How to deal with Alzheimer's husband on a cruise?

I really felt the sting when I read all the negative responses to dirty! I think the caregiver needs a respite and it would not be any fun taking my partner along. I have a close friend who had to fly home after 3 days of a nice ocean
side resort because of a disoriented partner who kept going in the wrong rooms. I have put my partner in respite care while I was having surgery, and it was a disaster (and a very expensive one) for everyone involved. No matter how you feel about it, you must consider the other vacationers who would not be so patient with someone wandering into their room, or have the empathy that you do. Don't you sometimes wish that people would leave their obnoxious poorly trained children at home so you and your friends can have a reasonable conversation at breakfast in a nice restaurant. Especially loud ADHD children who scream at parents. I agree so completely with dirty and feel sorry for everyone who doesn't realize that life will never again be the same for you if you are trying to do the best for your loved one. You must put your own needs on hold.

Maybe because we have taken so many cruises, they are restful for us. I make a routine each day, help him with meal choices, arrange rests each day, stay with him most of the time. I only leave him when he is in the gym doing his exercises and they watch him there. He is very social at meals but if I sense that his is restless we excuse ourselves and find some other activity. We do not travel with others but if they are truly friends I would hope that they would give you an occasional break. I find most people are very kind and helpful. Good luck, be peaceful and hopefully you will both have a lovely time.

I must apologize for making a negative comment about another!
It just hit a nerve with me
As I mentioned my mom is sweet and calm, no outburst or agitation etc...only maybe a little loud due to hearing issues. anyway she does require help and reminders to eat!
I was reminded of a situation where as I took her out to church and Sunday brunch on Mothers day. In our tiny country community I chose a place I had heard was a good family owned diner, for a reason! I don't know if it was us or them but we were literally nearly ignored by waitstaff thank goodness I didn't need any ketchup! Anyway we were definitely stared at by everyone. It would have been a lovely morning without that! It broke my heart, but was blessed that she could not recognize what had happened. she had a nice breakfast!

Again I apologize!

@Dirtydimensia - your posts are coming across as very negative re ALZ patients. I believe you must be stressed to the max in order to think the way you do. I'm a realist, too, but I try not to sound so negative. Your first post was incredibly rude. And your answers even ruder. For example, 'thank you very much' isn't exactly the nicest thing to add on to a post. I have to ask you why you think dropping your auntie off at the hairdresser is any different from taking her to a mall and forcing her on others? Aren't you 'forcing' her on others getting their hair done, perhaps their time of respite from their caregiving duties? I mean, gees, who on earth would want to sit in the chair next to an person with ALZ! Well, I for one wouldn't care. Just like I wouldn't care if I saw an infirmed person in a mall and/or a cruise for that matter. Perhaps if others saw the elderly and the infirmed more often, they would know they exist.

Your thinking is faulty. While you may not want to see others in public places with this dreadful illness, thankfully, the majority of others don't care. I've had people come up to me and actually huge me, stating how much they care and how they've been through this, and good luck, etc. I've never had anyone say to me "Get that woman out of here, she disgusts me!"....

You need to lighten up. I think you need to take a deep breathe and ask yourself where your hate for the infirmed being in public places comes from.

Think about that and I'd think twice before posting such hateful comments. That is not the way to get help for your own questions.

I think we need to have a lot of compassion for each other. This has turned into a nasty rant. I know where dirtydementia is coming from, and I believe we have all been there at times. Just understand that a stressed-out caregiver might have had a totally different experience than you are having and sees things in a different light. The best thing to remember is that there are no saints here. We are all just human beings with different burdens, trying to help each other out. If we can listen respectfully to each other, that will be a helpful contribution. No need to call someone a hater when you don't know that to be true.

I would like to ask for those who do want to vacation with respite....can anyone share their experiences with this "Medicare 1 week" respite mentioned.....I have called them before asking for help but did not hear about this??

I traveled a lot with my husband during his 10-year dementia journey. Our last cruise was five months before he died. His dementia specialist encouraged these trips and always asked about them.

It was a change of scenery for me, but never really a vacation. It is A LOT of work travelling with someone with special needs. But it was building memories together, and he enjoyed looking forward to it, doing it, and looking at the pictures afterward.

Each situation is very different, of course. Sheilaallison1 you have done this before and you have some idea of what to expect. I assume the people traveling with you fully understand the situation and will be supportive. This is strictly your decision.

Many on this thread have tried to point out that people with Alzheimer's are unpredictable. Going about one's activities of daily living doesn't include cruising. That Sheila's husband wanted to get off the ship once before suffests that cruising is stressful for him. That may increase his unpredictability and no one can rule out violence in someone with this disease. Society is getting better at accommodating people in wheelchairs because their needs are predictable and they can live independently. People with Alzheimer's are not predictable and cannot live independently. Can this man do the lifeboat drill? What happens when it's not a drill? Can he be trusted in an emergency to follow orders? No. People with Alzheimer's, dementia and severe mental impairments can be disruptive and violent. Subjecting personnel and passengers to them is unfair and inconsiderate. The needs of one do not outweigh the needs of the many. As someone who used to work for a cruise line I can say that ships are huge and the risks at sea are real. And drugging this man is not the solution. In the event of an emergency he will become a problem for some unsuspecting, untrained crew member to deal with. I've had my fair share of caregiver angst and burn out. I understand why Sheila needs a cruise but other passengers may be trying to get away from caregiving for a week. Is she prepared to compensate them if something goes wrong? Is she prepared to hold the cruise line harmless if her husband jumps overboard or injured someone? And what of that someone is she herself? I believe Sheila is throwing caution to the wind and ought to think long and hard before taking the cruise.

Unless I missed it, she said stressed not violent or disruptive, or unattended to???
Let each individual take the advice bit' s and pieces that apply to their situation and not decide what is best for someone we don't even know!

I agree with NAncy. You are asking how to deal with it and obviously already understand the limitations. My MIL cruises and places FIL in respite care so she can get away and enjoy her cruise, ports, friends without dad. Even though FIL would rather have her home with him, he is kept in a routine, and not put through all the wearying, disruptive situations with traveling and being placed in new unfamiliar surroundings. She goes wth some guilt of course, but deals with that vs constant hassle of accommodating dads situation in such a public setting. Besides, it's NO FUN for dad to be constantly bombarded with all the new situations and unfamiliar territory.

These may be good friends, but have you considered how they may feel restricted with extra care dad needs, special needs, inability to go on some longer excursions, your distraction with hubby's care?

I think you have right intentions, and if it's early ALZ and husband is functioning well, then by all means go and have fun. But if his limitations are greater, consider your own needs and fun and do your husband and friends a favor and leave hubby in the comfort of his home with care or respite care. Create a celebration after the trip and share pictures and a small dinner party with your friends and husband upon your return so he'll feel like he was there.

Sheilaallison1, I came across this post you wrote back in July, and wondering if things have changed for the better.... "My husband fights me with everything, especially wanting to drive. It's so hard especially when he yells constantly and asks the same questions every ten minutes. Thank god I work or I would be crazy by now. I have an aid but he fights with her. I have tried taking him to daycare but he refuses to go."

If I were you, I would put hubby in temporary care facility, and enjoy the trip yourself along with the friends who will be joining you on the trip.

I wore my heart on my sleeve. I see where I come across as a not so loving person. I regret that. I do care about people of all ages. My Granny lived to be 97 and was never afflicted with AD. I take care of my auntie of my own choice and am very glad that it is in my stars to do so until I cannot. I will know when that time comes. When I flew her here to Florida from Portland, Oregon, for the first time away from her home of 15 years, it was very, very, scary. That was 2.5 years ago. I so wish I could fly with her to see family. I am the second oldest of seven and my parents are still married and alive at age 82 each. My auntie is my mother's two years older sister whom she was very close with growing up....then, they grew apart and became estranged. Hard feelings caused no one in my family to care about her. It came to be that I have always and that's that. It's not fun dealing with super incontinence, but by God, I do some how get through it twice a day. She knows who we are and for the woman who commented on going to the beauty shop comparing it to going to the mall, I must tell you, a very small, two woman chair beauty shop where she has been taken to for nearly three years now is a beautifully happy place for her. Thanks to those who gave input. This has been quite a 'chat'.

Obviously, you are the one who wants to go on a cruise. Leave him home, with a paid nurse. As for me, I will not even think of taking a vacation even with my husband in a NH. The "what if", will always be on my mind.

My husband used to love cruising. The last time we went, it was a disaster. He would not eat and I couldn't leave him alone. Needless to say, we spent the entire cruise in our cabin. His dementia has really accelerated since the last cruise and we have stopped vacationing. Please check out respite care, as you need it. He will be fine and you will feel refreshed with some time away for "me" time.

Sheilaallison1, hope everything is ok.... we haven't heard from you since you first wrote the question whether you should take your hubby on the cruise. Let us know what you decided to do :)

Thank you Patti! A relevant and sympathetic response based on direct experience of a similar situation. I knew there'd be one!

has anyone thought this poor woman cannot or does not want respite or to go alone..i am sure she is not back due to the drama you all put before her...forcing your thoughts and opinions on someone you don't even know!!! I am learning this is just a joke like facebook! a place for people who need attention, ideals, self absorbtion, not to actually help each other!!!!.People are individuals and have unique needs...for a stranger to tell someone what they should do is not a wise or healthy thing to do!!

i would say 98% feel it's not a good choice to take this trip mainly because she had problems previously on a cruise. Juju, I agree somewhat with what you say, there are some on here that need to find another forum of people to goad! If I was going to try something new with my husband I would want true answers of those who have done it, not some of the demeaning answers found here.

Sorry jujubean, if people don't want others opinions, don't ask, and don't write in this page...by the way, what does Facebook has to do with this matter...I am personally a Facebook/Twitter illiterate.

Juju, most of us come here to ask genuine questions and to get genuine answers. I first came here when my mil was dying and I got tough, honest and truly helpful advice...which was to back off and let my brother in law manage as he saw firm to help my husband have a decent last visit with his mom. This was priceless. It sometimes takes some tough talk to get those of us who are "know it alls" to see wisdom.

jujubean, if anyone thought the same, there wouldn't be a need for forums such as these.

yes I agree everyone can have an opimion and offer it, but to tell someone what to do is different...to suggest it, if it would work in their situation. to word it like it is the only option...and I read thru the whole thread while back and I didn't see anywhere that she had sed he was disruptive or violent....that is all it seemed like people had assumed they knew what was best!
anyway it's all good now!

*(not) to word it like it is the only option...

jujubean, some of us readers who are not familiar with the original writer of the question [Sheilaallison1] will go back in time to read previous postings, like one back in July where she wrote about difficult issues with her husband. That will give us a good base to work with. And that is why some of the writers here wrote what they did.

JuJuBean - the original post asked how to keep him calm on a cruise. Obviously, this person was having second thoughts. I'm hoping she asked his doctor what s/he thought. Most of us have had experience with keeping our parents/husbands/wives/siblings calm in the midst of many people. Most of us have seen agitation. And it ain't pretty. Cruises have many people and are quite frankly, noisy. Dementia patients for the most part cannot handle the noise and the confusion. They may start to pace or want to leave the room.

When someone asks a question like that, they're asking for opinions. I don't believe it's your place to tell others they are forcing anything on any one person. Nobody is forcing their opinions on anyone. We are offering our experiences, not opinions. I would never take my mom on a cruise. She'd be so confused, I wouldn't have a good time and neither would she. Not only that, but her executive functions have diminished. She literally doesn't know when to stop eating, or how to pace herself when eating. She'd have a blast at the buffet! Others not so much. Where would I leave her while I got her food? I'd be feeding her, not enjoying the cruise. What would be the point?

Dementia and Alzheimer's are diseases that have pretty much the same dynamics, i.e., confusion, agitation, sundowning, etc., etc. Yes, people experience these dynamics in many different ways, but for the most part, they are pretty well established.

Also, there are many, many caregivers who believe their loved ones can't live without them. I believe it's the caregiver who thinks they are indispensable, not the person being cared for.

That's my 'opinion'. Nobody HAS to take it. But a person who has an open mind can take all opinions into consideration and make up their own minds. For the most part, nobody slams others on these boards for their opinions. In fact, you're the first I've read.

I meant to say that these are our opinions and experiences. I wish there was an edit button on this forum :)

I think she said she talked to her Dr and he said just give him an extra Ativan on the cruise. I am a caregiver, but wife first, to my dear husband, and I can tell you I am indespenable to my husband, I know he could survive without me in a nursing home, but I've seen him in that setting, and I wouldn't do that to my dog, let alone my husband, as a friend recently told me that has affiliation with a State Veterans Home Alzheimers unit, she was told get your husband out of here or he'll be just like everyone you see wandering around here within a week! Wish it were not so, but I is, his every waking moment depends on me.

indispensable

I appreciate everyones opinion about taking him on the cruise. Since I have already paid for the cruise and our friends are going and they know his situation and have offered to help I will be taking him. He is not at a stage where I can put him in respite or have someone come in while I am away he will freak out. He is very attached to me.Just pray for me that things go well I will post when I return. The cruise is after thanksgiving.

I hope everything goes well, Sheila. I find that heavy tipping make staff very attentive to my in-laws. Good luck.