My BF of 17 yrs left me six years ago and moved in with his elderly mom. We now see each other 1 week a month. During covid, even less, but now that we're all vaccinated, he has been wanting to come visit even more often. He has to care give 24/7 for his mother, who, I might add, was a horrible parent who neglected all her children and always put her husband first before anyone else, including her kids. She has three other sons and a daughter who all live within a mile of her, yet, my BF had to move out and go take care of her down in a border town about four hrs away from me. The rest of her kids refuse to talk to her or visit. My BF cannot afford to hire a a full time caregiver nor would ever put her in a home. She has Medicare only and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. He had previously hired a lady that would come from Mexico to live-in at the house, clean and take care of the mom, but now, she cannot come across the bridge, because the Pres shut down the border. They keep extending the shut down, so we don't have any idea when this lady will be able to come back. She charges a lot less than people in the states. My problem is, this past month, he has come for a much-needed visit & break, but he ended up bringing his mother, who, I will also add is a very, very dirty person. She has never been clean, even when she was younger. I believe she has Diogenes syndrome. She has never bathed, washed her hands or even brushed her teeth. My BF can't get her to even use wipes. The odor is mind boggling! I live in a one-bedroom apt and I keep it neat & clean, but now, this woman is using my bathroom, urinating all over the floor, leaving dried poop stains & pubic hairs on the toilet seat, throws the used TP in the trash can and doesn't flush. No hand washing after the toilet, either. My BF has her sleeping in my room, in my good bedding and my whole apt stinks now. They have been here for two weeks and had also come at the end of April too. He just announced they are staying till next week. We can't be intimate, go out, or do anything else because he's waiting on her hand & foot. I also work full time and am so annoyed seeing/smelling her as soon as I get home. My apt is my sanctuary and now I feel obligated, because he gives me a guilt trip and tells me things like, "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grosses out on my mom!" Or, tells me that I would've done the same thing for my mom. I do feel guilty, because I love him with all my heart, but our relationship has turned into 100% caregiving. There is no intimacy any more and I'm only 47. I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7. I feel like a vile jerk for being grossed out by this woman, but I wish she would leave!
Get rid of these people at once & move on with your life. You deserve a whole lot more than the crumbs you're being offered! Please realize that!
Please tell him to leave.
Please read this: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/
You say that he had no choice in caring for his parents. He DID have options that he CHOSE not to exercise.
I think you need to give your BF an ultimatum. It's either you or her. I know you love him but you need to decide what you can tolerate. Even if she dies the fact that your BF has put you through this and is trying to guilt trip you about it raises all kinds of red flags for what the future might hold.
Right you are about the ultimatum. He will pick his mother. Farmerlee74 lists her age as 47 years old and that she's been with the boyfriend for 17 years.
If you're still the 'girlfriend' after that many years it's because the boyfriend won't really commit to it or vice versa.
When people are older and are collecting a late spouse's pension or social security, they have financial reasons for not marrying. When you're 30 years old and start up with someone you don't. She needs to drop this mama's boy like a bad habit and find a better man while she's still young enough to.
You have a life sentence of BF and his mother, and even ‘lifers’ don’t have to live with this smell. Look a bit wider during your 3 weeks a month of 'alone', for your sanity’s sake!
Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you have to out up with this nonsense. I'd rather be lonely that have to live like you're living, wouldn't you? Think about that.
It raises a couple of questions to think about. First is whether BF should find another doctor. Second is why the doctor would refuse to help get home health. I was wondering whether the doctor’s attitude was that MIL is quite capable of caring for herself, and there is no reason why the public purse should pay for it. The doctor might not have much sympathy for BF for propping up her behavior. Would there be any truth in that take on the situation? What about a mental health referral?
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