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I am getting mentally ready for my 4 weeks of indentured servitude at my parents’ house beginning Tuesday.


My father now needs help going to the toilet. We have aides for the mornings and late afternoons. If he needs to go to the toilet when they are not there, I’m going to have to get him on and off the toilet and clean him afterwards. Does anyone have any tips on how they handle this task. I have never done this before.


Between not knowing how best to do it and never having seen my father naked below the waist, this is weighing heavily on me. I’m grateful for any tips and suggestions.

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Why are you doing this?
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LoopyLoo Jan 2023
Yes, why?! Surely your father isn’t comfortable with this either?
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Sounds like sheer torture and a nightmare. I would just wash my hands of mom, dad and siblings at this point.

How old is dad and mom? I thought I read where they were in their nineties. Please don't injure your back trying to get dad off and in the toilet.

If it wasn't for your other siblings humoring your parents at this point with pretending they can still live independently they would be in a facility.

Shame on mom and dad for putting you in this predicament.

You could always refuse to wipe dad's privates and assisting him off and on the toilet.
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Hothouseflower Jan 2023
I agree totally and I do not want to do it. I am beyond livid at this situation. My sister actually drove to pick up the aide who was off duty to do it. But I also think it is not humane to have a loved one sit in excrement.
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All of us who have provided in home care have had to go through that first time and I can guarantee none of us ever expected to be in that place. Observing how the aides handle things would be a good place to start. You can drape a small towel over his lap to provide some degree of modesty. If you flush while he's still sitting on the toilet it can cut back on odour and reduce the ick factor for you. Gloves and baby wipes (don't flush!!!) are a god send.
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Me, as a woman, would not be toileting my Dad. It was bad enough I had to do it for my Mom.
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Sounds like you didn’t volunteer, so what compelled you to take on this unwanted assignment?
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Hothouseflower Jan 2023
I didn't volunteer. I was just doing what I was doing and handling what I had to do until things spiraled out of control in October because he was hospitalized and his health took a nosedive. It simply is where are things are now. I didn't see this one coming, I can tell you that. It just keeps getting worse and worse, if that's possible.

My sisters and I are going to speak to our mother when I'm back because we can no longer provide the care our father needs and our mother needs to make some decisions regarding my father's and her future care. We are going to be a united front, we are refusing to accept the status quo. I plan to tell my mother if she does not decide to go into AL or a NH with my father, I will be calling APS. Her daughters can no longer care for them and they are not safe living alone anymore. It's like leaving two toddlers alone in the house.
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Well i have no choice but toilet and wipe, shower my dad because he can’t no longer. The aids they send to our home comes when he doesn’t need to go plus he is confused as to why there are strangers (cause they send different people) in his house wiping him. Before this i am grossed out by these things and hence why i would never get a dog (and i don’t have any children so no diapers). But now i am doing this. There’s no other choice. It’s not that bad. Just as long as i can have him home with us.
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Pretend like you're a nurse.
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JoAnn29 Jan 2023
My daughter is a nurse working in NHs foe 20 yrs. She has already told me she is not wiping my butt. 😊
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I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this impossibly difficult place and am glad to see that there is a plan coming to change the situation. It’s great that you and your siblings are working in unison on this. I wish you peace in the weeks ahead
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Hhf, If your father is at home, incontinent with no help, YES I would go and give emergency care.

I would then call 911 and have him transported to the ER.

I would call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult.

I would call the local AAA and get a needs assessment.

I would then leave.

Toileting my incompetent parent would be a one off, not a month-long "sentence".

If my parent "chose" to rely upon my indentured service, I would step away and let the chips fall where they might. Sometimes you need to do that for foolish folks to get the help they need.
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If you have a weak stomach, I'll give you a tip my DD the RN used when she was working in the hospital & had to clean up blow outs & things like bodily fluid messes. She'd put on a paper mask; over it, she'd get another paper mask and smear it with a thick layer of toothpaste and place it over the first mask, fastening it securely over her nose and mouth. Voila: no odors penetrate the Mask Method.

Just get lots of wet wipes ready and do your best. Nobody wants to do these things or likes doing them, but we sometimes find ourselves in such a position where we have no other choice. We do things out of love for our parents sometimes that we'd never imagine ourselves doing, but we come out of it alright in the end. I'm with you in thinking it is not humane to have a loved one sit in excrement.

Sending you a hug and a prayer that things will go smoothly for you during this 4 week period. Best of luck.
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Hothouseflower Jan 2023
Thank you.
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Good for you and sisters. Actually, Dad could have gone from hospital to rehab to LTC. Or hospital to LTC. If parents don't go to AL together, see an elder lawyer about splitting their assets.
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I would NOT do it! Are your sisters demanding that you do it? Gross. They need more aids NOW. Call whoever has the info on the aides and get them to give you the contact info or contact the aides or the agency and line up more help. I don't care if any of your siblings do this - you do not HAVE to do this.

I know you're going to have the talk with them when you get there but you need to do it ASAP.

I would be so upset thinking about what is waiting for me if I were you. This is just NOT OK. Some people don't mind, but I do mind! When my mom had some accidents in the house when she was sick - I literally cried. My amazing hubby took pity on my and "helped" clean up the mess she'd left behind. Not on her person, but clothes, floor, etc. I shudder just thinking of it!

I hope you can get this straightened out quickly. And of course your parents are NOT going to like the new world you all are going to be laying out to them but they have no choice. You and your siblings need to let them know that this is the end. They need much more help than you can give. End of story. Major changes need to occur. It's not what anyone really wants, but it is no fair for you to be expected to do what you do not want to do.
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Hothouse,

I am sorry that you have been asked to be in this position. It’s not easy to be a hands on caregiver.

Some posters have spoken about how bidets can be helpful. I don’t know of any certain brands to recommend. Maybe others would know. They are sold on Amazon.
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I highly recommend doing a search for homemade poopouri. You spray it in the toilet before he goes and it cuts the stink.

I make it with lemon and eucalyptus oil and nobody has to deal with others bathroom odors.

I couldn't do it. My gag reflex starts and I exit or puke, those are the choices for me.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
ITRR,

Oh my gosh, I giggled so hard when I first saw those poopouri commercials on tv.
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