My BF of 17 yrs left me six years ago and moved in with his elderly mom. We now see each other 1 week a month. During covid, even less, but now that we're all vaccinated, he has been wanting to come visit even more often. He has to care give 24/7 for his mother, who, I might add, was a horrible parent who neglected all her children and always put her husband first before anyone else, including her kids. She has three other sons and a daughter who all live within a mile of her, yet, my BF had to move out and go take care of her down in a border town about four hrs away from me. The rest of her kids refuse to talk to her or visit. My BF cannot afford to hire a a full time caregiver nor would ever put her in a home. She has Medicare only and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. He had previously hired a lady that would come from Mexico to live-in at the house, clean and take care of the mom, but now, she cannot come across the bridge, because the Pres shut down the border. They keep extending the shut down, so we don't have any idea when this lady will be able to come back. She charges a lot less than people in the states. My problem is, this past month, he has come for a much-needed visit & break, but he ended up bringing his mother, who, I will also add is a very, very dirty person. She has never been clean, even when she was younger. I believe she has Diogenes syndrome. She has never bathed, washed her hands or even brushed her teeth. My BF can't get her to even use wipes. The odor is mind boggling! I live in a one-bedroom apt and I keep it neat & clean, but now, this woman is using my bathroom, urinating all over the floor, leaving dried poop stains & pubic hairs on the toilet seat, throws the used TP in the trash can and doesn't flush. No hand washing after the toilet, either. My BF has her sleeping in my room, in my good bedding and my whole apt stinks now. They have been here for two weeks and had also come at the end of April too. He just announced they are staying till next week. We can't be intimate, go out, or do anything else because he's waiting on her hand & foot. I also work full time and am so annoyed seeing/smelling her as soon as I get home. My apt is my sanctuary and now I feel obligated, because he gives me a guilt trip and tells me things like, "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grosses out on my mom!" Or, tells me that I would've done the same thing for my mom. I do feel guilty, because I love him with all my heart, but our relationship has turned into 100% caregiving. There is no intimacy any more and I'm only 47. I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7. I feel like a vile jerk for being grossed out by this woman, but I wish she would leave!
He has chosen to care for his folks, now full-time for his Mother. Whether this helps him, I don't know... But that is what he has chosen to do.
Farmerlee, you have the right to decide what you do too. What contact, if any, you have with his Mother.
So make your decision & make it clearly known to your BF. Either continue to allow the Mother to come, but discuss how it would work better, who cleans up etc.
Or if you decide she cannot come at all, tell him. He must then come alone. Finding other care arrangements for his Mother is his responsibility. He either will or won't - this is up to him.
Best of luck going forward with better boundaries.
I mention this because, if I am right about the way she grew up, you are never going to get her to change now at her advanced age. It doesn’t make for pleasant visits, though, as you say. Is there any sort of compromise, rather than them both staying in your apartment? You go down there and visit in a hotel? I certainly wouldn’t want the mess you describe in my home.
You are right. Difficult situations require a professional staff to handle the difficult tasks. No matter how much children or spouses wish to help in these areas, her needs would be better met with a staff. It’s sad. His heart may be in the right place for his mom.
The OP is somewhat understanding due to his cultural background but in reality, everyone is being shortchanged, especially the mom who obviously needs more care than he can provide. Not to mention how family members become burned out.
How hard is it to educate people who are in these situations to surrender control?
The OP is in love with this man and has a long standing relationship with him. It’s a complicated mess.
Stay strong! You got this.
I live in the driest state in the driest continent. I’ve lived with mains sewerage, a long-drop dunny (nice tight lid and sprinkle lime after using), an inadequate septic tank, and two very adequate septic systems with regulation soakage trenches. Alice Springs is sand and rock, classified as a desert although it has drenching summer rain occasionally. I have no idea why anyone would save used toilet paper because they lived in a desert. Is the poster serious in saying they do that in California? The mind boggles. We have not used mains water for over 20 years now, relying on rainwater catchment. No we don’t waste water, and virtually everyone here follows the mantra ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow; If it’s brown, flush it down’ - at least at home.
MIL has lived for years on the fringes of a modern country. Unless she has never had TV, she knows quite well what hygiene is normal. Her ‘inability’ to change just has to be ‘unwillingness’, not inability. ‘If I ruled the world! I do what I want, and you damn well put up with it’. Not on my turf, you don’t!
You made an excellent point about Farmerlee74's boyfriend expecting her to become his mom's 24/7 caregiver.
Just not yet. From how Farmerlee74 describes her situation it sounds to me like she's a caregiver-in-waiting. That the boyfriend is grooming her to take over the caregiver role for his mother at some point.
If the mom gets SS and has a government pension coming in from her late husband, she can go into a care facility. True, they will take that money and if it doesn't cover her cost the facility will get her on Medicaid to pay the rest.
Really it sounds like the son doesn't want a dime spent on caregiving services for his mother, and is playing a waiting game.
Waiting for Farmerlee74 to take over the caregiving or waiting for the mother to die.
That guy (the boyfriend) needs to take back his own life and put his mother in a care facility.
Have you decided what you want regarding next visit?
Whether him + her back (with new rules), just him (her never) or neither at all?
I know you won’t believe it, but con men are always convincing and second families are not unknown. Things that don't seem to make sense can often have a quite logical explanation that wasn't obvious. At least go down unannounced sometime, stay somewhere close and ask around. Make a check, at least about the second family. For your sake.