Am I abandoning my mom?

Everyone has an opinion, especially if they are not bearing any of the responsibility that goes with that opinion. The important thing is that your family came to consensus, which I know personally can be very emotional and take a lot of time. It is so very crucial that you preserve yourself in all of this. It is so very difficult for us to deal with the "cycle of life", especially when facing dementia and serious chronic illness of a loved one. My internal decision "rule" was that when my sister - with Alzheimers - became a danger to herself or others, it would be time to move her into a Memory Home. We reached this point when she fell and broke a rib. We placed her in a facility where she could safely pace 10 hours a day - don't know whether she is doing this due to anxiety or whether it is an AD "loop." In any event, it sounds like your mother has definitely reached a point where safety is an issue, for her and for you. PLEASE don't beat yourself up about your FAMILY'S decision. I can't say that things will get easier after your mother moves, but you will have some space and can decide when you are in a "place" mentally, emotionally and physically to interact with her.

I have been there - done that, etc. I was a Power of Attorney for someone and it was a nightmare in hell. No one wanted her placed but the husband who had his own issues could not handle the situation. She is obviously NOT normal and it will get worse. The fact that you bear the burdens and are suffering due to the impact on you makes it simple decision. YOU have the right to live your life and while everyone would like to see YOU taking care of her, YOU can't without much harm to you. Your job is to place her at once where she is cared for and monitored and YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST. Ignore what people say - they are not the ones being impacted or caring for her - you are. She needs to be removed so you can take care of yourself as you should.

you need to take care of yourself first - What others think can serve as input for you, but the bottom line is you've got to do what is bets for you. The fact that you have involved your family and you have several problems yourself along with the fact that you care about doing the right thing shows that you are making the right decision for your mom and for you. It is natural to have some second thoughts as this is not an easy decision. If the stay in the facility doesn't work out, you can always make changes. Give it a try for probably 6 months. My experience is that most times [assuming a good facility] is that everyone adjusts and finds it beneficial. You can let the friend know you appreciate her concern, and that she can visit [you might even offer to drive her there for a visit occasionally]. also recommend that you see attorney to set up POA.
Best of luck to you!

Forget the friend - period. Until ANYONE walks the path you traveled, lived your sorrow, your doubt, your pain, and your fear, no one other than g-d, can judge your decisions.

I am going through the same thing. I've been caring for my mom, 24 hour care, PEG, hoyer, full ADL's with a malignant pathological narcissistic husband for 1.5 years. Gave up everything & it's finally taking a toll on me. My life or hers; I see it clearly now. You and only you can make that decision; the breaking point, when you know, for the last time, when you've had enough, when you've weighed all of you options and you know that any option will cause you pain, but which pain will be more freeing. I am trying my last and final option now and then, I too will have to make that decision, not only because I'm unable to work, depleting my savings account to keep her (and her healthy savings, which will go to her husband) alive but because it's depleting me mentally and physically. I was once strong as an ox, and while I'm still strong, I feel that I'm half the person I once was. I'm not happy and that reflects on the quality of care I am providing her. I want better for us both and I know you feel the same way.

Guilt is the thief of life ~ much easier said than felt (TRUST ME). I've learned over the past year and half that our parents become selfish in their old age; heroes that once made their children a priority above all, now put themselves first, and not maliciously but almost as a warped safety mechanism. They still love us unconditionally but something changes, like you said, not dementia but they're not the same. I realized when my mom lost her 'motherly instinct', that it was time that I get serious about my life; it was a game changer.

You see the light, and at your pace, you will make the best (not right, there is no right) decision for you and your mom.

Stay strong (for us both) and for mom!

I am so proud of you for reaching out for support. At the end of the day YOU are the primary caretaker of your mom. No one knows the complexities of being the caregiver unless you have walked that path. Having your mom’s friend share her feelings is one thing. But it is a dangerous situation if your mom has left items on the stove. Since your family has agreed on an assisted living quarters you need to carry out that plan. Please try to have support from an outside source . Coming to terms with placing your mother will be a challenge beyond compare. But you have the strength to do it out of Love and concern for your mother. You only get One. God Bless Yours because she has a wonderful, caring daughter. Good luck in the days ahead. Keep me posted when you can.

Hello.

who can tell what any facility is actually like until a person is living there but quite honestly im looking forward to living someplace where im cared for and my room is cleaned, my meals are fixed for me, and entertainment is provided if i am interested.

cant your moms friend visit her there instead of your house ? Maybe shes jealous ?

maybe your sibs just dont want to pay for something for your mom that youre doing for free ???

3 years ago when I told my mom's friend that I was placing her in AL...she said B***S***.. I told her that she had no idea how much my mom wasn't able to live in her house anymore. You see...my mom could still drive. She never got lost. Her friend Marylee was legally blind. My mom picked her up everyday and they went out to eat. Now Marylee would not have her driver. I took them both to McDonald's for their last lunch together. Marylee cried. She sincerely loved my mom and she was gonna really miss her. When I told Marylee that one day she may need to go into AL or a NH she replied NEVER!!! WELL 7 months later Marylee fell out of bed and broke her pelvis. She ended up going to AL and hated it. She ended up dying in a NH a couple months ago. Listen to your gut. You are not abandoning her.❤

It’s the guilt that gets you, the tiny nagging feeling that you’re trying to get out of helping your own mother.
My mother was a volatile, angry, yeller and screamer - then a sad, apathetic cryer the next minute. She also had a lovely, smiley, pleasant side. I helped her for years. Because of her emotional needs, I ruined my health and my emotional stability. The guilt needs to be understood. Why was it that I couldn’t just hire someone for her care and walk away? I think it’s because, after years with her, I essentially became her mother.
Guilt, I think, overtook me because I knew I could keep helping my mother, but I didn’t want to. Right there is the catch. It felt like I didn’t want to, but the truth is that my entire psyche was telling me that I had to stop. Guilt told me that I must help. Reason told me to stop.
Emotion always hits first. Guilt is emotion. I had to get myself to a place where I knew that it was actually an emergency to get away from my mother, since I was falling apart and I couldn’t fix anything for my mother. She would continue to get worse because all people get old and begin to fall apart. There was nothing to fix. It’s sad. It’s nobody’s fault.

Your mother's friend has no business telling you what to do with your mother. I would have probably told her to leave. ALFs are not perfect but can provide more care for your parent that you could, especially as their health deteriorates. My mother stayed with us for a while and we quickly realized she needed more care than we could provide. We were under a lot of stress and guilt dealing with her various medical issues. Our guilt diminished after we moved her in an ALF and she seemed to get accustomed to her room, accommodations, and socializing with other residents.

Can you get her a live in caregiver? Perhaps partial trade for room and board?

No problem, have her best friend take her in.

I agree with the poster who says earlier placement is better than later. Firstly, she’ll be able to enjoy the companionship and activities the ALF offers. I am staying with mom as her caretaker in her ALF now (temporarily). The place is great! But my mom is cognitively past being able to enjoy it or function alone in her apartment. The sooner your mom adjusts to her new apartment as home, the better. That way as she declines mentally, the change won’t add to that problem. You are not abandoning her. But you have abandoned yourself and are looking for a compromise where your life and health are not sacrificed. Unfortunately, we can’t turn back time. Your mom is in a new phase of life with the care she needs. Her life is not going to look like what it did 5 years ago. And you cannot fix that, even with all your love. I am struggling with this right now, too, because for my mom to stay at her ALF—which is what she wants—I would have to move in here permanently. As great as the place is, I don’t want to do that. We, too, are having to find a compromise.
Best of luck to us both!

Trust me, been there done that. You ARE NOT being horrible. Get her to the AL asap so your health doesn't deteriorate more. There will be an adjustment period, but she will be in a safe place and that will allow you to heal and get your health back. Give her friend her new address and let her friend visit her there. Best wishes.

Keep in mind that it may not be a smooth transition, it will take time for BOTH of you to adjust, physically and emotionally. It's perfectly normal and understandable for you to have doubts and for your mom to feel scared. Safety is of utmost concern. If you have done your research and you feel this is a well run and attentive place where your Mom will eventually fit in and thrive, then go for it and don't look back. Be sure to encourage your siblings and her best friend to visit often. Listen, nothing is irreversible. You can always pull her out if down the line it is really not working. In that case you can use those funds to hire a caretaker in-home for her. Keep us posted!

If you do not have help, your health is negatively impacted, and your mother does things that are not safe - she needs to go to assisted living or memory care unit.

Her friend is expressing that she will miss having your mom next door. Give her friend contact information and address of her new "home." Encourage mom's friend to go visit her there.

You (and your family) are responsible for making sure that your mother is in a safe place and well cared for, but you do not have to be the one to do it. It's already dangerous to leave her alone with the stove. Your primary responsibility is to take care of your own health so that you can be there for her. You must have this discussion with your mother. Remind her that the family has not been helping out. Have you taken her to visit the facility that you are thinking of? It will be better if she sees and likes it. There are many advantages for seniors living in assisted living. They have professional staff to take care of them, they have age-appriate activities, and there will be plenty of other seniors there. Maybe she can make new friends. Can you assure her that you will continue to visit and can take her places to eat out and shop, etc. Perhaps you can bring your mother's friend to visit her when she is there. Good luck! I hope you can convince her that this is the best solution.

You are making the right decision. I just placed Mom 2 days ago for very similar reasons after about a year and half of living with her. Everyone except my Aunt (who is being so horrible) has been supportive. Mom is having a very hard time adjusting and I cry all day and night. She moved from AL to Memory care the first day. Might be temporary, we shall see. They asked me to give her a few days to settle before coming back because it has been so hard on her. Yesterday she had a great day and called me happy! Today was a set back and she called me confused wondering why she was in a hospital. Expect set backs and perhaps a very rough transition. BUT it is necessary and will get better. My health has also slipped and I hope to focus on that as Mom settles. Based on my experience it is best to do earlier than later. I think Mom would have settled in easier if she was more able to remember things and understand. But I have faith that she will continue to make baby steps and eventually settle. Prayers for you and your Mom!

Just like they tell you on an airplane...put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else.  You are not being selfish.  You are still taking care of your mom by finding the right care for her with trained professionals that are available 24/7.  You are also looking out for the health of her daughter...YOU.

If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with your moms best friend.  This is a courtesy conversation, because she isn't the one caring for your mom...it's not her call.  Explain to her that the stress of caregiving is causing you health issues and this is the best decision for all involved.  Explain to her that her emotional outburst about the decision is not helping you or your mom.  Tell her you would appreciate it if she could be more positive around your mom.  After all...you're not sentencing your mom to death.  You are moving her to a nice assisted living apartment where three shifts of young, fresh, professionally trained caregivers can give her what she needs.  Her friend can visit her every day is she chooses, but not if she is going to be negative and crying and getting your mom all worked up about it.

It aged me horribly taking care of mom.  When I moved her to assisted living, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my chest.  You are doing the right thing.

No one can do alone what you've been doing, not for long. Don't let anyone guilt you.

In perspective, not only is your health and safety at risk (what if you were napping instead of walking, and the house caught fire???), but this is a safety issue for both you and your Mom. As caregivers, we have to put safety first. I think on the grounds of safety, your Mom requires supervision 24/7 to be in an environment where she cannot be a hazzard to herself or others. Your house is not that, and you can't make it that way unless you hire an aide to be there all the time. Ask your siblings if they will cough up the dough for that?

Aside from that, this friend that came over, why doesn't she offer to sit with your Mom on a regular basis so you get a break and have a life? If she's so concerned about your Mom and stirring up your Mom about the move, put that question to her. She'll either back off or commit to putting her money where her mouth is.

Sorry for my agressive post. This pushed a button in me. I'm so over how non caregivers judge a caregiver when they, sympathetic or not, really have NO CLUE of our caregiver reality. I support your decision. Hard as it is, sounds like it's time for Mom to live in a safer home. Since she's mobile and semi-capable. there's no way you - or any of us - could provide that in our private home.

Sunny, absolutely not! You are the one soley taking care of your mom, and if you are feeling burnout, you not are capable of taking care of your mom anymore. I've been in your shoes, and took care of my mom for 6 years, it was devastating to mine and my husband's health. My relationship with my mom, became a caregiver role, and should would not eat, hydrate, or leave her room much when in our care. My mom had type II diabetes, kidney issues, and obesity, and had a stroke at age 74, which caused her to have cardio vascular dementia. She became a danger to herself, and could not be left alone. The executive functioning in her brain was damaged by the stroke, affecting her short term memory and ability to function safely, and normally. I was forced to quit my mom to tend to her. So, we made the decision to find assisted living placement for her. Thankfully, her pension pays for it. She is now 76, and been in an assisted living with her own room since 0ctober of 2019. She has lost 60 lbs, getting out with friends her age, participating in activities, and thriving. She listens to the staff, unlike she did for us. So, do what is best for you and your mental and physical health. Don't let others guilt you, especially if you are the only one caring for her. Your mom will adjust, and you will get your life back, amd have a healthier relationship with your mom. We now enjoy being mom and daughter, go to lunches and shopping, movies and dinner. I love her very much, and know you love your mom. Sometimes this is the best decision for all involved. Go with your gut. Wishing you all the best in this situation.

Your mom’s friend is not taking care of her. You are. What happens if you get too sick to care for your mom? There’s a reason airlines tell mothers to put their oxygen mask on before putting one on their child. It’s difficult for family to agree on something like assisted living so be glad they finally did. Listen to those symptom flares. The protesters and guilt mongers are never the caregivers.

I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging and prepared a workshop I was giving. In my research I found a study that showed, all other things being equal, caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than others of similar age. That was shocking and sobering for myself and the attendees. Do take care of yourself. No one else is.

Assisted living is not the same as a nursing home. People picture the worst of nursing home situations and make assumptions. Clearly you want the best for your mom. You can visit her every day. People are often surprised by how nice these places are.

This is so difficult to do, but do it! I didn’t even realize how much I was effected by caring for my mom for 22 months pretty much on my own with some paid help so I could do a few things. I finally put my mom in a personal care home for a respite stay which turned in to a permanent stay. Now instead of being the one caring for her, I am now the daughter who visits and we enjoy the time. It is not easy to leave her but necessary. Let her friend know she can visit your mom and enjoy time with her. There is never a perfect solution. If it ends up that it is not the place, you can always change your mind later. Just make sure you know how long you have to pay if you suddenly take her out. My life now is so different and tears are shed for mom, but stay the course and do what you need to do.

No one could say it better than Lov2teach. Head off future rivalries with all agreeing on someone having durable power of attorney and health directive. Your mother will be in an "assisted" living facility, not a nursing home, until her condition deteriorates. I think addressing it as her condo or patio home is excellent. Have her favorite family photos prepared for her new surroundings, along with familiar personal items, linens, etc. Suggest to siblings an organized schedule of regular visitation to reassure your mother. Having her favorite magazines delivered, plants, newspaper, a cell phone to chat with her friends can all ease the shock of transition. Guilt is counterproductive of what you are trying to achieve. Your siblings need to join you as a loving, united front unless one of them offers to take her in their home. Your family is blessed to have choices. My brother has been in 3 different hospital ICUs, and now in a rehab that led to nursing home. This has gone on for 8 months with his begging me to take him home during every visit. His being on a trach/vent with post-polio syndrome requires 24 hr skilled nursing, making that impossible at this point. I have no assist, my 2 siblings vanished when he didn't come home in a week. I keep the crushing guilt at bay by acknowledging his condition, and my limitations. Your mother's well-meaning friend may have increased your mother's anxiety due her own fears of advancing decline. You will be unable to care for your mother if you become the patient. May God bless you.

I went through something similar with my late father, who had Parkinsons's before there were good drugs, so he was paranoid and believed I was his mean sister as opposed to his guardian, appointed at age 26 when Mother dropped dead suddenly. He was in the hospital and needed to go to skilled PT, which only a nursing home I knew well offered that. (I was the County's Financial Worker for that and other facilities and had toured it and knew it to be the very best.) He wasn't going to go (and I sympathized, because very few want to leave their own home), and he refused until our social worker explained that Medicare wouldn't pay for another day in the hospital. After he got to know the therapists and staff, he loved it and praised staff there specifically for being gentle, as he also had severe and unmitigated body-wide arthritis. I felt bad but gave it up to God and after it all, I was very grateful when he died in relative comfort. You're doing the ONLY thing, as I did - I even asked his doctor, if I gave up my own career and took care of him, could he come home. I was told I would kill him, as I was not an RN and did not have the PT equipment his condition required. God bless you and take care of you, not just your mom.

Short answer is you are making the right decision. You didn’t come to this decision overnight. You and your mother will be better off. You cannot go on letting your own health and well being be in jeopardy.

Her best friend has no say in this situation. My own mother had “friends” that wanted to interfere in my decision making. Yet they took no responsibility at all for her care, and they watched while she went downhill and lived in squalor and did nothing about it.

Guilt is a useless emotion. The assisted living move is the first of MANY hard decisions YOU will need to make on behalf of your mother in the future. You need to be healthy and in a better head space to continue this journey. Letting well meaning friends and hands-off family members make you doubt yourself is not helping you at all. You have done a great job for the last 16 months. You tried and are smart and strong enough to recognize it’s not working. You thought this through. Trust yourself.

My heart goes out to you! I cried and cried and cried before putting mom in AL and then she got quickly moved to Memory Care because she kept walking out the door down the busy street or into the woods. On the third day in MC I came to visit and heard loud disco 🕺 music playing. I peeked through the window and there was mom out in the middle of the dance floor 💃🏼 dancing away! It was “Prom Night” 2:30pm to 3:30pm with popcorn 🍿 and snacks. What a difference from her sleeping most of the day and sitting around our house ( she’s 92 ) and wearing me out both physically and emotionally. You just might be pleasantly surprised - but it was still a hard move initially.

Whether you are doing the right thing is totally up to you. Would an aide in the home be of assistance? If you feel you cannot care for her and she is not safe alone, then what are your choices? As for your siblings who have removed themselves from care, well they don't get a vote in this unless they are going to take on care at least 2 -3 times a week.

Your mom's best friend is not the one having to take care of your mother. Your mother's care has become too much for you.

Sunny2020,

A burnt pan house full of smoke 3x,? Very fortunate so far that nothing worse has happened. As far as the friend is concerned, I would ask her how many days of the week can she take to help take care of your mother for you? Unless she is willing to get into the trenches with you in regards to your mother she needs to stop making it worse by her actions. I am sure she truly loves your mother, but what is best for your mother is what is important. And you with your health issues, if you are shut down your mother will end up in a facility anyway but without you being able to be there for her. My father HAS cognitive decline, and I still feel guilty. But I know its the best place for him to be. I visit him regularly take him shopping, take him to visit family. I still take him to his dr's appointments. And when he has his days of clarity is when it is really hard. But I remind myself of why he needs to be there. It will be a time of adjustment but you have to take care of yourself. Sorry so long, but this subject has been the hardest to deal with.

there are no perfect solutions with this illness … I can’t believe your mother enjoys her life at home with you , isolated, confused, bickering ,
and not safe…. Not to mention the decline in both of your health.
find the best care home you can afford …she will be well cared for and you’ll be a loving daughter bringing her goodies … she’ll have activities and lots company .
there’s always the guilt especially if they ask go home but nobody can do this job well in their home and you have to make decisions for both of you .. good luck and keep intouch
this is best place for help not those
‘drive by’ relatives and friends.