My father is 68 and I am 25. He developed dementia since nearly a year ago. He has abused alcohol most of his life and is still dependent on it to this day. Since his illness took effect, he as confabulated stories several times about my mother, strangers and myself included. He also has a history of domestic violence and aggression. My mother left him a few months ago because of verbal and physical abuse. I am now his primary caregiver, as there are no other family members able to care for him. However, lately, he has become violent towards me, wanting to start fights in his belligerent states. This behavior was not present up until a few days ago. I manage to deescalate these outbursts, but it is still very distressing. I have thought about calling the cops at times. He has been on anti-depressants, sleep medication and as well as medication for his alcohol dependency (though this has not been very effective). I wish to get my father the help he needs. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
I can’t say that I blame your mom for not wishing to be his caregiver.
I don’t think that it was right to leave you with his care.
You are in a dangerous situation. You need to protect yourself. By all means call 911 if he is violent towards you.
Have you told his doctor about these outbursts? Clearly his meds need to be monitored closely and modified if needed.
Are you working or in school? What would you like to be doing at this time? Tell us a bit more about your life and family.
Your father needs more help than you can provide. Have you looked into placement in a facility for him?
RIGHT NOW, online.
You CANNOT get your father “the help he needs”. YOU need to be there for YOURSELF for the care YOU NEED.
”CALLING THE POLICE” is your job. “De-escalating” HIS actions IS NOT YOUR JOB.
Your “wish” is understandable as his child, but UNREALISTIC.
SAVE YOURSELF. For him, ALCOHOL, NOT YOU, HIS CHILD, WILL WIN.
I was in way over my head. It became unbearable for me to deal with.
Unfortunately, for him, it never improved. He died as a result of his lifestyle, drug addiction. (HepC)
It broke my heart to see him spiraling downward but I finally found the courage to save myself.
As much as I would have liked to save him from his demons, I just couldn’t. No one has that kind of power.
Your father needs to be placed in a rehab facility, to start with, then placed in the appropriate facility, where he will receive the care he needs. And if he refuses rehab,(which most addicts do at first), then he more than likely end up in jail, if the abuse continues. Please take care of yourself. God bless you.
I’m guessing you’ve been the family scapegoat for a long time.... the one who gets dumped on and left to fend for herself. I’m sorry you got thrown into this mess.
”There’s no one else to care for him” is not true. There are multiple facilities that are there to care for him. This is too much for you to do alone, or at all. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You sound like a good person and you have much to offer the world!
You get only one shot at this life and you need to build your life while you’re still young enough to do it. PLEASE take the advice others have given you here!!
Your Mother will need to be involved, probably, to make decisions on his behalf. Take this time to see if this is what you want to do, take care of a person with Dementia and may go right back to drinking when he is home. The responsibility really is your mothers. She needs to make decisions on how she is going to deal with this. I can see where she is coming from, she has put up with his drinking, now Dementia, which was caused by his drinking. She may want to divorce him and sell the house. Your only 25. Dad is not going to get better. He will and may now need more care than you can give him. You can't deal with this alone.
Ask to speak to a hospital social worker and tell them that you cannot and refuse to be his caregiver because you are afraid for your safety. Do you live with him in his house? If yes, then you will have to vacate the home. Even if your father is an alcoholic, they cannot force treatment on him for the alcoholism or the mental illness. He has to want to help himself and if he doesn't want to, then there's nothing anyone can do. You are the one who will have to go. Then the state will get involved they will determine whether or not he's considered a non-functioning adult and can't be left on his own. Let the state take over. There's nothing you can do for him and you're only putting yourself at risk being there.
Please do yourself a favor. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for people who have alcoholics in their lives. You will meet other people there who are going through situations like yours. You will learn all about alcoholic behavior and how they manipulate and control others. You are your father's enabler. You are not intentionally making his alcoholism and abusive behavior possible. By helping him, taking care of him, and tolerating his abuse you enable him to remain active in his addiction. The abusive behavior towards you will continue and it will get worse if you don't get out of the situation.
If you want to help your father, you can by only being willing to help him in ways that aid in his recovery if he wants it. Nothing else. Good luck.
If he had cancer, would people expect you to treat it yourself? No! Because you aren’t qualified to do that. It’s the same with mental illness.
I am seeing his psychiatrist tomorrow, and hopefully he will reevaluate his medications, and I will also ask for his advice for further treatment/help. I will definitely look into programs such as al-anon or something similar/a rehab center - as was pointed out.
Reading your posts has definitely further reinforced the idea that I need outside help and that I should not feel guilty for calling the cops - if I feel in danger. Again much appreciated for all your kind words and advice.