Advice for elderly father who doesn't want to be without dog?
My 82 year old father is declining quickly. Since my mother passed of Alzheimers 4 years ago he's been down and depressed and failed to take care of himself. He's lost a ton of weight, hardly eats, never leaves the house and sleeps most of the day. He has severe arthritis pain and neuropathy (non diabetic) in his legs and feet, so mobility is a big problem. I've got to do something for him, he's just fading away and gets worse every week.
I'd like to move him in with me, my husband and 3 teen sons. We have a big enough house to do so and the finances to do so. But dad has a small yappy dog and with COVID my husband and I and our boys are all working and doing school at home. We just don't want the dog and all the noise she makes while we're home all day! We don't mind Dad (well mostly don't mind) but the dog is a deal breaker. But it breaks Dad's heart to think of being without his dog. He's adamant about not wanting to be without her and would rather live on his own with the dog than live with us without the dog. He can barely stand up on his own he's gotten so weak. He's about in tears on the floor because of weakness and frailty, but will not budge.
Oh my goodness, what do I do with him? Advice anyone? (btw, I haven't been on this site in years, but when I was caring for my mother with Alzheimers this site was my LIFELINE!. I couldn't have made it through that time without the support from all of you I had during that time).
My mom had Alzheimer's, and I even wrote a book about our experiences called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." My dog and mom were diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time; hence, the title.
Our dog passed away a few months ago, and my husband said he wanted me to get my travel bug out of the way before we get another one, but with Covid-19, it might be a year or so before we could travel anywhere. Well, the other night, I saw him perusing dog pictures on the web from local shelters. Years ago, I had to see an allergist, because I was breaking out in hives. I asked my husband, "What if I'm allergic to Mickey, who was the dog whom we had at that time, and he said, "We'll miss you." (I know my place in the family hierarchy.) Mickey and his successor added to everyone's lives, some barking notwithstanding.
If there is a behavior issue it’s a challenge though.
Your father is very attached to the dog. Imagine someone asking you to give up a kid. I know, to you, that can't possibly be the same thing, but to people who really love dogs, it is.
Something to think about, when your father passes or needs to move into nursing care, his beloved dog, who loved your father unconditionally will need someone to care for him/her. Would you want someone who loved your father as much as you do go to a stranger and not understand why the little pup is so forlorn or worse get put-down? Or would you rather get to know the little buddy now and have a pal to mourn with?
My teenage daughter has a deep connection with her Nana and they share many silly stories involving our pets. Pets are a great way to teach children responsibility, empathy, and love. It is easy to view an animal as a nuisance when you have no connection with it and it views you as an interloper. The dog does not know you are family and important to your Dad. Take some time and get to know the dog. Find out why your Dad loves it so much. Most animals respond well to pats, love, playtime and, especially, food.
Find a place that will take both your Dad and his dog...it could be your home or it could be a care home. Make sure you keep your Dad involved in all of the decisions because it is his life and he should have a choice on where he lives and with whom.
I find it hard to believe separating parents from the rest of the family causes them to flourish by putting them with other seniors also separated from their families.
Mom's gerontologist, her PCP, told me in 2004 that a hundred families were being given the message their dad or mom had 5 years left, and I was one of the hundred families hearing it. By 2009, your mom will be gone. That's just the way it is with memory conditions once they reach this stage. I heard it but didn't accept it. I didn't even bring it up to others due to knowing they would be saying I wasn't facing reality.
In 2009 I got a phone call to bring mom in. While nurses kept her busy, the doc and I had a private talk. Do you remember when I talked to you about your mom? You mean when you said she had 5 years left? You remember! Who could forget? Well, it's been five years and your mom's still alive. Yes, about 5 years. No, five years exactly! Exactly? Yes. Today? Yes. And all those hundred patients I told you about are all gone like I told you. All of them! Except your mom.
We went through all the records to see what the difference was. Mom's records? No, hers and all one hundred patients. When did you have time for that? Nights, weekends, holidays. Searching for what we did differently for her. We found no difference in what we did. None? Not one thing.
Then we began looking at your lives. Our lives? Yes. What you do, where you go, how you live your lives. You take your mother out every day to eat. Yes, I do. You go to Snoga's on Goliad. Yes. Shangila on Goliad. Yes. Bill Miller's BBQ. Yes. You take her to Neptunes, also. Yes. You know that? Yes. Every day you do this. And you take her to HEB at McCreless, and HEB across from Brooks City Base. Yes. You take her to Walmart at City Base. Yes, and also the one at Rigsby and 410. I let her drive the carts. She doesn't wreck or hit things or back into things and waits for people like driving a car. Yes, I know. You know she drives the electric carts? (Mom's 87.) Yes, I know that. You take her to church every Sunday. Yes. To all her doctor appointments. Yes. You take her to movies. Yes, we go out regularly to the movies at the Bijou with the General's wife almost every week. You answer her questions when she asks you. Yes. ALL her questions every time she asks you no matter how many times she asks you. Yes, I do. You know all that about us? Yes, I do. Did you hire a PI? He laughs and says, Well, I told you before, I have thousands of patients. Oh, and we're easy to spot. A middle aged man in a wheelchair and his elderly mom. They all have seen us out we go out so much. Yes. Oh, come to think of it, I've never seen anybody else out with their elderly parents with Alzheimer's, and certainly nobody else in a wheelchair. Yes, we were easy to spot.
He continued. You give your mom the meds I prescribe. Yes. On time. Yes. All day long as I said. Yes. You never miss a dose. Correct. Oh, you can tell from the pharmacy records. Yes. That's why we called you in today. Why I called you in. I wanted you to know the difference you have made in your mom's life. Because of you she is alive today and I can tell no difference in her today than 5 years ago when she was 82. I felt you needed to know this, that nobody else of the 100 patients had a son or daughter or relative like you, doing all these things with them, for them. You are the only one.
Mom lived another ten years after that. She died after APS attacked me over a false police report made against me by Buena Vida Nursing Home falsely claiming they had a video of me with my pants down doing something sexual. I hate APS forever. Buena Vida too. They gave mom 40MG oral solution morphine April 12, 2019 10:30PM then 12:45AM the 13th. Then filed against me on April 16, 2019.
You say you can put up with him, mostly. "We don't mind Dad (well mostly don't mind). Who could ever say such a thing about their children or about their parents. In my life I never even thought such a thing in their hours of need that I minded or didn't mind. What perspective is this? Was he a monster to grow up with? Was he not a good father? Did he do something egregious and not give all the care he could? This is the last chance you have to put yourself out due to love for your "Dad". After he's gone, you can do nothing for him. I would kill for the chance to have my parents back ... in ANY condition.
Yes, you want to break his heart. You said so. Even though you believe "it breaks Dad's heart to think of being without his dog" you said "the dog is a deal breaker". I don't want a daughter like you. I'm sorry but if my children talked like this about me, I would cut them all off and never speak to them again.
"What do I do with him" is your perspective. Poor you. It ought to be, "How can we resolve this?" I'll tell you how. You ought to love that little yappy dog with all your heart because of all the joy it brought to your mom and dad all the times YOU weren't there for them. Develop a heart. Quit thinking of yourself. Wow, if all the problems I had was a yappy dog, would you like to trade lives? Wow.
Also, you can't always train barking out of dogs. My daughter does training, and all those doggie runs, even judges them, but you get to her house... let's just call it what it is... a bark box. On arrival, bark session. Enter, continue bark session. Say anything or make any noise, continue bark session. If they eventually shut up, any noise, even just talking, will set them off again. These are dogs of a TRAINER! I find (generalization coming, so don't jump on this!) smaller dogs tend to bark a lot more than larger dogs. They all bark, some more than others, but the little ones are sometimes just over the top!
Most dogs we ever had, growing up and later raising our own families, barked at certain times but not incessantly. I had 2 who sat quietly looking in the direction of where a neighbor's dogs (can't see them from the house) were barking. My 2 were silent. But, they would bark if they saw someone on the property. The last one I took in NEVER barked once. She was only about 5 months old and only with me for about 5 months. She was terrified of everything and everyone, I couldn't take her for walks, car rides, while in the small backyard (fenced area, bordered by woods) the sploot of snow from the roof or a car going by (house is well off the road) would send her to the door. Tried waiting it out. Nope. Taking her anywhere else, such as for training, she would literally shut down - curl up in a corner and not even interface with me.
I don't have enough time or space to write all the fears this dog had, but the fostering group took her back and it took THEM 6 months to get her to an adoptable state - these are dog people, who work with all kinds and know a thing or 2.
You don't know a whole lot about OP, the family, the dog, any of it, other than what was written. It is FINE to suggest maybe try some training, but that comment was really uncalled for. We are here to help and support one another, NOT to judge and berate others.
I can only echo what others have said here ... if you/your family really can't stand to live with the dog (and I don't judge this!), do everything you can to make it possible for your Dad to stay where he is. The connection animal-lovers feel to their cats and dogs is not a minor thing. It's not just companionship, but a genuine deep love and concern for them as creatures with needs and personalities and feelings of their own. A relationship with a beloved pet is very real, and the loss of the relationship can be devastating -- one can feel overwhelming grief, guilt, and loneliness, depending on the details. Also, if he owned the dog while your mother was alive, the dog is a living connection to his daily life with her. (Some of the hardest pet losses we've had here have been the eventual deaths of pets we inherited ... from my late mom, my late best friend, and so on.)
I went through this with my Dad, who in his later dementia years took up feeding every stray cat in his neighborhood, and ended up with kittens born in his garage that he took care of. (This is why I now have four cats that I inherited from him, plus another we inherited from a friend who passed away four years ago.) I moved heaven and earth to keep him in his home with his cats, as I was unable to find an affordable living facility that would allow him to keep them, and we already had three cats with territorial behavior problems here at the time, and couldn't bring them here. I hired visiting caretakers to go in every day, and I would lie awake at night worrying that the time would come when we would have to move him somewhere for round-the-clock monitored care ... because I felt sure in my bones that losing those cats would kill him.
Ultimately, my father passed away in his own home (in the presence of a visiting caretaker and a "housemate" we had recently found and brought in to live in his home around the clock). While I still mourn his death (now two years ago), I am so grateful that we ultimately did not have to separate him from his "friends."
1.) dad can remain where he is and he can have help come in.
2.) place dad in Assisted Living that will accept a dog.
3.) move dad in and eventually the dog will settle down and get used to a new environment and be less inclined to bark.
I can almost bet that if you "force" dad to give up the dog he will decline faster than he is now.
If the dog is older there is a good chance that it will not get adopted and will either live out the rest of it's life in a kennel or will be put down.
If he's willing to move, as long as the dog can come with him, perhaps IL or AL while the dog is still living? Many places will take animals.
While I love all animals, the incessant barking would drive me insane! I have many cats, and refer to having the "silent" alarm when someone shows up outside - they will often run to the window, alerting me if I didn't hear it. My daughter has a bunch (too many really) of mini-dachshunds and BOY can they bark! Just pulling up outside her house, oh my... bark bark bark from ALL of them! Going inside, you can't even hear yourself THINK!
Now, it could be that the dog barks a lot when you visit him, as you don't live together. If they moved in, there might be a transition period of barking, but it could be possible for the dog to get used to you and stop the barking (except when it thinks someone is outside or someone else visits?) A trial period of a few months might determine if that could work.
The other question is what does dad want? If he wants to remain in his home, does he have funds to hire assistance? If so, I would let him stay, provided he allows these people in and they can "boost" his current status (gain weight, eat sufficient amounts and properly care for himself.) Make a deal with him - he keeps the dog and stays home IF and ONLY if he allows the aides and works on getting healthier. You can also tell him he needs to care better for himself, so that HE will be there for the dog!
I'm 70 and my 99 yr old mom with her "yappy" poodle moved in with me a year ago. Mom died in September. She loved that dog, he was her "friend." Totally gave her something to care for and have a purpose. Me on the other hand hated that dog. It would snap and lunge at my dog and cat. He was a barker. I would tell him to shut up and he would. Would also snap at me sometimes. Would get between me and my mom when I handed her pills, etc. Caused me lots of stress, lots. But she loved him. After she died he was rehomed.
Some people do not like animals in their home. I do. If wandering in your house is a problem, a child gate on your dad's door will fix that.
You are blessed to have 4 others in your home to help you. They can be a tremendous help.
In closing, just a thought....your children are watching you. Is Dad an inconvience you are just putting up with? Just be honest with yourself. Caregiving is hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Am I glad I did it....yes
Prayers
Moving in with you may not be the only answer. Can he go into assisted living with the dog. Maybe having socialization with others who are in the same stage of life as him would be comforting. He would have others to talk to who have lost a spouse and are in the Fall of their lives. Maybe a senior center that has a group that meets for coffee and walks their dogs.
I'm not sure I could handle moving in with someone who has three teenage sons. He is not used to that kind of activity at this stage. I know with covid going on, many options are not available, but you may have to think outside the box on this one. Maybe find a place where you could hire another senior to come in and visit with him for several hours each day. That might give him the incentive to pick himself up a bit and have something to look forward to. I have heard of a place called seniors helping seniors and I think they have folks you can hire to come in and visit with him and help do a few household chores as well.
It might make you feel better to have your Dad in your home do you can keep an eye on him but you would not be doing him any favors!
That furry friend of your Dad's, is probably the only thing giving him the Will to Live.
Put yourself in his shoes and think about what you're asking of him, to move out of his home and leave his loved one behind...unthinkable and just wrong.
If you won't take the dog along, don't take your Dad.
I know you already know this deep inside and pray you do the right thing.
You can always have a Caregiver drop by a couple hrs a day.
Also, stock his refrigerator and pantry with EASY stuff to eat.
Frozen things that you only have to heat in the microwave like Breakfast Biscuits with cheese, egg and meat. Waffles, Individual Instant Oatmeal packets, individual Yogurts, individual Applesauce.
Buy frozen meals to heat in microwave so he doesn't have to cook on stoves.
Soups, Chili, ect
Buy plenty of Soft Breakfast Bars and Little Debbie Snacks like Mini Brownies ect check for the ones with the most protein..
Cheese Crackers, Peanut Butter Crackers.
Keep plenty of Milk to drink and only buy the half gal if milk so it isn't so heavy.
Plenty of juice to drink individual or Quart size to make it easier to handle.
Just Think Easy as if it is a child fixing his food.
If it's not easy to fix, he won't eat.
Again....Please Don't separate your Dad from his friend and companion. You would be signing his death warrant and you would never forgive yourself.
Your Dad has already made known to you his wishes.
Let him live the rest of his life in peace, his peace not yours.
It sounds like your problem with the dog is that she barks a lot. Maybe once she’s in your home with more people and activity, who can walk her and play with her, she will have more things to focus her energy on and have less reason to bark. At least she’ll be more tired, and that will keep her quieter too!
Maybe it’s because I am an animal lover—with a dog I would refuse to give up—but my mind just cannot accept that you hate animals so much that you’d abandon this one and make your father miserable just to not have her around.