I am divorced, 1 estranged adult child, have complex medical issues and longtime friend doesn’t want healthcare POA. Not sure what to do. Any advice?

There are attorneys who specialize in elder care issues. Of course they would have to get paid but they would have your best interests at heart. You shouldn't have to continually pay until you are at the point of needing more care. I don't know how payments would work then but you could certainly ask.

When my husband and I updated our wills we worked with an attorney who was describing his role with clients such as yourself. It should offer peace of mind.

What specifically are you worried about?

If it is medical decisions then be certain that your Advance Directive is registered. Kaiser ASKED us last year to put ours on record.
Should be entered into your MD's records also.

If there is no family and a person has passed to the place where medical care, in the opinion of the doctor is of little use, then the doctor will make the decisions if there is no family present, usually with the help of social services, a sort of board where decisions are made for those alone and with no one.

If you are worried you will face dementia and no one to act for you do know that social services will be called upon to contact a judge to appoint a court appointed Fiduciary to handle your affairs, your placement.

If you are alone a will copy should be carefully placed where it can be found.

Are there other things I am missing? Let me know. And if you feel increasingly unable to handle things do consider a licensed Fiduciary.

Since you don’t wish for your estranged daughter to inherit any money or property, can’t you just state explicitly in your will that she is not to receive anything.

Do you even know where she is or if she is dead or alive?

If your long-time friend is close in age to you then I agree that this is not the best person to be your HPoA since they could easily pass before you or become sick or have age-related decline and need their own help.

In my experience with my SFIL, an organization called Lutheran Social Services was who became his guardian (as his case was being handled by the county and he had Parkinsons and refused to assign a PoA). In my dealings with them, there was always more than 1 person in communication with me, so more like a team. I'm not sure if the org was his guardian and the team were his assigned managers but it seemed that way. Maybe see if there is such a non-profit org in your state that you can assign a pre-need guardianship.

This same SFIL was a trustee for many years a very wealthy mentally disabled relative, along with an attorney, so there was a check & balance system for financially managing her affairs.

Really Medical POA has no real responsibility. A Healthcare directive is not effective unless you are incapacitated in some way. Your directive should list everything you want and don't want. All the POA does is make sure your requests are followed thru. Its the financial that can be a headache and since I held Moms and my nephews too, I would not do it again.

"money was given to my disabled, brother that has cancer, MS and diabetes, and his wife turned around and bought a rental"

Why do u think the State would get involved with something like this? What you should have done, was pay the bills they couldn't directly. Never just hand over money. Lesson learned I guess. So this means u can't trust SIL. Sad.

If I understand you correctly, you are afraid if you should become incapacitated, your daughter could convert your assets for her own use instead of using them for your care. I think the solution is a (younger) attorney that specializes in this kind of work. They have the expertise to deal with this type of problem. At least they’d be able to provide a recommendation if they don’t act as the fiduciary themselves. I can’t imagine that a friend, no matter how good a friend, would ever want to be in the middle of the situation you describe. It would be a nightmare and could even subject them to legal problems. Calls for professional help imo.

Can you find a younger, healthier eldercare attorney outside of your attorney's practice whom you can trust? Also, the region where you live is not in your profile.

I would contact your county Department of Aging and see if they have a social worker who can help you. I just found out yesterday that my state (Maryland) has something called a First Maryland Disability Trust. This trust would manage your affairs if you became incapacitated. I have not yet had a chance to research it, but I definitely will. Maybe your state has something similar.

As far as wills go, you can specify in your will that all your money except $1 go to a charity or another person. Specifically state in the will that your child receive $1 (or even something from your home, like your China or photos). That will force her/him to come to the reading of the Will, and since you left him/her SOMETHING, he/she will not be able to dispute the will in court.

If there are no trusted close relatives (adult child, sibling, cousin, or friend able and willing), then it is time for you to get with an elder care attorney licensed in your state to work through "end of life" issues: Will/Trust (if desired); final arrangements, funeral, burial, etc and pre-pay all of that if you can so it is taken care of/arranged; POA (perhaps a springing version tied to either a medical or legal competency determination for when effective and for what decisions); and potentially pre planning for guardianship should that case arise given no close relatives/friends willing to step in even just with the POA; Advanced Directive, etc.

None of this is fun to think about and all of us tend to avoid these decisions. But best IMHO if pre planning is done so your wishes are carried out and it is not a legal hot mess for someone else to work through (be that family, friends or frankly the State).

Since you are concerned about financial exploitation this question isn't really about a medical POA.

To protect your assets to be used for your care I would think a trust could be setup with your money.

Then that money is used for your care and housing etc should you become incapacitated.

Honestly if your lawyer didn't tell you about this option it may be time to get a new lawyer.

The healthcare POA is really about getting your final wishes fulfilled. This is important to you, or you wouldn’t be asking here. Set this up right and don’t scrimp.

Dont feel badly about the lack of support - many are in this situation.

Make arrangements for everything, just as you wish! Find a wonderful charity you would like to support with your estate.

Dont feel the need to support those that won’t support you.

An Elder Law Attorney " should" be able to direct you. Note " Elder Law..." specialty. You could contact one of choice and explain that you would like a " no charge" initial meeting/ consult to determine if they are in fact right for you.

Do you affiliate with a faith group? Some clergy may be able to help direct you. Note " some".... Not all..
A larger church 'may' have better possibility of this than a smaller church.

Another option: Competent, Licensed, Social Services ( Social Workers) 'should' be another option for you to get some clarity and direction.

Make all of your " pre arranged" end of life preferences ( burial vs cremation etc etc) with a funeral/ cremation services of your choice.

Be sure that you have in place end of life documents and copies provided to PCP, any facility you may be in , and copies in a prominent place in your home( if at home) .... A Licensed Social Worker ( competent) should be able to help you with these and directions ...

Speak with your PCP ( Primary Care Physician) ( you may already have done this) about your situation; they may or may not be able to refer you to appropriate services...

I have a similar child. My will states that he gets $1.00 only. That is so he cannot contest the will, as being left out altogether. My will was done by a Certified Elder Care Attorney, I highly recommend you only use that designation. It brings great peace of mind.

My attorney recommended signing up for a public guardian; I added on that I want our attorney to oversee that person (i.e. "checks and balances").

You have a good, trustworthy attorney but he is sole practitioner and has health challenges. This good man or woman will be in a position to recommend another trustworthy FIRM of lawyers in which one or two of the lawyers are expert in ElderCare issues. Please do have your current, older attorney assist you in selecting the new Elder Care attorney firm.

I have three natural relatives who are two siblings and a niece on my medical POA. When I run out of help because they either die out ahead of me or cannot anymore, next are younger relatives related by marriage from my brother's side, because I had no children and no other siblings besides my one sister did. Her daughter is in her forties and hopefully in good enough health to help for years to come. Her son has bipolar and unable to help. I am only 67, the youngest in our family of siblings but was told not to worry. I likely will get a social worker in CA to coordinate with family in OR for help when the time comes I require assistance.

Earlyabuse: Perhaps you can speak to the social worker at your town's COA (Council on Aging).

An elder atty, with any expertise at all, should have been able to help you set up what you need. Such as appropriate will to determine where your leftover assets will go upon death. As well, there are ways to set up management of your financials should you become incapacitated and unable to manage your own affairs. Of course, it will cost money to have that oversight of your affairs.

Check your area for legal aid so you can talk with an attorney, perhaps free or lower cost. You may have too much income/money to qualify for that, but can't hurt to try. If you have money, just find another attorney and ask for a consult before you pay. When I needed an elder attorney for someone, I took all the documents I could find and asked questions. At the end of the conversation he said to proceed with this, it will cost XX dollars.