The Easter Fight. Am I abusing my power of attorney by restraining them?

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I'm still shaking as I type this...

So, my sister (the one with the bratty, ungrateful kid that called me selfish) wanted to visit Dad for Easter. I was OK with her and her husband coming to visit, and I knew they would need some assistance with his new oxygen apparatus.

Imagine my surprise (and subsequent RAGE) when I walk through Daddy's door to find the bratty niece sitting on his sofa!!!!! I saw RED!!!!! I spun on my heels, walked out the door and slammed it. I knew that spending any time in that situation would potentially land me an assault charge. When I get that angry, I disengage in order to protect myself or the person on the receiving end of my wrath.

I had almost made it to the entrance of the facility when my sister walks outside. It was all downhill from there. Let's just say my language was colorful... something to the affect of "Get that ungrateful so-and-so out of my father's apartment" which she responded to with colorful language. I basically told her to go back upstairs and I left.

Mind you...other people were watching this in astonishment. So I now look unstable and crazy for blowing up.

The brat sent me a TEXT (notice how she can never speak to me directly) in response to the situation which I didn't even read.

I'm embarrassed on my behalf because I gave into stereotypical African American behavior (something I strive hard to fight against as an educated black woman) by yelling and cursing in the parking lot of a public place.

This just fuels the "family's" fire of me being erratic, unstable... blah blah blah.

I want to place a restraining order against this niece and have her on the do-not-visit list of my Dad's place. Is that selfish?

I really can not stand my whole family dynamic. It's always been dysfunctional, but Dad's illness just makes it worse.

I'm just exhausted. If I cut them off, I'll be the big bad daughter that's limiting Dad from seeing his "family" who didn't give a crap about him in the first place.

Am I abusing my POA by restraining them? Happy ______ing Easter.

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Yay! And I like the analogy of the "pause button".
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AMEN kdcm1011!!! I'm going to regain my life.

I've decided that Dad AND I are better off if we move him to the full Assisted Living side of his current facility. The independent living and assisted living buildings are right next door to each other.

I'm sure I'll have a few OMG moments during the transition, and I fully expect some resistance, but two years of placing my life on hold to feed my own guilt and sense of obligation is enough.

I'm looking forward to looking for another full time job that pays what I'm worth because I will have the freedom to travel and know that Dad will be OK. I'm only 38. There's no reason why my life should come to a screeching halt. No one else in the "family" pressed the pause button. Why should I??

Thanks for helping me navigate through this!!
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I forgot....do you live with Dad or is he in some sort of facility? I ask because I, too, was angry at myself for not setting boundaries like everyone else did, had no life because "someone had to be there for Mom & no one else is", was overwhelmed and under appreciated, and was envious of, angry at, and hateful of my siblings because .....well, just because.

I joined a caregiver support group when Mom moved in with us. It was there I realized I (like everyone else in the group) had the personality trait of being a "fixer". We all felt we and only we could fix things. That morphed into no one else in the family even trying because they knew we would do it if left long enough.

From there and from this group I gained the strength to say ENOUGH! What about me? I, too, am entitled to a life. So I called a family meeting & told my 3 siblings it wasn't working out with Mom living in my home, it was disrupting too many lives, and either one of them had to take her or she had to move back into her own home (which they were in the process of cleaning out to sell) & 24/7 care was to be arranged & managed by sister who lived 2 miles away from Mom (I was 60 miles away) or we had to place her in Assisted Living. If no decision was made, I had planned on taking Mom on a "visit" to sister & leaving her there.

Assisted Living it was and within 2 weeks Mom was there. She wasn't happy, but I sure was! I had my life back. And my sanity. And my marriage.

I tell you all this, Tinyblu, because it sure sounds like you're feeling all the same thing....even more so. Yeah, I wanted to tell them all to stick it. Yeah, I wanted to get all that rage out of me. But once I decided to focus on ME & what was best for me, I realized they all weren't worth it. Too much effort to do that, & I wanted all my efforts to be positive ones for me.

So my visits with Mom are just that....visits. The ALF is close to sister, so I backed off & leave all the BS for her to deal with. She keeps trying to push it back on me and I say "if I get a chance" and then never find the chance. Oh, and to add insult to injury, sister and I are both POA for the last 10 years, but she never told me or gave me the piece of paper the lawyer gave her to give me. So she has been handling & skimming $$$ all these years. NOW she wants me to get involved....I just tell her she is doing a fine job so let's leave well enough alone. And I make sure nothing points to me .

As someone wrote on here a long time ago....Our parents lived their lives. No where is it written that we are to give up ours so they can continue to live theirs.

You can do this!
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Tinyblu keep your chin up! Glad you"re finding your way..
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Hi All...

I'm doing a little better today. As I continue to navigate the waters of Dad's decreasing health, I had a turning point.

I realized (with help of therapist) that I am somewhat responsible for my own martyrdom by NOT taking somewhat of a stand. I also realized once I got "under the hood" of the anger, that a lot of it stems from resenting all of THEM for having the life I wish I had.

Bratty niece had the freedom to do young girl things and go outside and play while I spent the majority of my childhood cleaning up adult messes that I never SHOULD have had to clean up. I unconsciously resented that so it is no wonder that her judgement takes me over the edge when she really has NO idea what I go through.

I resent my sister (Bratty's mom) for having the freedom to coupon with friends (all of mine have dwindled away because I'm never available to go out with them), to participate in a running group (when I gained 25 pounds because care giving exhausts me to the point that I can't work out 4 times a week like I used to) or go on mini vacations with her hubby (my relationship broke up after I started caregiving and I can barely afford my rent from month to month) so the fact that she doesn't even ACKNOWLEDGE my sacrifice while she lives her life is infuriating.

The truth is... all of these judgemental you-know-what's wouldn't last a week doing what I'm doing, and I'm working on getting to the point of being OK with taking my life back. I'm still young and shouldn't have to throw my life away because Dad is old and sick.

I'm doing the best I can, and all the nay sayers need to just stick it (how I wish I could find the courage to tell THEM that)!
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It sounds that with all the dysfunction in your life growing up Tinyblu, that you learned survival skills, but not much in the way of congeniality. That can be a handicap in adult life. I would try to gain some skills to deal with it, instead of raising your blood pressure and giving you an ulcer.

I would suspect that anger management skills would also help you in other areas of your life, not just dealing with the family ordeal. I would explore it as others have suggested. Even though it sounds like you were treated very unfairly and that you have suffered, having poor emotional control skills will not serve you well in life. ( Allowing others to push your buttons only works to help them in the long run.) It makes it difficult to be in relationships and severely limits you in the business world. I wish you all the best.
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I feel for you. It seems like you have been through a lot. You don't have to forgive and forget but I feel you do need to work on breaking the dysfunction cycle. As long as your dad is still alive you will invariable cross their paths. When you visit your dad and walk in on him with visitors you don't wish to be around just say "Oh, I didn't know you had visitors" and walk out. I learned that you can't change people, you can only change yourself. Best to you
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Fakebook is what I call it. Wish I was smart enough to have bought the stock in the beginning. Ahh well......

Tinyblu, are you doing better today. Do NOT let those bimbos control your life by getting a rise out of you. Though I know exactly how you feel re my BIL & his wife. I absolutely cannot stand them....don't even want to breathe the same air as them. So I avoid them at all costs. When I do have to be around them, I humor myself by being so sickeningly sweet to them -- all the time holding an open paper clip in my hand and jabbing myself while imagining it being jabbed at them. Or something like that.
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kdcm - isn't that the truth! Can you imagine ending a relationship by way of "unfriending"? If it weren't for the fact I bought FB stock at around $20 a share - Id be happy to see the whole site just go away! A good investment financially but I'd never invest a minute of my personal business there!
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Tinyblu, block her on FB or just don't get notifications from her. Rainmom, I am horrified, too, with what people are airing on FB. Just another venue for bullies to be a bully.
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