My BF of 17 yrs left me six years ago and moved in with his elderly mom. We now see each other 1 week a month. During covid, even less, but now that we're all vaccinated, he has been wanting to come visit even more often. He has to care give 24/7 for his mother, who, I might add, was a horrible parent who neglected all her children and always put her husband first before anyone else, including her kids. She has three other sons and a daughter who all live within a mile of her, yet, my BF had to move out and go take care of her down in a border town about four hrs away from me. The rest of her kids refuse to talk to her or visit. My BF cannot afford to hire a a full time caregiver nor would ever put her in a home. She has Medicare only and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. He had previously hired a lady that would come from Mexico to live-in at the house, clean and take care of the mom, but now, she cannot come across the bridge, because the Pres shut down the border. They keep extending the shut down, so we don't have any idea when this lady will be able to come back. She charges a lot less than people in the states. My problem is, this past month, he has come for a much-needed visit & break, but he ended up bringing his mother, who, I will also add is a very, very dirty person. She has never been clean, even when she was younger. I believe she has Diogenes syndrome. She has never bathed, washed her hands or even brushed her teeth. My BF can't get her to even use wipes. The odor is mind boggling! I live in a one-bedroom apt and I keep it neat & clean, but now, this woman is using my bathroom, urinating all over the floor, leaving dried poop stains & pubic hairs on the toilet seat, throws the used TP in the trash can and doesn't flush. No hand washing after the toilet, either. My BF has her sleeping in my room, in my good bedding and my whole apt stinks now. They have been here for two weeks and had also come at the end of April too. He just announced they are staying till next week. We can't be intimate, go out, or do anything else because he's waiting on her hand & foot. I also work full time and am so annoyed seeing/smelling her as soon as I get home. My apt is my sanctuary and now I feel obligated, because he gives me a guilt trip and tells me things like, "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grosses out on my mom!" Or, tells me that I would've done the same thing for my mom. I do feel guilty, because I love him with all my heart, but our relationship has turned into 100% caregiving. There is no intimacy any more and I'm only 47. I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7. I feel like a vile jerk for being grossed out by this woman, but I wish she would leave!
I think you need to give your BF an ultimatum. It's either you or her. I know you love him but you need to decide what you can tolerate. Even if she dies the fact that your BF has put you through this and is trying to guilt trip you about it raises all kinds of red flags for what the future might hold.
Right you are about the ultimatum. He will pick his mother. Farmerlee74 lists her age as 47 years old and that she's been with the boyfriend for 17 years.
If you're still the 'girlfriend' after that many years it's because the boyfriend won't really commit to it or vice versa.
When people are older and are collecting a late spouse's pension or social security, they have financial reasons for not marrying. When you're 30 years old and start up with someone you don't. She needs to drop this mama's boy like a bad habit and find a better man while she's still young enough to.
Please read this: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/
You say that he had no choice in caring for his parents. He DID have options that he CHOSE not to exercise.
He should be asking if it's okay to bring his mom, and if you allow her to come, it is his responsibility to police his mom's hygiene and meet her needs, and treat you and your home kindly. Otherwise he should not impose. Surely he could set up caregivers for a weekend here or there so he could see you, rather than schlepping his mom along for visits of indeterminate length. Additionally, knowing your objections, he should NOT be arbitrarily deciding how long they will stay. It sounds like you have had some unproductive conversations with him and he is aware of your feelings and chooses to ignore them. Think about that.
I'm sure he's overwhelmed, but he seems selfish and insensitive. If you can't get the nerve to ask them to go, then the next time he tries to manipulate you with "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grossed out on my mom!", take him up on it. It should be your cue to agree that ''Yes, I think it's time, it's a lot for me to handle. Let's talk later after you two get home''. Then if you want to continue with this man, set some boundaries.
Look, maybe this guy is amazing and you think he's the one. But...his mom's his priority right now and he's treating you like respite care, and he's not even doing it respectfully. Who's to say that once mom goes toes up that he won't want to kick up a little dust on his own and disassociate from everything from that time?
You have a life sentence of BF and his mother, and even ‘lifers’ don’t have to live with this smell. Look a bit wider during your 3 weeks a month of 'alone', for your sanity’s sake!
Get rid of these people at once & move on with your life. You deserve a whole lot more than the crumbs you're being offered! Please realize that!
Please tell him to leave.
I do have compassion. I feel for all of you. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. I felt badly for her, for us too and if I had to do it over, I would not do it. It’s too hard. It’s more than we can physically and emotionally handle.
You have seen how hard this is. Look at it as a lesson learned.
If your boyfriend wishes to care for his mom, so be it. It’s his decision to do so. That doesn’t mean that you have to join in and have his mom be a part of your life.
Who knows what the future holds with this man? You say that you love him. He may love you as well but he has made it perfectly clear that he is a caregiver for his mom. You don’t want her in your apartment, for legitimate reasons, so it may be time to end the relationship.
If his mom dies or does enter a facility, then maybe you can resume your relationship. If you find someone else, that is fine also. Or you may choose to remain single. My point is that you know that you are not happy having his mom live with you, so this current situation isn’t working out well for you.
Did he just show up with her without telling you? Did you agree for her to visit?