Advice for a sandwich generation regarding child discipline?

I used to have a similar situation with my mother. It was her way, period. Lot's of disagreements when my daughter was young. Then I started using the same phrase every time she gave her opinion. "Thank you, Mom, for the advice. I will give it consideration." She inevitably offered more advice and I repeated the phrase every time with a smile and a firm voice. Within a month she stopped giving advice freely because she knew she would hear: "Thank you, Mom, for the advice. I will give it consideration,"

Get counseling help from the agency that placed her with you. Developmentaly disabled children respond to a "routine" around her abilities. She will have the security of a routine. Then you can enjoy her being part of the family and all her abilities to love you and your love for her. God gave her that ability and I have seen it thru my experience as a social worker. The family dynamics...you need a counselor. Aging parent and a child has problems you will need help with. Being in a "sandwich".....you need help from a counselor or your stress will get worse.

I was raised in a house where my grandmother lived with us, my mother's mother, and to say things were chaotic is a gross understatement. Multi-generational living is against my rules and something I would never tolerate, under any circumstances, based on the hideous childhood I had as a result of bearing witness to what went on in that house. My mother was a nervous wreck, my grandmother was a nervous wreck, and, as a result, I was raised by 2 nervous wrecks and did my very best not to turn out to be a nervous wreck myself.

I'm still working on that at 63 years old.

Kids deserve a decent childhood because life is hard enough as it is, never mind having special needs thrown into the mix.

Having your parents living with you is not the ONLY option available for them. Look into others; they do exist.

Good luck

hi
I am a sandwich generation and my kids were raised in mother /daughter home .
i am not clear on the details of who was there first . perhaps you can help educate them by getting them involved with an agency that assist people with disabilities as well as reminding them you are the parent which makes the rules . They are the grandparents .
good luck

Sandwich filling here: My 84 yo mom lives with us as well as our 13 yo son. We also temporarily have my 27 yo son and his girl here (covid relocation).

My mom is the opposite. I can't raise my voice or ask my son to do something without her coming unglued. She was strict as hell when I was a kid, now she acts like I'm a taskmaster for asking my son to dump the trash. It's obnoxious and at times makes me go from fine to enraged very quickly. The main thing is I am teaching my son how to exist: that's my job. My two older sons are great and are wonderful citizens who are productive, self-sufficient, etc. Because I taught them how to do things. Now she second guesses my parenting and my 13 yo hears her talk about how he shouldn't have to help.

Makes me nuts. I'm ignoring it for now. But it's truly hard.

Imho, reiterate to your father to be less "military," else this multi generational famly may not work out. Prayers sent.

My home consists of me, my hubs, my adult son and his 10 yr old son. My 91 yr old mom lives next door but is in my house often and eats dinner with us almost every night. Even before she was old she was a critical person with little filter. When she criticizes anything regarding my son and grandson, I remind her that:
- if I want her input, I'll ask
- just because she sees something doesn't give her license to say something
- she had her chance to raise me without interference and now it's my turn

This last truth usually stops her cold.

Tired,

The bottom line is that your mom and dad should respect your family.

Something must be said to offending parents immediately. Don’t allow it to linger and fester. That never works.

I speak from experience. I made myself sick from suppressing my feelings and not setting boundaries.

I felt so conflicted in my emotions. I spent many hours in therapy. Therapy definitely helped me find my backbone and restore balance in my life.

Mom got over a ‘messy’ room because I started closing the door to my daughters rooms.

We had an incident in our home where my mom crossed the line big time.

My oldest daughter was mostly able to brush off my mom’s criticism but my youngest one took everything to heart and it bothered her.

I will spare you the details but my youngest struggled with anorexia due to my mom’s criticism.

I had to speak to mom about it and tell her to never tell my children what to eat or not eat.

Neither of my girls were overweight. They were extremely active and thin. Yet my mom didn’t want them to enjoy an occasional treat.

My mom can be ridiculous! She’s an extreme perfectionist that places great emphasis on appearances. Some older people go overboard with their ideas.

Best wishes to you and your family.

without checking your status, how old are your parents and why are they living with you?  do they have dementia? are they disabled?  Its harder for the older generation (as we will all become that at some point) to handle change and younger children.  it just gets on their nerves.  So either keep them apart at all times or someone needs to move into an assisted living area where they have people their own age to engage with and do things.  that way there are no young children around to bug them.  its sounds harsh but you are going to wear yourself out trying to keep them apart.  good luck.

What are the ages of your parents? Is there any physical reason they need to live with you.

I have a 30yr old Challenged nephew. I didn't raise him but he has lived up here for the last 12 yrs. My brother raised him and there were a lot of problems with him and my brother had 2 if his own who suffered because of my nephew. Their mothers attention had to go to him.

This is just my opinion, ur not going to change Dad. And your niece does not need to be exposed to his constant complaining about her. So for her sake, maybe its time for Mom and Dad to find a place of their own. This child needs to know she is loved. She needs patience. She does not need negativity.

I also have an RN in the family. If ur one, then u have a stressful job. Taking care of a special needs child takes patience and time. To me, you would have to be a superwoman to care for this child and the responsibility of 2 parents and do it without stressing out. For me, the child would be #1.

Why are your parents living with you? Do they have special needs or dementia that requires your assistance? If that is not the case, then you need to sit down with your parents to discuss ground rules for living together. They are in the position of grandparents and their role to enjoy their grandchild and support your parenting efforts. You dad may not be able to keep from commenting if he has dementia and "lost his social filter". If so, then you might be better served allowing your parents to get involved in various activities that take their focus off your niece.

I feel bad for your niece, it sounds like there’s some really unhealthy ideas about children that stems from your “military dad”— it’s not your nieces “job” to be the kind of perfect child your dad has some very unhealthy expectations or beliefs about how “children should be” - every person is ab individual, why don’t you speak of the strengths and good traits your niece has rather than labeling her in such a demeaning way? Is there a family member that could be her guardian who is healthier bc these ideas and environment sound detrimental to her best interests her self esteem- every child needs unconditional love acceptance and to feel safe and encouraged by the family she lives with. Is there perhaps another relative who would be able to provide that safe loving home she needs? I’m concerned about the effects on her of being treated in a demeaning manner

Ask your father not to complain to you. Could he help? I feel that it is OK for children to understand that different adults have different approaches. He is living there too. Is your father capable of reminding her in a gentle way when she is out of line (like when she is sloppy)? Yes, it's her house, but don't make your father completely irrelevant.

Your house your rules. Life is a cycle and your dad is no longer in charge and he needs to come to grips with that fact. He should relax and enjoy the time he has left, not try to control everything his way.

The adult is dad. He doesn’t like it he can go live elsewhere.

You do not give much info in your profile as to any problems your parents may have so I am going on the assumption that the person you are caring for is your niece and not your parents.
When you were growing up how many times did you hear any version of these:
My house my rules
My way or the highway
If you don't like it you can leave
If you think you know better move out
If this is your house...Your rules.
If your parents do not like the way you are raising your niece they can move out.
If they can not tolerate the noise and a bit of disorganization they can move out.
Or if they need to live with you is there a way that you can make a portion of the house more of an In-Law suite so they have limited contact?

Now a bit of unsolicited commentary.
You say your niece has the mentality of a small child. How young? Very young children can be expected to pick up after themselves. They can be taught how to clean up the table after a meal, if not make the bed at least smooth the sheets and blankets, just to mention a few things. There is a sense of accomplishment and a bit of pride in what they have done and the praise they get. (If these are things that your niece can not do I apologize for over stepping, you know her limitations.)

My sister with a disability does things very slowly. My dad complained about that.

I know you feel. They don't understand.

My first reaction is Gramps needs to button his mouth & but out. You are doing the parenting here! And you are putting the child's needs at the heart of her care. Thank goodness for you! 💗

You touched a nerve for me!

Sometimes I just had to roll with it. Eg a friend's Mum sneaking a bit of cappuccino froth onto my baby's milk...

But sometimes I had to stand firm. My little boy needed a solid routine with regular naps & snacks to suit his body clock - otherwise mega meltdowns. In-laws thought this was indulgent & waiting for mealtimes & nighttime for sleep was better.

Endless examples of how badly he behaved (when he was both tired & hungry). I explained. My DH explained. They finally gave in a tiny bit but would provide sugary treats. He'd go manic & even bit them.

So I enrolled him in childcare instead (with regular naps & snacks) until he was older. Later when Autism Spectrum diagnosed I provided books. I still have no idea if they ever really accepted it.

I feel for you. I feel for your child. It’s your house and your child.

Do your parents understand about your child’s special needs? Explain it to them again if more clarification is needed.

I taught my children to respect their grandparents and they did. They adored my children. They had a wonderful relationship.

Occasionally my kids did get stressed if my mom commented about them coloring outside the lines. My mom is a perfectionist!

When mom moved in I had to set boundaries regarding my children. My mom’s motto is, ‘Everything has a place and everything in its place.’

I like an orderly house as well but you’re right about kids not being orderly all of the time. I had to learn to be creative in motivating my kids to tidy up their rooms.

I learned to prioritize and pick my battles. It’s not easy raising children and caring for a parent in your home. Mom has Parkinson’s disease so nothing was ever left out that she could trip on. Their rooms were another story!

At times I would simply shut the door to my daughters rooms. I got tired of hearing mom’s comments.

Well, mom caught on. She would joke about how it was easier to close the doors to their rooms rather than look at the mess.

I told mom that I was happy about their good grades and having good friends.

They took dance lessons, gymnastics, sports, theatre, art and so on. They were busy!

They knew where everything was in the midst of the chaos. If I did try to tidy up their things and moved things around they couldn’t find anything. Hahaha

When they tidied up their rooms they were really good organizers! So I let them be.

Is she incapable of not being sloppy? Special needs kids can still learn how to do things - it just takes them longer to get into the routine. Can your dad teach her anything??? Life skills are only going to help her when she's an adult and has to make at least some of her own way in the world once everyone who protects her is gone or off living their own lives.

The key phrase that you wrote is "My parents live with me."
Seems to me like if it doesn't bother you under your roof, then it shouldn't bother your parents. It would be a different story if YOU lived in THEIR house.
Sorry, I'm not advocating misbehavior in a child, certainly they need to be corrected when their behavior is inappropriate. However, if this is behavior that
1) is appropriate for her age and medical condition;
2) does not put herself or anyone else in danger;
3) doesn't bother you...
then your dad needs to relax his expectations. I mean whatever happened to grandparents spoiling their grandkids behind the parents' back? The old "what happens at grandpa's stays at grandpa's" so to speak.
Not to sound harsh, but if it bothers your parents that much, they are free to seek other accommodations.
You don't have to be a sandwich. You can simply tell dad "Dad, what your complaining about isn't an issue to me, and I'm not going to turn it into one." Then change the conversation.

What a pain in the neck! I remember taking my two, aged 18 months and 3 years, to stay with grandparents in England. Grandparents had ornaments all in reach, and thought that we should teach the children not to touch! DH1 and I just picked them all up and put them out of reach, Grandpa not happy at all.

Perhaps you sit down with Dad and ask him what upsets him. Make a list, and decide which things are worth dealing with. Agree with Dad that you’ll try to enforce those, and the rest don’t get commented on. If he keeps making life unpleasant about it, obviously you can’t all live together, and from the sound of it the priority is looking after a niece who perhaps has no-one else.

It’s yet another ‘boundaries’ issue. You can’t take him complaining so frequently. It isn’t about what he did with you growing up, or whether his methods were right or wrong, it’s about whether you can all manage together NOW.

Just under thoughts, I would say yes, exactly to your "what tween doesn't do all these things?" You are right. And you have a special needs tween who is not living with her own parents. This makes it the more difficult to deal with. And then there's DAD!
I think what you need to do is tell Dad that you will likely disappoint him in the way you will raise your niece, but that you will do it as you see fit, to the best of your ability. I would tell him that his input further complicates a somewhat difficult situation for you.
There are going to be tough times here. There is nothing that causes angst like the house divided, and tweens and teens are masters at manipulation. A bit of chaos works to their advantage. I sure do wish you good luck.