Am I abandoning my mom?

If you do not have help, your health is negatively impacted, and your mother does things that are not safe - she needs to go to assisted living or memory care unit.

Her friend is expressing that she will miss having your mom next door. Give her friend contact information and address of her new "home." Encourage mom's friend to go visit her there.

Keep in mind that it may not be a smooth transition, it will take time for BOTH of you to adjust, physically and emotionally. It's perfectly normal and understandable for you to have doubts and for your mom to feel scared. Safety is of utmost concern. If you have done your research and you feel this is a well run and attentive place where your Mom will eventually fit in and thrive, then go for it and don't look back. Be sure to encourage your siblings and her best friend to visit often. Listen, nothing is irreversible. You can always pull her out if down the line it is really not working. In that case you can use those funds to hire a caretaker in-home for her. Keep us posted!

Trust me, been there done that. You ARE NOT being horrible. Get her to the AL asap so your health doesn't deteriorate more. There will be an adjustment period, but she will be in a safe place and that will allow you to heal and get your health back. Give her friend her new address and let her friend visit her there. Best wishes.

I agree with the poster who says earlier placement is better than later. Firstly, she’ll be able to enjoy the companionship and activities the ALF offers. I am staying with mom as her caretaker in her ALF now (temporarily). The place is great! But my mom is cognitively past being able to enjoy it or function alone in her apartment. The sooner your mom adjusts to her new apartment as home, the better. That way as she declines mentally, the change won’t add to that problem. You are not abandoning her. But you have abandoned yourself and are looking for a compromise where your life and health are not sacrificed. Unfortunately, we can’t turn back time. Your mom is in a new phase of life with the care she needs. Her life is not going to look like what it did 5 years ago. And you cannot fix that, even with all your love. I am struggling with this right now, too, because for my mom to stay at her ALF—which is what she wants—I would have to move in here permanently. As great as the place is, I don’t want to do that. We, too, are having to find a compromise.
Best of luck to us both!

No problem, have her best friend take her in.

Can you get her a live in caregiver? Perhaps partial trade for room and board?

Your mother's friend has no business telling you what to do with your mother. I would have probably told her to leave. ALFs are not perfect but can provide more care for your parent that you could, especially as their health deteriorates. My mother stayed with us for a while and we quickly realized she needed more care than we could provide. We were under a lot of stress and guilt dealing with her various medical issues. Our guilt diminished after we moved her in an ALF and she seemed to get accustomed to her room, accommodations, and socializing with other residents.

It’s the guilt that gets you, the tiny nagging feeling that you’re trying to get out of helping your own mother.
My mother was a volatile, angry, yeller and screamer - then a sad, apathetic cryer the next minute. She also had a lovely, smiley, pleasant side. I helped her for years. Because of her emotional needs, I ruined my health and my emotional stability. The guilt needs to be understood. Why was it that I couldn’t just hire someone for her care and walk away? I think it’s because, after years with her, I essentially became her mother.
Guilt, I think, overtook me because I knew I could keep helping my mother, but I didn’t want to. Right there is the catch. It felt like I didn’t want to, but the truth is that my entire psyche was telling me that I had to stop. Guilt told me that I must help. Reason told me to stop.
Emotion always hits first. Guilt is emotion. I had to get myself to a place where I knew that it was actually an emergency to get away from my mother, since I was falling apart and I couldn’t fix anything for my mother. She would continue to get worse because all people get old and begin to fall apart. There was nothing to fix. It’s sad. It’s nobody’s fault.

3 years ago when I told my mom's friend that I was placing her in AL...she said B***S***.. I told her that she had no idea how much my mom wasn't able to live in her house anymore. You see...my mom could still drive. She never got lost. Her friend Marylee was legally blind. My mom picked her up everyday and they went out to eat. Now Marylee would not have her driver. I took them both to McDonald's for their last lunch together. Marylee cried. She sincerely loved my mom and she was gonna really miss her. When I told Marylee that one day she may need to go into AL or a NH she replied NEVER!!! WELL 7 months later Marylee fell out of bed and broke her pelvis. She ended up going to AL and hated it. She ended up dying in a NH a couple months ago. Listen to your gut. You are not abandoning her.❤

Hello.

who can tell what any facility is actually like until a person is living there but quite honestly im looking forward to living someplace where im cared for and my room is cleaned, my meals are fixed for me, and entertainment is provided if i am interested.

cant your moms friend visit her there instead of your house ? Maybe shes jealous ?

maybe your sibs just dont want to pay for something for your mom that youre doing for free ???

I am so proud of you for reaching out for support. At the end of the day YOU are the primary caretaker of your mom. No one knows the complexities of being the caregiver unless you have walked that path. Having your mom’s friend share her feelings is one thing. But it is a dangerous situation if your mom has left items on the stove. Since your family has agreed on an assisted living quarters you need to carry out that plan. Please try to have support from an outside source . Coming to terms with placing your mother will be a challenge beyond compare. But you have the strength to do it out of Love and concern for your mother. You only get One. God Bless Yours because she has a wonderful, caring daughter. Good luck in the days ahead. Keep me posted when you can.

Forget the friend - period. Until ANYONE walks the path you traveled, lived your sorrow, your doubt, your pain, and your fear, no one other than g-d, can judge your decisions.

I am going through the same thing. I've been caring for my mom, 24 hour care, PEG, hoyer, full ADL's with a malignant pathological narcissistic husband for 1.5 years. Gave up everything & it's finally taking a toll on me. My life or hers; I see it clearly now. You and only you can make that decision; the breaking point, when you know, for the last time, when you've had enough, when you've weighed all of you options and you know that any option will cause you pain, but which pain will be more freeing. I am trying my last and final option now and then, I too will have to make that decision, not only because I'm unable to work, depleting my savings account to keep her (and her healthy savings, which will go to her husband) alive but because it's depleting me mentally and physically. I was once strong as an ox, and while I'm still strong, I feel that I'm half the person I once was. I'm not happy and that reflects on the quality of care I am providing her. I want better for us both and I know you feel the same way.

Guilt is the thief of life ~ much easier said than felt (TRUST ME). I've learned over the past year and half that our parents become selfish in their old age; heroes that once made their children a priority above all, now put themselves first, and not maliciously but almost as a warped safety mechanism. They still love us unconditionally but something changes, like you said, not dementia but they're not the same. I realized when my mom lost her 'motherly instinct', that it was time that I get serious about my life; it was a game changer.

You see the light, and at your pace, you will make the best (not right, there is no right) decision for you and your mom.

Stay strong (for us both) and for mom!

you need to take care of yourself first - What others think can serve as input for you, but the bottom line is you've got to do what is bets for you. The fact that you have involved your family and you have several problems yourself along with the fact that you care about doing the right thing shows that you are making the right decision for your mom and for you. It is natural to have some second thoughts as this is not an easy decision. If the stay in the facility doesn't work out, you can always make changes. Give it a try for probably 6 months. My experience is that most times [assuming a good facility] is that everyone adjusts and finds it beneficial. You can let the friend know you appreciate her concern, and that she can visit [you might even offer to drive her there for a visit occasionally]. also recommend that you see attorney to set up POA.
Best of luck to you!

I have been there - done that, etc. I was a Power of Attorney for someone and it was a nightmare in hell. No one wanted her placed but the husband who had his own issues could not handle the situation. She is obviously NOT normal and it will get worse. The fact that you bear the burdens and are suffering due to the impact on you makes it simple decision. YOU have the right to live your life and while everyone would like to see YOU taking care of her, YOU can't without much harm to you. Your job is to place her at once where she is cared for and monitored and YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST. Ignore what people say - they are not the ones being impacted or caring for her - you are. She needs to be removed so you can take care of yourself as you should.

Everyone has an opinion, especially if they are not bearing any of the responsibility that goes with that opinion. The important thing is that your family came to consensus, which I know personally can be very emotional and take a lot of time. It is so very crucial that you preserve yourself in all of this. It is so very difficult for us to deal with the "cycle of life", especially when facing dementia and serious chronic illness of a loved one. My internal decision "rule" was that when my sister - with Alzheimers - became a danger to herself or others, it would be time to move her into a Memory Home. We reached this point when she fell and broke a rib. We placed her in a facility where she could safely pace 10 hours a day - don't know whether she is doing this due to anxiety or whether it is an AD "loop." In any event, it sounds like your mother has definitely reached a point where safety is an issue, for her and for you. PLEASE don't beat yourself up about your FAMILY'S decision. I can't say that things will get easier after your mother moves, but you will have some space and can decide when you are in a "place" mentally, emotionally and physically to interact with her.

Your health and well being cannot be the price of your mom's wellbeing. If the family friend was really a friend, she would not ask you to risk additional physical and mental Health. If she was truly a friend she would be helping your mom figure out how to get comfortable in her new place and make the most of her time there. I do not call individuals who conveniently ignore them the cost for their own comfort "friends" because true friends look out for their friends AND their families. Your mom will continue to decline. Moving her later could be harder as she grows more disoriented. Doing the right thing seems to rarely come without guilt attached. Comfort to you.

Let me ask you this: if you have a complete break down will your mom take care of you? Will her friend?
If the answer is no then it is to the old folks home she goes. There is no need for the guilt trip.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. You have to take care of yourself. Unless someone has been a 24/7 caregiver for a family member with dementia, they have no idea of the toll it takes on the caregiver's physical and emotional health. It doesn't matter how much you love your mother, your body will break under the pressure of caring for your mother. I am 74 years old and I took care of my mother for 4 years, 24/7. I loved my mother very much; however, I now have diabetes type 2, severe arthritis all over my body, I have 7 ruptured discs in my back that will require back surgery soon, and I'm a chronic pain patient in treatment with a Pain doctor. I am also very depressed and suffer from serious anxiety. I used to be healthy, happy, and resilient. I looked and felt great! My mother recently passed away at age 92 and when the Hospice Coordinator arrived at my home, she thought I was the patient! I would have been dead if my mother had lived much longer.

So ignore your mother's BFF's opinion... she is not there taking care of your mother. Your family is on-board with your opinion so get your mother tucked safely away in a nice Memory Care Facility and your mother will adjust... probably quickly and she have activities and friends she will enjoy. I used to worry that my Mom would burn my house down, too! The near-misses are very scary!

It has been 9 months since my mother died, and I am not yet fully recovered from the lack of sleep. My own memory is shot and my health is very bad. My doctor just told me 2 weeks ago that I will never be the same person I used to be. If I had know what caregiving does to the caregiver, I would have politely refused and been happy visiting my mom in a Memory Care facility.

You are not abadoning your mother, but you might be abandoning yourself. Listen to that gut feeling... I wish I had paid more attention to mine!

Your family won't help you ? Then you have no choice. Good luck

Yes. You're doing the right thing.
With different details, I'm in your shoes.
I did move my mom out.
The feeling of abandonment hasn't gone away altogether, it's just been 94 days. But the relief of looking forward to my life has shown bright like a beacon shining the way for a captain on a tumultuous sea. And I can honestly say.....Whew.

You are absolutely doing the right thing!!! Unless you never plan to leave the house again, your mother is no longer safe in her home. I faced similar challenges, but in my case it was my father who joined her in resisting "giving up her home" and denying the safety issues. When she finally got to a memory care facility, she was so much less bored and depressed. I would encourage you to make sure your chosen facility has a strong activity program, and if she is eligible for memory care, choose a specialized facility.

The best thing would be to let her stay at home but if no one is willing to help you and mom doesn't have money to afford help then you have no other choice.
Just explain it to mom and mom's friend

You are doing the RIGHT thing. The right thing for you, for your health, for your mom, for her well being.

The best thing that you can do for your mother is make sure that she is well cared for. That is your job. By making sure she is in the right place, you are doing the right thing. In Assisted Living there is round the clock care, provided by people working shifts.

You've already destroyed your health-- I hope that some of that is reversible. And what if next time she actually burns the house down, with you and her in it? Then there'll be no one to care for, in either direction, and much grief for the rest of the family.

As you may know, the cognitive decline will get worse, not better. It may only reach a certain point, but she will get older, and whatever issues she is having will worsen. As that happens, incrementally, she'll be in the right place for professionals to help her.

What are you doing while all of this is happening? Restoring your health, resting, getting your life back. And, then you can visit your mother, as much or as little as makes sense for your life. So too can her friend and your other family members.

Be strong. This is hard and I know you feel guilty, but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you'll get to that point in your thoughts, soon. Get some therapy for yourself if it'll help you through this.

You are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.

Sunny2020: Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you follow through with this plan, else you'll fall even further ill and will be good to no one.

NO!!! Do NOT put her in there!!! If you love your mother you will not force her into one of these death camps! I know, they killed my sister during the lock downs!

PLEASE consider alternatives ...you can get help to come in to help with her care. There are programs that will assist with finances. In Wisconsin there is IRIS which will help with in home care expenses. Not only with people coming in, but with whatever assisted living accommodations she may need. There are different programs available in every state.

old parable:
a man & his wife were on a long journey..walking together beside their donkey on a winding dusty road to visit the wife's family
It wasn't long before a man called out to them "how can you be so selfish to make your wife walk when you have the donkey ...let her ride & you walk"
The man heeded the mans words & soon his wife was riding along beside him on the donkey as he walked beside her & the donkey
Another few miles along the road another man called out to them loudly
"sir, why are you walking on such a very hot day when you have a strong young donkey & room for you to ride alongside your woman. It doesn't make sense"
"Maybe he's right husband, you can ride here with me and rest your feet that must be tired and sore"
The husband clambered up onto the donkey and they proceeded again on their journey
Night was approaching & the lights of the town that was their destination twinkled in the distance . Only one more big hill to go
They stopped to fill their water containers outside an inn.
An older woman with a small child glared at the man as he stood filling his containers at the well.
"Both of you riding that poor little donkey?" the woman asked sharply
"So cruel" she snapped without waiting for the man to answer
"No-one should be riding that lovely little creature."
"You should be carrying the donkey.
" There are two of you strong enough to walk yourselves..The donkey is suffering because of your selfishness. Cold hearted people"
The husband and wife agreed that perhaps the old woman was right...and they were hurting the donkey.
So it wasn't long before the man and his wife were struggling up the last hill to their destination carrying the donkey..that was of course, quite able to carry the couple quite comfortably.

You see everyone has an opinion that they will give on how another should live their life.
Animals know from instinct what is best for them and Nature
Man knows from intuition.

"The still small voice some call conscience . So small it could almost be missed.
So clear it can never be mistaken"
Mahatma Gandhi

You'll feel a lot more guilty if she starts a fire and burns the house down with her in it.

Send her to the AL. She's not safe at home.

To be picky & clarify the question wording:

Abandon definition:
1. cease to support or look after (someone); desert, leave,
turn one's back on, cast aside,
break (up), leave stranded
2. give up completely

Now finding an AL close by, where I image you will still be very much involved in Mom's life, visiting her, supporting her & being an emotional support.

This does not describe *abandon*. This describes helping your Mom move home, to receive the level of supervision she now requires.

Allow me to re-phrase your question: "Am I HELPING my Mom?"

I would say YES.

I find this symptom of dementia somewhat assuming to complicate in my mother's case. My mother developed a bad back in her 30s and was in near-constant pain the rest of her life. In her 40s, while she continued to run a household for her husband and 3 children in spite of her pain, she often burned stuff on the stove. She would get distracted I guess. I remember biscuits burning on the stovetop because she forgot to turn off the stove eye and set the baking sheet on it. Once she forgot about a pot of beans when we went to my grandmother's house; we came home to a burn pot and a house full of smoke. When my brothers grew older and moved out and I became old enough to help with the chores that particularly gave her pain (like cleaning the bathtub, making beds, and standing on her feet) the burning of the food stopped. My mother burned more food in her 40s than at any point in her life! And she was completely competent in her 40s, 50s, 60,s and 70s! It wasn't until she was 78 that she showed any signs of memory issues and 84 when she was diagnosed with MCI.

I was solo caregiver 24/7 for my Mom with late stage dementia. Thought I was doing a pretty decent job but it depleted me in every way. After breaking her ankle, she had to be hospitalized, and is now in a nursing home/rehab facility. I can see that she is doing so much better with social interaction with the nurses, aides and therapists who are taking good care of her for a shift and not a tired, frazzled me. Unless your Mom's friend offers to take care of her, she's not being very helpful. Alas, your Mom's situation will probably decline and you may be putting off the inevitable.