Am I abandoning my mom?

No one is required to sacrifice their life for another. Your mom's friend was completely out of line, so ignore her.

Mom will be safe and cared for, and you will be freed up to be a daughter again.

Her friend can visit, talk on the phone with her, and even take her to lunch if she likes -- Mom's not going to prison for crying out loud.

Change is hard for everyone, especially older people, but circumstances change and lead to the need for updates in living circumstances. You've done the right thing, and of course you haven't abandoned her.

You say they you've begged family members for help in the past. Are these family members your siblings? If they are then mom's care and the decision to place her is not solely yours to make.
Yes, you are doing the right thing if you cannot take care of her in your home anymore. It's not selfish to want your mom to be in a safe environment.
You went for a walk. She almost burned your house down. You can't provide the 24 hour supervision she needs to stay safe. Putting her in AL is the best decision.
She will probably like the place once she's acclimated to it. AL is not like a nursing home. Many of them take their residents a few times a week on outings and they have in-house activities going on too. It will be good for her.

Agree with MJ.

If you run yourself into the ground, what will happen to your mom then? If other people so critical with their almighty opinions don’t man up and do something themselves, you have no choice but to do what’s best for you AND your mom. Your mom cannot realize that this IS the best thing for her. She’s going to be looked after and you are going to get your life back.

I get the guilt - trust me, I do. But there is a certain freedom you gain when you realize that you’re making the best choice under difficult circumstances. Nothing is ever perfect. You are trying to keep your mother safe. These are good, valid concerns. Forgive yourself.

If the neighbor has transportation challenges, maybe you can ask her if she would like to accompany you on a visit after your mother has settled into AL.

Don't question your decision. You are taking care of your mom. Placing her in AL is what you need to do for yourself.

I almost want to suggest *you* move to the assisted living so you can get a break and a bit of a vacation! Just kidding there, but it really does sound like it’s overwhelming you from all sides. Your other post said your mother doesn’t even talk to you, so this can’t be the joyful living situation for her the siblings and neighbor are trying to make it appear to be.

Try very hard to emotionally detach yourself from all of it and them for a while. Accept within yourself that you have made a correct decision and stop defending it. Don’t argue with anyone. Whatever they say - like the neighbor - don’t respond at all, just turn away silently. Go to your room. Fix yourself a beverage and sip on it while they talk and you play a movie or song in your head that you like. Let them natter on without engaging you. Don’t listen. As you know, and I do too, stress can and will make a chromic illness worse. Try to let the stress be theirs and not yours.

Only one thing… push the timeline. Don’t let anyone stall or delay the move. Proceed as if it is a done deal not subject to debate any longer.

No your are not abandoning Mom. That burnt pan on the stove means she needs 24/7 care. Believe me, a load will be taken off your shoulders. No more worrying about what will she do next. You can visit when you want. Have time to yourself. And like said, she may end up enjoying it. The AL was so much better for my Mom. She had so much more freedom. My house is a 4 level split and I needed to keep her in the bottom level room because of all the stairs. The AL was one floor and she could walk the halls and end up in the Common area.

You may want to have a sit down with the friend. She needs to realize what you are doing is for the safety of your Mom. That with her Dementia she now needs more care than you can give with your chronic health problems. The burning of the corn could have been so much worse. You as a person can't be expected to be kept in a house 24/7 because you need to watch Mom every minute. Show her pictures of the place. You may want to tell her that its been recommended no visitation for a few days so Mom can adjust. And you will be glad to take her to visit after those few days. But this "is" permanent and you would appreciate her not playing into any negativity Mom may have. Make her visits a positive thing for Mom. I wouldn't say this to her now, but if the friend does cause Drama with Mom. You can ask that she not visit and have her banned from the AL. But this is something I wouldn't discuss with the friend unless it happens.

I would not tell the friend when the move will be made. I may not tell Mom till the day of maybe right before. My Mom was in her last stages of Dementia so we told her when we got there. "Mom, you are moving to your new apartment. You will make new friends"

This will not be easy. I had to harden myself so I didn't get upset. But its for the best. And ALs are really nice.

When someone leaves a pan on the stove and forgets it, that is more than a decline.

Yes you are doing the right thing. Get your mother’s friend onboard with the plan. She can visit your mother in assisted living and help her adjust to a new safer life with the benefit of friends, family and a 24/7 supervision.

Moving your mom into AL is the best thing for both of you. Those who are not actively involved in her caregiving cannot completely understand what it takes and so their advice is based mostly on emotion rather than reality and so doesn’t count. Another poster raised a good question… what if something happens to you? Will your siblings take her in? Will this friend? As others have advised, do not delay. If you found a place move her as soon as you can. She may be upset for awhile but most people adjust. My dad actually improved after he moved to AL because he got his medication consistently, ate better, and had more social interaction. Praying for you!

Hi Sunny,

No you are not abandoning her. I've been down this road myself, doing it alone while family members opted not to assist once a LTC was selected that met Mom and Dad's requirements but not the desires of my older siblings. One bro didn't visit him at the LTC once we'd buried Mom (21 months) and the other didn't bother for 16 months.
You have been tasked with the job of getting your mom to safety (which is what I did) and I'm sure your mom would not want your health to suffer any further. Take care of yourself and know that there are miles to go before you sleep so by having professionals care for her you will be better equipped to support this part of her life as situations arise. Best wishes.

Read David Seabury's book The Art of Selfishness. According to the book, yes you may be selfish but in a beneficial and a good way that would benefit both of you, and she may be happier in the facility where she can socialize with others.

I feel your pain…as a retired clinical nursing home staff member of 27 years I also struggled with the guilt and fear of placing mom. I finally was forced to put my mom {87 yrs old} in a safe place! First a memory care when the covid isolation pushed her into a Lewy Body extended confusion then after 11months she was ready for a secure assisted living apartment..{yup she calls it her apartment, her home}....a few friends even my age {70} had their opinions yet not one of them came over and did the hard work, bought the needed supplies, or cleaned up the urine. I did some counseling online and learned my job is to keep my mom safe not too satisfy onlookers!! Mom needs to make a life for herself as best she can. 6 months later my mom loves it in her assisted living facility 5 minutes from my apartment. She loves the company of others her age, the freedom to go outside in a beautiful safe fenced in area and the beautiful meals. I schedule us a play date 3x a week.. we do rides, hot fudge Sundae days and our favorite church. I am happier and she is content..Do the right thing and ignore others..Good Luck!!

My mom didn’t want a AL because she thought she could take care of herself. She saw it and it was not what she expected….much better. When she moved in, she loved it. It was private and now I am her daughter and advocate. The caregiving is taken care of by a village. She calls it her condo. I take her out for dental and eye appointments but everything else is done by the AL. She loves the food. As she has declined, she is content because she knows her way around and recognizes staff. It has been a win/win. I got a echo show so I can drop in and see her and she can see me. This has been good for her and me and the family. I created an email address for her and linked her calendar to the echo show so she can get reminders of meals and events. (TIP: if you tell Alexa to speak slower, she will! And you can also have her repeat reminders 3 times). Mom has been in AL for 12 months and it took her about 6 weeks to call it her condo. Since she is not an extrovert, I asked her to show me around. What she did was look around her self and then when I got there, she took me on the tour. :) Her friend can visit her and drop in with echo. Your mom is a fortunate woman to have so much love and care but you are not useful to her if you wear out. I talk to mom every day and as she has declined, I am grateful that she is taken care of every moment. I also bring up items of her past to “remember”. Mom laughs and enjoys pretty accurately her past stories. It has been a good thing not to be her caregiver, we didn’t laugh and talk as much.

It’s a tough decision. My brother and I were where you are a few months ago. It won’t be easy. Remember this, you are already suffering physically and emotionally caring for her full time and she will only decline from here, requiring even more care. Without a support system you can depend on, there’s no other way. If she stays with you and something we’re to happen to you, where would she be? I don’t see that you have a choice. Everyone has an opinion but those people aren’t caring for your mother full time. You are. Her friend can visit her in her new place. It’ll take time and you will struggle with guilt but you’re doing this for her protection as well as your health and sanity. You can be a more rested, healthy daughter and give her lots of attention while she’s getting the care she needs by professionals. Sending big hugs. You’re a good daughter! ❤️

You can spend quality time with your mom at the nursing home. Some spend 8 hrs with their loved ones including during mealtimes and activities like physical exercising, bingo, etc... you can increase the hrs at healthcare if you feel guilty or decrease as your mom becomes more comfortable living in her new environment. Just remember, most people dont want to leave their home...for all sorts of reasons...such as familiarity and fear of the unknown. Has you taken mom to visit the nursing home?

there are no perfect solutions with this illness … I can’t believe your mother enjoys her life at home with you , isolated, confused, bickering ,
and not safe…. Not to mention the decline in both of your health.
find the best care home you can afford …she will be well cared for and you’ll be a loving daughter bringing her goodies … she’ll have activities and lots company .
there’s always the guilt especially if they ask go home but nobody can do this job well in their home and you have to make decisions for both of you .. good luck and keep intouch
this is best place for help not those
‘drive by’ relatives and friends.

Sunny2020,

A burnt pan house full of smoke 3x,? Very fortunate so far that nothing worse has happened. As far as the friend is concerned, I would ask her how many days of the week can she take to help take care of your mother for you? Unless she is willing to get into the trenches with you in regards to your mother she needs to stop making it worse by her actions. I am sure she truly loves your mother, but what is best for your mother is what is important. And you with your health issues, if you are shut down your mother will end up in a facility anyway but without you being able to be there for her. My father HAS cognitive decline, and I still feel guilty. But I know its the best place for him to be. I visit him regularly take him shopping, take him to visit family. I still take him to his dr's appointments. And when he has his days of clarity is when it is really hard. But I remind myself of why he needs to be there. It will be a time of adjustment but you have to take care of yourself. Sorry so long, but this subject has been the hardest to deal with.

Your mom's best friend is not the one having to take care of your mother. Your mother's care has become too much for you.

Whether you are doing the right thing is totally up to you. Would an aide in the home be of assistance? If you feel you cannot care for her and she is not safe alone, then what are your choices? As for your siblings who have removed themselves from care, well they don't get a vote in this unless they are going to take on care at least 2 -3 times a week.

My heart goes out to you! I cried and cried and cried before putting mom in AL and then she got quickly moved to Memory Care because she kept walking out the door down the busy street or into the woods. On the third day in MC I came to visit and heard loud disco 🕺 music playing. I peeked through the window and there was mom out in the middle of the dance floor 💃🏼 dancing away! It was “Prom Night” 2:30pm to 3:30pm with popcorn 🍿 and snacks. What a difference from her sleeping most of the day and sitting around our house ( she’s 92 ) and wearing me out both physically and emotionally. You just might be pleasantly surprised - but it was still a hard move initially.

Short answer is you are making the right decision. You didn’t come to this decision overnight. You and your mother will be better off. You cannot go on letting your own health and well being be in jeopardy.

Her best friend has no say in this situation. My own mother had “friends” that wanted to interfere in my decision making. Yet they took no responsibility at all for her care, and they watched while she went downhill and lived in squalor and did nothing about it.

Guilt is a useless emotion. The assisted living move is the first of MANY hard decisions YOU will need to make on behalf of your mother in the future. You need to be healthy and in a better head space to continue this journey. Letting well meaning friends and hands-off family members make you doubt yourself is not helping you at all. You have done a great job for the last 16 months. You tried and are smart and strong enough to recognize it’s not working. You thought this through. Trust yourself.

I went through something similar with my late father, who had Parkinsons's before there were good drugs, so he was paranoid and believed I was his mean sister as opposed to his guardian, appointed at age 26 when Mother dropped dead suddenly. He was in the hospital and needed to go to skilled PT, which only a nursing home I knew well offered that. (I was the County's Financial Worker for that and other facilities and had toured it and knew it to be the very best.) He wasn't going to go (and I sympathized, because very few want to leave their own home), and he refused until our social worker explained that Medicare wouldn't pay for another day in the hospital. After he got to know the therapists and staff, he loved it and praised staff there specifically for being gentle, as he also had severe and unmitigated body-wide arthritis. I felt bad but gave it up to God and after it all, I was very grateful when he died in relative comfort. You're doing the ONLY thing, as I did - I even asked his doctor, if I gave up my own career and took care of him, could he come home. I was told I would kill him, as I was not an RN and did not have the PT equipment his condition required. God bless you and take care of you, not just your mom.

No one could say it better than Lov2teach. Head off future rivalries with all agreeing on someone having durable power of attorney and health directive. Your mother will be in an "assisted" living facility, not a nursing home, until her condition deteriorates. I think addressing it as her condo or patio home is excellent. Have her favorite family photos prepared for her new surroundings, along with familiar personal items, linens, etc. Suggest to siblings an organized schedule of regular visitation to reassure your mother. Having her favorite magazines delivered, plants, newspaper, a cell phone to chat with her friends can all ease the shock of transition. Guilt is counterproductive of what you are trying to achieve. Your siblings need to join you as a loving, united front unless one of them offers to take her in their home. Your family is blessed to have choices. My brother has been in 3 different hospital ICUs, and now in a rehab that led to nursing home. This has gone on for 8 months with his begging me to take him home during every visit. His being on a trach/vent with post-polio syndrome requires 24 hr skilled nursing, making that impossible at this point. I have no assist, my 2 siblings vanished when he didn't come home in a week. I keep the crushing guilt at bay by acknowledging his condition, and my limitations. Your mother's well-meaning friend may have increased your mother's anxiety due her own fears of advancing decline. You will be unable to care for your mother if you become the patient. May God bless you.

This is so difficult to do, but do it! I didn’t even realize how much I was effected by caring for my mom for 22 months pretty much on my own with some paid help so I could do a few things. I finally put my mom in a personal care home for a respite stay which turned in to a permanent stay. Now instead of being the one caring for her, I am now the daughter who visits and we enjoy the time. It is not easy to leave her but necessary. Let her friend know she can visit your mom and enjoy time with her. There is never a perfect solution. If it ends up that it is not the place, you can always change your mind later. Just make sure you know how long you have to pay if you suddenly take her out. My life now is so different and tears are shed for mom, but stay the course and do what you need to do.

Your mom’s friend is not taking care of her. You are. What happens if you get too sick to care for your mom? There’s a reason airlines tell mothers to put their oxygen mask on before putting one on their child. It’s difficult for family to agree on something like assisted living so be glad they finally did. Listen to those symptom flares. The protesters and guilt mongers are never the caregivers.

I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging and prepared a workshop I was giving. In my research I found a study that showed, all other things being equal, caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than others of similar age. That was shocking and sobering for myself and the attendees. Do take care of yourself. No one else is.

Assisted living is not the same as a nursing home. People picture the worst of nursing home situations and make assumptions. Clearly you want the best for your mom. You can visit her every day. People are often surprised by how nice these places are.

Sunny, absolutely not! You are the one soley taking care of your mom, and if you are feeling burnout, you not are capable of taking care of your mom anymore. I've been in your shoes, and took care of my mom for 6 years, it was devastating to mine and my husband's health. My relationship with my mom, became a caregiver role, and should would not eat, hydrate, or leave her room much when in our care. My mom had type II diabetes, kidney issues, and obesity, and had a stroke at age 74, which caused her to have cardio vascular dementia. She became a danger to herself, and could not be left alone. The executive functioning in her brain was damaged by the stroke, affecting her short term memory and ability to function safely, and normally. I was forced to quit my mom to tend to her. So, we made the decision to find assisted living placement for her. Thankfully, her pension pays for it. She is now 76, and been in an assisted living with her own room since 0ctober of 2019. She has lost 60 lbs, getting out with friends her age, participating in activities, and thriving. She listens to the staff, unlike she did for us. So, do what is best for you and your mental and physical health. Don't let others guilt you, especially if you are the only one caring for her. Your mom will adjust, and you will get your life back, amd have a healthier relationship with your mom. We now enjoy being mom and daughter, go to lunches and shopping, movies and dinner. I love her very much, and know you love your mom. Sometimes this is the best decision for all involved. Go with your gut. Wishing you all the best in this situation.

No one can do alone what you've been doing, not for long. Don't let anyone guilt you.

In perspective, not only is your health and safety at risk (what if you were napping instead of walking, and the house caught fire???), but this is a safety issue for both you and your Mom. As caregivers, we have to put safety first. I think on the grounds of safety, your Mom requires supervision 24/7 to be in an environment where she cannot be a hazzard to herself or others. Your house is not that, and you can't make it that way unless you hire an aide to be there all the time. Ask your siblings if they will cough up the dough for that?

Aside from that, this friend that came over, why doesn't she offer to sit with your Mom on a regular basis so you get a break and have a life? If she's so concerned about your Mom and stirring up your Mom about the move, put that question to her. She'll either back off or commit to putting her money where her mouth is.

Sorry for my agressive post. This pushed a button in me. I'm so over how non caregivers judge a caregiver when they, sympathetic or not, really have NO CLUE of our caregiver reality. I support your decision. Hard as it is, sounds like it's time for Mom to live in a safer home. Since she's mobile and semi-capable. there's no way you - or any of us - could provide that in our private home.

Just like they tell you on an airplane...put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else.  You are not being selfish.  You are still taking care of your mom by finding the right care for her with trained professionals that are available 24/7.  You are also looking out for the health of her daughter...YOU.

If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with your moms best friend.  This is a courtesy conversation, because she isn't the one caring for your mom...it's not her call.  Explain to her that the stress of caregiving is causing you health issues and this is the best decision for all involved.  Explain to her that her emotional outburst about the decision is not helping you or your mom.  Tell her you would appreciate it if she could be more positive around your mom.  After all...you're not sentencing your mom to death.  You are moving her to a nice assisted living apartment where three shifts of young, fresh, professionally trained caregivers can give her what she needs.  Her friend can visit her every day is she chooses, but not if she is going to be negative and crying and getting your mom all worked up about it.

It aged me horribly taking care of mom.  When I moved her to assisted living, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my chest.  You are doing the right thing.

You are making the right decision. I just placed Mom 2 days ago for very similar reasons after about a year and half of living with her. Everyone except my Aunt (who is being so horrible) has been supportive. Mom is having a very hard time adjusting and I cry all day and night. She moved from AL to Memory care the first day. Might be temporary, we shall see. They asked me to give her a few days to settle before coming back because it has been so hard on her. Yesterday she had a great day and called me happy! Today was a set back and she called me confused wondering why she was in a hospital. Expect set backs and perhaps a very rough transition. BUT it is necessary and will get better. My health has also slipped and I hope to focus on that as Mom settles. Based on my experience it is best to do earlier than later. I think Mom would have settled in easier if she was more able to remember things and understand. But I have faith that she will continue to make baby steps and eventually settle. Prayers for you and your Mom!

You (and your family) are responsible for making sure that your mother is in a safe place and well cared for, but you do not have to be the one to do it. It's already dangerous to leave her alone with the stove. Your primary responsibility is to take care of your own health so that you can be there for her. You must have this discussion with your mother. Remind her that the family has not been helping out. Have you taken her to visit the facility that you are thinking of? It will be better if she sees and likes it. There are many advantages for seniors living in assisted living. They have professional staff to take care of them, they have age-appriate activities, and there will be plenty of other seniors there. Maybe she can make new friends. Can you assure her that you will continue to visit and can take her places to eat out and shop, etc. Perhaps you can bring your mother's friend to visit her when she is there. Good luck! I hope you can convince her that this is the best solution.