Follow
Share

My Mom is 85 and has early stages of dementia. She is still fairly functional, able to dress, bathe, use the telephone, fix some meals, etc. She recently fell and broke her hip, but has recovered remarkably well. She is able to walk with a walker and gets around reasonably well.


As her son I'm the only one responsible for her but I live in a different state. I have set up a technology "wellness" system. It's comprised of both video cameras and alert systems. So, for instance I tell when she gets up in the morning via a motion detector. I can tell if she leaves the apartment, or goes to the bathroom, or generally moves about in her apartment. I get the date/time for each of these events. I can also connect to the camera via either my phone or PC to see what she's doing or what's going on. I do this many times per day.


She has an elderly neighbor who is really her caregiver at this point. She is 81, but is still in good health. She checks on her many times per day, fixes her hair and is generally a companion. I send her some money for her efforts and she is great.


Due to this situation I feel that at this time it's best not to move her to a nursing facility. Although if not for her neighbor, that is where she would need to be.


My question and what I would like to do is regarding, setting up some boundaries or at least talking to my neighbor about some boundaries. Sometimes she does too much and complains that my Mom needs better care and that she just can't do it. But I really think it's best for my neighbor's mental wellness to have my Mom there. It gives her a sense of responsibility and pride that she is helping my Mom. I would just like to encourage her to do more for herself and maybe require my Mom to do more things independently.


So the situation is mutually beneficial, I just don't want my neighbor to burn out. What is a good way to approach and set up some boundaries for my neighbor to work with? I would like some suggestions on what boundaries might be good and how to implement them.


Thanks, gb

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Your neighbor has complained that she is doing too much and that your Mother needs better care and that she "just can't do it".
She has told you all you need to know.
Your Mom's neighbor is doing too much and has told you so.
Your Mom's neighbor has told you that she needs more care, and has told you so.
Your Mom's neighbor has told you she can't do it, and has told you so.
May I ask what the question is here, really, because you have admitted that without this neighbor this cannot go on as it is, and that you are not close to the area, and are currently dependent on the care of this 81 year old woman. Who has TOLD YOU all the facts you need.
So I guess I would just like to repeat, Your Mom's neighbor is doing too much; she has said your Mom needs more care; she has told you that she cannot go on doing this. I am afraid the ball is now in your court. I am sorry. It will be sad for your Mom to have to leave her home and she will mourn that, as will you. I am afraid there is, however, no other answer I can think of. I wish you the best in finding a facility where she will be happy.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
Thanks for the suggestions.
(0)
Report
You are living in the land of denial. You mother's neighbour, elderly herself, has flat out told you that she can't keep doing this and yet you have somehow convinced yourself that you are doing HER a favour, give me a break! The fact is you are taking advantage of the empathy that causes her to step in when she sees a need and clearly makes it difficult for her to set boundaries, that's not cool. If you don't want to burn through all the friendship and good will offered by this kind woman then get your mother the care you admit she needs.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
Thank you. And what care do I "admit she needs?" A nursing home?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
One thing that you are doing by sending checks to a senior in HUD housing is jeopardizing her housing. That is probably why she is tearing some of them up. She knows what could cause her to lose her benefits.

Maybe, find another way to compensate her. Gift cards, grocery cards, cash. Besides, checks mean a trip to the bank.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
Good point, thanks.
(1)
Report
"Sometimes she does too much and complains that my Mom needs better care and that she just can't do it."

What, it's the caregiver's fault because she should be standing back more?

Nope. Be told. Your mother needs more support than the neighbour can give. Get a proper assessment done, and hire care.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Honestly, the "I would just like to encourage her to do more for herself and maybe require my Mom to do more things independently" ALWAYS comes from the person who isn't right there with boots on the ground seeing and truly understanding what the loved one can and can't do for themselves. The fact is, at this age and after a crisis such as a broken hip, your mother likely will not be able to do more things independently. Every crisis leads to a minor recovery and perhaps a plateau, but it's never one that takes them back to their pre-crisis level of health and independence. That's just how it is.

I think the neighbor is doing you a huge favor by speaking up as she has. No doubt she will indeed miss your mom and it may lead to a bit of a decline on her part as they have been mutually dependent on one another, but you need to do what's best for Mom, and living independently in her own house may no longer be viable. Look into in-home help, or an assisted living situation. Maybe the neighbor would like to come along, and they can continue living near one another.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
Thanks for the response. FYI, even though I'm remote, I was there for 10 days at the end of Dec. Spent the entire time with her, slept on the floor and was there 24/7.

My Mom is fairly functional, she can dress her self, bath, fix food, and even put a 300 piece puzzle together while I was there. I see via the camera that most mornings she gets up, gets dressed, fixes breakfast (she likes oatmeal).

Yes, the neighbor is doing a huge favor indeed. Assisted living is out due to costs. The next place would have to be a nursing home via medicaid. But that seems like the avenue that everyone here would suggest, so maybe that's what I do.

To me it seems like a bad solution. She was in rehab for 6 days after her surgery, which was essentially the same as a nursing home. The first day in rehab she called 911 and said they were keeping her against her will. Then she tried to escape twice. Then she called over 10 people every day asking them to come get her. She begged me every day to get her out. She was suppose to stay 3 wks, but even the rehab center said it would be better for her to go home.

The neighbor goes over and cleans, vacuums, fixes her food, does her hair, and takes her places. All of her own doing, nobody asked her or expected it. Much of that isn't necessary or at least isn't necessary every week. But according to everyone here, having the neighbor do anything is presumptuous and apparently "evil" on my part.

I'll start looking into nursing homes and try to do better. Thanks for all the help.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My suggestion would be to take the pressure off of the neighbor by getting enough professional or compensated help in to do the “ work” so the neighbor can really just be a companion. This way the neighbor still has responsibility without as much work? My guess is she will still do hair, check on her etc but there should be less pressure and they can simply enjoy each other’s company. In the meantime it would probably be a good idea to start your research, get mom on a list or two for the facilities you prefer (it can always be delayed once she moves to the top) so your plan is ready to go when the time comes that your mom can no longer stay at home.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You said " But I really think it's best for my neighbor's mental wellness to have my Mom there." I find that very presumptuous. And this is after she's told you she "just can't do it". I understand we all want to think we can find the perfect situation, and that our loved one's decline won't continue, you won't have to maker harder and harder decisions. But it sounds like it's time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 2022
Some of these statements kind of make one wonder if the OP might not be pullling our collective legs, doesn't it? Hee hee.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Why are the only 2 options a) the neighbor provides any help needed or b) mother goes into a nursing home on Medicaid?

Why can't you hire her some in-home support?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
We do have someone coming two days every week. It's a good option to get more people to help. We have had a hard time finding people, but we can work on that more. It's also a difficult cost situation, we need to find some creative ways to pay for things. Of which, I've just found out there are some potential grant opportunities. So maybe that can help.
(0)
Report
When my MIL and her husband both started having health and cognitive issues, I too was blessed by willing neighbors who checked in on them, shopped for them, etc. I also am PoA for 2 very elderly aunts in FL (and I live in MN). Again, blessed by a neighbor couple who were my eyes and ears until things changed.

Eventually your mom will need more care than can be given by an untrained person who is 81 years old. You have stated that right now your mom cannot afford AL. Have you checked into something called an Elder Waiver?

"The Elderly Waiver (EW) program is a federal Medicaid waiver program that funds home and community-based services for people 65 years old and older who are eligible for Medical Assistance (MA), require the level of care provided in a nursing home, and choose to live in the community."

source: https://www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_DYNAMIC_CONVERSION&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&dDocName=id_056766#:~:text=The%20Elderly%20Waiver%20(EW)%20program,to%20live%20in%20the%20community.

Also, contact her local area's Agency on Aging for other resources. Medicaid is run by each state and I have heard that some state's MA program will pay for AL.

I have read your prior response that you are concerned that facility care is suboptimal. My MIL is in one 3 miles from my home. She's on Medicaid in LTC in a private room. She gets awesome care and lots of social exposure and options for activities, events and outings -- something your mom won't get cloistered in her home with only her 1 friend feeling the pressure to be her entertainment committee. Not to mention the friend is only 1 sudden health crisis away from putting your mom and you into crisis mode. That's what can happen at 81, no matter how healthy she seems right now. Loneliness is crushing to the elderly.

If I were in your situation I'd start having the conversation with your mom that, base on lots of research you've been doing, it would be best to *eventually* move her to a care community near you. Are you her PoA? Hopefully so. Research and visit facilities local to you. Talk to an elder law attorney and Medicaid Planner for your state. For Medicaid She needs to medically and financially qualify, and some states have a 5-year financial look-back period on the app. There are many ways one can easily screw this up.

I would call up the friend and let her know that it's ok if she's feeling like your mom's care is overwhelming her, that you are looking into options and how can you help her in the interim? I totally understand that you wish to help your mom stay in her home but eventually she won't be able to so better to work on the solution for this now rather than in a crisis. I wish you much wisdom as you ponder her future care, and bless you for doing what you're doing for the both of them right now.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
gb4au1 Feb 2022
Thank you very much for the great reply and support. Very helpful information about some of the programs that might offer some help.

I'll get it sorted out, I've already spoken to a lot of different places and am working on a plan to move her when the time comes.
(5)
Report
You seem to feel entitled to have this neighbor help your mother by cleaning, vacuuming, doing her hair, fixing her food and the rest of it, then wanting to enforce 'boundaries' on her in the process! Never mind the woman is 81 years old herself & telling you your mother needs more help than she's willing or able to give her! Then you come back with a sarcastic remark saying, "But according to everyone here, having the neighbor do anything is presumptuous and apparently "evil" on my part. I'll start looking into nursing homes and try to do better. Thanks for all the help."

Really? You already have 'all the answers' so what kind of help are you looking for from US?

Your mother is fully functional yet has no short term memory, THE most dangerous kind of memory loss to have, even though you are watching her via video cameras and alert systems. Being sent off to rehab in a SNF, she is furiously calling 911 and others to get her out of there and tried to escape twice. Yet she can do a 300 piece puzzle, so all's well! Denial is not just a river in Egypt, you know.

You can be as sarcastic as you'd like, but the truth of the matter is, your mother is suffering from at LEAST moderate dementia and should not be living alone. That does not mean you should "put" her in a horrible nursing home where she'll "get care from people she doesn't know, doesn't have a personal connection/friendship with, and the neighbor is left in her apartment being bored and feeling lonely. Ok, noted. " You can hire in home help from someone who's not 81 years old and doesn't need 'boundaries', but who can provide the sort of care you'd like her to get. Or, you can find her a suitable SNF that may not be perfect, but would keep her safe and cared for.

Dementia is a losing situation for EVERYONE, you, your mother, the neighbor, all involved. It worsens with time and causes all sorts of potential dangerous situations your mother can DIE from while alone in the house. That's the truth. Take it or leave it. "Put" your mother in a nursing home or leave her alone in her home with you watching her over a device & her 81 y/o neighbor helping her out while she still can. There's no great answer or easy solution here, in all honesty.

But change your attitude b/c you came to a forum to ask for help but then choose not to listen. To people who have either traveled this horrible road before or who are traveling it now. It sucks, no matter what you do or how you do it. We lose our mothers to a very ugly disease that wipes out who they once were entirely, leaving a husk of a person in their place. So we all know what it feels like and how much money, time, head space & worry it truly causes. Don't shoot the messengers you came to for help.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you, and that keeps your mother SAFE, above all, b/c that should be your only real goal here. Not to find & implement boundaries with a neighbor who's going above & beyond the call of duty to care for your mother out of the goodness of her heart!

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which is a download and very informative. It's called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It may offer you some enlightenment on what your mother is going through, and what lies ahead. Knowledge is power.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Best of luck, whatever you choose to do.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter