I am asking $200 a week for 24 hr caregiver & my siblings who live 1200 miles away are FURIOUS. The siblings have visited twice in 7 yrs. once because my dad passed.
Edited to add: I am making the assumption that the caregiver is you, and that you are living in and caring for your mom, since you mentioned your dad has passsed - and also that your mom is the one having to pay for the services you're providing.
If the siblings are furious, it's because they feel any inheritance they may receive upon your mother's death is being diminished by your being paid as a caregiver. It sounds like your mother has some money put away or has the ability to pay for a caregiver without too much financial stress - correct?
I would recommend explaining to your siblings that if you were not able to care for Mom, she would have to hire an agency caregiver, which would be at least $20 per hour or more, depending on the care needed. In-home nursing care is far higher. General care involving toileting, bathing and household help is usually around $20 per hour, depending on where you live (could be higher).
Would the siblings rather have you receive $200 per week for a 24/7 job that they obviously can't (or don't want to) do, or would they like Mom to have to pay $20/hour for someone to be there 24/7, which would be far more than $200 per week?
If the opposite is true, and Mom doesn't have anything other than SS income, than that may be why the siblings are upset, thinking that Mom can't afford to pay you. If that's the case, then you'll need to have a serious discussion with your siblings about it and come to a compromise. If you *do* end up being paid for caregiving your mother, make sure there is a contract drawn up and signed (if your Mom is able) to avoid any issues later. It's important to prove that Mom agreed to pay you this rate for caregiving.
I think $200/week is way too LITTLE to be "asking" for 24/7 caregiving!
Tell us more about your situation. Did you give up a job to live with your mother? How old are you? Do you have money for retirement? (What's going to happen when YOU are old?)
What do you have to do for your mother? How capable/independent is she?
Does she have a significant estate/trust that will be left when she passes? Are you and your sibs equal heirs to the estate/trust?
Kitty, OP means "original poster". When I first came on the forums I was wondering what some of the initials were. When someone posted NH, I was thinking New Hampshire instead of Nursing Home. Same with IL, I thought it was Illinois instead of Independent Living. I was wondering why so many elders were moving to New Hampshire and Illinois :P
I don't think you are being greedy. It is hard being the sole caregiver when your siblings are so far away. I feel like you are asking for help from your siblings. Also validation and acknowledgement for what you are doing for your mom. You are the one devoting all your time, energy and love to your parents. It can be a lonely road when our siblings cannot even spare us "how are you?" once in a while.
I was so angry at my siblings. There was so much resentment about how much I was doing compared to them. I wanted "something" to show they cared about me and our parents too. So $200 is not a lot, but I think its more than that. I wish I had counseling when I was taking care of my dad. I was always so use to be the oldest and the responsible one. But as my dad's care escalated, I failed to understand I needed help too. And also acknowledgement and validation from my siblings. I know no one held a gun to my head to help my parents, but I still needed my siblings to offer something to me.
No, you are not being greedy. You are being practical. If you do not get anything for caring for mom, you could find yourself in financial trouble later down the road having not earned anything to help support yourself while caring for mom. This could cause hardship for you and hard feelings too...never a good thing. Siblings are wanting something for nothing. They may be saying something like...well, you're living there for free, getting fed. If that be the case, fine...that's probably worth about 800.00/mo... add to that 200.00/wk salary and you'll be making around 1600.00/mo. Very fair price for 24/7 care of your mom I'd say. Or she could go into a nursing home for average 6000.00/mo, or have 24/7 in home care for around 7,500.00/mo. The 1600.00/mo for care from a loved one is actually quite a bargain!
Yes, right up a contract and have mom sign it if you can. That way if she ever does have to go into a nursing home and qualify for Medicaid they won't come after the money you've been paid. In fact, charge 250.00/wk since you'll be wanting to claim it as income on taxes to keep it all above board! That way it will count toward your SS when the time comes for you to retire.
Tell your siblings, that if they are so upset, you can deliver your Mom to them, and they can have the $200 a week to care for her. Seriously though, ignore them. You are doing the best you can, and they are inconsiderate. I am not in the US, but I presume that amount would only cover expenses. Its not like you're taking overseas trips on your mothers money.
Wow without extra info we really can't respond. Your worth at least $600 a week get signed contract and also pay your taxes so you will have credit down the road for yourself. If we look at this differently and kind of business like it wouldn't be so hard. You actually could get caregiver respite her and there also.
Unless they are ready, willing and able to help, I would ignore that! Good elder care in Birmingham runs $15 -$30 an hour! They actually OWE you money!
I've seen the answers above which are all good information. Let me ask you if you will also be managing the house maintenance, such as mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, arranging for gutter clean-outs, oil deliveries, calling the plumber, electrician, appliance repair person, etc, and also all the financial arrangements: Paying bills, depositing checks, reconciling accounts, applying for benefits, selecting medical supplement insurance, submitting forms for payment, reviewing the monthly statements, and filing tax returns. I don't know any caregivers who also manage the house or the finances. These tasks are in addition to caregiving and would have to be managed by somebody else if caregivers were hired.
Absolutely you ARE NOT being greedy. As others pointed out, that is fair compensation and a bargain to your siblings. If you counted in another 30% or more for benefits (vacation, healthcare, 401K) considering these are benefits you might get for a paid position (40hrs/wk) on the outside -- then they should consider what you are giving up for mom's care. If they were my siblings, I'd point it out.
First, I think $200 a day is not enough! Second I think you need a contract drawn up detailing what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do. Also make sure that Homeowners insurance will cover personal injuries. When I was paying caregivers for my husband I was paying between $15.00 an hour and $20.00 an hour. the other thing that you need to add to the contract is living arrangements. Are you going to live there? Will there be someone with your Mom at night? If so that will be an added cost and will be more than what you will be paid. If you are going to live in will you be using what it would cost for your personal living expenses, rent, food, heat, electric...as part of your pay?
And what of your personal life? Do you have family? significant other? children? pets? belongings? if so where do all these people and things get placed on your priority list? This is a big decision. If you decide to do this PLEASE enter into this like you would any job, a contract outlining your job, days off, what happens if you are sick or injured.
Your syblings are the greedy ones..I cared for my profoundly handicapped wife for two years 24/7 with only two breaks weekly of 4 hours each and had a heart attack after two years..(I remember getting up four times and more a night to assist her getting onto the bedside commode.. I could not get my rest.
Please send them some or all of the comments in this thread..
Wow. They are vacant ghosts you call family when they have only cared to visit twice in 7 years! Your mother probably needs to be in an AL facility... $200. per week is a pitance for full time care... even though you love your mother.
My sister and her significant other moved in with mom for one month. She said she wanted mom's house for caring for her. In the meantime, mom paid for all groceries and the bills. She got upset with mom and moved out 3 days before Christmas! I took over. I quit my job and took care of mom full-time. I did this because I loved her. I didn't ask for anything in return. My sister had mom pay for her gas to go to work! What a sham. Mom passed away in 2016. I never asked mom to pay me for visiting her. I never asked her for anything. It is what we are suppose to do as their children. Mom moved into AL and loved it there. The cost was high (in my estimation) but she was happy. I wouldn't have changed anything. By the way...when mom passed away, 3 weeks later I received a text asking when the money would be split! How awful.
I agree with everyone that a care contract has to be set up, preferably by a lawyer. If you don't have a contract, than if anyone disputes this - it is your word against theirs. If you think for one minute that your siblings may retaliate and take legal action against you - have a care contract professionally done. Also be a good record keeper. Keep track of everything you have done, paid for, used mom's money for etc.
Any money you mother gives you outside of a contract can be perceived as a gift from Medicaid - if the time comes where she will need it. So that is another concern.
There are always the siblings who do nothing while the parents are alive, but become quite active when it concerns their inheritance.
I went to an elder care lawyer and drew up a contract which mom signed to pay me $1000 a month for her rent and care. Now her needs have increased and the elder care lawyer drew up a new contract which gives me $2000 - $2500 a month for her care. You deserve to be paid. It is compensation for your work, not greed.
I am so glad to be reading these responses. My sisters all live nearby and don't call or visit. Have never thanked me for the 24/7 care I give our Mother. Say I should have put her in a home. I have lived with Mom for past 6 years. House was in disrepair and looked like hoarder hell do to sister and niece living here and never cleaning. They moved out because I was too demanding. No one worked but me. Mom had bad fall. I retired early (65) did not plan to for financial reasons. Mom made me POA and gave me the house. Sisters freaked out! Mom and I both on SS only. Sister who had joint account with Mom (why?) for last 20-30 years. Only mom used account for SS deposits to pay bills. Sister on account confiscated account and claimed fraud on debit card charges I used for medical supplies and mom's health insurance etc. Claims I used Mom's money! I did with Mom's permission while I had about 6 months of no income till my SS kicked in. I have used all my 401k to care for the 2 of us. No washer or dryer in house due to hoarder basement! $1200 I paid to empty it! Meanwhile Mom had bowel obstruction. Now has feeding tube and colostomy. Hospital bed in living room for last 2 years where I sleep on sofa next to her. My mother had no money and neither did I. My sisters allcame out of the woodwork when Mom was in hospice at hospital due to meds evaluation! They thought she was dieing----that is when they grabbed bank account and pissed off I have POA & house. Feeling a little better yet? Threatened me with fraud, police report etc etc. I was devastated. I take excellent care of my mother. Every nurse or aide or anyone can see that! I sit and hold her hand through the rough times! I should be still working but can not. I am the oldest of 5 girls. I promised Mom she would never be in a home. She is comfy and well cared for. My sisters put no value on what I do daily. I pay nursing care if I need to go out. Minimum is 4 hours to get a nurse in. $20-25 per hour. I pay for this out of my pocket. Never see a dime from any of them. No visit for Christmas. Asking your siblings or Mom for a lousy $200 a week????? It should be $1000. They, "the Ungratefuls" should be ashamed of themselves! Let them do what we do, out of love and care, for a week!!! They won't. See a good lawyer and get somethings in writing and to hell with them if they don't like it!!!! Let me tell you what I don't like.....emptying a colostomy bag and a Foley bag & not having freedom to leave the house. Screw what they "don't like"!!!! Sorry. I am venting my anger! You should too!
I believe an elder lawyer can help you. You need things in writing & take into consideration inflation, additional needs/expenses. Let the 2 of you come up with an amount. If your siblings don't like it, let your Mother handle them! Stay strong.
If your mom's only receive SSI, you can be her Caregiver depending on what state your in. Also call 211 and they might can direct you to other sources that can help you and help fix your house. They're are churches in some area that's good at coming to Elderly homes, painting house, fixing whatever they can fix. Try to pray for your siblings. My mom's deeded her house to me and after she died, I added my baby sister (I didn't know she was that big of a thief) name on as co owner (house was for all 7 siblings) and allowed her to stay while I returned to Texas, (I couldn't find work in Moms city) I wasn't gone 5 months and she forged my name off the deed, said I gave her the house. I had to put the police in her life (yes I felt bad). So you call around and start asking questions and write them down. That's how you channel your angry. That's if their not over your mother. Praying for you and your family. Amen
Kittysue I just did the exact same thing you are asking about. My Mom was living by herself and I would drive 3 hrs every other weekend to check on her. She was diagnosed with dementia but still able to take care of herself I thought. When I got a call from her neighbor telling me she drove her car through the garage door I knew then she needed help. I also discovered she drove her car into the side of her favorite eating establishment. I decided then this couldn't continue and packed her up and moved her in with me. My brother lived 7 miles from her but didn't take the time to do welfare checks on her. My younger brother lived out of state. They both got bent out of shape because I didn't ask them but they did say just put her in a NH. It took me 18 months to finally realize it was OK to get $800 a month. I quit my job, lost my insurance, gave up my social life and so much more but wouldn't have done it any other way. In the last 3 months they've seen Mom once and one now lives 45 minutes away and is in town frequently and the other brother is now back in Texas and lives 3 hours away! No call at Christmas but texted me and told me to tell her Merry Christmas! I decided after researching costs of inhouse care $200 a week was fine! I've kept both brothers in the loop with her health and everything that involves her. I didn't ask their permission, I just sent them an email and told them what was going to take place. I was surprised there wasn't a rebuttal. One brother responded with thanks for the update and the other didn't respond at all. I'm the oldest but my brothers try to bully me and if the older brother disagrees then you can bet the younger one will too! BTW, Mom has a nice income and I've made sure her finances stay in check. I'm also my Moms DPOA and executor! There is so much more to this but I'm sure I've already bored many! Don't worry about the siblings! They're the one with the issues not you! It took me 18 months to realize this!
When my mother was alive, she implored me to take $20 a week to pay for the gas I was using to drive from my home to hers twice a week, and I continued to do so until she got on Medicaid and into a nursing home. I bought all her groceries and toiletries, cooked for her, cleaned for her, and on occasion I would skim a little off the top for a few things for me and my family - maybe enough for a pizza since I had little time to cook as time went by . She was always generous, I must say, but I didn't take terrible advantage. I was the only caregiver in the family, her only visitor. I also kept every receipt in a shopping bag in case it was needed. But no one ever questioned me how I was using some of her funds, there WAS no one to question me.
No don't you feel greedy! I work FT and care for my Mom with Lewy Body Dementia (she is a handfull!) all by myself. I do everything for her. I take what I need to pay the bills. She moved in with me 4 years ago and my expenses went through the roof. My brother does nothing and never questioned me using her ss. If I had to put her in a nursing home it would run $4000 a month (base cost). She gets one on one care with me. I would put together a list of everything you do and the time it takes. I mean everything,including laundry,cooking meals,etc. If you had to bring an aid in it would cost a lot. You are a bargain! Let them price some agencies out. They will most definitely change their tune. So sorry your feeling this way,I know how hard it is.
It's hard to understand family members who are furious about quality care being provided to an elder, but it is not unusual. People who can't help out may express many emotions that don't help in a difficult situation.
A Caregiver Contract can save a loved one from a nursing home admission, and save the Caregiver from much grief. Without a written agreement, family members may be setting themselves up for problems. Here's why:
Without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable. A Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and it helps to prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help.
Another reason: the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) aren't sure about who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. Are you the person who is designated as Health Care Agent? Is there a Power of Attorney document that designates you are the person responsible for managing assets? A Caregiver Contract can list the organization of care and other services that are being paid for.
Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays you for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. Medicaid could consider payments to family members as being "disqualifying transfers."
If you talk with an Elder Law Attorney in your state, the Attorney can prepare a Caregiver Contract that is compliant with Medicaid regulations in your state, to document the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept.
If the elder is competent to sign the Contract, or if there is an agent designated in a Power of Attorney document who can sign the Contract, the Contract can be an effective way to manage details, so you can focus your energy on the needs of the person you are caring for.
If the siblings are furious, it's because they feel any inheritance they may receive upon your mother's death is being diminished by your being paid as a caregiver. It sounds like your mother has some money put away or has the ability to pay for a caregiver without too much financial stress - correct?
I would recommend explaining to your siblings that if you were not able to care for Mom, she would have to hire an agency caregiver, which would be at least $20 per hour or more, depending on the care needed. In-home nursing care is far higher. General care involving toileting, bathing and household help is usually around $20 per hour, depending on where you live (could be higher).
Would the siblings rather have you receive $200 per week for a 24/7 job that they obviously can't (or don't want to) do, or would they like Mom to have to pay $20/hour for someone to be there 24/7, which would be far more than $200 per week?
If the opposite is true, and Mom doesn't have anything other than SS income, than that may be why the siblings are upset, thinking that Mom can't afford to pay you. If that's the case, then you'll need to have a serious discussion with your siblings about it and come to a compromise. If you *do* end up being paid for caregiving your mother, make sure there is a contract drawn up and signed (if your Mom is able) to avoid any issues later. It's important to prove that Mom agreed to pay you this rate for caregiving.
Tell us more about your situation. Did you give up a job to live with your mother? How old are you? Do you have money for retirement? (What's going to happen when YOU are old?)
What do you have to do for your mother? How capable/independent is she?
Does she have a significant estate/trust that will be left when she passes? Are you and your sibs equal heirs to the estate/trust?
I don't think you are being greedy. It is hard being the sole caregiver when your siblings are so far away. I feel like you are asking for help from your siblings. Also validation and acknowledgement for what you are doing for your mom. You are the one devoting all your time, energy and love to your parents. It can be a lonely road when our siblings cannot even spare us "how are you?" once in a while.
I was so angry at my siblings. There was so much resentment about how much I was doing compared to them. I wanted "something" to show they cared about me and our parents too. So $200 is not a lot, but I think its more than that. I wish I had counseling when I was taking care of my dad. I was always so use to be the oldest and the responsible one. But as my dad's care escalated, I failed to understand I needed help too. And also acknowledgement and validation from my siblings. I know no one held a gun to my head to help my parents, but I still needed my siblings to offer something to me.
Yes, right up a contract and have mom sign it if you can. That way if she ever does have to go into a nursing home and qualify for Medicaid they won't come after the money you've been paid. In fact, charge 250.00/wk since you'll be wanting to claim it as income on taxes to keep it all above board! That way it will count toward your SS when the time comes for you to retire.
Second I think you need a contract drawn up detailing what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do.
Also make sure that Homeowners insurance will cover personal injuries.
When I was paying caregivers for my husband I was paying between $15.00 an hour and $20.00 an hour.
the other thing that you need to add to the contract is living arrangements. Are you going to live there? Will there be someone with your Mom at night? If so that will be an added cost and will be more than what you will be paid.
If you are going to live in will you be using what it would cost for your personal living expenses, rent, food, heat, electric...as part of your pay?
And what of your personal life? Do you have family? significant other? children? pets? belongings? if so where do all these people and things get placed on your priority list?
This is a big decision.
If you decide to do this PLEASE enter into this like you would any job, a contract outlining your job, days off, what happens if you are sick or injured.
Please send them some or all of the comments in this thread..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Any money you mother gives you outside of a contract can be perceived as a gift from Medicaid - if the time comes where she will need it. So that is another concern.
There are always the siblings who do nothing while the parents are alive, but become quite active when it concerns their inheritance.
A Caregiver Contract can save a loved one from a nursing home admission, and save the Caregiver from much grief. Without a written agreement, family members may be setting themselves up for problems. Here's why:
Without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable. A Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and it helps to prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help.
Another reason: the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) aren't sure about who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. Are you the person who is designated as Health Care Agent? Is there a Power of Attorney document that designates you are the person responsible for managing assets? A Caregiver Contract can list the organization of care and other services that are being paid for.
Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays you for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. Medicaid could consider payments to family members as being "disqualifying transfers."
If you talk with an Elder Law Attorney in your state, the Attorney can prepare a Caregiver Contract that is compliant with Medicaid regulations in your state, to document the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept.
If the elder is competent to sign the Contract, or if there is an agent designated in a Power of Attorney document who can sign the Contract, the Contract can be an effective way to manage details, so you can focus your energy on the needs of the person you are caring for.