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How to distill suspiciousness & paranoia & stress of 89 yr. old with early Alzheimers/advanced dementia- short and long term memory affected? 83 yr. old wife cognitively and physically more healthy than husband. Her generation did everything in the home & that is her role. If I am in the house, the husband is uncomfortable/stressed & he relays to his best friend/spouse & this sends her own stress over the top. At this point the family & I are more concerned about the Mom/wife's health which if the work & stress is not reduced will/could result in creating an illness for her.
I was to move in and give help here & there - very difficult for 83 yr. old spouse to ask for help or relinquish a full time load attending to husband & home. She finally let me do the dishes after she prepared a chicken pot pie dinner from scratch. Cognitively she is healthier & underneath knows she cannot continue the same pace & give such quality care to her husband. Can't/won't let go - does not know how to do this.
Anyone with couples experience or websites to check for help? So far researching couples tends to lead to a spouse who passes and one is left alone.

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I forgot to add the fact , that 35-40% of people who act as a caregivers die before the person they are caregiving for does. In other countries, like in Italy and Japan, they have a very mature, kind way of watching over their loved ones. We don't talk about death here in America and I believe that is why death is so hard for us to handle.
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Please do NOT move in with them or have them live with you. It is to a point where they need to be placed. At this age and stage of life, they don't seem to be able to function normally and you can't fix it. And you deserve to live YOUR life. If a caretaker would work, fine, but otherwise just get them placed for their safety and your sanity.
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Imho, taking care of her spouse gives her a real sense of purpose. If she asks for help, then you could offer. Prayers sent.
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I just moved out from
trying to do the same. I gave up an overseas job (post-retirement) to come back and live with my parents. My sister insisted they needed my 24/7 help. Not until I moved back did I realize it wasn’t what my parents wanted. My mother never shared her home. I was in HER space. My dad is a control freak and not liking me there to “take over” anything! I ended up getting a part-time job....but gave it up because of Covid. It really became emotionally and mentally exhausting. They finally agreed to letting me cook dinner (my mom
never has liked cooking)...but I don’t dare clean for her unless I am
specifically asked...or I “sneak” clean before she wakes up. I also good shop and drive them to appointments. My father’s mind is sharp but he is frail...my mom is healthy but has mild dementia. Between the two, they fair pretty well.

I moved 10 min away and will go over as needed. It has been so good on my emotional/mental health. They took no time to quickly move things back into the rooms I was using! 🤣🤣🤣

Good luck!!
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I cared for a couple. The secret is to create a balance, there is usually one you can deal with and one you can't who guilt's the other. Are you family or a paid caregiver?
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If you're smart, you'll get some assistance, because you have know idea how much a caregiver sacrifices in this role. It will drain you physically and mentally of any normalcy you once had and if you have a family, it becomes strained and splintered. Good luck.
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Let her do anything that she can still do. As my grandmother said, better to wear out than rust out. It will keep her active and mobile. You will be able to determine what is too much for her and pick up the slack, thus, giving help here and there.

Talk with her. You understand that he is uncomfortable with you there, but you are really there more to help her. Align your comments with 'her' being the one you are trying to help the most. For example, if she hurts herself helping him she may no longer be able to a single thing for him in the home. 'We' have to take care of 'you' sort of thing. We don't want anything to happed to you because then you may both have to go to a nursing home and 'we' want you both to stay at home.

Interact with him as much as you can to see if he can be more accepting of having someone in the home. Do your best to anticipate his needs. He may never like the idea of someone else being there, but all you can do is give it your best try
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I used lines like; my legs are younger than yours or I could use the exercise, everytime something was needed from downstairs or carrying loads of laundry. Also I'd say let me see if I remember how you showed me to do that, to make a meal or clean something. Sometimes I just locked the bathroom door & scrubbed the toilet, sink or tub then announce when it was done.
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Talk to her about how you can give her "more time" with her husband by "helping out". Since husband has problems watching you do things "she normally does", consider how your help can be a little more behind the scenes. "Help" with housecleaning, laundry, and any yard work. "Ask" to help with the meal prep and clean-up. "Offer" to pick up the groceries and run errands. Tidy up their bedroom in the morning while they linger over coffee. Eventually, whatever you start to do regularly will become their new "normal" and the husband will be less anxious.
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I see no real reason for her to "let go" of her way of doing things. At 83 she has the right to make her own decisions. There is loss enough that we have no choice about. To have a child move in, and tell her what she can and can't do any more is not going to go over well. Wait for her to ask what you can help with. Know that "moving in " may not have been a good idea overall. If the caregiving DOES shorten her life, it will have been HER life as she CHOSE to live it. In the last year of my Dad's life my Mom cared for him as he was quite weak from a blood dyscrasia. Given that, she thrives. She never looked so good for years.
Tell your Mom that you are there to help and hope she will allow you to do so. Ask her to make a list of things that would help her.
If you truly see your Mom failing, and take choices from her, it is likely the beginning of a very sad end. Just my humble opinion at 78.
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As we age we are less able to adjust to changes, especially ones that happen quickly. Add in cognitive decline and the inability to change/adjust pretty much disappears. Also, taking care of her spouse gives this woman a purpose in life. She will choose what she wants to give up. My 101 yr-old aunt still cooks from scratch. Does it poop her out? Yup, but she won't give it up. Remember that you are a stranger in their house. This in itself makes them uncomfortable. How would you like it? My aunt was very hesitant to accept an agency companion/aid 4 hrs a day for 4 days a week. This person did light housework and errands. My aunt finally got used to her but is adamant that no one is to stay all day or overnight.

Try asking her what she'd like to give up. "I hate cleaning the showers. What do you hate cleaning the most?" and you may get some insight. Or do things while they're napping. Start by being her assistant, not her replacement. I wish you success in helping them!
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