Am I a horrible daughter for not wanting to take in my mom?

Don't take her in. When she starts the nonsense about her and druggie brother being homeless, ask her who's fault is that. You are being a good mom by taking your 12 year old into consideration. Tell her flat out that it's not your responsibility to take care of her and your worthless brother, she is gonna have to figure this out on her own.

Oy vey, we have a very similar situation! Only I did let mom (age 56) move in with us, and yes I'm regretting it. Sister mooched off of her and made off with most of her savings.

If you are concerned that she may have a mental health problem, or for her safety, I would call social services and speak to a caseworker to see how they can help her. Even if there is nothing wrong mentally, they could probably help her get into a shelter or subsidized housing so she won't end up homeless.

Don't take her in. Your and your family deserve to be safe from the chaos and drama. Don't let her bring it into your home.

Don't take her in!

Is does sound like she is at least mildly mentally impaired. I am very sympathetic to people with mental health problems, and I hope they can be helped. But being sympathetic doesn't mean I think putting the mental health of others in jeopardy is a good solution.

Don't take her in!

Does mother have savings? Any income at all? Is she capable of getting/holding a job? Could she pay Other Brother some rent until a better resolution can be put into place?

What is OB's plan when he moves out? Is he just going to walk out and say, "See ya, Ma"? If she has been living with him and she's not on the lease I would think he is responsible for getting her out at the end of the lease. How is he planning to do that? It should be made absolutely and totally clear to him that moving Mom in with you, even for a few days, Is NOT AN OPTION.

Don't take her in!

It seems to me that OB is the one who should get in touch with Adult Protection Services or the county's Human Services department. But if he won't you could do that before the lease is up. Be involved that way, from a distance. NOT with her in your home.

I can understand feeling guilty if your parent is mentally ill and is potentially facing homelessness. Wow! Talk about a guilt trip! Not many of us could be strong enough to do the sensible thing in those circumstances. But here is another way to think of it. Every time you have rescued Mom in the past it has supported your Addicted Brother. You can refuse to take her in and feel guilty about that or you can take her in and feel guilty about enabling AD. Anyway you look at it, you are in a tough situation regarding guilt. I urge you to get some counseling to help you realize that all of this drama is Not Your Fault, and there is no reason to feel guilty to act on your responsibility to your child and yourself.

We don't have excellent safety nets in place for the mildly mentally ill in the US. But I believe (hope) there are options to at least prevent homelessness.

Your mother may need ongoing help for 30 or 40 more years! Don't saddle yourself with her care. You really are not qualified to deal with her impairments, and your first responsibility is to yourself and your child.

Keep us informed about how this unfolds. Someone may have new insights as more details are known.

Stay strong!

I agree that your child is your number one priority. Your mom is in a co-dependent relationship with your addicted brother. That is NOT your responsibility. Mentally ill or not, she is 58 years old and an adult, who must be responsible for her own situation. Absolutely DO NOT take her in. The only thing you'd really be helping if you did is helping her sustain her co-dependency.

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY. Please remember that!

I come from a family where addiction has reigned supreme, and affected every single one of us. I got a LOT of help from Al-Anon - the 12 step program for families and friends of alcoholics and addicts. There, I met real people going through the same or similar things to what I was going through, people who had lots of support to offer and lots of ideas to help me. I strongly urge you to find a meeting and get yourself there. You can find a meeting by calling the number for Alcoholics Anonymous in the white pages of your phone book.

No Way, DON'T DO IT! Your first responsibility is to your child, no if and or buts. Exposing her to this sort of confusion would scar her for life, and only you can protect her from all of this!

You can escort your Mom to the nearest Social Services office, to get her on every available services possible, Welfare, food stamps, housing, displaced homemakers, but you cannot allow your Mom to have "alone access" to your child, when there is a possibility that she might be exposed to drug abuse and dysfunction, or even worse, exposure to the skeezy elements that drug addicts bring, such as other addicts, child abusers, drug dealers, and the like.

You're a Great Mom for reaching out, Please, take the Good advice, and find alternative arrangements for your Mom, and keep close tabs on that brother of yours, and do not allow hin access to your child in any form possible.

Good Luck, you can do this!

Agree, don’t do it! Direct her to county services for subsidized housing. If worse come to worse, she can go to a group home or even a homeless shelter while she awaits housing.
Your daughter is priority #1. If your mom moves in, there goes your daughter’s stable environment that you’ve undoubtedly worked so hard to give her. You need to be her advocate. You don’t want to expose your daughter to the toxic atmosphere of your mother enabling your brother’s addiction. You are inviting chaos.
Stand firm, but don’t take her in your home.

Be a GOOD MOTHER and protect YOUR daughter from your mother. Your loyalty is to your CHILD.

Yes - would you rather be a "horrible" daughter or an irresponsible mother?

I'm so, so sorry that you are being given this insane choice. But all of your instincts are correct. Just as you recognise that your mother enables your addicted brother, so I suspect you already know that if you prop her up now you will just be following suit and enabling her.

It is hard and it feels cruel but you are *right.* Stick to your guns.

Do not take her in, even for one night. She will never leave. Your obligation is to your daughter. She doesn't deserve to be put through this.

The guilty conscience is really bad and hard to constantly fight it off. But you need to fight it. It's very important to not allow your mother to spend the night or weeks with you. Once she enters your home, it would be very, very, very difficult to get her to move out.

If you allow her to move in, you Know that your junkie brother will be hanging around your home because your mother will still be giving handouts - from your home, your food, your belongings, etc.. What if your mom okays for junkie brother to spend the night in your livingroom - without asking for your permission? I mean, she now lives in your home. How can you be so mean to your poor brother? It's only for one night.... etc...

Your mom have always played the victim. What if she decides to do the same to you? She doesn't like what you said or you raised your voice to her out of frustration. As the victim, what will she do? If she's mentally unstable enough to believe she's the victim, she might call 911 and accuse you of abusing her. Who do you think the cops will believe? ... You Know all this, don't you? But it's that lousy guilty conscience that's the main problem.

I'd reread and meditate on what the other above posters recommended to do about helping your mom find an alternative home.

Don’t let her move in! She needs to see Dept of Human Seevices. They in turn can direct her low income housing, mental health services. She will be assigned a case worker who can assist.

What is the best thing for mom? Living with you would NOT provide the kind of mental health treatment she needs as well as keeping her away from your addict brother.

Living with you would be harmful for your daughter as others have stated above.

We all think it is pretty obvious that while guilt says "take her in" logic says "she needs more help than i can provide. My daughter needs to be protected. I cannot take her in. We need to find other options".

Good luck!!

No you are not a horrible daughter. Your a concerned mother. Since is now with your brother, recommend he take her to Social Services. They may listen to him before a daughter. There is still that belief where girls should take care of parents.

I agree with everyone, Don't take her in. Your daughter does not need to be around her Glom or Uncle. And...I would no longer bail her out because she gives druggie son money. There are food closets if she needs food. I would distance myself for your sanity.

Thank you for your support! My mom has only been staying with my brother for the last week. She has a part time job, but still has no money even though she has no expenses. My brother is done helping her since her whole paycheck was gone in a day and she let my addict brother in his house. I will contact social services this week and see what her options are. I haven’t talked to her yet, because I am so mad at the situation.

By the way she has no savings, no assets and doesn’t even have her car anymore.

Your first duty is clearly to your daughter. Do not let your mom in your home, anywhere near your child. Much too dangerous for your family. And, your mother and addict brother need professional help - this is way beyond what you could handle, even if you had no child to consider. You would not really be helping her, so much as enabling. Posters above have good suggestions about sources of help for her.