After the loss of your spouse. Any suggestions to help with this loss?

I would try to stay away from the house or keep busy doing hobbies or get more connected with a grief group or a community project to help with this awful feeling.

I have had many losses in my life and it is not easy but here is what I did and it helped me. First of all, be glad you were blessed by someone and be grateful. Not all of us are that lucky. When you feel like it, cry and cry some more. Over time the memories will slowly fade and you will start thinking of the good times. I have photographs on my wall and I see my loved ones and talk to them and it is now nearly 60 years later - I will be 88 - but I have some peace which I did not have until I did this.

This loss is so new and raw. Let yourself go through grief on your own timeline. When you feel up to it, try to get out of the house now and then. I think aimlessly walking around the house, not knowing what to do with yourself is exhausting.

Books on grief can be helpful. When you can read for pleasure, try reading again. Take care of yourself. Eat better, nap, exercise a little, take time to focus on you, even if it is just a little something here and there. Your grief will change slowly and you will know this as time passes. Some recommend writing in a journal. You can look back and see how far you have come.

I wish there was something I could say to console you. I lost my husband of 31 years in May 2020 and I still miss him tremendously. He too had a difficult time in his last months and so every time I wish he was still here I realize that it is unfair of me as he had already given me as much as he could. A dear friend who was already a widow told me that eventually, I wouldn't hurt quite so badly and it would no longer be 100% of the time. She was right and even though there are times when I cry for his loss, I know he wouldn't have wanted me to be unhappy for the rest of my life. He would want me to make a new life for myself and I am trying to. I know also that he was the love of my life and that no one will ever replace him in my heart. I often think of the Beatles song, In My Life. It has such lovely lyrics and I know, in my life I loved my husband more. Keep your chin up, Dear Friend, it will get easier.

sorry for your recent loss. I am sure you will just need time. do you have a picture of your spouse, set it out, talk to them (this is what my mother did with her husband of 74 years that passed away in 2020). she would tell him every day what was going on. I am sure it made her feel a little bit like he was still there. let yourself grieve and in time you can fill that emptiness with volunteer work. i know people that jump right into something because they don't want to deal with the pain of the loss, but i think our bodies/soul need time to grieve then move forward (in your own time) to volunteer at a shelter, animal shelter, library, check your local chamber of commerce they might know of some places that can use help. i wish you luck.

I’m so very sorry 😢 I to am facing the loss of my husband . We’ve been together 33 yrs married only 8 of those .
I just brought him back home from the VA they give him hours or a day or two
there’s absolutely no easy fix to this situation as we have cared and loved them for so long we must consider their quality of life and their comfort . We can’t be selfish and keep holding onto
them. I wanted a feeding tube and IV fluids the Drs refused . He can’t go on life support or be shocked nor can they fur chest compressions due to a 9.8 aorta aneurism he has covid which has complicated all his other health issues.
i lost my first husband to brain cancer , now Rick has dementia and Parkinson’s and many other problems.
All we can do is remember who they once were. What they loved to do or watch on TV . Remember the loving days spent together , But know they are now happy , healthy Young again . No longer will they ever be sick or in pain they won’t have to face a world that’s declining where there’s such bitterness and hatred . Yes we are left behind this is the hardest thing I’ve gone through , I know he’s hungry and thirsty but he can no longer swallow and I’m told it’s selfish and almost cruel to keep him clinging to life. They want him to just get morphine to help him pass in somewhat comfort .
it’s heart breaking laying next to
him rubbing his head holding his hand until he takes his last breath.
But I know when Jesus calls him home he will be welcomed into Gods kingdom so I will thank God for the time he kept us together . I’ll thank God he’s no longer suffering . How glorious to know how forgiving and loving Jesus is
So continue to pray , give praise to Jesus for dying on the cross so we might be saved . I will miss my husband so much but he will always be a part of me ,
I pray you find peace and I hope you have family and friends to support you. There are many out here who have lost spouses and each of us goes through it in. Different way . God keep you in his loving arms and sends his angels to be around you through these coming months . God bless 🙏🙏🙏💕😢

First of all, I am so, so terribly sorry about the loss of your dear husband. My husband and I have been married nearly as long, and I can truly empathize with the jarring change in your life the loss of your life partner and apparent soulmate must be. Do you have a good support system of both family and friends? I say both because it is important not to just surround oneself with just one or the other. If you are involved with a church, this is the time to let them know you will appreciate their prayers, but also company when appropriate. Are you involved in any hobbies, or outside the home activities? If not, again...when the time is right....volunteering can be both incredibly heartwarming and provide time away from your home and thoughts of your recent loss. Give yourself the time you need to grieve, and in your way. No two people grieve in the same manner, nor in the same time. You just lost your husband....you have every right to do what feels right to you at this moment in time, so I urge you to let yourself do whatever gives you respite, and perhaps some pleasure. I'm sure your dear husband would want you to find joy and fulfillment in the life you still have before you. Sending hugs, and prayers for comfort to you. 🤗🙏

I loss my husband 12/26/20 after 38 years of marriage. He had just turned 60 before his passing.. The days are getting better but not great. I'm finding out this journey is difficult. Someone referred a book to read it is call Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse. The authors are Robert C De Vries & Susan J zonnebelt-Smeenge. I am also finishing up the book The Empty Chair. Both of these books helped me a lot. I have one more to read Traveling through Grief Learning to Live Life Again After the Death of a Loved One. All these book are written by the same author. I wish you well through this next stage of your life. Many prayers for you.

I unfortunately have no answer myself wish I did I could use some myself I have been with him for over 36 years he passed Easter Sunday 2021 I cared for him the last 10 years as he slowly got sicker we lost all . Could not get help and now he is gone and not only I am alone and lost but have nothing. There should be something or someone here for us..So sorry for it lost . Marcia Mullis

Facebook has Surviving and Thriving Alzheimers/Dementia Christian Widows/ Widowers support group.

take the time you need to grieve, whether it be sitting on your porch watching birds or sitting in your house crying, laughing at times or resting. after a certain time, you should join the real world again. being with other people who have lost a spouse, or being with a group who likes to go to shows, or have dinner is a relief too. please dont sit and grieve a long time, you will never forget but you must go on. your spouse would have wanted you to move on. God bless you

There is a lot of great advice here. Grief support groups; getting involved with a Church; volunteering; reconnecting with children and maybe moving closer to them; getting a cat or dog. May God be with you always.

First of all my condolences to you. This is such a hard road.
This is a very interesting thread. I too lost my husband recently. We were married 55 years. He passed on April 1. He had a long illness and was in Hospice for over a year. He was in care as I could no longer physically care for him though I was still his primary decision maker/care overseer/organizer. I visited daily as COVID allowed. This whole past year has been a nightmare. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this journey. But -- I am tired of having to learn how to fix things -- sprinklers, broken dryer, etc. I miss my husband terribly especially when something funny happens and I want to share. Sometimes the feeling of not contributing is overwhelming .. though not sure I am ready. There has to be meaning beyond this. HUGS

There is a lot of great advice in this thread. Thank you all for sharing and thank you for starting the thread.

My deepest condolences to you.
While others may offer more personal experience, I would say to delve into the feelings - really feel what is going on inside. Finding distractions may help (friends, re-focus your attention elsewhere), however the emptiness you feel can grow beautiful flowers in your soul - beauty that represents your husband's essence and loving memories.

Grieving is grief and it hurts.
Time heals.
Be patient with yourself.

Perhaps start writing in a journal - 'non-stop' writing. This is a tool / technique where you do not edit yourself at all. You keep the pen / pencil moving and it doesn't matter what comes out.

And, try writing (if writing is a way for you to express yourself) all the wonderful memories and fun times you had together.

Talk to him. Always talk to him.

Gena / Touch Matters

I am so sorry for the love of your life passing. I pray God's Spirit will be your comfort. I know there are Grief share groups at churches, maybe doing that?

Ask for help and know people like me pray💕 for strangers.
1Peter 5:7

You have some very good responses here. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time.

My wife of 58 years died on June 20th, Orthodox Christian Pentecost. She had been experiencing Alzheimer's for some 12 years, still at home and still friendly and communicative.

Each day is now different with many ups and downs in the midst of a lifetime of memories of our marriage and five children and 14 grandchildren, all of whom are still with us.

None of us like to think about death until it happens to someone close to us. Then we are confronted with it.

There is a little book in the "School of Life" series called "On Confidence" that might be helpful. It's not a Christian book, but has a lot of good advice--not about mourning, but about tackling whatever life throws at us. The point is made that "Really... we're just failing to imagine that others are every bit as fragile as we are. Without knowing what it is that troubles or wracks outwardly impressive people, we can be sure that it will be something" (p. 24). "The unconscious mind may, as is its wont, be reading the present through the lenses of decades ago, but what we fear has, in truth, already happened; we are projecting into the future a catastrophe that belongs to a past we have not had the chance to fathom and mourn adequately" (p. 84). "We can, despite our fears, survive the loss of hope" (p. 86).

As several people have pointed out, a bereavement group can be helpful. That has been my experience, too. Somehow it is comforting to know that others are having similar experiences to you. You can help them; and they can help you to face the reality of facing life on your own, but still with the Lord. Even for those who not share a faith in God, there is a strong sense of mutual support which brings encouragement and support.

All the best

I lost my husband July 9 after 38 years of marriage. I find that making plans to be with a friend as many days a week as I can manage helps to alleviate the loneliness.

Accept it--we are all going to die. Never forget that.
For every person born means one more to feed graveyards and it can happen any age. That's what helped me through my mom's death and I never was separated from my mom all my life until she died age 90.

Accept the things you cannot change and death is one of those.

Give yourself time to grieve I don't know how your life is or how old you are, but you may have to look for a job because the bills will keep on coming in. AND you have to deal with tons of paperwork like funeral/cremation arrangements, insurance papers, and so on. Possibly even probate (anything not in your name).

October 19 will be 2 years mom died. It still feels strange without her..but I also learned to carry on because what other alternative is there? Crack up? Even that won't bring her back. Give yourself time to cry but you will have to forge your own life and in time you will.

Grief support group. Your church, synagogue or place of worship can help. Please take care of yourself. I lost my mom, two good friends over the past eight years and now my das has cancer, I understand the grief. It’s different for each person but I encourage you to journal and discern what is right for you. If you’re feeling lonely and depressed ask close friends or relatives if you can stay with them for a while. You need support. Adopt a shelter pet if you love animals. Two stray cats helped me to grieve and move forward. Though it’s hard exercise, even if it’s just a short morning walk. Get a massage. Aromatherapy works. Sometimes you need to be alone. Only you can discern what you need and want but I encourage you to ask for support, even if it’s just calling a friend and asking them to share a meal. Take time to sort through your beloved’s things. Don’t let others rush you or push you towards closure. If people do push you or tell you to get over it seek more empathetic souls, you don’t need negativity.
God bless you and take care

Dear Unite,

I will pray that God will comfort you, and I mean that. When I say I will pray for someone, I do. As someone else said, loss is part of life. The only way to never suffer loss is to never have anything you hold dear.

I urge you to talk to your pastor, and to reach out to Christian friends. Also, try to get involved in something outside your self, like being active in a church or volunteering. Nothing will take away your grief, but in the long term it might become less intense.

And do not allow grief to ruin your life. God still has a purpose for you, and paralyzing grief will prevent you from living a good life. Remember, you will see him again some day when there will be no more pain nor loss.

im 69, husband died two years ago. I never had children. Still going to grief group. Very helpful. Im busy. Working and doing all the things they tell you to do. But at dinner I’m alone with a tray snd David Muir on tv.

I am so very sorry for your loss.
After my mother passed in 2016, I would go into our dining room, which we had fixed up as her bedroom, and sit on the couch in the sun. My mother had a similar room off her DR in her house that she called her 'morning room,' and so for a little while, I called it my 'mourning room.' I'd sit with a cup of tea, as we used to do, and a little uplifting book and just observe the silence. Every evening I'd go past the door, look at her photo and say something out loud like, 'Love ya, Mama,' or 'See you in the morning!' I know it sounds daft, but any way you need to get through your grief is OK. As the days went on, I was able to write in my journal, plan my day, make little sketches. At the six or nine month mark (I forget), I thought maybe I should see someone because I still felt lethargic and sad, but my best friend said her mum had been gone for 12 years and you never really ever get over it, you just go on. That was the best advice. I stopped thinking there was some kind of timetable and started being kinder to myself.
My almost 50-year-old son died six months ago today. He was ill. It seems like a lifetime ago and I miss him like crazy. I went away for a few weeks after he passed, and that was good, but I had to come back to his room and his clothes and his belongings which I am still dealing with. I hear a song he'd listen to, or some memory will surface, and I take a moment to enjoy it as he would. This is life. This is loss. This loss is different, as each one is.
When my father died in 1986, I was still working and I barely had time to mourn. Giving someone the advice to keep busy, etc., is probably good, but it doesn't matter how you handle the death of your loved ones, two things are absolute: One, you must make the place in your heart to hold them stronger, and that just takes time. And two, you are hurting because you loved and were loved in return. Say 'thank you' and accept Life's gift.

Please find a grief group to help with your transition. I like GriefShare since all the members are going through or have gone through loss of a loved one.

I lost my husband of 42 years to a brain tumor 3 year ago. I also had to close our 40 year old family business at the same time and deal with all the financial repercussions of that. It was a time of tremendous loss and stress all at once. I went through the GriefShare program at my church which was very helpful and I also went to a private counselor for the first time in my life which also helped. I started walking daily, rain or shine, which was very good for helping me cope. Something about the exercise and time for quiet reflection and prayer was very good for me as my life was extremely stressful for that first year or 2 after. Things have smoothed out now and time has helped the terrible ache lessen. I also have a friend who’s a bit older than me whom I’d consider a mentor. She helped me a lot just letting me talk. My sons have helped me navigate a lot of stuff too, although they’ve grieved along with me. So I have hope now, things are better. Hang in there and reach out for help. Don’t try and go it alone.

You will feel shock and sadness and disbelief and sometimes guilt or regrets. You will have trouble concentrating and making decisions and you may have NO patience and tolerance for the least little "glitch" in your day. You will sometimes feel overwhelmed by the utter quiet of an empty house. You may think you are ready to sign yourself into "The Home."

Everything you feel is entirely normal. Be kind to yourself--you have just been through a significant trauma. Spend time with everything you feel. Do not try to avoid the sad or frightening emotions. Acknowledge them and experience them. Forgive people who say useless things at this time. They mean well.

When you are ready, talk about what you have been through, perhaps with a Grief Support group where people listen to each other. (Not just a "workshop" dispensing platitudes.). Bring up your husband's name with others who might share memories of him so they know it is OK to talk about him. Other people may be afraid to mention him b/c they "don't want to remind you" that he died. We know you are never going to forget for a minute.

Take whatever time and space and path you need to deal with your emotions. Do not let people tell you "should" be glad your husband is no longer in pain or you "should" be over his death by a certain time. There are no "shoulds" in grieving.

You will begin to see small joys in your day and your memories of your husband will work through the sad and depressing ones to happier times. Include him in your thoughts as you go through your day. Remember him with friends and family. The time you had with him will always be part of who you are.

Dear One, Please click on Center for Action and Contemplation. The Daily Meditations of Richard Rohr. Today was significant, it is about Grace, God's goodness, death and resurrection. This may be a comfort to you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was married 32 yrs when my late husband passed into heaven in 2014.

My husband had Lewy body dementia and I was his full time caregiver for many years. After he died I attended a Hospice grief group that was helpful (FYI you need not have used the services of Hospice to participate in their group) and I spoke to my Dr about some issues like anxiety and depression.
It actually took a close friend to point out my struggle because I didn't recognize it for what it was.
For a short time I took an antidepressant and anxiety meds but the thing that helped me the most was volunteering.

I felt like I had lost my purpose in life after caregiving ended. I prayed and asked the Lord why I was still here if my purpose had been fulfilled. The kids were all grown and gone and I struggled to find a way to fit into the weird thing I now called my life. It was at this point I fully understood how long married spouses could easily die withing months of each other. Giving up and fading away could have been easy to do. God had other plans for me though.

I sought out something to be part of, although I knew I was not ready for anything caregiving related. I wound up volunteering at Habitat for Humanity and over the course of time realized that while I was helping someone else, I was also helping me.

Give yourself some grace though. The first year was like walking in a fog and to be honest there is so much of it that seems hazy or I wouldn't remember if I hadn't written it down. The second year was actually harder because the support system fades off when they feel we got through all the "firsts" and should be ok.

It's now been 7 yrs and I have even remarried a couple of years ago (I am as shocked about that as anyone else) but there are times I still struggle with my late husband's absence and grieve the life I thought we should have had.

I am still (yes, still) learning how to navigate my life without him. We have children and grandchildren and there is so much he isn't here to experience with them. SO I guess I'm saying that although time is so cliche it is also so true that it lessens the ache. Instead of stabbing pains they are now a dull thump on my heart and in my head. I'm moving ahead and trusting that my heavenly Father will see me through. I don't think we ever get over or past it. We go right through it and use the experience to help another as they too take the grief journey.

Thinking of you and praying you find some comfort for your heart , mind and body.

Unitetogether: I am so sorry for the loss of your spouse and send condolences.

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your spouse. I just completed a grief support group my mom’s hospice offered for children who’ve lost a parent/siblings loss of a sibling. They also had separate groups for loss of a spouse & others. I’d suggest checking with his care facility to see if they offer a group. Additionally, for several years I co-facilitated the nationwide grief support group www.Griefshare.org through my church. Each cycle brought new faces in need of the supportive environment Griefshare cultivates. I encourage you to check the website for a group near you, I’m certain you will find comfort in it.