I'm still shaking as I type this...

So, my sister (the one with the bratty, ungrateful kid that called me selfish) wanted to visit Dad for Easter. I was OK with her and her husband coming to visit, and I knew they would need some assistance with his new oxygen apparatus.

Imagine my surprise (and subsequent RAGE) when I walk through Daddy's door to find the bratty niece sitting on his sofa!!!!! I saw RED!!!!! I spun on my heels, walked out the door and slammed it. I knew that spending any time in that situation would potentially land me an assault charge. When I get that angry, I disengage in order to protect myself or the person on the receiving end of my wrath.

I had almost made it to the entrance of the facility when my sister walks outside. It was all downhill from there. Let's just say my language was colorful... something to the affect of "Get that ungrateful so-and-so out of my father's apartment" which she responded to with colorful language. I basically told her to go back upstairs and I left.

Mind you...other people were watching this in astonishment. So I now look unstable and crazy for blowing up.

The brat sent me a TEXT (notice how she can never speak to me directly) in response to the situation which I didn't even read.

I'm embarrassed on my behalf because I gave into stereotypical African American behavior (something I strive hard to fight against as an educated black woman) by yelling and cursing in the parking lot of a public place.

This just fuels the "family's" fire of me being erratic, unstable... blah blah blah.

I want to place a restraining order against this niece and have her on the do-not-visit list of my Dad's place. Is that selfish?

I really can not stand my whole family dynamic. It's always been dysfunctional, but Dad's illness just makes it worse.

I'm just exhausted. If I cut them off, I'll be the big bad daughter that's limiting Dad from seeing his "family" who didn't give a crap about him in the first place.

Am I abusing my POA by restraining them? Happy ______ing Easter.

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My father always said to me "it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, you do the right thing". So I've lived my life this way and had it come back to bite me on the butt more than once. But I will continue to strive to do the right thing - my father was a kind, generous man respected and loved by many - I believe his advice to be good. So, I send that advice your way. You be the good person, the bigger more generous person. If you think theyre awful now, just wait till you give them fuel by "isolating, kidnapping, controlling" or whatever inflammatory word they may come up with - if you begin to restrict your fathers visitors. I'm not sure I'd vote for any attempt at a family meeting to try to smooth things over - sounds like you all may be well past that at this point. Here's what I do with my brother that is forever criticizing me. I do my job. I inform him when I think it's something he needs to know or may cause me more drama if he finds out a different way. When he disagrees or criticizes a decision I make I remind him it was mine to make and mine alone. When he blows up at me I remind him I am a grown @$$ woman not the little sister that he use to bully but can't bully me anymore - then I tell him I would be happy to continue the discussion when he is ready to be civil - hang up the phone or walk out of the building. It's amazing how great it feels to be the mature one, the civil one, the one in control! Give it a shot.
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You can't control everything; only how you react to it. You gotta work on that. Especially those situations where you see red. I speak from experience. Am better at it with some people than others. Unless tthey are physically or emotionally abusing your dad, you have no authority or right to stop the visits. In fact, it could be construed as emotional abuse if you do & who knows where that would lead. Certainly not worth it to win the battle but lose the war (another thing I am learning thru experience with family members who push my buttons).

You are better than this. Better than that crazy woman that came out in the parking lot yesterday. They WANT you to act like the crazy woman (again, I speak from experience) because it somehow justifies to them their own actions. Many times now I avoid entirely or walk away singing "Let It Go" in my head. Yes, it's hard, but we can do this. {hugs}
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i used to retreat clear out of the picture when people came to visit my mom. so , yea , i think you are overreacting . safety and finances should be your concern , not much else .
im not trying to be snarfly because everything is complicated in elder care and we all succumb to emotion sometimes .. you may need your family at some point so dont drive them away ..
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Tinyblu, I know you have an unusual family situation and that there is a lot of anger. I wish you could all sit down and talk. Sometimes I think your father is pitting you one against the other with his phone calls. I just read back on one of your messages where he told your stepmom that you were yelling and cussing at him, then couldn't remember doing it.

Why did it upset you so badly to see your niece sitting on the sofa? And do you think your father could be setting up this family dysfunction? Maybe it would be best to try to get the sane family people together and figure out what is going on. It would be great to pull together more, instead of battling at each other -- particularly if the battles are being orchestrated by things going on behind the scene.

And whatever you do, don't hurt yourself to try to serve your father. We have to remember how important we are, and that our needs count just as much. If we don't take care of ourselves, no one will. Big hugs to you as you work through this. Don't let the anger eat you from inside. I know that it can. I am forever wrestling with my own anger over the unfairness of things.
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Yes. You are abusing your POA, he is their father and grandfather too. I know they make you mad, but you have to bite your tongue and walk away when they visit. Your father does not deserve to see what goes on with his children, so be civil, as hard as it is.
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Emotional pain turned outward is anger. Emotional pain turned inward is depression.
Your anger is coming from your pain. Your pain is splattered all over your last post. It sounds like your whole childhood was a bummer (like mine), endless women in the house (me too! My dad took the "lady" into the bedroom, told me not to come in and shut the door.), violence (me too! He threw a crystal ashtray at me, missing my head by an inch) abandonment of siblings (I am an only child, but my divorced parents were alcoholics). I, too, did it all. My dad had been awful to me growing up. I loved him but I hated him too. I was so stinkin' mad when, in my 40's, I had to move my debilitated, sick dad near me to take care of him. I remember sitting on my bed screaming at God, " WHY do I have to do this?" "I don't deserve this. Didn't I go through enough?" I was so mad that I had to hold things together, once again. There was no way I could be my dad's caregiver with all that anger. I decided to pretend he was my patient (I'm a nurse) instead of my dad. That helped somewhat. I realized that the anger was consuming ME and was a cover-up for pain. Then I had a "poor me-pity party" with a good cry. It's hard to let go of anger because we've been wronged. Of course we're mad about it. But you MUST let it go, not for them, but for your own well being. Anger is like cancer, it only gets worse if you don't cut it out. Why would you withhold happiness from your life to spend the energy to hate someone? There are many fine books and groups for anger management. Check them out. A friend of mine and I use the phrase, "Let it go!"
Unless your father doesn't want to see these people who irritate YOU, you shouldn't keep him from seeing them. Just don't be there when they are visiting. I wish the best for you.
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So I decided to calm down and not restrict the people with whom I share DNA from my dad for HIS sake. I truly hate them all.

I did specify that they must let me know WHO is coming and WHEN so I can stay far, far away. I can't even occupy space with them and we don't have to share the same space. They can visit Dad without me being there.

Bratty niece took her tyrade to Facebook (what is it with young people and cyber courage?) basically calling me a coward... almost taunting me. Who does that?

Thanklessjob, thank you soooo much! It helps to know that I'm not the only one that has been through HE** and still trying to do the right thing.

Nothing irritates me more than when people see my Dad and I and say something cliche like "You're going to be blessed..." I don't care about the future. I just want peace now.

I don't like being the bigger person. I've had to do that all my life (even when I just wanted to be a normal little girl).

I just wish all of this would end.
Helpful Answer (3)

Tinyblu, you sound like you are about to break with all the stress, the losses in your life, and the accusations from others plus the guilt and false guilt coming from inside your own head must just be crushing you in the middle. It is no wonder you have lost perspective. Honestly - yes - I'd vote you let them see your Dad. It is not about what they deserve or don't deserve, it is not even about how they are treating you, it is about what may make your Dad happy. You are not in charge of karma. You are in charge of being the responsible adult acting in the best interest of another person - that's what POA is. And you can't realistically expect your niece to speak with you directly when she knows good and well that you hate her for whatever she said to you that made you hurt even more than you were already hurting. Have a good great big all out cry, let the "red" hot anger subside a bit, and then you probably should read her text. It is Easter after all, and the celebration of the ultimate victory of the One who paid the ultimate price because of his ultimate mercy on us all.
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Who would of thought a Disney tune would become the anthem for caregivers dealing with dementia and dementia related family issues? I tend to hum the song from The Wizard of Oz - " if I only had a brain, a heart, some courage..."
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tinyblu ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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