This was suppose to have happened two weeks ago, but it did not happen because her son refused to drive her from his house in pa. To my house in ny. I can’t refer to him as my brother because our relationship has died. He had my mom living in his house while she was rehabilitating from a broken arm, broken shoulder and broken leg, after tripping over a dehumidifier left outside her bedroom in his hall. He and his wife tried covering that story up by saying the dog was in the way but my mom told a different story. She wouldn’t put a claim in with his homeowners insurance either to help cover her medical bills. Huge bills!
After her son said he has had enough of her, it was decided me and my husband would take my mom in, but he refused to drive her up. This past
Monday she was admitted to the hospital for fluid around her heart and is taking a pill to help rid her of the fluid. Was to be discharged today but her son is not showing up to get her! Hospital keeping her an extra day.
He won’t go tomorrow either. Told hospital he is working.
My definition is, he is abandoning her.
Me and my husband will get her tomorrow because we got a call from the hospital to come get her.
Why can’t something be done about her son refusing to get her? He’s working? Really? That’s a valid excuse? His wife wants nothing to do with my mom, she hates my mom.
Anyone have a situation like this?
And ps, my mom is the one who is 100% blind from a drug reaction treating her for wet macular. That’ll be another issue, suing the drug company.
It’s all too much for me. I feel alone. I feel so uneducated about all this stuff and I really dont think I can be a caregiver. You all offered great advice a few weeks ago but I still feel overwhelmed. Very lost. Very sad!

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Your brother believes that your mother needs a facility. At least consider the possibility that he might be right.

Your mother is blind, has heart disease and at least until recently was recovering from broken bones. You are new to caregiving, you say yourself you feel uneducated about "all this stuff," and you mention that you and your husband are bringing your mother into your "small home."

Time being short - because by the time you read this it will be today that you plan to collect her - you need to do two things.

Find out from the hospital what her daily care routine has been.
Figure out on the journey home how you are going to manage it.

Have you been able to make any preparations at all for her arrival?
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I hate to be a downer, but who has POA / medical POA / enduring POA here?

If estranged Brother... Stop right here. No not pass go. Do not collect your Mother until YOU have this authority.

If there is a worse situation than the trials of a new caregiver, it is becoming a new caregiver with no way out.

You have kindly offered your time, care & home as the new plan. But you will need the legal authority if a plan B is required.
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You are angry with your brother but in reality, you have no idea what he's been through taking care of your mother. Perhaps he's right at the end of his rope and on the verge of a breakdown himself. You just don't know.

As far as being obligated to pick her up from the hospital......he's not. Sons and daughters have been known to drop a parent off at an Assisted Living facility with a suitcase, never to be beard from again. When my mother was in rehab, we heard a woman screaming in pain continuously. The nurse said they've been unable to get hold of the woman's children to simply authorize hospice care, so their mother would die in pain as a result. Sad but true.

You are admittedly going into a tough caregiving situation blindly, with no experience, and that can be a very big mistake. Your brother has washed his hands of this situation for a reason which you are about to become aware of yourself. You're going to need a backup plan if things don't work out having your mother living with you. If you have no experience dealing with a blind elder, things can get very tricky very fast. Her tripping over things won't be an odd occurrence if she is in unfamiliar surroundings. Call an occupational therapist who has experience with blind elders and get some guidance and advice. Have her come into your home and tell you how to set it up properly for your mothers arrival, and what gadgets and supplies you need to purchase.

Look into Skilled Nursing facilities in your area that can take her if need be and you can't deal with the whole situation.

I myself could not do it, and I know that. I recognize my limitations when it comes to proving full time care for a 100% dependant elder. Wishing you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Dying in pain because the NH wouldn't seek emergency guardianship is just heartbreaking.
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I don't think he would be considered "abandoning" her because if she is in the hospital she is in a safe place. Probably his wife wants nothing more to do with her - a clean break. And he goes along with her wishes. But it is a good thing she will be with you - a caregiver, the wife it would seem in this situation, should not be taking care of an elder she hates.. Now the question is - how do your family members feel about having mom come live with them? Are they realistically willing to give this a try? Do you have some backup plan if your family members are not willing to live with mom in the household? This is a BIG DEAL - really. It changes family dynamics in major ways. It is important to recognize that you will be navigating a difficult maze here. May work, may not. An alternate plan(s) are wise.

But please recognize that your feelings toward mom are your feelings. Others may feel quite differently.
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