My mother can be kind, cook for me, and be pleasant but I am always, always "walking on eggshells." She can be so mean, accusatory, jealous, demanding, sarcastic, belittling, spoiled/childlike, but when things are "going her way," at times happy and content. This has been through my entire life -- I am now 63. I am seeing a counselor and this has been helping, but I am hoping some of you can share your stories and ideas. She becomes mean and rejecting when I do something with other members of my family, even though she has been invited, but chooses not to go. She has ruined more holidays than I can count because something didn't go her way. When I go out of town, it is a major production, even if it is just for a two or three night mini-vacation with my husband. I rarely see my children who live in other states because she gets so depressed, upset, etc. over any separation from me. I am an only child and have felt the oppressive weight of her moods and never-know-what's- coming-next demands for my whole life. My father was a loving man, very sweet, but sort of gave in or turned her over to me. My father died 15 years ago and my mother promptly moved near me into a duplex about a mile away. Since that time, I have felt somewhat like a prisoner because I cannot relax and enjoy my life without her constant calling, complaining, etc. I have recently set limits, and I am so much better than before, but it is still so stressful. I am truly so nice to her-- do multiple things for her on an almost daily basis, take her shopping, have lunch with her, clean her house, take her to the doctor, whatever. I realize many of these things are age-related and I accept this and am happy to help. But when she is so mean and rejecting--well, that still gets to me, even though I am slowly improving. Lastly, I want to share a dog saga--my mother has always had dogs. She relates better to animals than people, BUT, like me, the dog has to "behave perfectly" in order to get her kindness and love. SO... She has been bemoaning her loss of her dog who died six months ago and she has tried out four new dogs, and they have all been returned because they peed or pooped in the house, or seemed to be sick in some way. I have been the one to return these sweet dogs to the shelter and it makes me ill. I feel horrible for the animals. The last dog was so sweet but she ate grass and threw up, plus pooped in the house, so there I went, running over to her place to clean up the mess, and the next day driving over two hours to return the sweetest dog in the world. I considered keeping this little dog but my husband and I am just now trying to figure out retirement and hoping for little bits of freedom and do not want a pet now. Lastly, for some background information, my mother had some traumas in her life, but was raised by a loving father and step-mother. I feel for her, and she continually reminds me that her real mother left her when she was two. I listen kindly and as patiently as I can. I feel for her. I am not a saint, but I have been told I am a nice person who has a kind heart, but I can hardly bare this anymore! She is in my head all the time and I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So, like I said, I am getting better, but setting boundaries and sticking to them is the hardest thing I are ever done. My mother is "addicted" to me or something, and being an only child, I have no backup. She has no friends anymore --the few she had have died-- and she has alienated many people throughout her life. I cannot just leave her to her own devices, and she does not want to move into an independent living facility yet. I am not acting to make this sound like a "poor-me" pity party, but that is kind of what this is. Please help by sharing stories, struggles, or advice that has worked for you.
You are SO lucky that you have your own place, and you just have to let her go on voice mail and rant. Screen all calls from her. If you need to go on a vacation, just tell her you will check on her every other night, but will not come home unless the hospital calls. My mother does things like this, and she ENJOYS the reaction. That's what your mother did about the dog - she KNEW that you are tenderhearted and that it would break your heart. It was a little drama just for her and she ENJOYED it. Get her a stuffed dog - they won't do any doggy things to upset her.
My mother accuses me of being 'cold hearted' but I have had to be that way to survive being yanked on a chain constantly. You could put her in adult daycare at least - then she could run THEM crazy for a change, instead of you.
A friend told me once to just say ' sorry you feel that way' to any negative or hateful rants from my mother. You could try that.
Sometimes being a tough chick saves your life.
Hey everyone who is still reading--For what it is worth, I feel as though I made a bit of a leap of progress yesterday. It is not easy. We were on the phone and my mother said she needed to use the bathroom. Sometimes she tells me she really has to get off immediately and says she will call back, but she kept on talking with me, so I didn't think it was an "emergency," but then she had an accident. She called me and blamed me for not getting off the phone more quickly . I told her I would be over to help her clean up. I also told her she just should have hung up the phone if she needed to get off right away--like she has done many times before. So I went over and, understandably, she was upset she had the accident (it IS hard to get older in so many ways), but she was truly BEASTLY, blaming me with such an angry and hateful voice, and her face was so contorted with rage and hatred -- it was just too much. So... As I was cleaning up, I told her that I would not be treated like a slave and that she was just plain MEAN. She argued, but I kept it up and she finally said, "I don't know why I am mean." I told her that if she was going to speak to me like she has been I would just leave. She played all sorts of her old tricks, like starting to tell me how my father and she thought I was a cold person. I told her that, honestly, no one else has ever, ever said that. I have been told by so many people that I am kind, loyal, compassionate and have the patience of a saint. (Not sure that is true, but nice to hear...). She then started to tell me that my father didn't really love me, but I stopped her cold. I told her not to go down that path because I KNEW how much my father loved me and not to say anymore bad things about him ever again because I couldn't listen anymore. I told her he might not have been the husband she wanted but he was a loving father. She stopped immediately. Then we proceeded to have a decent discussion. She told me not to always try to find out what is wrong with her when she is upset--just to let things go, and I appreciated that advice and think she is right. She then told me I interrupt her and not let her finish what she is saying (I hardly can get a word in edgewise sometimes, but I do also interrupt) so I told her I would be more conscious of that and would like her to do the same because she continually interrupts me. We agreed to work on that. We continued to have a productive, adult discussion and although I was worn out, I felt like I said some things that I needed to say. Things I have not ever been able to say to her. She revealed some things to me that helped me understand her better. BUT, as is often the case, we will see what happens next... She often mulls over what I have said, twists my words, and then accuses me of all kinds of horrible things that I did to hurt her. Things I did not do. This is what I mean about her many personalities and me not knowing who she will be from day to day or even hour to hour. But, no matter what, I said what I needed to say. I see my counselor on Thursday (haven't seen her over the holidays), and I am grateful for that. Thanks for reading. Being an only child makes for a lonely path sometimes. Thank goodness for friends and this virtual discussion group.
You raise some great questions--and I have no answers. 2 of mother's 6 kids have been very caring and involved with her, some have taken another path. I will never understand why. One of the BIG reasons she and dad had brother build on to his home was that I live only a mile away and they knew I would help them. And I have. They lived (previously, in the family home) less than a mile from my oldest sister and she saw them 2-3 times a year.
It has taken me 59 years to "get it". Mother will never change, so I am going to. Back to my therapist for a tune up--applying for a PT job and letting go of mother. I can't help her, she was making me literally sick, so I am stepping back. And you know what? She won't notice or care.
I'm not good at self-care, really. Years of being told you're sub-par will do that to you. Hoping that 2016 finds me happier and healthier (mentally!) We still have some hoops to jump through, but I am not letting mother drag me down.
Why do we accept what amounts to lifelong prison sentences with them?
Why do we stay within arms reach rather than run far away from them?
Why do we feed their dysfunction rather than end the cycle of abuse?
Why do we waste our valuable energy feeling sorry for our abusers?
Why do we excuse our parents for having a hard life and taking that out on their children?
Why do we show infinitely more compassion toward our toxic parents than we show to ourselves?
Why do we allow our toxic parents to ruin whatever happiness we've created for ourselves by inviting them in?
Limits. Limits. And more limits with the goal of separating from your toxic parent is my advice to you, NJNY.
This is very difficult for me to write because I had a toxic parent but I believe that toxic parents belong in a hazardous waste dump, not in a lovely home playing BINGO, for example. (Sorry MidKid for using you as an example.)
I wish there were an Island for Misfit Toys for toxic people where they can figure everything out for themselves and leave the rest of us in peace. Toxic people don't want to change - they like themselves and think they're perfect - so I won't even bother with my biological father who is my toxic parent. If my father needs caregiving like my inlaws do, that's not happening with me. If my father wanted to visit for the holidays that's not happening with me. If my father wants anything from me a big, fat apology needs to happen before I even consider letting him into my house let alone my life. And I've felt guilty a few times but then my darling husband reminds me of why I should absolutely NOT feel guilty.
I think I understand, NJNY, because my father is the king of drama. It's time to bring the curtain down on your mom's act because no one wants to see the show anymore. It's almost a new year and there's no better time to make a big change.
A LOT of the posts on these forums are basically the same problems, over and over, it's sad how many of us have these dynamics going on.
Why are our mothers cold and withholding to us? I have so many theories, and in truth, it doesn't matter. I didn't get from my mother what I needed at the crucial stages of my life, I am not going to get them now (she's almost 86). I watched her at the Christmas party I hosted last Saturday. It's gotten to the point where I am nearly threatening family to get them to show up. It's all for Mother. No on else does gifts, but we all better bring something for her! We had planned to play Bingo, which she LIVES for, but it was a hectic, noisy night and the kids were not behaving, so I announced that we'd probably forgo Bingo and just socialize and I saw Mother out of the corner of my eye and she was POUTING like a 2 yo. So I quickly said "You know what? You want to chat, go out in the hall, we are going to play Bingo". A few people left, but we did play for about 20 minutes, gave out all the gifts and I think mother had a good time. All I said to her was "hi". I am glad we did play as we sibs voted down any more Christmas parties. Just summer get togethers from now on.
And I get the "love" thing. My mom had a bird somebody gave her, it was filthy and disgusting and she let it fly all over her apartment--guess who was cleaning up bird poop and feathers every week?? When that bird died, my mother mourned more than she mourned my dad's death. She kept the bird in a freezer until my brother would make it a cedar casket. Well over a year.
We have to laugh, sometimes. Because crying is pointless!
Oh wait til you hear this. You will not believe this one--it actually made me laugh after I left her. We were talking about the possibility of people living several lives and she said if she lives again she hopes she has a mother who really, really loves her, just as much as she loves... Not me...no, no, no... What she said was as much as she loved her dog (who died recently). Let's face it --I an chopped liver.
A light went on in my head (50 years too late, but nevertheless) it's ALL about HER. I want to ascribe better motives and behavior to her, but I can't. I have been dancing to her tune and buying into the "poor pitiful me" routine for so long--and now it's over.
My therapist told me: DON'T answer the phone if you don't want to. DON'T go visit if you don't want to. WALK AWAY without "backwards words" if you need to. Controlling you is her primary focus--and trust me, she's enjoying it.
I'd hire help for her cleaning, hire an agency to send someone as an assistant (I worked at exactly this type of job for several years)---it's not cheap but the family of my clients happily paid what Medicare didn't--just so they could have their lives back.
If you can get her in ALF, that would probably be wonderful--you could stop being the only "target". Your mother has a lot of "bullets" and just one target--you.
OhJude--I am sorry you do not get more of a break. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you, and yet you took the time to share your story and try to help. I wish you could get more support from the government or the members of your family! You are wonderful--and I am hoping beyond hope that you get some relief. 97yroldmom--you are right on the money. You and I have been so conditioned we are probably on auto-pilot. I am trying so hard to recognize when I respond without even thinking. It is like trying to remap my behavior and learn anew how to respond to my own mother. You all are so helpful. I hope you will write and share more of your stories and suggestions. I think we help and support one another in ways many of our our friends and family cannot.
She treated my poor father terribly. A few years before he died he dropped by my house, said "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" and burst into tears. He's been gone 16 years now ... his heart gave out. I've come to the conclusion that she was mentally ill her whole life. My only regret is that we were so down trodden that neither of us had the wherewithall to banish her from our lives long ago.