I’m a 65 year young lady who is living with a 76 year old man who is showing signs of early dementia - particularly in the last year or two. It’s progressing at a rate that I didn’t expect, and he is only slightly aware but denies most of it. Usually with anger. We both have adult children ( we’ve become companions vs. “ lovers” in the last 5 years ( my choice). I’m really struggling with MANY frustrations on several levels, mostly because he has little to no idea how compromised he is by his decline in cognition. In turn, he becomes angry & loses his patience more rapidly as time moves on. No one else sees his decline like I do, and it falls on me to handle the consequences. We’re not married so I don’t have authority over finances, yet I have seen disturbing mistakes in his banking & now he keeps asking me for more & more money. His health is not good; been on the transplant list for a new liver for about 9 months - but isn’t really sick enough to get one ( yet). Mainly his memory is failing -and I catch him in lots of “ confabulations “! Love that word!! lol!!! Some are harmless, but now that money is involved, and questionable decision making is becoming more often & clear to me, I feel isolated in dealing with all of these issues. He has the VA, thank God! So at least his healthcare is there. I have Fibromyalgia & am becoming very exhausted- I think emotionally mainly. I can’t get him to use soap or wash his hands at all!! And it’s ticking me off as well as highly insanitary. ( and a bit insane, too)( he uses shampoo for his body in the shower) It causes me to clean & disinfect constantly ( my immune system is compromised & I feel ill a lot more often & wonder how many viruses & bacteria are being spread by this complete lack of basic hygiene. He just gets angry when I remind him or lies & says he does, indeed wash his hands. These lies are happening more & more often, the latest one was to get me to pay $4000.00 for damage to his truck that his “ friends” did. Now he refuses to ask them to pay it back & has kept the change ( $600 - then is now asking me for more $ - whereas that was not our agreement. I don’t mind making new financial arrangements, yet he has no interest in making a budget or finding out where a total -($1500.00 )went as his one banking statement showed that was gone. Again, gets angry or makes futile promises to look into it - but never follows through. These are just a few examples of problems arising from his changes in both cognition, a LOT of memory loss or recalling things way differently than reality and emotional outbursts that are becoming increasingly hard for me to handle in any constructive way. So, in a nutshell, I need help in the way I deal with him. I often feel angry myself! I find that I avoid him more often, which I know comes across as hurtful to him, thus increasing his anxiety. Our relationship has dwindled to basic housemate issues & those are feeling a bit rocky, too. I often want to move out, yet my health is rather poor with my Fibromyalgia exhaustion, and I hate to leave him alone. He does have friends, works part time ( still!) as an owner of a 3/4 house so he has about 7 men who reside there & he collects rent & looks out for them. Not sure how long he can do that for but it keeps him busy & believe it or not STILL rides his Harley but that frightens me more all the time as it’s so heavy - he can’t pick it up if it fell down. At 76 he has good family suppport (adult kids with families of their own). But they don’t know the extent of his dementia, so it falls on my shoulders right now. Whew! That’s a lot - I’ve never written this all out & as a brand new member here, I’m not sure what the consequences will be because of this “ letter”. Just looking for support & any help this forum can give! Thank you, Shelly
And the fact that he's still riding his Harley is beyond terrifying to me as someone driving any kind of vehicle with a broken brain is no different than driving drunk or high on drugs. Someone needs to report him to either his dr. or the DMV as he should not be on the road except as a passenger.
And I will tell you the same thing I told you in your other post, you need to move out as you have NO obligation to this man.
Also as just a FYI....with the symptoms you are describing with this man, he is well beyond the "early stages" of dementia, but is well into this horrible disease. Being in denial about that only hurts all involved.
I wish you well in figuring out your next steps, and fining a new place to live.
One instance comes to mind where a guy used the stall, left the bathroom, and rejoined his wife at the shopping cart in the grocery store. Mind you, the bathroom is behind the produce and prepared hot and cold foods area.
There may be days or weeks where he seems 'back to normal.' But in my experience, it was a mistake to think that that period of time would last.
And then the next level of decline was even worse than before.
In a span of two years I have seen my dad decline here and there. However in the last month alone he has declined weekly, with no turning back.
Please keep this in mind. It is not like a wound that will heal, allowing the person to continue as before. Not even remotely.
I hope you find what works best for you.
Have a meeting with his children - Zoom, in person, phone, whatever. Tell them exactly what's going on. Inform them that you have to move on because of your health. Then move out.
I'm the wife of a man with dementia. It is tough going sometimes, but I'm up for it because he is my beloved husband, and he would be there for me if I were the sick one and he were well. There are financial benefits for me. There is love between us and always will be. This is a lifetime commitment for both of us.
But. You are not the wife. You will get no benefits, no thank yous, just a lot of grief and a decline in health if you stay on to help this very sick elderly man who needs a nurse with a purse. You aren't it.
As for the VA, if he's a Vietnam vet, he may be due further benefits if exposed to Agent Orange. The VA won't just award them. He has to file for them. The liver transplant: a friend had one that was necessary because he spent 40 years as an active alcoholic before he joined AA. After the transplant in his 70s, he was never the same. He was weak, debilitated, always sick. He said he wished he'd never had it. His wife, who had cancer, had to be his nurse. He kept falling, she couldn't pick him up, and eventually he went to live in a VA hospital anyway. His added years were miserable.
Tell your roommate's kids to contact the VA to see if they can have him assessed as 100% disabled from dementia caused by Agent Orange. And tell them he should be living in a VA facility now.
Godspeed as you flee; the weather is really nice in Hawaii year 'round.
I feel bad for you. Perhaps it’s time to talk to his children. You should not have to carry this all by yourself. You’re not married to him. It’s going to be difficult for us caregivers. We will need to be patient and strong. Take care of yourself!