Am I abandoning my mom?

If you can’t care for her and you are at peace with your decision, then don’t others deter you. Alternatively let her best friend take her and care for her full time. It’s sooo easy for family and friends to give you all the work while they sit and do nothing. They will stoop low to give you the guilt trip, but turn it back on them!

I just made this decision with my dad last month. I had the same feelings.

My dad falls all the time and has early dementia. He was being rescued by family, neighbors, caregivers and 911 every few days. I decided he needs 24-hour care and must move.

The pressure and guilt-trips I got from him and other well-intentioned people was intense. They were interested in his happiness. I appreciate that. Moving out and loosing his independence makes him sad, resentful and angry at me. He won’t get over that.

But I am interested in his health. I don’t want him to continue getting hurt from falls. I don’t want him to burn the house down with him in it.

So that’s the choice. His health or his happiness. That’s your choice, now, too. I’m sorry you must make that decision.

Let me try to make it a bit easier. Let’s say you give in and have your mom stay at home. Tomorrow, you go grocery shopping and come home to find the house on fire and your mom’s charred corpse next to a fire truck. Would you say you made the right choice?

"...they did make me feel like I was sending her to prison."

ALs are not prisons. They likely have never set foot in one. My mother was moved to MC in a facility that had IL, AL and MC, The place was VERY nice, had great food, wonderful caregivers and other staff, the people I met on my way to the MC unit were all very happy and content in the place.

As for their guilting you, shame on them. They dump on you, but don't offer to help, so stuff 'em.

Also, this best "friend" has no say. She isn't doing the caring AND there's nothing stopping her from continuing to be your mom's friend, visiting and chatting on the phone with her. Is ISN'T a prison!!!

Too many people have images of NHs and/or old people "homes" from the past. They need to get out and see for themselves instead of butting in.

My mother was living in an over 55 living community. My cousin came to live with her to look after her and after a while she just couldn't take care of her any more (falls, etc.) We told her we were moving her to Assisted Living and she sat there with her arms crossed and said she was not moving. We had to practice "tough love" and moved her anyway. She has lived there since November 2017 and has loved it. Unfortunately she is now in the final stages of hospice but at least I know they are taking good care of her.

Don’t feel guilty. She can have a life and have friends over in assisted living. My friend’s father is in one and he enjoys it and has found a girlfriend there. He is still able to get around but they are there for him when he did have a couple of medical episodes.
Don’t let your mother or her friend make you feel guilty or destroy your life.

It sounds like you have had burnout and that it's time for her to go into a care facility or have full time in-home help. You do need a lot of help especially considering that you have chronic illness, too. Please don't feel guilty. You're doing the right thing. Sometimes it gets too much to care for a person when you're not doing so well yourself healthwise.

Is it possible for your mum to take a tour with her friend? It might make things simpler. I would treat it like a vacation package. Give her pictures, reviews, videos. Let her choose between facilities. Would you like someone else to choose your vacation for you. Have a moving away party for her so she can say goodbye to her neighbours and friends. Look at it like she is moving up in the world to a house with servants and 24hr care, cooks and new friends. It can be all a matter of perspective. I remember my parents changing cities. As kids we had no say but they did give us a chance to say goodbye with a party with all our friends. We looked up the new country in the encyclopedia and found out all we could. Moving can be very scary at any age.

I am making the same choice and had my mum evalueted for a facility. I chose a nice one where they do pet therapy, rehab. A friend has her father there and my mom knows him since 1982 even if after schoold in 1990 we never met him again.
I am burnout, can no longer assure high quality cares as I am forgetting plenty of things at my job and at home.
I was told by a friar not to feel guilty for not being able to do it all on my own : I am just human, can't be a mom, a wife, an employee, a caregiver 24h/24 on my own. I do have a home aid when I go to work but still the mental load is on me and I am the one of the mornings before she arrives, the afterrnoons, evenings and week-ends.
My mum has been a great mum, I do not think she would be happy knowing I am no so bad.
As far as the friend is concerned : I have decided that if someones does this with me I will answer with a "hard" answer like : ok, we have 2 choices : a facility or you take my mum with you and provide 24h/24, 7d/7, 365d/year yourself in your house... and with the same standards of a nurse/doctor.

Mistakes can happen but don't let your mom cook her own meals. Unplug the electric stove if you have to when you're out. If you have to go out, make sure she's had her meal first so she doesn't have to do it herself. This part of the caregiving journey really sucks. Wrestling with what to do. It's just hard all the way around. God bless and help you.

No, you are not abandoning her. I knew my mother couldn't live with us because she has always been difficult, so I bought her a condo in a 55-plus facility. When she could no longer take care of herself we moved her to AL. She resisted at first, but she has been very happy there and I can sleep at night.

You do not owe your mom the destruction of your own life. Period full stop. The friend is not the one responsible for your mom’s care. She is not paying the price, so she does not get a vote in this matter. If it makes you feel better to do some of the things suggested to make the transition easier, then go ahead. But do not get sucked into delaying the decision. No one ever dreams of going into assisted living- I get that. But it is necessary sometimes and can be a godsend. I know from personal experience with my own mom. Sounds like you’ve done your research and picked a good facility. So don’t start questioning yourself, and don’t back down. Good luck and blessings.

i understand how you are feeling. I’m going thru something similar and I’m torn on what to do. My mom is resisting and consistently giving me guilt trips. She can’t live alone and right now I’m helping care for my brother that has stage 4 pancreatic cancer.
I hope we both find peace with our decision and embrace the fact that we need help ❤️🙏

Sunny2020, I've used this bit of advice I read somewhere often when I've had to make difficult life choices. Instead of asking yourself "What should I do with Mom?" Pretend that it's your best friend who is in this situation, what would you advise her to do?

You're going to give a compassionate and caring answer because this is your best friend. But you've also taken a step back and removed yourself from so much of the emotional strain, or the weight of guilt of the situation by this not being about you or your own mother. Whatever advice you give, it will be thoughtful, and you'll be able to see the short and long term pros and cons of any decision that needs to be made. Your friend's health is of utmost importance, not just her mother's, forcing her to care for her mom just because of the guilt is NOT helping either of them in the long run.

Nobody likes change, and even with the best advice, decisions are going to be hard to make, you can't make everyone happy all the time (and it's not your job to either). But as other people have said on these boards, it's not the end of the world, and mom will be cared for by people who are trained and up to the task. Friends can visit, as can you, without giving up your own health, including your emotional and mental well being.

You obviously love your mom, but you're at the end of your rope and you need help. If your sisters think it's so easy, let them take care of mom for a couple of months.

On your side.

I normally don't comment on posts that have so many replies, figuring what more can be said, but here goes. You are not abandoning your mom, you are CARING for her. Would you rather wait until the whole house burns down? If your mom's best friend pleaded not to move your mom, then move your mom to her friend's house. People do not understand the mental and physical effect caring for someone with dementia places on them. Your health outstrips others emotions. How can you feel selfish for wanting to retain your own health and sanity? This situation is obviously affecting you more than her. It's perfectly fine to feel heart broken for her, but don't let your heart overrule your head. Place your mom where she can be properly cared for.

I'm in the same boat with my mom. I have only been caring for her this year, and it has been a struggle. As long as you know that you're doing the best you can, that's all you can do.

Good luck to you and everyone else going through this. It's very difficult to deal with!