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My BF of 17 yrs left me six years ago and moved in with his elderly mom. We now see each other 1 week a month. During covid, even less, but now that we're all vaccinated, he has been wanting to come visit even more often. He has to care give 24/7 for his mother, who, I might add, was a horrible parent who neglected all her children and always put her husband first before anyone else, including her kids. She has three other sons and a daughter who all live within a mile of her, yet, my BF had to move out and go take care of her down in a border town about four hrs away from me. The rest of her kids refuse to talk to her or visit. My BF cannot afford to hire a a full time caregiver nor would ever put her in a home. She has Medicare only and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. He had previously hired a lady that would come from Mexico to live-in at the house, clean and take care of the mom, but now, she cannot come across the bridge, because the Pres shut down the border. They keep extending the shut down, so we don't have any idea when this lady will be able to come back. She charges a lot less than people in the states. My problem is, this past month, he has come for a much-needed visit & break, but he ended up bringing his mother, who, I will also add is a very, very dirty person. She has never been clean, even when she was younger. I believe she has Diogenes syndrome. She has never bathed, washed her hands or even brushed her teeth. My BF can't get her to even use wipes. The odor is mind boggling! I live in a one-bedroom apt and I keep it neat & clean, but now, this woman is using my bathroom, urinating all over the floor, leaving dried poop stains & pubic hairs on the toilet seat, throws the used TP in the trash can and doesn't flush. No hand washing after the toilet, either. My BF has her sleeping in my room, in my good bedding and my whole apt stinks now. They have been here for two weeks and had also come at the end of April too. He just announced they are staying till next week. We can't be intimate, go out, or do anything else because he's waiting on her hand & foot. I also work full time and am so annoyed seeing/smelling her as soon as I get home. My apt is my sanctuary and now I feel obligated, because he gives me a guilt trip and tells me things like, "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grosses out on my mom!" Or, tells me that I would've done the same thing for my mom. I do feel guilty, because I love him with all my heart, but our relationship has turned into 100% caregiving. There is no intimacy any more and I'm only 47. I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7. I feel like a vile jerk for being grossed out by this woman, but I wish she would leave!

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Your BF left you 6 years ago to wait on his mother hand & foot and you're STILL wasting your time & energy on this man??????????? I'd kick the both of them OUT of your apartment so fast their heads would spin off! How on earth do you 'love him with all of your heart' after being treated so poorly for so long? How dare he even bring such a filthy person into your home or expect you to deal with such a situation! That is total disrespect and you are allowing it.

Get rid of these people at once & move on with your life. You deserve a whole lot more than the crumbs you're being offered! Please realize that!
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CaregiverL May 27, 2021
Absolutely correct & right on! Lealonnie1!
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Your BF is married to his mom. She groomed him to obey her every command.

Please tell him to leave.
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LoopyLoo May 26, 2021
It’s YOUR apartment. You have a right to to tell BF that Mama is no longer allowed to stay.
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I hope you weren't referring to my comment.

Please read this: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/

You say that he had no choice in caring for his parents. He DID have options that he CHOSE not to exercise.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I understand a son's love for his mother. It is important but, and this is a big but, what about his love for you? I have no relationship with either of my in-laws. I knew almost from the beginning that there was something wrong with both of them. M I L is neurotic, controlling, self pitying, a pig. She comes off as very nice initially but spend any time with her and it's very apparent who she is. F I L is a pompous ass who loves to lord it over everyone. I made it clear that I would never live with them, even temporarily.

I think you need to give your BF an ultimatum. It's either you or her. I know you love him but you need to decide what you can tolerate. Even if she dies the fact that your BF has put you through this and is trying to guilt trip you about it raises all kinds of red flags for what the future might hold.
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BurntCaregiver May 27, 2021
Gershun,

Right you are about the ultimatum. He will pick his mother. Farmerlee74 lists her age as 47 years old and that she's been with the boyfriend for 17 years.
If you're still the 'girlfriend' after that many years it's because the boyfriend won't really commit to it or vice versa.
When people are older and are collecting a late spouse's pension or social security, they have financial reasons for not marrying. When you're 30 years old and start up with someone you don't. She needs to drop this mama's boy like a bad habit and find a better man while she's still young enough to.
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Not a jerk but maybe a bit delusional in regards to the boyfriend. Think about this man you are in love wirh who lives in filth with his mother and who is seemingly unbothered by his mothers lack of hygiene and filth. Think about what kind of future is possible with a man like this and how even after his mother's passes how this may continue to affect you in the future as he gets older. Will he become like his mother? I think if you step back from this man you will see many warnings and red flags about your relationship and about him. Just something to consider.
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Farmerlee74 May 26, 2021
He isn't filthy, nor has he ever been. He takes as many showers as I do and is always well groomed! He might be pissing me off about the mom, but dirty he is not!
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This sounds hellish
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You are 47. You must be sticking with this BF because you do care about him, you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t think you can do better. I found my second husband when I was 53, and we have now been happily married for 20 years. My motto while I was ‘looking’ was “Don’t look, Won’t find’.

You have a life sentence of BF and his mother, and even ‘lifers’ don’t have to live with this smell. Look a bit wider during your 3 weeks a month of 'alone', for your sanity’s sake!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Dear Farmerlee, I don’t think anyone is trying to ridicule you, and I hope that my own comment didn’t upset you. Your question was ‘Am I a jerk?’, and your description of the situation was simply awful. The obvious response was ‘No you’re not a jerk’ and ‘Get out of this situation’. What sort of response would be more helpful, or did you want?
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No you are not a jerk, but your boyfriend sure is!!! Why are you still with him , when he cares more for his mom than he does you? Surely you can do better than him. Get him and his mom out now, and never let them back in again. Your supposed boyfriend has more problems than you need to deal with, if he thinks this arrangement is ok. He's the one that should be feeling guilty, not you.
Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you have to out up with this nonsense. I'd rather be lonely that have to live like you're living, wouldn't you? Think about that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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cherokeegrrl54 May 30, 2021
You hit the proverbial nail on the head! To OP, you deserve better treatment than what your BF dishes out!!
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This is in reply to your comment ‘Long story on her doctor, who is absolutely useless. This doctor has seen & smelled my mil for years and didn't question it at all….My BF even wrote a letter to the doc a while back and asked for assistance in home health and the doctor wouldn't do it....I couldn't believe how horrible this doctor is’.

It raises a couple of questions to think about. First is whether BF should find another doctor. Second is why the doctor would refuse to help get home health. I was wondering whether the doctor’s attitude was that MIL is quite capable of caring for herself, and there is no reason why the public purse should pay for it. The doctor might not have much sympathy for BF for propping up her behavior. Would there be any truth in that take on the situation? What about a mental health referral?
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