A little back story: My mom (now 72) was a very distant mother, would call me stupid, lazy, a brat, told me my father didn't love me and would move back to his home country if he could (he was actually extremely loving to me, we were close until he passed away when I was a teenager.) When I was sick in my late teens with a then undiagnosed autoimmune disorder she told me she didn't want to help me because she had already gone through my dad being sick. She was cold, mean, would tell me how she had a hard life and gave up her happiness to be married and have kids. She was and is a functioning alcoholic, starting to drink in the evening and staying up all hours just smoking and drinking alone after everyone else was in bed.
Very shortly after my dad died, (they were still married at the time) she met a man who moved in with her. This was fine as he was nice and she had a companion. After 25 years of living together he passed away this week. She has never had friends or any community life outside of her husband and then her boyfriend.
She now wants to move near me. My brother and sister and I suggested she look into a ccrc, but she says no way. She wants a condo near me. She said she'll give up her car and I can do her errands and help care for her, that she can't be alone and needs help. I have 2 young children and work full time, my husband works about 60+ hours a week, we are already really strapped for time.
I think if we had had a loving relationship I would be more eager to step up to the plate, but all of this is bringing up all the cruel interactions I had with her as a kid. My brother and sister have flat out said they don't want her near them because she is so toxic. Because I am the "nice" one it makes sense I should care for her.
Should I try to persuade her into a CCRC? Should I get counseling and move past our past and help? I feel very overwhelmed. In addition to drinking, she hasn't been to the Dr. is 42 years (when I was born) smokes 2 packs a day, and my sister (who is in the health field) thinks she has suffered a stroke due to slurred/ lispy speech. She also clearly has broken a wrist and it rehealed incorrectly. We have begged her to go the doctor, tried to set up appointments and bring when we visit, but she refuses. I am worried her health will go further south and she won't accept professional help, and I will need to stop working to care for her.