Hello everyone,
I'm in a challenging situation and could really use some advice. My grandfather had a stroke 15 years ago, and his physical condition has recently worsened. My grandmother is expected to care for him around the clock, with daily assistance from their daughters. My grandfather is unable to use the bathroom independently and requires help with diaper changes. There are also times when he makes a mess when attempting to use the toilet, resulting in my grandmother spending hours each day cleaning up. Additionally, my grandfather is very needy, demeaning, and verbally abusive to my grandmother.
At 82 years old, my grandmother suffers from severe vertigo, struggles to sleep because my grandfather keeps her awake, has high blood pressure, and a history of heart problems, including a heart attack. Her health is deteriorating, and her doctors are concerned that if she can’t reduce her stress, she may suffer a stroke herself.
Unfortunately, my grandfather is resistant to the idea of moving into a nursing home and they cannot afford long-term in-home care. When we’ve brought it up, he becomes angry and even threatens to “hide all the money” and divorce her, leaving her with nothing.
Is there a way for my grandmother to gain guardianship over my grandfather to facilitate his admission to a nursing home? She has also considered divorce to ensure asset division before he can take any actions to hide money. What type of attorney should we consult to navigate this complex situation?
Thank you for any guidance you can offer.
An 82 year old woman should not be required to do 'anything' of this nature. With severe vertigo? Really... It is elder abuse.
* Someone needs to handle their finances. Someone who has the cognitive / mental abilities to do so.
- If he is able to make his own decisions, legally, including financial, the focus needs to be on your grand-ma / his wife. She needs to take care of herself.
You do not listen to your grandfather's wishes. You / the family does what he needs for his welfare and best care. In this case, that includes the best care for your grandmother.
Contact an attorney who specializes in elder care / trusts.
I would agree - it is time that your grandmother protect her assets, as well as her own mental health.
With his 'mean spirited' attitude, realize he is SCARED. These may be empty threats - or not. I do not know what cognitive abilities granddad still has, nor his abilities to make financial decisions / changes legally.
His behavior could be a life long pattern CONTROLLING situations and CONTROLLING his wife. This STOPS NOW.
RUN TO THE NEAREST ATTORNEY to get her assets protected.
She also needs to be relieved of ALL these care 'duties' immediately.
Hire a caregiver. He won't like it and that is too bad.
He either accepts the help from an/other/s or he doesn't care the help he needs.
Grand Ma needs to go on a strike. And, the family need to support her.
She will not survive doing this 'caregiver' work. It is unconscionable that his wife - grand ma - is put in this position.
Gena / Touch Matters
You are absolutely spot-on in your answer.
There becomes a time where one person gets so adjusted to being the care recipient that they do not wish to see that the care giver needs care herself.
My husband was like that. I told him we were getting weekend aids because I could not pull and turn him by myself any longer. His response, "that sounds like a Jan problem". I told him it was our problem, because without me able to care for him without the heavy lifting, he'd be outta luck. In his mind, I was still the younger spouse in good health.
Next, research all the options for grandfather's care that are available for him. Call their insurance company to ask about if he qualifies for home health care - usually set number of days and hours for specific types of help. If he qualifies, get doctor to write prescription for home health care and get help into the home now. Then, you can look for long term options: skilled nursing facilities and memory care. Don't bother with assisted living since he is not able to meet his own needs. Be aware that there is usually a waiting list for long term facilities. Fill out forms for several places and get him on lists of each place that will accept him. Do not pay any deposits to "hold him a place." Wait until his place becomes available.
Grandma can and absolutely should NOT provide care for Grandpa 24/7. He is not mentally competent and well enough to understand this. It is likely he will require a guardian, perhaps one of his children, to handle his healthcare decisions and finances. Discuss this with the elder attorney. Grandma should not become his guardian as she is not physically well enough and he may even outlive her. If that's the case, Grandpa will then have to be appointed yet another guardian. That will be a lot of time, effort, work, and extra money.
No one can force a move if he is.
Now you need to decide which of his KIDS wishes to act as guardian. This will be too much for grandmother.
It no longer matters what grandfather WANTS.
That is done.
He is unable to care for himself and he will kill himself or grandmother first.
I would call APS and tell them A) of the resistance of him to move B) of the crucial necessity that he BE moved if grandmother agrees with this.
If both grandmother and grandfather are competent and refuse help in this you can do nothing but sit back and await the "phone call". It will come from hospital or coroner. If you are lucky enough it comes from the former then enlist the social workers at once to get grandfather places.
As I said this is all very difficult and more than grandmother can manage. It would include attorneys and it would include division of assets to pay for his care and allow grandmother to keep enough assets for her OWN care.
Time to see an attorney or call in APS TODAY before this kills your grandmother literally.
It's not that complex, Grandma can freeze all accounts, get assets divided. That includes their home, any pensions or cash. At least filing for divorce ensures she gets her half of assets, in case Grandpa gets placed. His half pays for his facility care. Grandma keeps hers for when she needs it. GP won't be hiding any money. If he had lots of money, they would have hired outside help 15 years ago. He's just spouting off to get his way...because he can.
Caregiving an abusive, selfish, incontinent old man is extremely stressful. 15 years is a long time being a caregiver slave. I feel sorry for her.
If Grandma dies from the stress, he's going in a facility anyway. Unless his daughters chose to be 24/7 caregivers, which they should refuse. No imagined "inheritance" is worth it.
Geaton's advice is excellent.