need to ask the doctor about that" are all good responses.
Another thing. I'd be curious to see if those friends step up to help. We kept my mom in an Independent Living place near her old address so her friends could visit. Didn't happen. My mom, not a social butterfly at all, eventually made friends in IL.
You already know your mother is in favour. She has the right to make this decision, so the least you can do is take the idea seriously.
Then, it has the advantage of being within practical visiting difference of a much wider social circle.
Then, there are other pros and cons to weigh up and compare with her current ALF. Do a check list, perhaps - continuing care, range of activities, customer reviews, cost, quality of environment, food, etc. etc.
Then, just supposing you are really impressed and agree it's a good idea, it's an hour away. That is actually the ideal distance when you are engaged and involved in your mother's care, but don't want her to become her emotional and physical life support system. You're near enough for regular visits and emergencies, but not so near you'd feel guilty for not going every day.
Anyway - you're a long way off being stuck with a decision you can't work with. But yes I think you must explore this idea, not just shoot it down.
One thing that jumps out at me is how fast this has all been. If I'm understanding the story correctly, a year ago she was happily living in a rural home with a husband who took care of her. Last fall he got sick and by Christmas he had died. After just a week in the ALF selected for his situation, she agreed to sell her home.
Four months later she realizes she wants to be near her friends and has actually found an ALF that would make that possible.
This sounds like a person with MILD cognitive impairment, recognizing her limitations as far as making new friends or getting involved with a new church, and trying to make the best of it.
As to medications ... if she's taking "a lot" of meds at age 82, it might be smart to ask her doctor to re-evaluate and see which can be dropped. Many medications that make sense for someone in their 60s to prevent longterm problems may make less sense for someone in their 80s. Sometimes taking too many meds can be the cause of cognitive impairment, and reducing the pill burden can be a noticeable, even measurable improvement.
She's grieving a lot of losses right now -- her husband, her home, her notions about her own mortality -- why should she have to lose her friendships on top of that?
You're not going to stand by her every day to make sure she takes her meds on time (that would drive both of you crazy). The ALF can make sure she takes the important ones on schedule. You might both be happier if she has her friendships instead of having to rely on you for everything.
And then there's the question of self-determination. Even a person who has mild cognitive impairment at 82 is entitled to make their own choices. She's not going to live forever no matter what you do, which sometimes we 'children' forget.
If you want to preserve her independence, let her have this cake and eat it too. She will have friends to socialize and safety in a secure environment. Imagine your mom being in her own apartment in your neighborhood and she fell or got sick, you’d spend a lot more time with her - a luxury you do not have. At ALF, she will have some kind of help from staff.
So, no, you are not being selfish. You are a very loving daughter who cares about her mom. How many parents can say that? Let her have this last wish.
My father wanted to move into assisted living. My husband and I pre-screened a lot of placed but then let my father pick. After he was there a year he was unhappy and tried everything to get me to move him some place else. He had no idea how much work it was to move him. The worst part was he tried to convince he me was doing me the favor by moving.
At 82 I say she is still young enough to make her own decisions. If she wants to move she needs to make the arrangements. Make sure she understands your visits now will only be twice a month. No more running her to the doctor and you will only show up for life threatening ER visits. (My father goes to the ER over nothing or very minor stuff...I stopped going years ago).
Good luck and God bless ya !
understands that being her daughter....your happiness and peace of mind is also part of the equation. Best wishes....I hope this all works out for you and mom.
So you are an hour away but she is in a place being taken care of which is the reason for being in AL. Write down what you are doing that can be managed either at a distance or done by the facility. They should be offering outings for shopping. I often would have Amazon ship things to dad even though I was 7 miles away so it would be there when he wanted it. There are ways around this. Don’t make any hasty decisions as I realize what a chore it is to move someone having done this 4 times with dad. If you do move her, use a Senior moving company to handle it. It totally is worth it.
Those pill packs would be convenient.
Example: One member (has since passed) lived here and her son lives in the next state. The member had one of those medical alert necklaces and when she would fall the first person (one of our members) on the list would be contacted, that person would go over and see what was happening and call the son.
Perhaps if you could work out a system with a few friends it could work.
Blessings
hgnhgn
It is totally NOT selfish of you to want her nearby. I think it is normal to want her nearby for both convenience and so you can keep an eye on her. So please do not beat yourself up about this.
Personally, however, I do think she will be happier in the ALF closer to her church, sewing circle and friends.
If her friends are near by they can fulfill her need for an emotional connection and you can ask them to keep you posted, if your mother is in dire need of anything.
Friendships keep people emotionally healthy and emotionally healthy people are often more physically resilient.
If your mother is healthier, you will not have to visit as often.
You can also stay in close touch with the ALF admins by phone, text and email.
As others have mentioned, can you enlist the cooperation of her friends?
Cost may be another factor in making the decision. Are AL facilities licensed in your state? In ours, some are licensed (with government oversight and the ability to provide some nursing treatments and administer meds), and some are unlicensed. Also, there can be a wide variety in the cost among licensed and unlicensed AL. If it were my mom, I would tell her we will gather all the information (cost, amenities, my frequency of visits, etc.) so she can consider all variables and make an informed decision. If she thinks she wants to move, find out if the AL could accommodate a trial stay in a furnished apartment and if mom is willing to it. If she moves, she can likely move back, you will just want to look at the contract she signs at the AL to see the amount of notice needed to leave. You may find if she moves, you have more time to yourself!?!?! Best of luck!
In the meantime, could you ask a local church of the same denomination if they can suggest a local church with an older-style service and a good screen? That would be one outing a week, probably with easy transport available. There is no perfect solution, unfortunately, so don’t blame yourself if you and she have to compromise.
She has made the decision that she doesn't want to move after all, but thanks for your kind words.
i like the suggestion of trying out just visiting her once a week in her current AL after you get her meds administers, to see what would happen... tell her it’s an experiment to see how you both feel about less frequent visits.