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Guilt and resentment are valid feelings but fickle guides. My hubs has gone no-contact contact w/his malig narc mom for 15 years. He makes sure she's clean, well fed and always safe. But he refuses to interact beyond hello, goodbyes. No opportunity for emotional swipes. He's respectfully honoring her as a son and keeping his sanity. It took years to reach this point but he's finally at peace.

I admire your concern for your difficult mom and pray you'll prioritize as you must. Take care of yourself. Aloha.
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Most definitely NOT alone! My sisters and I have been there. The only thing I will add to the other comments is that because I was getting trauma therapy while caring for my mom, I, unlike my sister, was able to change our relationship enough to be a peace and resolve some critical pieces. When scared and upset she could be very mean, but I learned to set better boundaries, and to turn to myself to give me what I needed, rather than looking to her to give me what she could not. Finally I realized that my parents both had developmental trauma also, therefore they were UNABLE to provide more than they did. It was not their fault, even though the harm was real. Knowing that allowed me move forward in a healthier way.
My mom just passed and I am so grateful for the healing of the past few years! I pray you all can find similar resolution!
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It is hard, I know, to feel obligated and also resentful for past injuries. You can help from afar by providing resource info to your mother and offering her help only as you feel comfortable in doing. To do more and let yourself feel resentful and further mistreated will be on you.
No one can remake the past, but we don't need to hold on to feelings that cause us pain. But to overlook an elderly person's needs would be inhumane; and you posting your concerns show you are a caring, empathetic but hurting individual.
Let it go! You're not the child any longer, and this life is yours to live, happy and healthy. If contact with your mother grieves you, slowly but aggressively decrease the time you spend involved with mom and her issues or with anyone causing you distress. Provide those resources that might be able to help her, and give her the freedom to help herself through those contacts.
And live your life!
I understand your feelings. It's taken me 18 months to move on. You can, too.
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Based on what you are saying, taking on this role would be very damaging to your mental health. Your mother (and father) have taken enough happiness and mental health from you already. In addition to that, unless taking care of your mom would be the only thing you will do with your life, you simply cannot do it. If you have a job or children/grandchildren, how will you balance all of this? Take my word for this as I have experienced a similar childhood and my mother is now nearly 96 years old, her needs are only going to increase. They will increase to the point that you will not be able to handle them, but she will demand that you do. You have a right to a life and happiness. There's a reason your siblings have said no. Prioritize yourself. It's not selfish. It's mandatory for your happiness and survival.
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Beethoven13 Jul 30, 2025
Agree. Help her hire caregiver support. Private caregiver or agency caregiver. Ask for word of mouth referral about private caregivers from neighbors or senior center or local hospice. This will be self pay and out of pocket expense. $5,000-$8,000 dollars per month is not unusual. Depending on her needs and hours per day. Private caregiver costs less and the money goes directly to the caregiver. If she has money, spend it on her care. If she has no money, engage a social worker to investigate Medicaid nursing home and back away. There is no reason you should be tagged with this and you siblings just disappear. Take care of yourself first. Read the stories on this site and you will get much information and insight.
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I didn't have an awful childhood. But there was a lot of dismissiveness of my emotional needs, i.e., you're too sensitive, you're making a mountain out of a molehill, stop being dramatic.

So when my mom developed dementia and her lifelong anxiety skyrocketed, I found myself feeling quite vengeful. Not a good thing.

I could never have provided my mother with kind and understanding care. She got much more understanding and comfort in a good NH.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 31, 2025
@Barb

You did the right thing by putting your mother into a nursing home where she got the understanding and comfort she needed that you couldn't provide.

I cannot provide the understanding, comfort, and companionship my mother needs either. Even if I had the time, I simply could not do it because there is just too much abusive and manipulative history there. I will not have her living with me for any reason either. If she gets to the point where homecare isn't enough or she can't afford live-in care, she goes into a facility. The same goes for my senior in-laws who want to move in. Not happening. I have legal documents that my husband and I agreed to before we remarried. This document done by a lawyer, states along the lines of neither of us will move in any family members to become caregivers, nor will either of us relocate and move into a family member's home to do the same.

I am so done with hands-on caregiving for family or anyone else.
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