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We moved my grandma into an assisted living facility last year. She was in an independent facility before that but my dad, my sister and I were going four-five times a day to take care of her. Make sure she ate, changed her diaper/clothes, give her her meds, take her out of and put her into bed. It was to the point where my dad would be late to work everyday from getting her out of bed and fed in the mornings and I wouldn't get home until after midnight from putting her into bed. She has a daughter, who lives an hour away, and just comes down on the weekends if she doesn't have anything to do. And during lockdown, we had to tell her constantly if she went out of town/state, out with friends, she could not come visit my grandma. This caused her to go months without seeing her, leaving the care to me and my dad. She had life alert, but would fall constantly and would forget she had the button to get help, so she would stay on the ground until my dad or I would get there for her meds. This prompted us to move her to a facility with round the clock care. Which was a massive fight with my aunt, who didn't see the need for a nursing home. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and now it's become increasingly difficult to visit her. When I go she thinks I'm a nurse and yells at me to get out of her room especially if I go with my dad. When she finally realizes who I am, she's nice for about five minutes then starts being real rude and snappy with me. Mainly because I'm the one telling her not to be mean to the nurses there at the facility or reminding her to eat and not spit it out. I try not to take it personally but there's only so much a person can be yelled at and belittled. I've limited my visits since these incidents to once a month, when before I would go weekly. My aunt thinks I'm not doing enough, and wants me to go visit/check on my grandma everyday. I think that's incredibly excessive but now I feel guilty for not only not visiting my grandma but putting the responsibility solely on my dad since he now has to visit her everyday for my aunt.

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No you are not the selfish one. Your aunt is trying to run a mind game on you. As long as she can guilt trip you that excuses her lack of involvement. The next time she calls complaining tell her you would like to set up a visitation schedule that incorporates her and her children (if she has any) because they are the same relation to grandma as you. I bet she will protect them. Your aunt acts as though an hour away is the other side of the world, she needs to be concerned about how she is going to arrange the hour long trip to visit her mother and not giving commands to make herself feel better. I hope this works out for you.
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Good vibes to you.

When I try to explain my 75 year old mother's behavior rationally (why she is constantly negative towards me), I get frustrated. Then I remind myself that it is diseased body and anxious mind and seek compassion. Taking it one day at a time and doing breathing exercises to calm the mind.

Yes, I too have judgemental relatives who think I should jettison my career and family and care for her, I really have nothing to say to them and avoid them. Others have been more supportive and said that I need to outsource the day to day care to preserve my life.
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manalov: Imho, you are not selfish. Your aunt is selfish.
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I have a very simple response. I don't care why or who is involved, when that person starts to be nasty and abuse me in any way whatsoever, and if I can't stop it or fix it, I face facts - WALK AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. You are worth too much to take that from anyone ever. And as to anyone else doing for her or visiting her, first that is that person's decision - not what your aunt wants. If they are being abused, stay away - do not get involved. Tell your aunt to take over completely with visits and car and tell her you are done based on her behavior. Do not be a fool and be used - stand up for yourself. If you have done all you can and are still abused, JUST WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK - AND NEVER HAVE GUILT AS IT IS NOT VALID.
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How much has your aunt contributed to your mom’s care in the past and how much is she doing now? Seems to me your aunt has got a lot to say but doesn’t walk the walk. Also seems she should be talking to her brother and their mother - not you.
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Don't feel guilty about not going everyday. That is one reason she is in a facility so that she have eyes on her constantly. If seeing you agitates her in this stage of her illness, then you certainly should limit those visits. Poor Dad is probably getting burn't out also (how does she act with him). If she becomes agitated when he visits he should consider limiting his visits also. Hopefully you or Dad is the PoA and has the living will/advanced directive on lockdown.

Now about this aunt.............................. I would let her know is no uncertain terms that she is more than welcome to come and visit her Mom as often as she likes. You and Dad have done your share have you schedules and now is can make up hers. End of conversation.
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In order to help you let go of the guilt, if she is being cared for in the facility, it doesn't sound like the visits are beneficial to either one of you. Since she is being cared for in the facility, can I ask why your dad has to go everyday? When my stepdad was still alive, my mom was nasty and mean to him way to much of the time. Since he passed away, my sister and I take turns going over once a day to check on her, brings meals, and make sure she has taken her meds which I have organized in a locked dispensing pill box (lifesaver for us). Her attitude is actually much better WITHOUT too much contact. As far as the aunt, you can't change someone who is so selfish they just want to project onto everyone else when they are the deficient one. If your aunt doesn't like how other people are caring for her mother, she can move her into her home.
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Tell your aunt to get vaccinated, stop playing with her friends and possibly exposing HER mother to diseases and get her lazy behind down to visit HER mother. Blow off any "advice " from auntie dearest. She hasn't earned a say.
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Short answer and reply! Every comment above I agree with. Your aunt sounds like a selfish controlling witch. I know dealing with my own mother is extremely hard, but I never would try to ask someone to be burdened with it. She is my mom.

Your grandma is very lucky to have you even though she is clueless. Ask the rest if they care so much where are they and what are they doing!??Ugh.

This was not a short answer really, was it? But people like your aunt drive me nuts! Smh. ((Hugs)) to you!
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Your Dad does not have to visit his mom every day.

Tell Aunt that you visit once a month and Dad will visit once a week and she can visit any time she wants.
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Your grandmother is being cared for. Each member of the family needs to decide for himself and herself how often and for how long to visit your grandmother. Your grandmother would do best with a consistent schedule of care - which the nursing home is providing. Some have found it wisest to check with the nurses weekly about how loved one is doing and relay that information to the rest of the family. Decide for yourself what works for you and then inform the rest of the family.

If your grandmother is constantly abusive, it may be a sign of anxiety. Life may be difficult for her to understand and it frightens her. Some people react with moaning and crying. Others react with lashing out verbally or physically. Ask whichever family member is responsible for medical decisions to talk to her doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication.
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Folks with Dementia are, by the nature of their disease, unable to comprehend the world around them. They get frightened, frustrated, confused and try to handle as best they can. That often means aggressive behaviors.

If not already done, suggest a geriatric psychiatrist. Hard to find, but they have specialized training in calming dementia symptoms.

Try and visit because you feel a desire to comfort your grandmother, not because what someone else tells you.

For me, I could handle the crazy if I was rested. If tired, just not enough bandwidth to stay calm and detached during an outburst.

You are trying to be a kind person and that is admirable. At end of day, your grandmother is a blood relative who is catastrophically ill. You are visiting for her and to help your father.
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Lots of good suggestions here. Yes, your aunt is manipulative and you can tune her out. Your dad's relationship with his sister and his mother is very different than yours, so let him make his own choices. Continuing to visit may be the right choice for him, and you can support him in other ways than visiting Grandma. Check out Teepa Snow - excellent guidance.
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I’m in my 40’s, so I’m guessing a bit older than you. Something I’ve realized as I get older is that life is too short to give a flying crap what some jazzed up critic thinks. People are either do’ers, or complainers. You’re the one who has tried to go, when all you get is harassed. If you’re appearance gets your grandma all riled up, then limiting your visits is the right thing to do. Tell your bossy aunt that you’re a busy woman who is trying her best, and to leave you alone. Sometimes standing up for yourself with your elders is one of the first steps in letting them know, “Hey! I’m an adult now. Back off!”
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From my point of view, you are not selfish at all! Your aunt is. Who does she think she is to tell you what to do?
I have a similar aunt myself and know how hard it is to be assertive and to put them back to their place.
But please tell her, it is more her responsibility than yours and her task is not telling you what to do...
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IMO, visiting your grandmom is your Dad's and Aunts responsibility. Your a grandchild with a life of your own. You have done more than enough and you did it to help Dad. He no longer needs that help.

As said, you try not to allow yourself to get upset with a person who is suffering from Dementia. Your grandmothers brain is dying. She can no longer be reasoned with, has short term memory lost. She is slow in processing. Don't argue with her. She does not know what she is saying its whatever enters her mind at the time. She has no filter.

If you enter her room again and she doesn't know who you are just say "Grandmom I am not the Nurse, its me mana." Give her time to process this. She will either know u or not. She needs to adjust to new surroundings. People with Dementia like the familiar. When you take them out of that they become more confused and may show some decline.
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Your aunt does not get to assuage her guilt for being MIA by determining what an appropriate level of visiting is--it's different for everyone. I'm sure you chose a nice place for your Gm. As other posters note your aunt's manipulating you, but she can't do that if you don't let her. If you gray rock her (google it) when she tries to dictate to you I think you will have some success.
As for trying to have a more enjoyable visit...The sad fact is that your GM's dementia has taken her pretty far back in time and she may not recognize the person you are now. You might want to make visits less stressful for you both by accepting that she can't always identify you--go with the flow and be a nice ''neighbor'' or 'friend' dropping in to say hello. If she's always thinking you're nursing staff, what about asking one of them to go in ahead of you and tell her she's got a visitor? Maybe doing something that doesn't require her to do a lot, like listen to music from when she was young together?
Right now when you visit, some lady she can't identify asks her questions she doesn't know the answer to, and is telling her how to eat and behave. Just let that part go--She doesn't have enough memory to be able to manage her behaviors, and as long as she's getting good care let the staff worry about what she's doing.
You guys did a great job keeping her independent as long as you could, and somewhere in her heart she must feel that.
This is a good series about visits by Teepa Snow
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
Best wishes..
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Block your aunt's telephone number, that's my suggestion. If she wants to visit her mother daily, then that's what SHE should do. Advising you on what to do is not only inappropriate, it's a lot of nerve.

Keep your visits limited to once a month, or, as you see fit. Dementia is very difficult to deal with and, if you are causing your grandmother more anguish than you're curing with your visits (as often happens when dementia is involved), then rethink the visits entirely. You can always call the facility for updates to see how she's doing.

Best of luck.
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You are not selfish. and more especially she is NOT your responsibility. tell your father and your aunt that you are no longer available to help with grandma. Live your own life.
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Your grandma probably should have been in Assisted Living LONG before you moved her to AL. As a matter of fact, and this is personal opinion I think that a person with dementia should not be in AL but in Memory Care.
She needs to allow the staff that is now getting paid to care for her to do what they should be doing. The more you do for her the less the staff will do probably with the attitude that they don't have to do much because family is still doing things.
If your aunt wants her visited daily she can go herself.
I think your dad should also cut back on his visits. But that is his choice to make.
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What makes you believe your aunt’s orders and ideas must be obeyed, or even listened to? You’ve done well making sure your grandma is cared for, stop feeling like you aren’t caring. Yes, your grandma needs visiting, it helps ensure she receives good care. That can be on your schedule, not one dictated. And you can also visit without her seeing you, see her from a distance, talk to the staff and then go. And tune out the aunt!
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No, you are not being selfish, not at all. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. You're still doing a lot for grandma, who, residing in an ALF, should be receiving plenty of help. That's why she's there.

There is no need to subject yourself to a daily dose of grandma if she is mean, angry or abusive. It's sad, for sure, but sometimes our relationships with our elder LO's change dramatically as they age and lose touch with reality.

AND your dad does not need to visit grandma for Auntie. Tell Auntie if she's so concerned to get herself down there every single weekend. Auntie is obviously trying to get 'involved' by pulling the strings from where she is--and she feels that she is 'involved' if you or your dad go visit.

As long as Auntie can manipulate you and dad into doing the visiting then she doesn't have to deal with any 'guilt' about not being present.
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