How to deal with Alzheimer's husband on a cruise?

I personally would never consider taking someone with dementia or Alzheimer's on a cruise or any other type of vacation since this would confuse them even more than they already are. I would consider going by myself and letting someone else watch the person for a few days or so, maybe even a week just to give me a break from the situation because these types of people are just not easy to deal with, especially if you don't know how to deal with them. Even for experienced people, you still need a break and this is a time I would take the cruise alone or with another person like another family member or even a friend but no way would I ever take someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. If you think they're confused now, they'll be even more confused far from their familiar surroundings. Another thing I strongly agree with is watching the balcony along with other dangers, especially hidden ones. There are just some types of people you really shouldn't take certain places because those types of people are less likely to be able to handle it and those with dementia or Alzheimer's or among those people. Something people just can't handle certain types of settings depending on the people and their capabilities of coping

I read an article about this if my husband was totally incontinent, which hers is I would rethink the cruise, the writer seems to depend on staff assisting on her travels. I myself could not do that. My husband does not have bathroom ing problems, just everything else, and he's way too confused since my last post here to take him anywhere he freaks out on me even in the car sometimes. He's most content at home, it's familiar, so that's what we do.

There is an excellent article on U.S. News and World Report titled "How Caregivers Vacation With Dementia Victims". It tells about a woman who takes her husband on cruises and vacations. Please read the article as it is quite helpful.

I have been thinking about taking my mother on a cruise which leaves from our city so no flights to worry about. I checked cruise blogs and quite a few people take Alzheimer family on cruises. Most were ok, some really enjoyed their time together. They knew they had to watch them 24/7, dined alone or with family so as not to impose on other passengers and all said cruise staff were wonderful Of course if your husband has any aggression issue that would be a problem. Some other adjustments that helped were no balcony cabins, put a chair in front of the door at night to prevent wandering, put their cabin card around their neck or a wristband with cabin number just in case, made sure they did't get over tired, and they let the staff know their situation up front. Don't worry about what other people think. Anyone bothered by seeing someone with Alzhiemers is probably also bothered by seeing the mentally handicapped, autistic, blind or anyone else with a medical issue. Should parents with handicapped children never leave their house because the sight of them might bother someone and upset their day? As long as they are not being put upon, those kind of people need to mind their own business. If they are not patient or kind enough to understand then let them stay home in their own perfect world. They need to say to themselves "there but for the Grace of God go I" If your husband is healthy and you think he would not get too stressed (for his sake) then I say try a short cruise 2-5 days just to check it out. Be careful when you leave him to use the bathroom or shower that he does not wander away. Maybe one of your kind friends could watch him for that short time. If I were someone's true friend I wouldn't mind.doing that for them. Just go into it with your eyes wide open that it may be a challenge, you may not be able to do the things your friends will do and you may decide never to do it again. I don't think you would enjoy yourself anyway if he were in respite. You would worry too much because you are a kind loving soul. I hope it works out.

have a great time, it will be ok!

I hope everything goes well, Sheila. I find that heavy tipping make staff very attentive to my in-laws. Good luck.

I appreciate everyones opinion about taking him on the cruise. Since I have already paid for the cruise and our friends are going and they know his situation and have offered to help I will be taking him. He is not at a stage where I can put him in respite or have someone come in while I am away he will freak out. He is very attached to me.Just pray for me that things go well I will post when I return. The cruise is after thanksgiving.

indispensable

I think she said she talked to her Dr and he said just give him an extra Ativan on the cruise. I am a caregiver, but wife first, to my dear husband, and I can tell you I am indespenable to my husband, I know he could survive without me in a nursing home, but I've seen him in that setting, and I wouldn't do that to my dog, let alone my husband, as a friend recently told me that has affiliation with a State Veterans Home Alzheimers unit, she was told get your husband out of here or he'll be just like everyone you see wandering around here within a week! Wish it were not so, but I is, his every waking moment depends on me.

I meant to say that these are our opinions and experiences. I wish there was an edit button on this forum :)

JuJuBean - the original post asked how to keep him calm on a cruise. Obviously, this person was having second thoughts. I'm hoping she asked his doctor what s/he thought. Most of us have had experience with keeping our parents/husbands/wives/siblings calm in the midst of many people. Most of us have seen agitation. And it ain't pretty. Cruises have many people and are quite frankly, noisy. Dementia patients for the most part cannot handle the noise and the confusion. They may start to pace or want to leave the room.

When someone asks a question like that, they're asking for opinions. I don't believe it's your place to tell others they are forcing anything on any one person. Nobody is forcing their opinions on anyone. We are offering our experiences, not opinions. I would never take my mom on a cruise. She'd be so confused, I wouldn't have a good time and neither would she. Not only that, but her executive functions have diminished. She literally doesn't know when to stop eating, or how to pace herself when eating. She'd have a blast at the buffet! Others not so much. Where would I leave her while I got her food? I'd be feeding her, not enjoying the cruise. What would be the point?

Dementia and Alzheimer's are diseases that have pretty much the same dynamics, i.e., confusion, agitation, sundowning, etc., etc. Yes, people experience these dynamics in many different ways, but for the most part, they are pretty well established.

Also, there are many, many caregivers who believe their loved ones can't live without them. I believe it's the caregiver who thinks they are indispensable, not the person being cared for.

That's my 'opinion'. Nobody HAS to take it. But a person who has an open mind can take all opinions into consideration and make up their own minds. For the most part, nobody slams others on these boards for their opinions. In fact, you're the first I've read.

jujubean, some of us readers who are not familiar with the original writer of the question [Sheilaallison1] will go back in time to read previous postings, like one back in July where she wrote about difficult issues with her husband. That will give us a good base to work with. And that is why some of the writers here wrote what they did.

*(not) to word it like it is the only option...

yes I agree everyone can have an opimion and offer it, but to tell someone what to do is different...to suggest it, if it would work in their situation. to word it like it is the only option...and I read thru the whole thread while back and I didn't see anywhere that she had sed he was disruptive or violent....that is all it seemed like people had assumed they knew what was best!
anyway it's all good now!

jujubean, if anyone thought the same, there wouldn't be a need for forums such as these.

Juju, most of us come here to ask genuine questions and to get genuine answers. I first came here when my mil was dying and I got tough, honest and truly helpful advice...which was to back off and let my brother in law manage as he saw firm to help my husband have a decent last visit with his mom. This was priceless. It sometimes takes some tough talk to get those of us who are "know it alls" to see wisdom.

Sorry jujubean, if people don't want others opinions, don't ask, and don't write in this page...by the way, what does Facebook has to do with this matter...I am personally a Facebook/Twitter illiterate.

i would say 98% feel it's not a good choice to take this trip mainly because she had problems previously on a cruise. Juju, I agree somewhat with what you say, there are some on here that need to find another forum of people to goad! If I was going to try something new with my husband I would want true answers of those who have done it, not some of the demeaning answers found here.

has anyone thought this poor woman cannot or does not want respite or to go alone..i am sure she is not back due to the drama you all put before her...forcing your thoughts and opinions on someone you don't even know!!! I am learning this is just a joke like facebook! a place for people who need attention, ideals, self absorbtion, not to actually help each other!!!!.People are individuals and have unique needs...for a stranger to tell someone what they should do is not a wise or healthy thing to do!!

Thank you Patti! A relevant and sympathetic response based on direct experience of a similar situation. I knew there'd be one!

Sheilaallison1, hope everything is ok.... we haven't heard from you since you first wrote the question whether you should take your hubby on the cruise. Let us know what you decided to do :)

My husband used to love cruising. The last time we went, it was a disaster. He would not eat and I couldn't leave him alone. Needless to say, we spent the entire cruise in our cabin. His dementia has really accelerated since the last cruise and we have stopped vacationing. Please check out respite care, as you need it. He will be fine and you will feel refreshed with some time away for "me" time.

Obviously, you are the one who wants to go on a cruise. Leave him home, with a paid nurse. As for me, I will not even think of taking a vacation even with my husband in a NH. The "what if", will always be on my mind.

I wore my heart on my sleeve. I see where I come across as a not so loving person. I regret that. I do care about people of all ages. My Granny lived to be 97 and was never afflicted with AD. I take care of my auntie of my own choice and am very glad that it is in my stars to do so until I cannot. I will know when that time comes. When I flew her here to Florida from Portland, Oregon, for the first time away from her home of 15 years, it was very, very, scary. That was 2.5 years ago. I so wish I could fly with her to see family. I am the second oldest of seven and my parents are still married and alive at age 82 each. My auntie is my mother's two years older sister whom she was very close with growing up....then, they grew apart and became estranged. Hard feelings caused no one in my family to care about her. It came to be that I have always and that's that. It's not fun dealing with super incontinence, but by God, I do some how get through it twice a day. She knows who we are and for the woman who commented on going to the beauty shop comparing it to going to the mall, I must tell you, a very small, two woman chair beauty shop where she has been taken to for nearly three years now is a beautifully happy place for her. Thanks to those who gave input. This has been quite a 'chat'.

Sheilaallison1, I came across this post you wrote back in July, and wondering if things have changed for the better.... "My husband fights me with everything, especially wanting to drive. It's so hard especially when he yells constantly and asks the same questions every ten minutes. Thank god I work or I would be crazy by now. I have an aid but he fights with her. I have tried taking him to daycare but he refuses to go."

If I were you, I would put hubby in temporary care facility, and enjoy the trip yourself along with the friends who will be joining you on the trip.

I agree with NAncy. You are asking how to deal with it and obviously already understand the limitations. My MIL cruises and places FIL in respite care so she can get away and enjoy her cruise, ports, friends without dad. Even though FIL would rather have her home with him, he is kept in a routine, and not put through all the wearying, disruptive situations with traveling and being placed in new unfamiliar surroundings. She goes wth some guilt of course, but deals with that vs constant hassle of accommodating dads situation in such a public setting. Besides, it's NO FUN for dad to be constantly bombarded with all the new situations and unfamiliar territory.

These may be good friends, but have you considered how they may feel restricted with extra care dad needs, special needs, inability to go on some longer excursions, your distraction with hubby's care?

I think you have right intentions, and if it's early ALZ and husband is functioning well, then by all means go and have fun. But if his limitations are greater, consider your own needs and fun and do your husband and friends a favor and leave hubby in the comfort of his home with care or respite care. Create a celebration after the trip and share pictures and a small dinner party with your friends and husband upon your return so he'll feel like he was there.

Unless I missed it, she said stressed not violent or disruptive, or unattended to???
Let each individual take the advice bit' s and pieces that apply to their situation and not decide what is best for someone we don't even know!

Many on this thread have tried to point out that people with Alzheimer's are unpredictable. Going about one's activities of daily living doesn't include cruising. That Sheila's husband wanted to get off the ship once before suffests that cruising is stressful for him. That may increase his unpredictability and no one can rule out violence in someone with this disease. Society is getting better at accommodating people in wheelchairs because their needs are predictable and they can live independently. People with Alzheimer's are not predictable and cannot live independently. Can this man do the lifeboat drill? What happens when it's not a drill? Can he be trusted in an emergency to follow orders? No. People with Alzheimer's, dementia and severe mental impairments can be disruptive and violent. Subjecting personnel and passengers to them is unfair and inconsiderate. The needs of one do not outweigh the needs of the many. As someone who used to work for a cruise line I can say that ships are huge and the risks at sea are real. And drugging this man is not the solution. In the event of an emergency he will become a problem for some unsuspecting, untrained crew member to deal with. I've had my fair share of caregiver angst and burn out. I understand why Sheila needs a cruise but other passengers may be trying to get away from caregiving for a week. Is she prepared to compensate them if something goes wrong? Is she prepared to hold the cruise line harmless if her husband jumps overboard or injured someone? And what of that someone is she herself? I believe Sheila is throwing caution to the wind and ought to think long and hard before taking the cruise.

I traveled a lot with my husband during his 10-year dementia journey. Our last cruise was five months before he died. His dementia specialist encouraged these trips and always asked about them.

It was a change of scenery for me, but never really a vacation. It is A LOT of work travelling with someone with special needs. But it was building memories together, and he enjoyed looking forward to it, doing it, and looking at the pictures afterward.

Each situation is very different, of course. Sheilaallison1 you have done this before and you have some idea of what to expect. I assume the people traveling with you fully understand the situation and will be supportive. This is strictly your decision.

I would like to ask for those who do want to vacation with respite....can anyone share their experiences with this "Medicare 1 week" respite mentioned.....I have called them before asking for help but did not hear about this??