My childhood trauma caused by both of my parents, runs so deep. Neither of them protected us from verbal, mental,and physical abuse. We (all 7 of us children) suffering from our own individual trauma and abandonment by our mother. I've tried to work on healing and every single time, my mother inflicts more emotional abuse. My mother just turned 80 and is still unwilling to acknowledge and accept the trauma she's caused. Recently she's had serious medical issues and she's needing assistance living in her home; she's trying to guilt me (my other siblings refuse her). I've prayed and have assisted her numerous times only to be subjected to her emotional abuse and financial manipulation. I want nothing to do with her, the trauma is far to deep and my wounds are still, in my mid 50's , still very raw.
I admire your concern for your difficult mom and pray you'll prioritize as you must. Take care of yourself. Aloha.
My mom just passed and I am so grateful for the healing of the past few years! I pray you all can find similar resolution!
No one can remake the past, but we don't need to hold on to feelings that cause us pain. But to overlook an elderly person's needs would be inhumane; and you posting your concerns show you are a caring, empathetic but hurting individual.
Let it go! You're not the child any longer, and this life is yours to live, happy and healthy. If contact with your mother grieves you, slowly but aggressively decrease the time you spend involved with mom and her issues or with anyone causing you distress. Provide those resources that might be able to help her, and give her the freedom to help herself through those contacts.
And live your life!
I understand your feelings. It's taken me 18 months to move on. You can, too.
So when my mom developed dementia and her lifelong anxiety skyrocketed, I found myself feeling quite vengeful. Not a good thing.
I could never have provided my mother with kind and understanding care. She got much more understanding and comfort in a good NH.
You did the right thing by putting your mother into a nursing home where she got the understanding and comfort she needed that you couldn't provide.
I cannot provide the understanding, comfort, and companionship my mother needs either. Even if I had the time, I simply could not do it because there is just too much abusive and manipulative history there. I will not have her living with me for any reason either. If she gets to the point where homecare isn't enough or she can't afford live-in care, she goes into a facility. The same goes for my senior in-laws who want to move in. Not happening. I have legal documents that my husband and I agreed to before we remarried. This document done by a lawyer, states along the lines of neither of us will move in any family members to become caregivers, nor will either of us relocate and move into a family member's home to do the same.
I am so done with hands-on caregiving for family or anyone else.